Bathroom Rules

[CircleofWillis]

My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and I have suspected for years that my DH is also on the spectrum. He has rules that I find it hard to understand but mainly go along with if they don't affect me too much. For example at night we are only allowed lamps rather than the main ceiling light. If he is driving he gets to choose what we listen to. Which sounds reasonable until I say I only passed my driving test 8 months ago and we've been together for 15 years! Last night I really became angry about one of his rules. If he is is the bathroom he MUST NOT be disturbed. I woke up last night and desperately needed the loo. I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom and knocked on the door and asked to use the loo. No answer. I knocked again and told him I was desperate. He answered 'just a minute.' One minute later he was still brushing and I had to rush down nearly 3 flights of stairs to use the other loo. I didn't quite make it... on my return upstairs he was trying to instigate sex and I was just incredulous explaining that I had just wet myself because he didn't let me pop into the bathroom and now he was expecting me to feel intimately towards him. He didn't understand and just said "well you know I can't stand being disturbed when I'm in the bathroom and you do it all the time". This is really not true. Probably once a month at the most. He thinks he was being perfectly reasonable and that from now on I'll go all the way downstairs immediately as I know he doesn't want to be disturbed. I think he is being a selfish prick and that he could have stepped outside to brush his teeth for the 20 seconds it would have taken me to pee. I am worried that all the concessions I make for his minor demands has fed into this massive entitled feeling he has regarding his likes and dislikes. AIBU and should I just head downstairs next time even though there is a chance I won't make it in time again?

OP
Did you ask for one of your posts to be taken down? You posted about an hour ago, saying you believed in your vows and would never leave him.

I posted in reply and both posts have disappeared.

What I DID say was you might want to be a martyr and live with your 'vows' but I can't see any evidence of him loving and cherishing you.

I am sick and tired of the posts from posters who say they are on the spectrum. Their replies in his defence don't show understanding of the conditions (I worked with teens and adults with Aspergers) they are just an excuse for behaving badly. People with ASD can change their behaviour.

Polly it wasn't me perhaps on another thread? I do believe in working hard on a marriage "like a garden blah blah blah" but I know that at a certain point you have to do what is best for all parties especially when children are involved. We have definitely NOT even come close to that point yet for me.

I am sick and tired of the posts from posters who say they are on the spectrum. Their replies in his defence don't show understanding of the conditions (I worked with teens and adults with Aspergers) they are just an excuse for behaving badly. People with ASD can change their behaviour.
Would you like to see my letter of diagnosis? How dare you suggest that those of us who say we're on the spectrum a, are lying and b, don't understand it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have to change our behaviour every fucking day to fit in with your world and yet if we dare to try and make our lives a little bit easier at home we're told we're unreasonable and demanding.
I'm sick and tired of all the posters who come on here claiming they work with people on the spectrum. No wonder there are so many mothers posting that they get so little support for their kids if they have to encounter people like you. And the higher rate of suicide amongst autistic people - not a great surprise is it?

Nike maybe you ought to step away from this thread. Why bother to continue to post when all your posts do is show anger and misunderstanding? No one said you were lying so please stop inventing scenarios that don't exist.

Why would anyone want to see your assessment? You are not important to this thread, despite what you think.

You seem to forget what the S is in ASD- it's a spectrum. it varies. But whatever end people are on, it doesn't mean their behaviour and responses are fixed.

maybe walk away because this is clearly upsetting you and you are also talking down to professionals who actually do know something about the condition.

Sorry circle bit off but maybe I did venture onto another thread....

I know I've asked before but would you and your DH consider counselling with someone who is an expert in ASD/ relationships? Or at least be assessed? I know of a couple who did this in later life. GP was first step for an assessment though you can do it yourself through the BPS.

maybe walk away because this is clearly upsetting you and you are also talking down to professionals who actually do know something about the condition.
And you're talking down to people who HAVE the condition and live with it EVERY minute of EVERY day. I don't know how you dare even post your comments.

So OP your DH can be flexible but choosing not to be with you.

Has he ever said why he makes concessions for your child and not for you?

Actually Polly I really want to hear Nike's point of view as it has been helping me see my DH in a different light. I thought I understand about sensory differences but find the emotional differences harder to understand. I can't talk to my DH about it at the moment as I don't think he understands himself yet and would not be able to articulate this. I think a diagnosis as well as councelling for us both would be our first steps.

Nike can I suggest you stop digging? People in glass houses etc.
All you are doing is confirming people's 'misunderstandings' by showing your rudeness and anger. If you were less angry you might achieve a bit more. Or is that outside of your control?

