Bathroom Rules

[CircleofWillis]

My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and I have suspected for years that my DH is also on the spectrum. He has rules that I find it hard to understand but mainly go along with if they don't affect me too much. For example at night we are only allowed lamps rather than the main ceiling light. If he is driving he gets to choose what we listen to. Which sounds reasonable until I say I only passed my driving test 8 months ago and we've been together for 15 years! Last night I really became angry about one of his rules. If he is is the bathroom he MUST NOT be disturbed. I woke up last night and desperately needed the loo. I could hear him brushing his teeth in the bathroom and knocked on the door and asked to use the loo. No answer. I knocked again and told him I was desperate. He answered 'just a minute.' One minute later he was still brushing and I had to rush down nearly 3 flights of stairs to use the other loo. I didn't quite make it... on my return upstairs he was trying to instigate sex and I was just incredulous explaining that I had just wet myself because he didn't let me pop into the bathroom and now he was expecting me to feel intimately towards him. He didn't understand and just said "well you know I can't stand being disturbed when I'm in the bathroom and you do it all the time". This is really not true. Probably once a month at the most. He thinks he was being perfectly reasonable and that from now on I'll go all the way downstairs immediately as I know he doesn't want to be disturbed. I think he is being a selfish prick and that he could have stepped outside to brush his teeth for the 20 seconds it would have taken me to pee. I am worried that all the concessions I make for his minor demands has fed into this massive entitled feeling he has regarding his likes and dislikes. AIBU and should I just head downstairs next time even though there is a chance I won't make it in time again?

Re the light, it is one thing to say you hate ceiling lights, but if there are two people living together one doesn't get to decide for both! So no, OP should be allowed to turn ln the light in her house if she wants to, maybe her/her DP can choose every other night for ex.
The music in the car, fair enough, but for the rest YANBU OP

Wow massive drip feed, big difference between using a toilet 3 floors down and actually having to leave your home to use the toilet.

He is unreasonable for not letting you in to use the toilet. Everything else seems quite normal.

Try to drink your water during the day and not in the evening.

But you can only pee in a toilet.

You can brush your teeth outside the bathroom for a minute, even if you don't want to share.

He sounds like an arse.

Op, it changes it totally you need to leave the flat, your op read like you just had to pop downstairs to your second loo. Of course he should let you use, but I'm not sure what sort of diet your on but your doc sounds right, some self help is required here, if you need to drink that volume of water make sure it's Predominantly consumed before about three hours before bed.

The number of people who think it perfectly normal to be so protective of bathroom time has been a revelation to me.

Me too, I would have just gone in and had a wee while DH was brushing his teeth.

Stickthatinyourpipe yes I have posted about him before. We have separate finances and both contribute approximately equally. However we no longer have a mortgage and all household expenses are covered by his trust fund and we have tenants so he is able to pursue a music career which doesn't bring in money. I work full time and pay for almost everything else and I was doing the majority of the cleaning, cooking etc and had the role of default parent. It has improved a bit since then and we are both working hard on our relationship.

It would drive me mad if my partner wanted to get in the bathroom when I was in it - I can't stand someone always hovering. Why don't you ask him to let you know when he's going in the bathroom so you can go in first if you need the toilet? That's a reasonable compromise. People should be able to brush their teeth in peace though.

Not sure that I get why brushing one's teeth absolutely has to be done in solitude.

It's not a smelly activity and doesn't involve exposing the genital area or squatting down.

I'm somebody who likes a fair amount of personal space - but if I had lengthy tooth-cleaning rituals and somebody else told me they had an urgent need to pee and it was night with the only other facilities some way off - basic consideration would dictate that I'd let them in.

Sorry, but I'd tell him to stop being such a twat. My DH rolls his eyes and thinks it's funny that I am sometimes desperate for the loo, but he wouldn't make me go down even the one flight of stairs to use the other loo, let alone 3. And after 14 years, I'd be wanting a bloody choice of music on the car, that's ridiculous.

I'm really taken aback by the amount of people who absolutely wouldn't allow someone to use the loo when brushing their teeth. I find that stupidly precious. If it were constant, I'd get annoyed, but once in a while is fine.

I don't understand this not sharing music choices in the car. DH and I used to share, now we have the DC it's mostly kids music that goes on. When I was little, we all got to have a say on what we listened to. Long journeys meant my parents made a couple of choices, and DB and I got a choice as well.
You're a couple you should get as much of a say about music and lighting as he does.
I don't like to be disturbed when I'm in the bathroom but I think he was being cruel to not let you in. You say you woke up and needed a wee, so it's not like you could have asked to go in before him. You were asleep!
Sorry op sounds hard work.

