Second Wife, Same Surname.

[LittleBooInABox]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable here, however, I'd like some other opinions.

My DP and I have been seeing each other two years. Have been talking of getting married lately, there is one issue, and I'm happy to be told it's just me. His ex wife still uses his name. (Her name now I suppose)
They have two children together if tat helps, don't want to drop feed later.

He's big on tradition and wants me to take his name. I've said I'd rather keep my maiden name because I don't want to be with the same name she has (childish maybe) but to me it isn't a comfortable thing. It's not that I want her to use her maiden name, it's my issue and I'm happy to accept that it's a silly one, but I can't seem to get pasted it.

I've said I'd double barrel mine to his, then use my maiden name in non legal ways, places etc. But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Any ideas for a compromise?
Should I just build a bridge and get over this silliness?

[japonicaleaf]

@PurpleCrazyHorse

I'd keep my married name if DH and I ever got divorced because we've very nearly been married as long as I had my maiden name. My children have my DH's surname and the vast majority of my friends know me with my married name. I wouldn't be keeping it because of DH or to have any hold over him or a future partner of his, it's my name now too and an integrated part of my identity.

This ^ Good point. If a woman has her husband's name for longer than she had her own, she has every right to keep it.

I know a woman who was married to a man for 3 years, that's all, and they got divorced (pretty quickly as he cheated and left her so she was able to divorce him for infidelity.) They had a baby 12 months into the marriage.

She still kept his name though. as it was her son's name but now everyone knows her by that name, and like the above poster, it's who she is now. In addition, it's a verrrry unusual name and she loves it and never intends to get rid of it.

[TittyGolightly]

If a woman has her husband's name for longer than she had her own, she has every right to keep it.

Interesting sexist language there.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I understand that the ex element makes your thoughts a bit more complicated. But I agree it's not the main issue, which is that it's your name, going to your marriage and your relationship dynamic, which I think is a bit concerning.

There should be no deal breakers in a marriage like this. Has he actually said he doesn't want to marry you if you don't change your name?

I'm a second wife also on my second marriage. I changed my name. So I now have the same surname as the ex, my horrible SIL, worse MIL, my wonderful DSC and thousands of other people out there.

Ex has told her DP if they marry he has to take her name so he'll have the same name as DH, DSC and me.

In one way it's just a name. In another, it's not at all, it's your identity and really only your choice. Apart from parents naming their babies, no one should name anyone else. If you get married it's not about not changing your name. It doesn't change by itself.

Have a proper think about this and what it says about your relationship. If you're being pushed to do something you're not happy doing before you're even married, it doesn't bode well for a true, respectful, happy partnership.

[SerfTerf]

This Good point. If a woman has her husband's name for longer than she had her own, she has every right to keep it.

Any person has every right to keep or change any name they have had held for any length of time according to their own preferences.

[Trills]

I agree SerfTerf. If she has had that name for five minutes, she still has every right to keep it.

[AgathaRaisonDetra]

Is her name Rebecca de Winter, by any chance?

[TheNaze73]

I think every opinion OP, other than your own is irrelevant. I think he sounds prehistoric in his outlook.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Yep, it's her name. Just that - her name.

She may have once been married to him and that's why that's her name, but it doesn't make it less her name. You just have to put that aside: presumably lots of people have this name, some of them because they took it on marriage (e.g. his mum) or because it is their parent's name (ie him, his children) but all of them 'have' that name as much as anyone else.

You'd be better off focusing on him. He seems very inflexible and not exactly Mr. Top Catch here. I can understand him not wanting to take your name as he wants to stay the same as his children. But he has no right to tell you what to choose and if you have children together, if there any disagreement then the only fair way is to each keep your own surnames and double-barrel the children.

[Lelloteddy]

DPs Ex has 'instructed' him that I'm not allowed to take his name after we get married. So he's going to tell her he's taken mine

[pinkyredrose]

Tell him about a new tradition that's taking root - women not having to take thier husbands name after marriage.

I'm not that keen on most tradition anyway, to me it mainly means that lots of people have done something before you. So.you should do it because they have.

[ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs]

DPs Ex has 'instructed' him that I'm not allowed to take his name after we get married. So he's going to tell her he's taken mine

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! I'd be taking his name even if I hadn't intended to & even if it was horrible. Who the fuck does she think she is telling you what you can and cannot call yourself?

[1ndigo]

OP - in different circumstances (i.e. no ex-wife or an ex who had reverted back to her previous name), what would be your preference? I think that is the question really.

