Bathroom Rules

[CircleofWillis]

My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and I have suspected for years that my DH is also on the spectrum. He has rules that I find it hard to understand but mainly go along with if they don't affect me too much. For example at night we are only allowed lamps rather than the main ceiling light. If he is driving he gets to choose what we listen to. Which sounds reasonable until I say I only passed my driving test 8 months ago and we've been together for 15 years! Last night I really became angry about one of his rules. If he is is the bathroom he MUST NOT be disturbed. I woke up last night and desperately needed the loo. I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom and knocked on the door and asked to use the loo. No answer. I knocked again and told him I was desperate. He answered 'just a minute.' One minute later he was still brushing and I had to rush down nearly 3 flights of stairs to use the other loo. I didn't quite make it... on my return upstairs he was trying to instigate sex and I was just incredulous explaining that I had just wet myself because he didn't let me pop into the bathroom and now he was expecting me to feel intimately towards him. He didn't understand and just said "well you know I can't stand being disturbed when I'm in the bathroom and you do it all the time". This is really not true. Probably once a month at the most. He thinks he was being perfectly reasonable and that from now on I'll go all the way downstairs immediately as I know he doesn't want to be disturbed. I think he is being a selfish prick and that he could have stepped outside to brush his teeth for the 20 seconds it would have taken me to pee. I am worried that all the concessions I make for his minor demands has fed into this massive entitled feeling he has regarding his likes and dislikes. AIBU and should I just head downstairs next time even though there is a chance I won't make it in time again?

I think YABU. Your husbands rules sound perfectly reasonable to me.

Sorry OP but I think your OH sounds reasonable too.

I hate the main light on in the evening and hate being disturbed in the bathroom.

You need to go to the doctor about your urge incontinence.

Other than the bathroom thing I have the same rules. (I am not on the spectrum).

That is the thing I'd concentrate on.

It's your incontinence that would concern me most op here, I know it's not what your posting about, but it's not right, you need to see a doctor.

I think YABU sorry OP!

I also don't like all this 'on the spectrum' stuff, it seems like a lot of people need to diagnose others for just having a personality

I also do my car my music. Always have. If I'm driving then I choose the music.

I also hate overhead lights.

I'm not on the spectrum.

I don't think I've ever disturbed my DH in the bathroom and we only have one loo!

Eh? I'm really surprised by some of the posters above. You don't sound incontinent at all. Your husband was cruel not to let you pop in and to make you rush down three flights.

I don't know why you didn't go downstairs straight away when he would t open the door. Initially I was on your side until you said there was another toilet! Were you trying to make a point? Did you deliberately hold off until it was too late?

I have seen a doctor. No infections and It only happens when I wake up at night so doctor not concerned just suggested I drink less water before going to bed.

I'd also worry about your incontinence, I hate to be interrupted in the bathroom and like gentle lighting at night.

I also hate overhead lights, so did my parents when I was growing up.

If you know it's an issue, and you clearly do, why didn't you just go straight downstairs?

Just realised I also ignore all summons when I am in the bathroom. I don't even respond and DC know not to call me.

Neither of you are unreasonable in your attitudes to sharing a bathroom- just incompatible.

But as he was already in there, and you know he doesn't like to be disturbed- then you should have gone downstairs to use the other loo before you got to the point of wetting yourself.

Well that was helpful of the gp. Waking up and having to pee within three mins or you wet yourself isn't right at all.

However if your husband knows you suffer incontinence at night he is being really unreasonable to not let you in the loo.

My DD has ASD, and I recognise doing something once = "you do X all the time"!

Agree with laurel.

I think your husband is NBU about the lights and music

I think you are unreasonable as your house has another toilet! Try living in a house with only one toilet.
I am quite happy for family members to come into the bathroom if I'm in the bath etc but my husband is more private and prefers to lock the door. I think that's fair enough and he usually warns everyone if he's running a bath to give them the chance for a quick wee. On the odd occasion he hasn't warned or I cannot wait I have utilised a bucket!

I think YABU. If you'd gone downstairs straight away instead or harassing him, you wouldn't have wet yourself.

The overhead lights thing would drive me nuts, I hate not being able to see properly, my mum has just lamps on in the evening and I find it so hard! All the shadows and having to strain to see where you're going. Yanbu!

My mum never has overhead lights on , it drives me bonkers as I have the house fully illuminated , the car music thing is quite normal , I'm driving it's my choice . As for the bathroom , i wouldn't have knocked I've had just walked in , you knew he wasn't on the loo, but that's the sort of house I live in . The only people I wouldn't walk in on is the dc , dh is fair game . Perhaps do some pelvic floor exercises .

I can't abide bad lighting, which is usually the case with lamps, so I'd have the overhead lights on at night. He wouldn't be getting away with insisting on the lamps.

If someone is already in the bathroom and there's another toilet nearby, it probably wouldn't even occur to me to try and use the room already in use. (It's also another reason I hate toilets being inside the bathroom, rather than in their own room, but it's usually pretty standard in an ensuites, which it sounds like was the case here?).

MeanAger I have to leave our flat and go down 3 flights of steps to a communal toilet for the rooms downstairs. Not just a quick pop down when busting for the loo.
I find it interesting that so many people think he is reasonable. I find it quite draining ALWAYS doing things his way. I do think that 14 years of never being able to choose a CD or listen to the radio for a change is unreasonable but if it is like that in most people's homes I suppose I should just suck it up.