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AIBU?

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Original poster

Second Wife, Same Surname.

222 replies

LittleBooInABox · 22/07/2017 20:46

I know I'm probably being unreasonable here, however, I'd like some other opinions.

My DP and I have been seeing each other two years. Have been talking of getting married lately, there is one issue, and I'm happy to be told it's just me. His ex wife still uses his name. (Her name now I suppose)
They have two children together if tat helps, don't want to drop feed later.

He's big on tradition and wants me to take his name. I've said I'd rather keep my maiden name because I don't want to be with the same name she has (childish maybe) but to me it isn't a comfortable thing. It's not that I want her to use her maiden name, it's my issue and I'm happy to accept that it's a silly one, but I can't seem to get pasted it.

I've said I'd double barrel mine to his, then use my maiden name in non legal ways, places etc. But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Any ideas for a compromise?
Should I just build a bridge and get over this silliness?

OP posts:
BoysofMelody · 22/07/2017 23:40

But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Even allowing for the fact that weddings can send people into a frenzy, he sounds a bit of a bellsniff and a prize hypocrite citing tradition when he is already divorced, doesn't live with the mother of his child and is living with another woman. (Obviously there's nothing wrong with any of this, but he can't really claim to be a 'traditionalist' can he?)

You can call yourself whatever you like, for whatever reason you like. The idea that the 'default' position is that you will become Mrs Hisname is an utter nonsense, there's no such thing as a 'legal name' under English law and you could all yourself Lady Loverocket if you took the fancy. You may have to produce a paper trail to open bank accounts in that name or whatever.

If anything if you don't do anything - on marriage we both retained our surnames - there was no need to notify DVLA, change passports, bank accounts etc, so if anything the 'default' is to retain the surname you used prior to marriage.

I'm also slightly puzzled as to where people live and work where they are routinely addressed by an honorific - do they all work in an 'Are you being served?' style department or are school teachers? I completed my PhD two years ago and the only people who've addressed me as Dr Melody are cold calling ambulance chasing solicitors, neither a student or colleague has addressed me by anything but my first name.

BraveBear · 22/07/2017 23:40

I never quite understood why my mother wanted to keep my father's surname

Because it was her name? These names don't belong to the husbands. How can you have a strong sense of identity if you think your surname is just on loan to you for the duration of your relationship? Chopping and changing names depending on current marital status makes a mockery of the whole thing anyway.

I used to have a friend who considered double barreling but her fiance insisted she took his name. She thought it was romantic. Then after he cheated and they split up he insisted she go back to her original name, so she did. Three bags full sir...

MaMisled · 22/07/2017 23:45

I married my second DH 15 years ago and kept my first husbands.....and my children's. ....name. I just felt there was only room for one Mrs. *** in this small town! I don't want to share a name with her. At the time, DH didn't genuinely seemed unconcerned but, just recently he said it had hurt him. That made me feel very sad and I wish he'd spoken up at the time. I won't be changing it now though.

ragdoll700 · 22/07/2017 23:57

DoesHeWantToOrNot :) twice ha ha had I waited for the divorce I'm afraid I'd have been too old to have any!

Joinourclub · 22/07/2017 23:58

I can understand your feelings and I think you need to explore them further. You will always be the second wife, no matter what your name. She will always be a presence. Your first child won't be his first child. Are you ok with that?

DoesHeWantToOrNot · 23/07/2017 00:13

Ragdoll I wasn't divorced when I got pregnant. Well the ex had submitted it and paid the court. By the time a month and a bit later I got the final bit in I was pregnant.

That's the bit we are waiting on for dp. It's been registered etc but not been paid and stamped by the judge.

We are in Scotland and both me and dp have went down the diy divorce route.

ragdoll700 · 23/07/2017 00:18

DoesHeWantToOrNot I wish DIY was an option but the ex is ignoring everything sent her way for the past few years, my eldest is almost 6 now, we waited until we were ready to start a family she did not come into the decision.

kel1234 · 23/07/2017 00:30

I think it's up to you.
Personally I would never not have taken my husbands surname, even if he had been married before and his ex still used his name.
But that's just me.

