Second Wife, Same Surname.

[LittleBooInABox]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable here, however, I'd like some other opinions.

My DP and I have been seeing each other two years. Have been talking of getting married lately, there is one issue, and I'm happy to be told it's just me. His ex wife still uses his name. (Her name now I suppose)
They have two children together if tat helps, don't want to drop feed later.

He's big on tradition and wants me to take his name. I've said I'd rather keep my maiden name because I don't want to be with the same name she has (childish maybe) but to me it isn't a comfortable thing. It's not that I want her to use her maiden name, it's my issue and I'm happy to accept that it's a silly one, but I can't seem to get pasted it.

I've said I'd double barrel mine to his, then use my maiden name in non legal ways, places etc. But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Any ideas for a compromise?
Should I just build a bridge and get over this silliness?

Egg custards should be removed from the foil, then delicately nibble off the excess dull pastry around the edge before shoving the eggy deliciousness rest in whole, remembering to breathe through your nose as a mouth breath will undoubtedly spray crumbs everywhere (waste not want not).

To be fair my DPs ex went back to her maiden name when they divorced and now she has gone back to her married name they have no kids either so she did that out of spite.

I can't wait to marry DP and take his name....I hate my maiden name tbf xx

Funny how the "big on tradition" sort are usually big on those traditions that benefit them and less on the ones that might be a bit of work. So yes to DW taking his name, her family paying the wedding etc and no to staying married, paying for everything...

Yes indeed @paxillin. Normally it manifests as these incredibly traditional men wanting to propose to their women in old fashioned style, but not allowing a growing family to rush them at all.

It's none of your business what his ex-wife calls herself. It's 100% her choice and nothing to do with either of you.

I understand why ex wife still uses the name. If my partner and I split, I'd keep the surname as it's my children's name. Likewise if I remarried, I'd keep the surname of my children.

Personal choice but I don't think ex wife is doing anything wrong

"But he's very much all or nothing mentality"
It's none of your business what she calls herself. But it is equally, none of your current partner's business what you call yourself. So, just tell him that when you marry, you will remain Ms Box.

Well it's going to be your marriage too so surely you should have a say in what you get to call yourself in that marriage.

I still call myself by my married name. I was married for over 20 years so it really was my name after all that time, and I have three children who were still quite young when I divorced, soI didn't want to have a different name from them. The main reason I kept it though was that I just couldn't be bothered to go through the faff of changing it on all the official stuff and then letting everyone know. Also, I prefer it to my original surname.

Ultimately it doesn't really mean anything, it's just a name.

He's traditional when it suits him. He wasn't traditional with til death us do part was he?

Red flag all over if he's dictating over this. Can you imagine if you told him he had to change his name?

Your name your choice. Stand firm or there may be two ex wives with that name in future.

If you want to keep your name you should keep it.
If you want his name, then take it.

Regardless of his opinion or her existence, what you want for you is what's important.

If he didn't respect my wishes then it would probably be make or break.
There will be loads when you get married where he won't want to compromise either. Ask yourself if you're prepared to live with that.

I kept XH name because I much preferred it to my previous last name Also it made things easier with the DC and travelling etc. I have always been Ms though rather than Mrs.

XH is about to remarry and I would PMSL if I got a request from either of them to change my name so his new wife doesn't feel put out.

I have no idea if she is going to become Mrs XH or keep her existing name and I couldn't give a shit.

I wouldn't be marrying someone who was "all or nothing" though....

Oh gawd.

I had one like this - it's your bloody name. Call yourself what you like.

Since when was some spurious tradition more important than your wife being happy?

I divorced mine. Still have his name. Hate it, but want to match our kids.

I still use ex H surname, told him from the start that I will be continuing to use it so any future partners will have to like it or lump it.

I was told a while ago that his partner was pestering him to tell me to change it before they marry - I've (jokingly) said she can buy it off me for £15,000 (a thousand for every year I was married to him) she seems to have went quiet now

Do you have the same first name? Because that's what I assumed from your title. That matters.

Otherwise, it will be fine.

Fwiw I call myself mrs and I'm not married.
It's got fuck all to do with anyone else.

@drama, you sound very bitter and want to have one over your exes partner. Using your name as a weapon.

I'd keep my own name and dump him if he won't compromise. If he's 'traditional' over this how many other things is he going to be awkward about?

@drama, you sound very bitter and want to have one over your exes partner. Using your name as a weapon.

How?

@drama, you sound very bitter and want to have one over your exes partner. Using your name as a weapon.

Nonsense. She sounds like someone who keeps HER name after 15 years. If someone wants her to change it (right PITA), the must make it worth her while. She has no incentive to do so.

*Wintercookie
*
Bitter? Its MY name, I can do what I want with it (also I did say it was a joke)

Yes I am quite taken with Drama's tongue in cheek suggestion and am now hoping XH will ask me to stop using my/his last name so I can charge him £1k a year. I could do with £13k.

I know a few woman who have kept X husband's surname....as it's the same as their children's.

She is a has - been Mrs. . You will be the forever Mrs. .
Take his name - it's yours now!!

ODFOD what unintelligent drivel.

She is not wrong to want to keep her current name.

You are not wrong to want to keep your current name.

You would also not be wrong if you wanted to change your name.

He is wrong to think he gets to decide what name you have.

You would be wrong if you think you (or he) get to decide what name she has.