Bathroom Rules

[CircleofWillis]

My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and I have suspected for years that my DH is also on the spectrum. He has rules that I find it hard to understand but mainly go along with if they don't affect me too much. For example at night we are only allowed lamps rather than the main ceiling light. If he is driving he gets to choose what we listen to. Which sounds reasonable until I say I only passed my driving test 8 months ago and we've been together for 15 years! Last night I really became angry about one of his rules. If he is is the bathroom he MUST NOT be disturbed. I woke up last night and desperately needed the loo. I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom and knocked on the door and asked to use the loo. No answer. I knocked again and told him I was desperate. He answered 'just a minute.' One minute later he was still brushing and I had to rush down nearly 3 flights of stairs to use the other loo. I didn't quite make it... on my return upstairs he was trying to instigate sex and I was just incredulous explaining that I had just wet myself because he didn't let me pop into the bathroom and now he was expecting me to feel intimately towards him. He didn't understand and just said "well you know I can't stand being disturbed when I'm in the bathroom and you do it all the time". This is really not true. Probably once a month at the most. He thinks he was being perfectly reasonable and that from now on I'll go all the way downstairs immediately as I know he doesn't want to be disturbed. I think he is being a selfish prick and that he could have stepped outside to brush his teeth for the 20 seconds it would have taken me to pee. I am worried that all the concessions I make for his minor demands has fed into this massive entitled feeling he has regarding his likes and dislikes. AIBU and should I just head downstairs next time even though there is a chance I won't make it in time again?

His 'rules' mean he ought not to be in a relationship with anyone.

Of course he has ASD. He cannot empathise with you or see why his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

In a normal relationship these things don't happen.
I like being in the bath alone- time out. Sometimes DH will ask if he can in and chat to me. Sometimes I say no, because I want some solitude. If he wanted the loo, I'd get out of the bath for him.

Has your DP had a diagnosis? If not he needs one as well as counselling . this kind of behaviour goes way beyond people's little 'quirks' or ''funny ways'.

Christ Pengggwn You sound a perfect match for the OP's other half! Have a read of what you have said.

So the OP needs to train her bladder so she doesn't need a wee when her DP is brushing his teeth?

And if she can't then she must wet herself?

Are you actually in a relationship where you behave this way?

Of course he has ASD. He cannot empathise with you or see why his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

There's another toilet in the house and rather than walk to that OP decided to interrupt her DH while he was using the closest bathroom. Just because someone has ASD doesn't mean they shouldn't be in a relationship ffs. My mum managed with my dad, DP manages with me and I'm hopeful that my kids will manage to find someone who accepts them for who they are when they're older.

I see what you mean Pen (not Peggy, sorry about that!) but out of curiosity, what is the harm in knocking? Let's say I am using the toilet or doing something else that I can't interrupt / had to be done alone, I'll just say so through the door. I wouldn't want DH to come in but I wouldn't mind saying a fem words through a closed door.

PollyPerky aside from your pretty offensive sweeping statements about someone with ASD are you aware there is another toilet in their house? One OP could have gone to in the first place?

Down three flights of stairs and outside their flat? You're fucking joking

Yanbu. The rules are annoying. I like bright lights ... if my dh wanted dim, why would his preference trump mine?

RTFT
The toilet is not in the house. It is outside their flat. It is a communal toilet. And it's 3 flights down.
And I assume as the OP was asleep it was night time anyway.

I cannot get my head around people who think it's unreasonable to ask a partner to vacate the bathroom pronto while cleaning their teeth, 'cos you are desperate for wee.

I don't think I'd read anything like this outside of MN. It's another planet.

No 16 my reasonings for suspecting that is on the spectrum are:
He is very rigid about a great deal of things
He finds change hard
He has difficulties socially and professionally which led to his family setting up a trust fund for him
We have a daughter with ASD and there is a strong genetic component to the condition
I am a HC professional who has worked with children and young adults with autism and other disorders for over 20 years.
I have known and loved this man for 15 years and know him better than anyone else in this world.

Notralyarsed
RTFT

Then come back with something sensible.

And yes, people with ASD lack empathy sometimes . I've worked with them, professionally.

There was still another toilet she could have used. The fact is that you're all jumping on OPs DH for being rigid and inflexible (part of his diagnosis) when she is being rigid and inflexible for no bloody reason!

A lot of people lack empathy. They don't all have ASD.

Re high functioning autism and relationships - in the most general sense of the word - my favourite quotation is from John Elder Robison.

'If I act a bit different because I’m autistic, I think it’s my right to do so without being mocked, bullied, or discriminated against. At the same time I realize people are people, and if I act like a jerk, I will be treated as one. I understand I have a responsibility to learn how to behave in ways others will find acceptable or even appealing.'

PollyPerky Really? You must be an expert then I've been raised by a man with ASD, I have ASD and I've given birth to 3 kids with it, so do me a favour and shove your "expertise". The fact is that OP knows what upsets her DH, it's not down to him being awkward, it's down to ASD and she still wants to do things her way. And you talk like he's some kind of controlling abuser. Helpful.

Pen he was brushing his teeth. I knew because I could hear the electric toothbrush going right next to the bathroom door.

YANBU! I wouldn't dream of hogging the bathroom just for tooth-brushing while DH was desperate for a wee, and he wouldn't do it to me. I'm amazed so many people think that's reasonable.

And in our car, DH drives and I'm the designated DJ But I wouldn't mind if he wanted his music, fair enough.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am, and then I see stuff like this on MN

notreallyarsed. I do do things his way. All the f###ing time every day all day which I suppose was really the true point of my OP.
Should I be insisting on my way for some rules so that when things are important or urgent he is able to adapt. E.g. When I had to go in to hospital for an emergency c-section I had to call his brother to ask him to come to hospital and bring my bag as my DH had a weekly squash session with a friend and he was the only person with a key. His brother called him and persuaded him that 'after squash' was not an appropriate option.

He was cleaning his teeth ffs not doing life saving surgery on himself! No way would I go down 3 flights of stairs and outside for a pee at night if I woke up bursting for the loo.

And I like to chose the music if I am driving but I do let others chose too. 15 years of never having a choice of what you are listening to every freaking time you go anywhere is beyond selfish.

The vast majority of people with asd are capable of understanding what being selfish means and what considering other people means. They are also capable of understanding that bursting for the loo trumps bloody teeth cleaning once in a blue moon. Ops dh manages to function outside the house which means considering others and following rules he can do the same in his own house. Why should op live her entire life according to His rules without having her feelings considered?

It seemed to be important to my father to beat me up by hitting me hard, repeatedly on either side of my head when I didn't do as I was told, as a teenager. In retrospect I imagine his violence was connected to what is now called a meltdown

(Why didn't I do what I was told?)

It seemed to be important to him to walk into my room and shut the windows when I was crying in misery and then walk out again.

(Why didn't I stop crying?)

It seemed to be important to him that my mother should be his servant and that he should never once say 'Please' or 'Thank you' or express affection.

(Why did she still unreasonably keep hoping for politeness and affection?)

I suppose really the problem is that we just have our own legitimate emotions and our own quite reasonable needs and our own physical and mental health suffers if the people we share our own lives with can not or will not acknowledge that.

Pen because I really didn't realise that he considered brushing his teeth a private action. It is something we both usually do with the door ajar. I supposed he had just used the loo and was brushing before heading to bed which is why the door was closed. It is also usually very quick as he gets home late from gigs most nights.