The husband is not diagnosed with ASD. Even if he was, people with autism are very much able to learn to consider others and their needs - dependent on the degree of impact of course. OP's husband is capable of doing so and apparently shows more consideration to the DD. He just has no regard at all for the OP or her needs. I would never let any human being piss themselves because I was brushing my teeth and didn't want to be disturbed. It's despicable behaviour. I suspect that your position that you are nowhere near to considering leaving is what is giving your H the green light to continue behaving like a selfish, uncaring pig.

Kitty, I think it is more that in my professional life I would not impose unwelcome change on a person unless in a dire situation and am not able to do this in my home life either. I did force a change in his behaviour when holding my daughter's hand outside after she almost went under a police car and my BIL forced a change in behaviour when I was in hospital for an emergency c-section. Otherwise I am not one to impose my will or way on another person.

Circle a diagnosis and counselling for both of you sounds like a really positive step. It will help both of you to understand things from both your points of view and also find compromise which both of you can cope with. I think Nike has made some really valid points in the face of quite frankly fucking offensive responses, and I'm glad that you are taking them on board. Its not easy to understand ASD traits, my dad wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult, I wasn't diagnosed until I went through the process with DS2 (the second time I'd been through the diagnosis process) and now DD is being assessed. I still don't understand everything about it, but I do understand that accepting and trying to understand is a positive thing, for both halves of a couple. It sounds like you and your DH can get to that point and I wish you both well.

Thank you Nottreally. I think we can too.

I don't know about the OP but I'd feel very uncomfortable about having to leave my own flat and go off to a communal loo in the middle of the night when I was bursting.

If that is what she does feel, do her feelings of discomfort not matter too?

I do understand that having to interrupt his tooth-brushing may cause the dh severe discomfort and I have sympathy for that. If it was a case of high discomfort for him/negligible to moderate discomfort for her, then I'd have no hesitation in saying that she should give way.

But what if it's high discomfort v. other high discomfort? It is tricky and I think it's only fair to the OP to recognise that.

sorry, see I have done some serious cross-posting here and conversation has moved on to a much more positive and constructive place

please ignore

circle have you contacted any agencies which work for people with autism to ask for advice? It might help you to understand things better and to process things in your own time. Sensory issues can seem very strange to NT people, and yet are a source of great anxiety and pain to the person trying to cope with them. For me it's smells rather than lights, for DS1 it's certain noises especially very loud ones, for DD it's too many people and for DS2 it's personal space invasion. It is a very broad spectrum, and can be bloody difficult to navigate, even for people who have ASD (I'm still learning daily despite living with it as a person, a mum and a daughter for over 30 years).
Basically what I'm trying to say is actually you and your DH sound solid, and with a bit of give and take from both of you (which he's proven he can do) and a better understanding of ASD I reckon you'll be grand.

I think you're feeling hurt because you haven't really accepted that he wasn't thinking of you. By that, I mean that if he was truly thinking in that ASD 'fixed train of thought' way, you would (academically) understand it, you'd 'get it'. But he's your DH, he loves you and you love him, so you're not, deep down, thinking rationally and accepting that he wasn't being an arse and didn't deliberately intend to made you wet yourself. It's better for you to think that he was being unkind.

My DH is similar in many ways to your DH. Not in the same areas, but completely entrenched behaviour and totally fixed thought patterns. It takes complete patience and dogged determination to walk through the steps of gentle persuasion to make the tiniest change in behaviour. He's utterly flabbergasted when he realises that I hold a different viewpoint to him on the subject of something as simple as the value of BBQs as an evening meal, for example.

I'm sure that you'll be able to reach a better place, especially with your professional background, if you can accept that he didn't intend to hurt you. But I don't think that you need to make all the changes. I certainly don't, even though it would make life 1000 times easier in the short term ifI did.

Notreally I am one of those people other people go to for help. I just can't do it for myself.

Yeah I get it, I'm one of those people too. Asking for help was a lightbulb moment in so many ways. I was forced into it though because it was my child who needed me to do it iyswim, it was just me and DS1 at the time and I had to, for his sake. Now 9 years down the line it's second nature.

OP from what you have said, you are either some kind of coach (life coach?) Or a counsellor. You need to separate how you behave in your professional life and what you need to do in your own life.
If you are working in what I think you are, you empower clients to make changes outside their comfort zone. Yes? So maybe use the same strategies on your life too? Maybe you could consult the same type of professional as you are, for help? I'm sure you know the saying if you keep doing the same thing you get the same results :)

Hi Pollly, no nothing so exciting. The organisation I works for uses a SCERTS approach in NHS and academic settings. I do not just work with people with ASD.