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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bathroom Rules

221 replies

CircleofWillis · 09/07/2017 11:11

My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and I have suspected for years that my DH is also on the spectrum. He has rules that I find it hard to understand but mainly go along with if they don't affect me too much. For example at night we are only allowed lamps rather than the main ceiling light. If he is driving he gets to choose what we listen to. Which sounds reasonable until I say I only passed my driving test 8 months ago and we've been together for 15 years! Last night I really became angry about one of his rules. If he is is the bathroom he MUST NOT be disturbed. I woke up last night and desperately needed the loo. I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom and knocked on the door and asked to use the loo. No answer. I knocked again and told him I was desperate. He answered 'just a minute.' One minute later he was still brushing and I had to rush down nearly 3 flights of stairs to use the other loo. I didn't quite make it... on my return upstairs he was trying to instigate sex and I was just incredulous explaining that I had just wet myself because he didn't let me pop into the bathroom and now he was expecting me to feel intimately towards him. He didn't understand and just said "well you know I can't stand being disturbed when I'm in the bathroom and you do it all the time". This is really not true. Probably once a month at the most. He thinks he was being perfectly reasonable and that from now on I'll go all the way downstairs immediately as I know he doesn't want to be disturbed. I think he is being a selfish prick and that he could have stepped outside to brush his teeth for the 20 seconds it would have taken me to pee. I am worried that all the concessions I make for his minor demands has fed into this massive entitled feeling he has regarding his likes and dislikes. AIBU and should I just head downstairs next time even though there is a chance I won't make it in time again?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 09/07/2017 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dottycat123 · 09/07/2017 17:14

I would consider my dh selfish if he wouldn't let me in to the bathroom if I was desperate to go and he was only cleaning his teeth. I don't think it would occur to either my dh or dc not to let a family member in in this situation. I don't think you are B U.

SeaWitchly · 09/07/2017 17:16

I honestly can't believe the responses of some of the posters on this thread Shock

OP, your DH sounds rigid and unreasonable.

So what if he believes it's his right to always choose the music when he's driving or demand that only lamps are used at night or that he mustn't be disturbed when he is in the bathroom? He lives with other people who feel differently about these things and why should his views and desires always trump his partner?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 17:23

You work with autistic people. Can't you use some of your expertise to reason with him?

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 09/07/2017 17:23

Pen I didn't know that toothbrushing was one of the things that must not be disturbed. In my head I have rationalised that he probably meditates and reflects when showering and bathing and wants peace while carrying out private and personal acts. As we both keep the door ajar when brushing teeth (not quite closed but not shut) I didn't think is was on the list of protected bathroom activities.
I go along with so many of his rules. He doesn't compromise and ignores most of my preferences. I can't even read in bed as page turning is too noisy and my kindle is too bright. Don't even get me started on TV viewing.

OP posts:
NannyRed · 09/07/2017 17:27

My ex would come and take a dump whilst I was brushing my teeth, now that is unreasonable. Let him have his privacy.

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 09/07/2017 17:29

Mummy of little dragon. One thing thing that works sometimes is reframing the situation to a situation that resonates for him. He is not always receptive and finds it patronising.

Otherwise we seem to get into a row and in the subsequent emotion of making up agree on a way forward. Not my ideal way of resolving things.

OP posts:
Miffer · 09/07/2017 17:35

I have to ask, are there no other couples that would just have a wee while the other brushed their teeth in the same room?

Am I really that out of the norm?!

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 09/07/2017 17:37

Miffer my family were like this growing up - so I do find it bemusing.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 09/07/2017 17:41

Nike, I think it is a bit strong calling me a selfish prick for asking to use to loo
With all due respect OP it was YOU who called HIM 'a selfish prick' for not wanting to interrupt what he'd already started just because you needed the loo, and despite knowing how much he hates to be disturbed in the bathroom. I was merely turning your insult round.... If you can't take it, don't dish it out in the first place.

Imamouseduh · 09/07/2017 17:42

WTF there are some strange eggs on mumsnet - I can't believe the responses saying your husband isn't unreasonable. He wouldn't allow you to do a wee while he's brushing his teeth? He wouldn't even have needed to step outside, you are married FFS! He's going to see worse things than you doing a wee before you both pop your clogs.

