Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Second Wife, Same Surname.

222 replies

LittleBooInABox · 22/07/2017 20:46

I know I'm probably being unreasonable here, however, I'd like some other opinions.

My DP and I have been seeing each other two years. Have been talking of getting married lately, there is one issue, and I'm happy to be told it's just me. His ex wife still uses his name. (Her name now I suppose)
They have two children together if tat helps, don't want to drop feed later.

He's big on tradition and wants me to take his name. I've said I'd rather keep my maiden name because I don't want to be with the same name she has (childish maybe) but to me it isn't a comfortable thing. It's not that I want her to use her maiden name, it's my issue and I'm happy to accept that it's a silly one, but I can't seem to get pasted it.

I've said I'd double barrel mine to his, then use my maiden name in non legal ways, places etc. But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Any ideas for a compromise?
Should I just build a bridge and get over this silliness?

OP posts:

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 22/07/2017 21:00

She's the mother of his children who presumably carry his name?

And whether you like it or not, etiquette dictates you will be a "Mrs", whether you choose to use it or not is up to you.

Do you really think 200 years down the line when some descendant's are digging back through the family tree they are going to be bothered whether you're a Miz, Miss or Mrs? You will be his wife, and a "Mrs" by default.

squoosh · 22/07/2017 21:04

But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

As in 'take my name of the wedding's off'? No I definitely do not think you should build a bridge and get over this 'silliness'.

Fuck that shit.

It's not silly, it's your opinion on YOUR name and you can choose to keep your name for whatever reason you choose.

placemark123 · 22/07/2017 21:05

I don't think the default is mrs, is it? Its whatever you want it to be I think. I'm married and I'm certainly not a mrs.

chips4teaplease · 22/07/2017 21:06

I still use my married name. The ex and me split up in 1986, and he died in 2015 (I think). The one child of the marriage has herself married and took her husband's name. When she was small, she wanted to have the same name as me, so I kept his name. I thought of taking my mother's maiden name as my surname (feminist, you know, we did those things in those days) but she objected as everyone who had been named after her had died young.
The ex's two further wives also took his name.

Middle wife remarried, I think.
There hasn't been any confusion.

placemark123 · 22/07/2017 21:06

Also etiquette is to check what people choose to be called and call them that

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 22/07/2017 21:07

Etiquette dictates you are a Mrs, whether you choose to use it or not is your call.

EG Emily Thornberry may choose to go by her maiden name, she is still Lady Christopher Nugee whether she likes it or not!

Emboo19 · 22/07/2017 21:08

The bigger problem for me would be his attitude to it, no way I'd marry someone who would only do so if I agreed to change my name to his.

What other 'traditions' is he big on? Bet he's not following the no sex until marriage one, is he? And the till death do us part one, obviously didn't work.

Sorry op, I realise that's not really any help. My only compromise would be, that I keep my name but I'd double barrel any future children's.

paxillin · 22/07/2017 21:08

He's big on tradition

Is divorce part of that tradition?

But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Nothing it is then.

Parker231 · 22/07/2017 21:08

Either keep your surname or he change his to yours?

squoosh · 22/07/2017 21:08

People get really fond of 'etiquette' on these threads.

Fuck what etiquette dictates. If someone wants to be a Ms they're a Ms. I'm sure genealogists two centuries from now will be able to deal with that detail.

RaspberryOverloadsOnIcepops · 22/07/2017 21:09

Just because something is "traditional" doesn't mean it's a good thing to do.

A bloke being this rigid about the trivial issue of a name doesn't sound so good.

Fink · 22/07/2017 21:09

Nothing to do with ex-w, all to do with having a fiancé who thinks he can dictate to you what YOUR name should be. Why you don't feel comfortable with his name is unimportant, if you don't want that name, don't take it. Plenty of suggestions upthread if you want to marry him without this name (don't change anything, he takes yours, double barrelled etc.) of which only the ones which involve him changing his name concern him. If he's not interested in you making your own decision about this then I wouldn't be interested in marrying him.

