Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Second Wife, Same Surname.

222 replies

LittleBooInABox · 22/07/2017 20:46

I know I'm probably being unreasonable here, however, I'd like some other opinions.

My DP and I have been seeing each other two years. Have been talking of getting married lately, there is one issue, and I'm happy to be told it's just me. His ex wife still uses his name. (Her name now I suppose)
They have two children together if tat helps, don't want to drop feed later.

He's big on tradition and wants me to take his name. I've said I'd rather keep my maiden name because I don't want to be with the same name she has (childish maybe) but to me it isn't a comfortable thing. It's not that I want her to use her maiden name, it's my issue and I'm happy to accept that it's a silly one, but I can't seem to get pasted it.

I've said I'd double barrel mine to his, then use my maiden name in non legal ways, places etc. But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Any ideas for a compromise?
Should I just build a bridge and get over this silliness?

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 22/07/2017 21:19

squoosh if you had read the rest of my post, I clearly said it's up to the OP whether she changes her name or double barrells or keeps her own name.

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2017 21:19

Waves MrSlant Grin

squoosh · 22/07/2017 21:21

I did read your post I was just making the remark that although on the surface the reasons the OP gave for not wanting to change her name may seem silly I also think a lot of people's reasons for wanting to change their names are also a bit silly.

TittyGolightly · 22/07/2017 21:21

EG Emily Thornberry may choose to go by her maiden name, she is still Lady Christopher Nugee grin whether she likes it or not!

Utter Horseshit.

TittyGolightly · 22/07/2017 21:23

It seems "traditionalist" is synonymous with "total twat" to me.

Moussemoose · 22/07/2017 21:23

I have a different name to my dcs. No big deal.

TittyGolightly · 22/07/2017 21:24

Me too. I've travelled extensively with her, alone, without a moment's trouble.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/07/2017 21:24

I have to say that I am with a lot of pp in that my biggest issue would be your DP's attitude.

How dare he dictate to you whether you change your name or not?!

My husband doesnt like the fact that I didnt take his name, but he knows that it isnt his decision to make and that if he had demanded I did then I wouldnt have married him.

MorrisZapp · 22/07/2017 21:25

I've been a professional genealogist for twenty years, working mainly from birth, death and marriage certificates and Census returns. None of those documents use Mr, Miss or Mrs. Geneogists have no idea how people style themselves unless they are privy to their personal correspondence.

Tell this twat to fuck off.

laughingclouds · 22/07/2017 21:28

I doubled barrelled for a not dissimilar reason, so I don't think you're being silly. I have zero problem with her using the name still, after all it's the same as her kids.

To be fair though, I can't imagine having just taken his name anyway...

Double barrelling is the compromise - tbh I don't see another one. I know some people have a real issue with double barrelled surnames, but if it's going to be your name it's your choice!

Majora · 22/07/2017 21:29

It's your name, not his. It's kind of ridiculous that he's insisting you HAVE to take his last name or do nothing at all.

It's understandable not wanting to be the same imo, even if it's a little over the top to some people. She shouldn't have to change but you're not asking her to, so.

OllyBJolly · 22/07/2017 21:31

she is no longer his Mrs

Just fuck off with that attitude. A woman only matters when she "belongs" to a man.

If he doesn't think marriage is always for life, then how can he think this it is reasonable to ask a second person to give up their identity as a one-way marking of the event

This!

Colouringaddict · 22/07/2017 21:33

I am a second wife and in all honesty it doesn't bother me that the 1st wife is still using her married name, but she is Mrs Emma Smith and I am Mrs Frank Smith, if you want to be technical. It's just a name, unless you are in a job that means you are called Mrs ..... then does it really matter?

Notknownatthisaddress · 22/07/2017 21:33

I think not taking his name because the ex wife has it, is a bit of a weird reason to not take it actually.

It's not like he took HER name at marriage, and he is expecting you to take THAT name.

I don't see the issue tbh.

If you wanna keep your name just because you wanna, then do, but to not change to his just because his ex has it, is a bit of a non-reason.

JMHO.

BogQueens · 22/07/2017 21:33

What Titty said. I'm having difficulty imagine the sheer sense of entitlement and male pissing-on--territory guff that makes you think women who are lucky enough to get you immediately trade their birth names in for yours.

Purplemac · 22/07/2017 21:37

YANBU and I think you are being very respectful of his ex-wife too and her choice to keep the name. Your name your choice!

For what it's worth I didn't take my DH's surname (although he never married his ex) but i didnt want to be "Mrs DHs surname" because to me that was both his mum (who I adore) and his stepmum (who I can't stand!). So I do get what you mean!

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2017 21:37

BogQ it wasn't like that at all for us. We wanted to have the same name, we chatted through at length whether he would change to mine or I would change to his.

Eventually it came down to his career (and him being well known in it) being in his name, mine wasn't established. We mooted double-barrelling but it sounded ridiculous 😂

TheNightmanCometh · 22/07/2017 21:38

Etiquette doesn't dictate OP will be a Mrs. That is, I'm afraid, made up.

Call yourself whatever OP. Don't take any bollocks about him being a traditionalist, though. He's not, not if he's divorced and remarrying. Even less so if you've already had sex.

Majora · 22/07/2017 21:40

Call yourself whatever OP. Don't take any bollocks about him being a traditionalist, though. He's not, not if he's divorced and remarrying. Even less so if you've already had sex.

A lot of men only seem to be traditionalists when it's in their favour. Cannot imagine why Hmm

daisypond · 22/07/2017 21:40

I don't have the same name as my children. It's not a problem. I don't have the same name as my husband either and I'm not addressed as Mrs either - usually - though I admit very occasionally it does happen.

specialsubject · 22/07/2017 21:43

Marriage in the UK does not and never has changed anyones name. That's why if you want to change your name after marriage you have to do loads of life admin. No action, no name change.

Not etiquette, fact. Even for Emily thornberry.

Hassled · 22/07/2017 21:43

Just keep your own name. I have - it's never caused a problem. No-one's expecting him to change his name - why should you give up part of your identity?

JayneAusten · 22/07/2017 21:43

You do sound really petty I'm afraid. Lots and lots of people have the name Mrs X - not just his ex wife. If you want to have his name, have it. If you don't, don't. But for the love of God don't start a marriage with these petty feelings about his ex and the mother of his children. 2 years is really soon to be talking about marriage when there are kids involved anyway.

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2017 21:47

I don't really understand the "I have a different name from my child and it's not a problem"

I didn't want the same name as my child/ren because I thought the alternative would be problematic, just that it was important to the way I saw our family dynamic.

As with everything different things work for different people. Neither are right, just right for you!

asprinklingofsugar · 22/07/2017 21:51

I say if you want to keep your name, keep it! It doesn't matter how trivial/childish the reason behind it might seem, if that's what you want to do, then your partner should respect that.

I'm not in a relationship but I've pretty much decided that if I ever get married I want to keep my name. The reason does seem a bit silly- my initials are also the first two letters of my first name, which can be (and is) used as a nickname for me. I've always liked that and don't want to lose it so doubt I will change my mind. It is my name and should, and will be, my decision, just as this is yours, regardless of why you're making it. Also, I agree with the pps re your partner being a traditionalist.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.