Bathroom Rules

[CircleofWillis]

My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and I have suspected for years that my DH is also on the spectrum. He has rules that I find it hard to understand but mainly go along with if they don't affect me too much. For example at night we are only allowed lamps rather than the main ceiling light. If he is driving he gets to choose what we listen to. Which sounds reasonable until I say I only passed my driving test 8 months ago and we've been together for 15 years! Last night I really became angry about one of his rules. If he is is the bathroom he MUST NOT be disturbed. I woke up last night and desperately needed the loo. I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom and knocked on the door and asked to use the loo. No answer. I knocked again and told him I was desperate. He answered 'just a minute.' One minute later he was still brushing and I had to rush down nearly 3 flights of stairs to use the other loo. I didn't quite make it... on my return upstairs he was trying to instigate sex and I was just incredulous explaining that I had just wet myself because he didn't let me pop into the bathroom and now he was expecting me to feel intimately towards him. He didn't understand and just said "well you know I can't stand being disturbed when I'm in the bathroom and you do it all the time". This is really not true. Probably once a month at the most. He thinks he was being perfectly reasonable and that from now on I'll go all the way downstairs immediately as I know he doesn't want to be disturbed. I think he is being a selfish prick and that he could have stepped outside to brush his teeth for the 20 seconds it would have taken me to pee. I am worried that all the concessions I make for his minor demands has fed into this massive entitled feeling he has regarding his likes and dislikes. AIBU and should I just head downstairs next time even though there is a chance I won't make it in time again?

Nike you sound terribly prickly over people with ASD. Why is that?

There is a book entitled 'Aspergers in Love'. It's used and recommended by counsellors / psychotherapists working with couples. It's based around both people understanding each other's needs .

People with ASD find it hard to empathise or cooperate at times because they tend to put their own needs and rigid 'rules' first.

I too am a professional with experience of working with people with ASD.

I suggest unless you know better, you refrain from making a) assumptions and b) silly snide comments.

TheRattleBag I think if you are using the loo for a week, your DP would be the least of your worries 😄

SarahJane123 I know!! I even previewed the bloody post and never noticed!

Sounds like the DH deliberately extended his teeth cleaning to make a point.

Huge sympathies about weeing yourself OP. I have an overactive bladder or nocturia (weeing too much at night) or something similar but my GP just thinks that waking up 3 or 4 times a night desperate for a piss is a non issue and I should just drink less.

I do it even if I don't drink anything after 6 pm and then I just spend all evening desperately thirsty and still wake up for a piss and can't sleep due to thirst either.

He definitely sounds unreasonable to me

It's not ok for one person to dictate how everything should be in the house

Polly Thanks for the book recommendation.

Is there anyone else out there sharing their lives with an adult with (suspected) ASD? What does your life look like and are you both happy?

You might like the site 'Different Together'. They have a FB page as well.

You are welcome Circles. It was recommended by a Relate counsellor.

All I'd say is that the person with ASD has to be willing to learn new behaviour and meet their partner half way.

The first strategy is to sit down and say how YOU feel, in a non confrontational manner. I don't know if it is something you might want to do but there are counsellors who work with couples where one is ASD. It can help to have a neutral 3rd party to help dialogue.

@CircleofWillis

We have never had a shut door for the bathroom in our entire relationship! He poos whilst I'm in the bath!

The actual issue is his failure to compromise- doesn't matter what about- he's not in charge so you should be able to discuss anything you're not comfortable with!

Nike you sound terribly prickly over people with ASD. Why is that?
Perhaps it's because, unlike you, I actually have ASD.

Nikephorus I replied the same thing to that poster, all my kids have ASD too. She stopped responding after that.

Perhaps one could turn this round and ask those ASD posters on this thread about how they think their being ASD brings positive things to their relationships and parenting - not just to those other family members who are ASD - but to their neurotypical partners and children.

So rather than ASD simply being a 'right' way of being to which others must conform at all times, it is one way of being among a sort of general human diversity. Where neurotypical people do their best respect those who aren't NT. And equally those who are ASD endeavour to respect those who are neurotypical.

