Bathroom Rules

[CircleofWillis]

My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and I have suspected for years that my DH is also on the spectrum. He has rules that I find it hard to understand but mainly go along with if they don't affect me too much. For example at night we are only allowed lamps rather than the main ceiling light. If he is driving he gets to choose what we listen to. Which sounds reasonable until I say I only passed my driving test 8 months ago and we've been together for 15 years! Last night I really became angry about one of his rules. If he is is the bathroom he MUST NOT be disturbed. I woke up last night and desperately needed the loo. I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom and knocked on the door and asked to use the loo. No answer. I knocked again and told him I was desperate. He answered 'just a minute.' One minute later he was still brushing and I had to rush down nearly 3 flights of stairs to use the other loo. I didn't quite make it... on my return upstairs he was trying to instigate sex and I was just incredulous explaining that I had just wet myself because he didn't let me pop into the bathroom and now he was expecting me to feel intimately towards him. He didn't understand and just said "well you know I can't stand being disturbed when I'm in the bathroom and you do it all the time". This is really not true. Probably once a month at the most. He thinks he was being perfectly reasonable and that from now on I'll go all the way downstairs immediately as I know he doesn't want to be disturbed. I think he is being a selfish prick and that he could have stepped outside to brush his teeth for the 20 seconds it would have taken me to pee. I am worried that all the concessions I make for his minor demands has fed into this massive entitled feeling he has regarding his likes and dislikes. AIBU and should I just head downstairs next time even though there is a chance I won't make it in time again?

Calm down Nike.
He's being rigid a and inflexible. It's give and take in relationship not just your way or nothing.
Christ is it really better for the op to wet herself than him pop out for 20 seconds? People have different bodies she clearly didn't do this just to annoy him.

I agree Magdalen - it's completely ridiculous. Seems like the first few answers on most threads are written by total nobs.

Massive huge drip feed. I'd only read page 1.
And if you work with ASD then I'd hope you'd have a bit more understanding
Drink less, it's not difficult. How was he supposed to know that you were that desperate if this wasn't a regular thing?

I can't believe some of these responses. Of course you were not unreasonable. Your loo need was far greater than his need to brush teeth or be undistirbed. Refusing someone access to a toilet when they need it is cruel and controlling and I would be disgusted at the lack of empathy . Lights, fair enough everyone has a preference but don't get why there's a need for hard rules, and why he thinks he is the only one entitled to make them . You deserve a big apology

Jesus there are some right rigid wankers on this thread, I think they would be better suited to your dp than you are op. What sort of arsehole would make someone who is bursting for a wee walk down three flights of stairs to a toilet that might even already be occupied rather than step out of the bathroom for a few seconds? Whether the op should drink less water/has a bladder issue is neither here nor there, she needed to go, and she needed to go in a hurry. That should be enough for anyone who gives a shit about her well being. Even just based on your first post op, again, yanbu

Heading downstairs would mean leaving the flat to use communal loos. Not as if they've got 2 loos in their flat.

I am surprised at the number of posters who don't think he is selfish, entitled, controlling and unreasonable.

I get the feeling op walks on eggshells.

I have lived with a ds with ASD and a dh with diagnosed ADHD and possibly undiagnosed ASD.

It is not easy and at times it can feel like these conditions dominate family life to a suffocating degree. I have gone along with many rules and ways of doing things to keep the peace. This has at times made me feel resentful. I've found it helpful to research the conditions to help me understand patterns of behaviour.

I think a surprising majority of posters have missed the point of this thread. The examples op gives are probably the tip of the iceberg. The point is she's wondering if going along with this type of thing has made him feel entitled and exacerbated his controlling tendencies.

This post really resonates with me.

I'd tell my dh I wasn't going to continue in a relationship where everything had to be his way and I'd mean it.

Nike, I think it is a bit strong calling me a selfish prick for asking to use to loo 
This is the first time in over a month that I have disturbed him and I put up with all his many other demands.
Pen the physical stress of going downstairs is part of the problem not just the waiting. I was not being passive aggressive by wetting myself and only told him as he was trying to initiate sex and I was flabbergasted and angry. I actually think that HE was being passive aggressive by not letting me in or not even saying 'go downstairs' but taking longer than usual to brush. He usually barely does one minute at night. So I think after telling him I'm desperate he was trying to teach me a lesson or was making a point rather than just getting on with it.