Gemini69 · 22/07/2017 21:09

I like the double barrel thing.... go with that if it's suitable

BraveBear · 22/07/2017 21:10

I think you're both being awkward.

It's one thing to not want to change your name, that's fine obviously - but to not want his name just because another woman was there before you? That's silly and petulant, and there is nothing he can do about it.

And if he will only marry you if you take his name, he might be a twat, but I think he's just reacting to your unreasonableness.

RaspberryOverloadsOnIcepops · 22/07/2017 21:11

I don't have the same name as my DCs. Has never been a problem.

Glumglowworm · 22/07/2017 21:12

My parents have been divorced for 18 years and my mum still has my dads name because everyone always knew her as Mrs Smith (not real name), she uses Ms now not Mrs though.

It is, as you acknowledge, a silly reason to not want to change your name. But so what? It's your name, it will hopefully be your name for the rest of your life. It's more silly for your DH to get worked up about your name. Because it's your name not his (even if they were the same).

Double barrelling is increasingly common, as is just keeping your own name. It's entirely your decision.

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 22/07/2017 21:13

Take whatever name you bloody well like! Be Madame de Littleboo III if you like, it's up to you.

Your fiancé has no right to dictate. And who gives a shit about what people 200 years hence will think? It's about time etiquette got an update anyway.

Rainybo · 22/07/2017 21:13

I reverted to my maiden name on divorce. I will now be staying Ms Rainybo for the rest of my life, re-marriage or not.

Your name is your choice.

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2017 21:13

She is a has - been Mrs. . You will be the forever Mrs. .
Take his name - it's yours now!!

What utter rot.

When I married and took my husband's name, it became legally mine. I have kept it because (a) I want the same name as my child and (b) my married name is the name I have used professionally to build my business.

Nothing to do with clinging onto being a wife and everything to do with practicality

MrSlant · 22/07/2017 21:14

Well it's a good test of whether you are a good match to get married, it's great you are discussing it before but if he is 'all or nothing mentality' and you are willing to just lie down and compromise when it's something you feel really strongly about (whether that is wrong or right in anyone else's eyes is neither here nor there, you can't change how you feel) you need to be sure it's not going to be a recurring theme.

I kept my ex-h's surname, it's been mine half my life nearly and I want to be the same as my sons. Also it's my professional name and I want to keep that. It would feel sad to change it, but I would if I thought there someone was feeling as you do.

Although the "has-been Mrs" was a lovely comment, there are lots of reasons to not want to change, I tried very hard to stay in my marriage but sometimes you can't. Doesn't make me a has been makes me the stronger woman I am today who chooses to use the name that I do, because it suits me to do so. The first time I ever felt I had a choice.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 22/07/2017 21:15

I don't have the same name as my DCs. Has never been a problem.

According to the sages at MN you will be forever stopped at airports on child abduction grounds ..........

squoosh · 22/07/2017 21:15

It is, as you acknowledge, a silly reason to not want to change your name.

Tbh I think getting married is a silly reason to change one's name too.

BraveBear · 22/07/2017 21:17

If he's that big on tradition he shouldn't have got a divorce. Or had sex with you before marriage... Would his traditional self prefer to live "in sin" with you over marrying you and you keeping your name? Moral cherry picking at its finest.

MrSlant · 22/07/2017 21:18

Ha, hi Jacques snap!

placemark123 · 22/07/2017 21:19

Well, you have to choose to change your name. The default is you keep your own, so if you don't actively change it you will never have your husband's name, and it would be phenomenally rude for someone to call you mrs hisname against your will.

So, there is no law that makes you mrs hisname, unless you electively change it you remain firstname own name, and most major etiquette guides will tell you to call people what they choose to be called. Legally you don't even need to have a title I believe? 'Tradition' is to be mrs his name, but tradition is different to etiquette.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.