I do recognise that I have ways which are difficult for DP to live with. I ask him to tell me if I've been unintentionally abrupt or have hurt his feelings. I try very hard to be considerate of his needs too, and we try to teach the kids to be tolerant and accepting of other people as we expect other people to be tolerant and accepting of them.
DP says that my ability to organise and compartmentalise things makes running the home/family easier and actually gives him a guide of what needs to be done and when. The fact that the kids have a fairly solid routine makes daily life easier because nobody is wondering what the hell is going on.
I'm not good at reading social cues and have extreme anxiety and OCD (diagnosed) which I'm aware is extremely difficult to live with, so I don't place demands on him to conform to the way I do things. His job is very "on the hop" in the sense that he doesn't know far in advance what will happen and when and can be away for days at a time with very short notice. It's something I struggle greatly with and am making a massive effort to learn to cope with.

What I'm trying to say is that in our home there's a lot of give and take, both of us try our best to be considerate of the other and understand how we affect each other. Mostly we're happy, very rarely argue (twice in 6 years), and would rather talk things out if there are minor issues. He is a huge support to me, especially in the last few months as my mum was dying of cancer, and died 3 weeks ago which was horrendous, and he has been phenomenal. Part of my routine was to call my mum in the morning and the evening, and without that I'm struggling a lot.

And I hope I'm a support to him, he says I am, and I try to be.

notreally and an "awkward Aspie pat on the shoulder"

Nikephorus right back at you

So rather than ASD simply being a 'right' way of being to which others must conform at all times, it is one way of being among a sort of general human diversity
Who said that ASD was a "right" way of being?! It's not right or wrong, the same as NT shouldn't be right or wrong. The problem with being ASD is that it can make some things difficult & life can be bloody hard work. So being at home should be the one place where we can relax and not have to still work at fitting into an NT world. Yes it involves compromise, but you wouldn't say to someone who was deaf "oh well you just need to listen harder because I'm sick of having to sign to you, or who was blind "well you'll just have to cope with me leaving things in the wrong place for you to fall over. Just because you don't understand our difficulties doesn't mean that we don't have them or that we can miraculously make them disappear just because they don't suit you.

Cheers notreally

Nikephorus god you've just put it better than I ever could have!

I love a bit of undisturbed bathroom time, but there did need to be a bit of give and take.
Always choosing music? That is ott.

But no overhead lights? I get that.
But this is really about feeling powerless, and dictated to, which I could not cope with.

How does " but you know I hate being disturbed in the bathroom " trump
" but you know I hate leaving the flat at night to end up wetting myself"

But it isn't really like being blind or deaf. My DH finds sirens extremely distressing and will have to cover his ears when one passes. However he if he is walking or crossing the road with our young DC he will no longer let go of DC's hand to cover his ears as he knows he would be putting her in danger. This change came from experience and learning to prioritise her safety over his extreme discomfort. No matter how much they forced themselves, someone who is blind or deaf cannot see or hear in an emergency.

I think the difference here is really that without having ASD no amount of experience can really let you know what it is like. For example when I said I only disturb DH in the bathroom once a month to me that is really rare less than 2% of the times he is in the bathroom while he thinks of this as 'all the time' and another poster said it was on a 'regular basis'. These different perceptions of the same time scale are not something I would automatically know about until I come in direct contact with it while if I had ASD it might have been more obvious to me.
He brings such a lot to our relationship. He is creative and funny. Good with money and finances and is happy to do all the horrible taxes, bills and foreign money exchanges. He is great with technology and we share a love of science fiction, anime and tech toys. He is creative and talented playing and writing music and loves to perform. He loves our DD and is a great dad. He is very affectionate and loves my figure whatever size I am. He brings me little presents. He likes my friends and tends to make an effort to socialise when my friends or family come by.

Well in the first post OP said that she knocked once & said she needed the loo, DH ignored it (probably had a mouthful of toothpaste actually & didn't want to spit it up the mirror while he answered!). Then she knocked again & said she was desperate & he said 'just a minute' - that's not him saying "sod off I'm not letting you in & you'll have to wet yourself', it's him saying "hang on for a very short time while I finish & then you can have the bathroom to yourself'. He isn't a mind-reader & can't see through the door (us Aspies don't have superpowers like that) so he doesn't know that when she says she's desperate she means I can't wait 60 seconds. After all, she says that it's not a regular problem & as far as he was aware she was in bed asleep so it's not like she's been out there waiting for ages while he hogs the bathroom. Most people can hold it for a minute while someone finishes what they're doing & there was no reason to suspect that OP couldn't. So I can't see that he was being unfair in expecting her to be a little bit patient. The fact that she wet herself had everything to do with drinking too much too close to bedtime & nothing to do with DH wanting to brush his teeth. Like a PP said, what would have happened if he'd been on the loo himself?? Is he expected to get off mid-crap just to let her use it?!!