DoesHeWantToOrNot · 23/07/2017 00:31

Ragdoll I didn't think it would be an option for dp because they had a child together but apparently it is. His ex went through a solicitor though. However mine was done completely by the two of us as we had no kids or assets together.

Our daughter was unplanned. Well she was to a point in that we'd spoke about it early on in the relationship as I'd told him I couldn't have children but I still had a bit of hope it would happen. He said the same.

It was exactly 1 month after he moved in that I found out I was pregnant lol.

I wouldn't change it for the world now though.

ArchieStar · 23/07/2017 00:31

My rather helpful suggestion would be to combine your names. I don't mean double barrel I mean...

He's a smith. You're a jones. You become the Smones or the Jiths Grin

DoesHeWantToOrNot · 23/07/2017 00:41

Archie I've made some interesting combos with mine and dps surnames lol. Double barrelling for me is not an option.

SerfTerf · 23/07/2017 00:48

She is a has - been Mrs. . You will be the forever Mrs. .
Take his name - it's yours now!!

Did I seriously just read that on MN?

Have the Huns had another purge?

Confused
MyKingdomForBrie · 23/07/2017 00:58

You can't wipe out history. You're wife number two, whatever you call yourself. I've taken my husband's name because I didn't have the will to fight tradition, he refused to change to mine and I wanted us all to match - as a pp said, for the sense of belonging.

On one hand, it's just a name, on the other hand it's perpetuating bullshit stereotypes.

In your case though, don't demonise the ex wife and don't kid yourself that whether or not you both have the same 'tag' will change anything.

ExplodedCloud · 23/07/2017 01:05

Utterly beffled at the idea that I am somehow "MrsExploded DHname" despite never changing my name Grin
How does that work then?
There are no documents that refer to me as that. My marriage certificate says I married DH.
Debretts etiquette might style Emily Thornberry as Lady Nugee but she isn't necessarily legally anything but Emily Thornberry.

BoysofMelody · 23/07/2017 01:11

Utterly beffled at the idea that I am somehow "MrsExploded DHname" despite never changing my name

You're not!

You are no more so Mrs Exploded DHname,
anymore than he is Mr Dave Yourname by virtue of the fact you are married to one another.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 23/07/2017 01:13

@BraveBear in all honesty, you don't know how bad their relationship was. It's not something anyone remembers fondly. I changed my name without a second thought because there was no way I wanted to be associated with that trainwreck any further.

Italiangreyhound · 23/07/2017 01:14

YANBU to be bothered by this but you know, of course, that she will hang onto that name as it is her kids name. I know I would. I'd never have a different name to my kids, unless they were getting married!

And YANBU to want to keep your own name.

HE is being very unreasonable in having an issue with you keeping your own name. If this unreasonableness continues then I would see this as a bit of a red flag!

If you feel unhappy about the prospect of taking his name, or if he is making it difficult for you to keep your own name, then rather than wanting to get over this, I would want to see what this was telling you about your plans together.

SerfTerf · 23/07/2017 01:14

The Grande Dames said so @ExplodedCloud. Case closed. No point trying to fight the unarguable Wink

ExplodedCloud · 23/07/2017 01:15

Well quite boys but posters upthread are adamant this is true Confused

ExplodedCloud · 23/07/2017 01:17

Indeed serf the voice of unreason hath spake

BoysofMelody · 23/07/2017 01:19

Exploded

Well there's no arguing with stupid, is there?

ExplodedCloud · 23/07/2017 01:20

*also baffled at beffled Grin Wine

ExplodedCloud · 23/07/2017 01:21

You've just destroyed 25% of MN Grin

SerfTerf · 23/07/2017 01:22

I might adopt "Etiquette dictates..." as a post opener myself. (Followed by confident assertions of whatever I'd like to be the case serftopia, of course.) It has some Edwardian thwack to it Smile

ExplodedCloud · 23/07/2017 01:34

Etiquette dictates that your Greggs sausage roll should be held in your left hand only.

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