Harshbuttrue I hate hovering too and we both get lots - even too much space from each other as I work full time and he is out with his music 4 evenings a week. I don't have incontinence I just tend to wake up once a night to do a great big horse pee as I drink lots of water in the day. This is the first time I have had accident.

The last time I had to disturb him in the bathroom was over a month ago when he had the car keys from the night before and I had to go to work.

Are posters kidding?
You'd never let your partner choose the music in the car ever in 15 years?
You'd rather they wet themselves than pop out the bathroom?
Yes you might not like overhead lights but if your partner does?
Do you have no compromise is it only what you say goes? Are most people this rigid and selfish?

Fucking hell, the amount of people who called you U and that they don't like being disturbed in the bathroom .... FFS, her DH was not using the toilet, he was brushing his teeth! He could have quite easily opened the door and let the OP in when she said she was bursting to go. It is not an unreasonable request. I wouldn't dream of insisting of teeth brushing solitude while my other half was outside bursting to use the loo. He sounds like a selfish dick. And then asking to have sex with you after his dickish behaviour made you wet yourself? You need to start that counselling ASAP.

I think most people have a few 'no go' areas.

I really really hate bright overhead lights. They make me feel quite ill and jumpy. So my partner understands that and is okay about them going off if we're doing something like watching TV together.

But in most cases there is give and take.

So for example I don't terribly like the radio news but he does and if we're in the car and he wants to listen to the headlines, then we do.

It all balances up, and there's a kind of bargaining where there aren't too many 'rules' and no one person 'wins' all the time. The problem is when there are lots of rules with one person setting them, and the other person having to conform to them and no negotiating or flexibility at all.

That's dictatorship, not marriage.

YANBU.

If you need the loo and he is only brushing his teeth, it takes no effort to let you have a pee.

Giving someone a lift, then definitely it is your choice of music but in a family car, it is a discussion not a dictatorship.

I agree with you about the lights, I don't like living in dimness!

Pen it was partly the action of having to negotiate 3 flights of stair with a full bladder rather than just the time that caused the difficulty. Staying in one spot is far less risky. Also I didn't know that toothbrushing was on the list of protected activities in the bathroom.

Pengwwn
She was asleep..

It sounds as though you may have an overactive bladder. 3 litres of water is unnecessary.

There is a lot of misconception about how much water the body needs and humans are the only species, who specifically over drink instead of drinking to thirst. If you're doing intensive workouts daily, then perhaps you may need 3 litres. Drinking this much can lead to electrolyte imbalance. You only need to drink 6 about litres of water to kill yourself btw.

Try seriously reducing your water intake and given time, you may solve some of your problem with urinary urgency.

There are some right tossers on Mumsnet.

People who make the OP's partner seem like a beacon of sanity, kindness and reason.

Essentially if your partner and his lack of flexibility is making you unhappy and is resulting in you pissing yourself, then there will be plenty to work on in counselling.

Pen I was woken up by the pressure of a full bladder. If I had been awake beforehand the issue would not have arisen.

I am pretty sure I do not have incontinence issues. I have no infections but drink an awful lot of water and have been for 2 months now. I can trampoline, run etc with no issue () and do not have to rush to the loo in the day time. At night I am woken up by the pressure on my bladder which generally is exacerbated by the action of standing. I also generally have a great long horse pee at that time which is unusual with incontinence. I did not know my DH was home and in the bathroom until I got there are heard the electric toothbrush. This has not been a problem before when I needed to get up and I didn't realise that it would be a problem then as I thought using the loo and showering/bathing were the activities that someone would hate to have interrupted. I know better now as my DH is most certainly not the only one who feels this way. So in short I had no reason to think that my DH would object to me asking to pop in to pee while he brushed his teeth outside for 20 seconds.

But as he was already in there, and you know he doesn't like to be disturbed- then you should have gone downstairs to use the other loo before you got to the point of wetting yourself.
^^ This. And to be honest, even if he didn't have a thing about being disturbed I still can't see why you wouldn't go downstairs.
And it makes sense that the driver gets to pick the music.
I don't like the brightness of main lights. Perfectly natural. And if you're brushing your teeth or having a shower then being disturbed is a bloody nuisance.
There's only one person being a selfish prick and that's you.