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 09/07/2017 17:45

But that's the point I do think he was being a selfish prick for not letting me pop in when I was desperate. I would never deliberately allow him to suffer if I could help it.
You could argue that I made him suffer by disturbing him but I didn't do it on purpose - he did - hence my name calling.

OP posts:
Original poster
CircleofWillis · 09/07/2017 17:46

And he could just have said 'Go downstairs'.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 09/07/2017 17:47

Has your DP had a diagnosis? If not he needs one as well as counselling . this kind of behaviour goes way beyond people's little 'quirks' or ''funny ways'.
I have to say that Mumsnet shows just how completely ignorant and thoughtless some neurotypical people can be. He needs counselling?! No, he needs a partner who can appreciate that if he says he likes to be left alone in the bathroom then that means all the time and not just when it suits her. And to think that OP apparently hassomething to do workwise with people with ASD Shock

MagdalenNoName · 09/07/2017 17:52

There is this thing called 'give and take.'

Most people realise that adults find it humiliating to piss themselves.

Even if they have a preference for privacy and some time alone, they would feel that their partner should not feel the distress and inconvenience of losing control of their bladder.

What some people see as neurotypical selfishness others will see as having the ability to behave like a decent human being, even if in an ideal world you could have your own way and keep to your own routines all the time.

Original poster
CircleofWillis · 09/07/2017 17:54

Nike I do not 'work' with my husband. If he were one of my clients I would encourage him to show more flexibility and to compromise on aspects of his daily life. This would probably help his social and his work life. Our relationship prevents me from being an effective, objective support for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
CircleofWillis · 09/07/2017 17:58

In my work I don't impose change on people. I help them to decide on their own goals and the methods of working towards them. I wouldn't use this to shape him into what I want him to be. I would rather have a third objective person to work with us both to come up with common goals and a common plan.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 09/07/2017 18:00

You will need a lot of luck with that. I'm pretty sure you know that whatever symptoms he does or doesn't have, he is basically a selfish and controlling dickhead.

Banalarama · 09/07/2017 18:06

Well I would consider him unreasonable and selfish. I wouldn't be able to bear living with rules like that.

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2017 18:07

I don't think there is any one correct answer here other than you have both got a fairly fucked up dynamic going on in that home and kids are involved. None of it is normal.

It sounds like your husband is unable to function normally, he cannot hold down a paid job and he has rigid routines, his family have financially provided for him due to his inabilities. You live with him, you know all this. You know why he behaves as he does as he has mental health issues and yet you're still on line calling him a selfish prick.

You clearly also have wider inconcintinence issues than you're willing to admit, why did you see a doctor about it if this was a one off. It's fine not to want to admit it, but why are you putting yourself in this position where you're wetting yourself st night if you can't immediately use the loo. What if he'd been having a shit? What if your kid was? You'd still have had the same issue, you'd have wet yourself and yet it's taken this thread for you to say you'll drink your water earlier.

Honestly. It's a really fucked up dynamic.

TheRattleBag · 09/07/2017 18:08

You'd really leave your home for a wee in the middle of the night just to pander to his dictatorial rules?

Bugger that.

Does he lock the door? If not I'd be going in and having a wee anyway, rules or not.

But maybe I just have no shame, 'cos I regularly use the loo for a week when DP is in the shower. Or bath!

TheRattleBag · 09/07/2017 18:17

Oops, not a week, a wee!! Blush

MagicMoneyTree · 09/07/2017 18:19

My DH started waltzing into the bathroom to have a wee while I was brushing my teeth. It gave me the absolute rage. First time I let it go, but when I realised he was making a habit of it I flipped had to put a stop to it. It's fucking horrible. We have another toilet too. There's really no excuse. Get in the bathroom first if you're that desperate or go downstairs.

SarahJane123 · 09/07/2017 18:19

I think you're right that he could have stepped out to brush his teeth. He just sounds unbelievably selfish to me.

MagicMoneyTree · 09/07/2017 18:20

Oh and I wouldn't care if he did it while I was showering or in the bath. It's the brushing teeth bit that really bothered me!

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