Bathroom Rules

[CircleofWillis]

My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and I have suspected for years that my DH is also on the spectrum. He has rules that I find it hard to understand but mainly go along with if they don't affect me too much. For example at night we are only allowed lamps rather than the main ceiling light. If he is driving he gets to choose what we listen to. Which sounds reasonable until I say I only passed my driving test 8 months ago and we've been together for 15 years! Last night I really became angry about one of his rules. If he is is the bathroom he MUST NOT be disturbed. I woke up last night and desperately needed the loo. I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom and knocked on the door and asked to use the loo. No answer. I knocked again and told him I was desperate. He answered 'just a minute.' One minute later he was still brushing and I had to rush down nearly 3 flights of stairs to use the other loo. I didn't quite make it... on my return upstairs he was trying to instigate sex and I was just incredulous explaining that I had just wet myself because he didn't let me pop into the bathroom and now he was expecting me to feel intimately towards him. He didn't understand and just said "well you know I can't stand being disturbed when I'm in the bathroom and you do it all the time". This is really not true. Probably once a month at the most. He thinks he was being perfectly reasonable and that from now on I'll go all the way downstairs immediately as I know he doesn't want to be disturbed. I think he is being a selfish prick and that he could have stepped outside to brush his teeth for the 20 seconds it would have taken me to pee. I am worried that all the concessions I make for his minor demands has fed into this massive entitled feeling he has regarding his likes and dislikes. AIBU and should I just head downstairs next time even though there is a chance I won't make it in time again?

I think the difference here is really that without having ASD no amount of experience can really let you know what it is like.
Exactly. To you it's no big deal because it wouldn't bother YOU. But I get what it's like because I have ASD. It's the being expected to change yourself 24 hours a day just to fit in with the NT world. I don't think NT people realise just how draining it is to have to change yourself so much all the time just to cope with life. It may sound controlling behaviour to most of you but look at it from our point of view - your NT world is controlling us constantly.
He's not expecting you to avoid the bathroom all the time, just when he's in it. But you're not doing that. Granted you can't plan when you're going to wake up & need the loo but you can make compromises just as he has to do most of the time in everyday life, with you and with the rest of the world - when he wants to use the bathroom he can warn you in advance so you get in first to use the loo, but equally you don't drink gallons before bed and if you know he's going to be in there for more than a minute when you're awake you ask yourself first whether you should nip in before just in case.

He just sounds awful full stop

Nike puts things in a far more articulate way than I, and I find it really depressing that after such well written, enlightening posts a comment like the one above appears. My 3 kids have ASD, I have it and the thought that they have to face attitudes like this daily makes my heart hurt.

Me and DP do not go in the bathroom when the the person is in there.

You had another toilet, why didn't you just go to that instead of disturbing him when you know he hates it? Most people can wait a few mins for the loo so he wasn't to know you were going to wet yourself.

Also, driver DOES choose the music and overhead lights on at night are too bright.

Hipster Hunter I think the 'why didn't you go downstairs?' question has been answered severest times already in the thread.

What is too bright for some people is too dim for others and I always accommodate his comfort levels rather than my own in this area. Driver chooses is fair enough but do you really think 14 years of never having even one song choice is fair?

*several

Driver chooses is fair enough but do you really think 14 years of never having even one song choice is fair?
Do you think 14 years of always being the driver is fair? He had no choice in that so you got no choice in the music.

And too bright is painful, too dim is annoying at best - it doesn't hurt. Big difference which I'd hope that you'd realise, you being a professional working with people similar to your DH...

Too dim gives me migraines if I'm trying to watch TV, read or see things clearly.

Such a lack of sympathy for the OP. OP you sound incredibly patient and your husband at risk of turning into a bully.

Why did he have no choice in being the driver Nike? We take taxis and public transport too.

No. It is not fair. And I would wager that nobody who says it is fair has ever been the one on the receiving end of having to swallow their own wishes, wants and needs, to allow someone else to 'get their way' ALL the time.

I cannot BEAR dim lighting, unless I'm not doing anything. If I am sitting watching TV then it's ok but I can't 'do' things in dim lighting. I cannot sew or crochet. I can't work. Even the thought of it is making me feel anxious. I can't see what I'm doing well enough and it gives me eye strain and makes me feel a bit sickish. I will tolerate the dim lights depending on what the context is but if I want to do something and need the light I will go elsewhere or if in my house I will say actually the light is going on because I can't see.

I can't see any situation where the bathroom thing is ok tbh. It is not acceptable to humiliate your partner by making them wet themselves or leave the house to use a toilet just because 'rules must be obeyed'. If you have a condition where you just can't get past that, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Although as the OP's DH hasn't actually got a diagnosis of ASD, what would be the opinion if the OP wasn't a HCP with that knowledge? Then he would just be a man who was content to let his wife wet herself as punishment for interrupting him in an emergency... it's only by chance he's ended up with someone who appreciates his 'foibles' might be part of a bigger picture and is accommodating.

