Bathroom Rules

[CircleofWillis]

My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and I have suspected for years that my DH is also on the spectrum. He has rules that I find it hard to understand but mainly go along with if they don't affect me too much. For example at night we are only allowed lamps rather than the main ceiling light. If he is driving he gets to choose what we listen to. Which sounds reasonable until I say I only passed my driving test 8 months ago and we've been together for 15 years! Last night I really became angry about one of his rules. If he is is the bathroom he MUST NOT be disturbed. I woke up last night and desperately needed the loo. I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom and knocked on the door and asked to use the loo. No answer. I knocked again and told him I was desperate. He answered 'just a minute.' One minute later he was still brushing and I had to rush down nearly 3 flights of stairs to use the other loo. I didn't quite make it... on my return upstairs he was trying to instigate sex and I was just incredulous explaining that I had just wet myself because he didn't let me pop into the bathroom and now he was expecting me to feel intimately towards him. He didn't understand and just said "well you know I can't stand being disturbed when I'm in the bathroom and you do it all the time". This is really not true. Probably once a month at the most. He thinks he was being perfectly reasonable and that from now on I'll go all the way downstairs immediately as I know he doesn't want to be disturbed. I think he is being a selfish prick and that he could have stepped outside to brush his teeth for the 20 seconds it would have taken me to pee. I am worried that all the concessions I make for his minor demands has fed into this massive entitled feeling he has regarding his likes and dislikes. AIBU and should I just head downstairs next time even though there is a chance I won't make it in time again?

Well that's what they call a drip feed.

He sounds really selfish.

Not letting you pop to the loo is just pathetic.

Lamps. Argh! Unless you have loads on its never bright enough. Let me guess, there's one and he sits right by it.

Music in the car, I agree with him. Driver is DJ.

MeanAger not that much of a dripped. I already said in my OP that I had to go down 3 flights of stairs just didn't mention I had to leave the flat.

*dripfeed

He's not at all reasonable. Get a bucket and leave it by the bathroom door to use if the prick won't let you in to wee.

The number of people who think it perfectly normal to be so protective of bathroom time has been a revelation to me. I grew up in a big family with only one toilet in the bathroom and am used to having to be considerate of people waiting. I think it is as a pp said we are just not compatible bathroom wise.

OP there is a huge difference between going down flights of stairs to use another toilet in your home and using a communal one.

Also it seems like your missing out a lot of information so I think it's quite impossible to determine if YABU or not.

If is was just the points raised in your op they are quite standard things

I think he's unreasonable! Not ever letting your partner chose music in your car in 15 years is a touch dictatorial! Not every time, but surely sometimes?!

I'm assuming he knows your issue with wee at night so I think it's cruel he a) made you wait and b) expected you to use another loo quite far away. And the fact it's outside the flat is outrageous.

Light thing is just a difference of opinion, can see both sides.

If he knows that you have a problem in the wee department then it is incredibly selfish of him not to accommodate that, given that you actually have to leave the flat. Most people would be rushing out the second you say you need to go, just to be helpful.

The lamp and CD is understandable want, however why does his wish always trump yours?

He sounds like a complete selfish prick. I understand the lights at night. I do not understand the bathroom, this must change as you have incontinence issues. If he doesn't like to be disturbed, I suggest he goes to the communal loos himself. He needs to be sat down and told what is and isn't acceptable in your household and the car from now on. What changes do you want to make? Can you make a list?

I cannot imagine living with somebody who would rather I wet myself than hurry up brushing their teeth. (Toothbrushing can be done in another room.)

I also cannot imagine living with somebody who felt it was appropriate to initiate sex after they'd contributed to an episode of incontinence.

Having said that I do realise that people who aren't neurotypical just don't get other people's needs and feelings unless they are explained very clearly. They may be well-intentioned despite behaviour that a partner might find exceptionally trying.

I suppose the question is whether you feel he cares for you and tries - in his way - to make you happy.

I don't understand why he couldn't have let you in the toilet. Sounds selfish. I do most of the driving and pick the radio station but if my partner wants to change it he does. YNBU

Having to leave the flat makes a difference, because most people would need to throw on some clothes or a dressing gown and no one likes accidentally bumping into non-relatives at that time of night when they're not wearing 'proper' clothes.

I think you're unreasonable to demand entry into a bathroom when someone is already in it (unless they've been holed up there for hours), but I do think not being able to hold on a few minutes suggests you either have a medical problem or you are downing 3 gallons of water before going to bed. Either you need to adjust your liquid intake before bed time or, if it is in fact normal, go back to the GP and don't let yourself get fobbed off.

Stickthatinyourpipe. I am a HCP working in a field that is part of the diagnostic team for ASD. I am not being casual about my suspicion that DH is on the autistic spectrum. It is not the individual rules themselves that are difficult for me but the absolute rigidity of sticking them come what may. He has NO flexibility around these rules.
I'm not sure what other information you need. We are generally not in a good place at the moment - 50% bad days but are going to start counselling soon.

It really is useful getting a different perspective on things. Hopefully this will help with my feelings of resentment at what I see as selfish and controlling behaviour on his part.

I would be rightly marked too if someone banged the door when there is another bog in the house and I never put the ceiling light on either, Yabu

*narked

BTW I do drink a lot. Over 3 litres of water a day as part of a diet and health plan which I suppose is why doctor is not worried at the moment.

Sounds selfish and controlling to me. When you said you had to go down three flights of stairs, I thought you meant in your house. If you actually had to leave you flat in the middle of the night AND he knows about your continence issues that is ridiculous. Add in all the other things and he sounds very difficult to live with.

What??! So all of you won't enter the bathroom if your DH/DP is brushing their teeth? Hmm why are there so many double basins then if according to you people should be enjoying exclusive access if the bathroom?
I mean, if someone is brushing their teeths / flossing / brushing hairs etc then it is common courtesy to step outside for 30sec to let the person you love and share a house with pee, isn't it?

OP the additional information I am referring to is what other posters have provided which o am assuming are from other posts you have written.

It does seem now that people use the phrase 'on the spectrum' for all sorts of behaviours, how am I supposed to know you work in that field? You equally did not produce any further information in your op other than he is particular about how certain things are done all of which seemed very reasonable in the context of which you had written in your OP.

I don't follow people on here like they are celebrities and can't remember each previous post they have written before so please forgive my ignorance of not taking previous posts into account when answering your original questions

I can't believe the first few replies no one likes to be disturbed in the bathroom but when you have to go you have to go. It's not as if he was mid-shit, he was brushing his teeth ffs, he should have just stepped out for a minute, anyone in my family would, and they can be selfish fuckers. Just the fact that you have to adhere to his rules is weird, we usually have lamps on at night, but if one of us is reading the main light goes on. It's your home too, you should be able to do whatever the hell you want. What would he do if you 'disobeyed' one of his rules op? Yanbu btw.

And I say that as someone who thinks bathroom time = alone time, and who likes a softer light in the evening.

But on top of that if what other posters are saying is correct, I think you do need some help I'm not generally on for the LTB stuff but if he is controlling you and your finances maybe you should look into your options and on that basis I don't think YABU