I am aware now that his preferences and even his rigid insistence is actually quite common (at least on Mumsnet). I also will actually take my gp's advice and do most of my drinking earlier in the day. Up to now it hasn't been an issue as I don't mind getting up once a night.

To those who have asked I am on a low carb low fat diet recommended by my gym trainer and approved by my gp. The amount of water is increased from the usual 2 litres a day to 3 litres due to exercise, the hot weather and the fact that some of my meals are healthbars.

I also lived with somebody like this - my father. Obviously children tend to take their father's habits for granted and my mother did everything she could to comply and make sure we complied.

But as I neared adolescence I just started to wonder, not so much about 'the old rules' but about new ones that he would make up.

For example he once wanted to tape a Wagner opera on Radio 3 - this was in the days of reel to reel tape recording. The broadcast went on until about 10.30 pm and as I had school the next day I would normally have been in bed by then. But the music from downstairs - below my bedroom was so loud sleep was impossible.

So I decided to do a jigsaw on my bedroom floor while I was awake.

When my father had finished taping, he came up and opened my bedroom door, on the way to his room which was at the other end of the first floor. (No adjoining walls)

He told me not to do the jigsaw, as he was going to bed now and it might keep him awake

I probably still feel resentment about that one forty-five years later.

I think not allowing someone into the bathroom because you are brushing your teeth is flabbergastingly selfish , rude and ignorant. That thud you just heard was my jaw dropping.

Equally, not allowing anybody else to choose car music is wrong, wrong, wrong. Just because you're driving??? Selfish.

YANBU, Op. Wholeheartedly, YANBU.

Loads of people told you to ltb the last time you posted about this tight-fisted trustafarian. Seems you didn't listen.

YANBU

But why was he brushing his teeth so late? You say this was middle of the night. Does he go to bed much later than you?

I mean this seriously- if you are desperate and don't want to go down 3 flights of stairs in the middle of the night, use a make shift potty. A plastic jug or a bowl is fine. (Then aim it at your DH when he emerges :))

Any reasonable person would step outside the loo mid teeth brushing and let you use it.

My parents only had 1 loo when I was a child. They, or me, would vacate the bathroom when someone knocked to say they were 'bursting' or even worse, sometimes even coming out of the bath or shower with a towel draped around us, to allow the other person to use the loo.

Perhaps Pengggwn could - in future, once immediate matters have been sorted and everyone is free to live as they choose - get together with the OP's partner. They do sound ideally suited....

There are some unbelievably shitty responses here- drinkless, don't wait so long, see your GP.

FFS!

So it's fine to control someone by not pausing cleaning your teeth. Someone you love and care for. Supposedly.

Jeez.

No wonder wars start when people can't see sense over daily stuff like this.

And those people saying it was an emergency pee... really?
Yes really, mist morning I wake up and need to go for a per straightaway. I have 5min tops. And since having DC it is even worse.
I am fine the rest of the day so don't believe I have a physical problem...
OP ignore everybody saying you are incontinent!

Oh and Peggy when you say the bathroom was in use so OP should have gone elsewhere, why do you consider teeth brushing should mean no one can enter? What about other rooms? If your DH/DP reads a book in the living room would you also consider the room to be in use and go elsewhere?

Thank you SuperRainbows. I actually found myself letting out a big sigh of relief and recognition at your post. I do walk on eggshells and it is tiring. Going along with one or two things because individually they do not make much difference to you is one thing but having lots of rules which have to be rigidly obeyed can't be a healthy way to live.
You are also right that a big part of my original question was 'should I go along with all his little rules even though they are not my preference or am I building an expectation for him that HIS way should always take precedence". Which makes it hard for him to show flexibility or to consider another person's needs.

Before we had our DC it was less intense.

Seems like everyone on mumsnet wants everyone to be "on the spectrum" and your reasoning behind this is because he does things you don't like....

BTW if is happens again then yes I will head downstairs straight away.