Second Wife, Same Surname.

[LittleBooInABox]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable here, however, I'd like some other opinions.

My DP and I have been seeing each other two years. Have been talking of getting married lately, there is one issue, and I'm happy to be told it's just me. His ex wife still uses his name. (Her name now I suppose)
They have two children together if tat helps, don't want to drop feed later.

He's big on tradition and wants me to take his name. I've said I'd rather keep my maiden name because I don't want to be with the same name she has (childish maybe) but to me it isn't a comfortable thing. It's not that I want her to use her maiden name, it's my issue and I'm happy to accept that it's a silly one, but I can't seem to get pasted it.

I've said I'd double barrel mine to his, then use my maiden name in non legal ways, places etc. But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Any ideas for a compromise?
Should I just build a bridge and get over this silliness?

I hate 'we/he are/is big on tradition' because usually there is a fuck-ton of actions that prove other wise.

Like sleeping together before marriage
Living together before marriage
Divorce
Dating someone else before the divorce etc

I dint disagree with any of the above but hate tradition being used to win an argument when the actions show they are anything but traditional.

You see it alot on threads from women who are desperate for the dp to propose, when someone suggest they propose instead. Its 'no, i am traditional and wouldnt like it' or 'he is traditional and that would make him uncomfortable', despite living together for years and having kids.

It's not about whether his reasons are better than your reasons. There is not need for you to change your name, and you don't want to, so don't.

Your DH needs to understand that the choice is yours.

On a practical note, though you shouldn't have to, you could look up what proportion of women change their names on marriage. I think it's much fewer than your DH imagines, and it's changing quickly.

My other half has and ex wife not as yet divorced but not together for 11 plus years no children she uses his name still, when they get divorced (in the process so hopefully later this year or early next year) I have no idea what she will do but she is lazy about paperwork etc so will prob keep it, when we get married I will take his name to have the same name as our children and not even think twice about it.
But that's just me you do whatever you feel comfortable with.

I don't think the OP was referring to her OHs stance on surnames when she wrote this post. Shes asking if shes being U because of her feelings towards his ex still using his surname. Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong. Fwiw, no OP, you're not being unreasonable in your feelings. My DHs ex still uses his surname, even though they were never married, and he's been dead for years. Even her kids use it, and they're not his. Drives me batshit crazy. Unreasonable, childish? Yes - definitely, but that's the way I feel. And totally understand why you're feeling the same OP

ragdoll does it not bother you that they've been separated for 11 years and they're still not divorced, even thought you two have kids together?

Ex DH has unusual forrin surname. After he ran off and married much younger woman, i kept the unusual forrin surname as it was my professional name, plus it pissed them both off

Do what makes you happy. I double-barrelled mine. There was no way I was giving up my maiden name, that's who I've been for 30 years. Your name is part of your identity, don't be forced into anything.

Squoosh no not really its a combination of lack of funds on our part and her not answering and legal papers that come her way he has had to force the issue ie bring it to court which we couldn't afford till now, we are also in Ireland and you have to be separated for 4 years before you can even do anything about a divorce. We are together 10 years and have two children.

My mother and stepmother have the same surname. It's never been an issue, though I never quite understood why my mother wanted to keep my father's surname. I don't know how he feels about it either. Or stepmother, for that matter.

It's their choices, ultimately.

That's something your DP is missing here. No one can dictate what they can do. That should be the key understanding in marriage.

As you say she is well within her right to keep her "family" name, it is her children's name too.

But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

I had no problem taking dh's name, I wanted to as I am traditional, but if he had told me too there would have been no wedding. Don't accept that kind of ultimatum type behaviour now, 2 years isn't long, it gets very boring after 10, easier to walk away now before you become the next ex Mrs xxxx

If you double barrel or keep your own name because you consider yourself a feminist, you really shouldn't refer to it as your 'maiden' name. (Not you, OP, other posters.)

You can't make the ex-wife change her name if she doesn't want to. So you either keep your maiden name, you change your name to DH's name, he changes his name to your name,or you come up with a completely new name for both of you and you both change your names - I know people who've done this.

You have compromised by suggesting a double barrelled name. He is being unreasonable, you are not his possession, big on tradition my arse.

He needs to look into compromise.

Can't get over why this matters.
Ffs. Keep your name.
If he loves you he won't care.

I'm a second wife and my husbands ex still uses his name. She had a daughter from her previous marriage who bears her fathers surname (isn't modern life complex?) so although she has no children with my husband, she still keeps the name. Your fiancés ex has more reason to keep his name as its the name of their children together.
I give not a shiny shit what my husbands ex wife calls herself - I don't own him or own his name. Taking it was simply my choice and no one else's business.

I'd keep my married name if DH and I ever got divorced because we've very nearly been married as long as I had my maiden name. My children have my DH's surname and the vast majority of my friends know me with my married name. I wouldn't be keeping it because of DH or to have any hold over him or a future parter of his, it's my name now too and an integrated part of my identity.

I'd choose whatever name you want to be known as and his response would be key (for me anyway) on whether I actually married him.

Thank you for all your replies everyone.

I need to do some thinking about this issue. It's DP who tells me I'm being overly sensitive on this issue and I wanted some perspective outside of these four walls.

Thank you

There is no law that says you have to take his name. He can't force you to tell the bank / tax office / wherever that you've changed your name. DP and I are not married, so I use my maiden name, although the children have his surname, and the school always calls me Mrs DP (and it sounds like they're talking to my MIL)
Mind you, when people call me Mrs Supersop, it sounds like they're talking to my mother!!
Your name, your choice.

My husband's first wife kept his surname when they got divorced; they have no children together. He and I got married and I kept my name, resulting in a situation where our DC have the same name as his ex-wife and a different name to me, their mother. I honestly don't think about it.

I do agree with pp that your DP can get to fuck with the 'my way or the highway' stance though.

If DP thinks you're being sensitive, get him to change his name. That's fair, right?

My DH ex kept his name after their divorce, she decided to change it when we got married. Voluntarily, we didn't ask her to.
She could have kept it but I knew that it was me he was married to.

🤣. He's 'big on tradition'

No he's not, he's big on control & has a sexist outlook. I don't like his attitude. 'It's all or nothing'. Nothing thanks, byeeeee.

You have only been together two years. Thank VERY hard if you really want to get married to this man. Little niggles turn into big issues when the shine wears off.

How often does he dismiss your opinions/feelings as 'over sensitive' or 'paranoid' etc?

As someone whose parents divorced as a kid, my mother changed her name back, then remarried, wanted me to change my name to her new surname but I refused. I always knew I would never change my name, and when I got married that's how it was. For me is about hanging on to my family as it was before the divorce but I'm keenly aware is my father's side of the family. I have thought recently of changing it to a double barreled name to include my mother's side of the family but u know my mother would think it was an odd thing to do (she's old fashioned) so if I do it would definitely be only for me.

@ragdoll how tacky to have a baby with a man who's not divorced!!

I'm in the same situation and was called tacky. His divorce just needs paid and that's it.