OP does he accept that his way is unusual or does he think it is usual and right to live in this way?

Also, too dim IS painful. I understand the noisy siren thing too!

My OH finds mess very very stressful, I find his constant wiping and tidying while cooking stressful but he finds the whole thing worse so I let him get on with it because I know how agitated it makes him when there's mess in places. Similarly he lets me not vacuum my house every day even though I know it stresses him out, because he loves me and knows I don't have the time, inclination, or energy reserves to do it every day when sometimes I get home from work and can barely move due to my joint problems.

It's shit shit shit. Everyone has quirks, when you have a condition that is the cause of them it is a million times worse as you feel things more acutely and the world doesn't take them into account. But the bottom line is, if you want to live in society with other people in a functioning relationship, both parties have to adapt.

What if it had been a sick child at the bathroom door? A DC with diarrhoea or vomiting? Or who just needed a wee?

Why did he have no choice in being the driver Nike? We take taxis and public transport too.
OP either the music thing is a big deal (which means that he must be driving a lot for him to be picking so much) or he rarely has to drive in which case why are you complaining about him picking the music? You can't have it both ways (no matter how hard you try).
(Wish I could go live on a planet inhabited only by fellow autists and understanding NTs)

you wouldn't say to someone who was deaf "oh well you just need to listen harder because I'm sick of having to sign to you, or who was blind "well you'll just have to cope with me leaving things in the wrong place for you to fall over.

On the other hand you might say to someone with a hearing impairment, 'Do you think it would help our communication, if you got a hearing aid? Or someone with a visual impairment, that they might want to try large print books with a magnifying glass?

I think the bottom line is that in a relationship between two different people with very different needs, both people have to try and adapt. In good healthy relationships both people do try. In unhealthy relationships one person says, 'You will have to do it my way.'

It is not acceptable to humiliate your partner by making them wet themselves or leave the house to use a toilet just because 'rules must be obeyed'. If you have a condition where you just can't get past that, you shouldn't be in a relationship.
Oh ffs, DH wasn't humiliating OP, he was using the bathroom while she was asleep and she suddenly woke up and had to wee so urgently that she couldn't wait the 2 minutes it would have taken him to finish brushing his teeth. And according to OP (though the story does seem to vary according to what she's trying to complain about) this isn't a regular problem so he had no way of knowing that her urgent need was actually so urgent that she couldn't hold it in for less than 2 mins.
Personally I'm not convinced that half the posters on Mumsnet should be in relationships.

Omg what a load of bollocks some of the other posters have come out with. Your husband sounds like an ass! He should have let you use the toilet and shouldn't be such a dick about 'rules' you are not a child and he shouldn't treat you as such. I'm all for the driver of a car being in control of volume or if you have anything on at all but surely letting someone listen to something they like is not too much of a hardship.

Nike I fear we're fighting a losing battle here. It's reverted to the standard man/bad woman/perfect NT/"normal" ASD/arsehole which sadly seems to be the prevalent attitude on here.

Notreallyarsed I think you're right. I'm walking away. They're just not worth it.

Aye me too, my brain is fried. Hopefully catch you on a less depressing thread!

Op has there ever been a situation where your DD needed the loo and your DH was using it?

I've given up reading the whole thread because the ignorance is astounding.

Of course OP may wake up needing a wee urgently enough that three flights of stairs is too much. This shouldn't mean she needs to change her diet plan, or that she has continence issues. This is in the normal realm, and her GP agrees.

Accusing her of randomly diagnosing her DH because she disagrees with him sometimes is ridiculous. She shouldn't need to demonstrate her credentials for us to accept that she thinks he is on the spectrum.

I think people are not getting the reality of living with someone with very rigid expectations. It isn't intentionally abusive, as it is part of the person's disability, but it is very wearing and potentially harmful. Eventually your own sense of self gets ground down.

Notreally and Nike, I'm sorry you feel that way. You have helped me to understand things better. Thank you! But I do feel a bit depressed that all the concessions and effort I make in my life with my DH seem to mean nothing to you. I hope that they mean more to him and he appreciates them. It sounds as if you have some compromises in your relationships while I have very few in mine. It has really helped to know that some of the things we have as rules are actually far more common in other people's lives. However I can't believe that for everyone else it is a total absolute.

I suppose it hurts that I do so much for his comfort and happiness and will never alter one of these for mine. He will for our daughter or for his parents but not for me. As I said in my original OP it could be because I am too considerate and accommodating rather than the selfish person some PPs seem to see me as.

And before anyone asks me if I want a medal - actually yes I do. Then at least I'd know that somebody notices and appreciates my efforts.

Agnes it is not a problem if DD disturbs him in the bathroom and he has made her a few CDs and playlists for the car. Still his choice which to play but her favourite songs.