I can see why he would want you to take his name - especially as his ex and kids would have it and not you, his current wife, otherwise. You may find that the ex will change her name if you take his - it's possible? If you would like to take his name, then do so regardless of the ex. Otherwise, DBing sounds like the way to go. If he's traditional or whatever, just tell him his name can go first in the DB name

[Lelloteddy]

Chipping I think it's hilarious. Have no intention of officially changing my name but enjoy DP winding her up about it.

[MrSlant]

When you come on to a thread to be all 'go girl' you do what YOU feel comfortable with, don't let the man dictate what YOU want and leave with a desperate urge for a Gregg's sausage roll and egg custard...

My family still all send me cards with Mrs Ex-H First Name Ex-H Surname above the address. I swear in the case of my mother it's to wind me up.

[MsSusanStoHelit]

It's your dp who's being overly sensitive here. He's the one refusing to "allow" you to compromise. Like he should even have a say! It's your name.

Personally I hate bane changing on marriage unless you both do it or you both double barrel, I think it's awful, like negating women's actual personhood.

But note the "I think" bit. I don't care what other people do as long as they aren't dictating to me. There would have been no marriage had my husband objected to my plans for my name in any way.

[anotherdayanothernc]

He's being a twat. My dh was happy to take my name, me take his or just leave it.

I took his but then got the arse as his ex wife still lived in our very remote and small town and kept his name. Her initial was the same as mine so we'd get each other's post all the time.

She would have been ds's teacher and I didn't want ds catching any grief from it so (and I'm a little embarrassed about this now) told her I'd like it if she changed her name back.

In fairness dh was tricked in to marriage by her and the marriage was annulled so I did feel she was being a little in keeping Mrs BlahBlah.

[jmh740]

My dad was married 60 years ago they were married about 8 years and had 3 children. He then married my mum almost 40 years ago his ex wife still is known as Mrs h although their 3 children are now all in their 50s. I used to think it was a bit odd when I was younger ex wife was very religious and doesn't think mum and dads marriage counts as it's a second marriage for them both even though she was married to my dad for less than 10 years and my mum has been married to him for almost 40 years.

[BoysofMelody]

In fairness dh was tricked in to marriage by her and the marriage was annulled so I did feel she was being a little hmmin keeping Mrs BlahBlah

How do you get tricked into a marriage? Did he think he was signing a hp agreement for a three piece suite?

[SerfTerf]

In fairness dh was tricked in to marriage by her

Aren't they all?

Why did you want to marry someone so dim that he could be "tricked" into marriage?

[MirandaWest]

I was married to XH and changed my surname to be the same as his.

Then we split up. I kept that surname as it was my surname (and also the same as our DC).

He then got remarried. She didn't change her surname, but when she'd been married before she hadn't either. Not sure whether me having that surname had any impact on the decision.

I've now remarried and have double baralled with DHs surname. He would have liked me to change to his surname but I didn't want to so I didn't. Did consider not changing at all as was used to that surname but I did in the end. But was my decision.

[raspberrysuicide]

My divorce papers came through yesterday. I'm keeping my married name and not changing it ever. It's the same name as my 2 dds and I am not having a different name to my children.

[MirandaWest]

Good :) It's your name and you can do whatever you want with it

[CryingShame]

I am Mrs Shame. So is my DH's step mother, and his mother, and loads of other Mrs. Shames all over the country. The issue isn't whether the ex-wife is keeping the surname, it's the name she is known as and the name her children have.

The issue is whether you want that name. I jumped at the chance to swap mine as my maiden name was dreadful and difficult to spell, but it was my choice. I know some women who use their married name at home and maiden name at work, one where husband and wife both added her maiden name as their middle name and took his name as the surname, one where the couple hyphenated both surnames together and both used the new hyphenated name, and some women who kept their maiden name.

He doesn't get to choose what your name is. If you refused to take his name, would he still marry you? That is the issue you're dealing with. If he would, would he insist that any children have his name?

[OllyBJolly]

In fairness dh was tricked in to marriage by her and the marriage was annulled so I did feel she was being a little hmmin keeping Mrs BlahBlah

How do you get tricked into a marriage? Did he think he was signing a hp agreement for a three piece suite?

[TittyGolightly]

Comment from a colleague at my new job today.

Her: "His name used to be Simon Thing, but now it's Simon Twiddly-Thing. He got married and took her name. I think that's weird."
Me: "presumably they wanted to share a name and decided to do it fairly."
Her: "guess so. It's still weird for a man to take a woman's name though. Not right."
Me:

Later:
Her: "ooh, your new starter form has come through."