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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go on this school trip....

210 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 13:48

My husband is a teacher and every year in Feb/March time he goes on a Ski Trip with the school for 8 days.

We have a DS and I'm currently pregnant so when he goes on the Ski Trip in 2018 our DS will be just under 4 and the baby will be 6 months old. I have no issues at all with him going on the Ski Trip.

After the Ski Trip he is home for about 10 days and then he and DS are going abroad together for a week which they do at least one half term a year.

In my mind I was mentally thinking that 9 days home alone with a 4 year old and a baby whilst DH goes skiing isn't exactly nice but at least I will get some time to recuperate when DH takes DS away for that week.

Anyway, two days ago DH came home from work and said there's another school trip abroad that he's going on which means he'll be gone for four days Hmm

I asked him when it was and he said it is two days after he's back from the Ski Trip!!! Shock Confused

So now he'll be skiing for 9 days whilst I'm at home on my own with the children, he will be back for two days (and working on those days) and then he will be leaving us all to go abroad again for another four days.

So in the space of 15 days I'm at home with the children on my own for 12 of them whilst he's abroad.

And then two days after he gets back he's then jetting off abroad again with DS for a holiday whilst I'm stuck at home on my own again.

I'm no longer seeing my week at home with just the baby as respite but more as a week of being home alone again to carry out childcare whilst DH is off again!

I will hardly see DH that month.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

It's not that I can't handle the children, of course I can, it will just be hard work and it seems so unfair that he can have all that time away from home/family life whilst I'm no doubt going to be stressed and tired at home.

I feel like telling him that it's not fair to leave us for 9 days, come home for two days and then just leave again for another four days....

I know it's his work but when do I get a break?!

He HAS to go on the Ski Trip so I get that, but this second trip isn't necessary, there are other teachers that could go, so would I be unreasonable to tell him I would rather he didn't go and instead spend some time at home and give me a bit of a break/rest from the children after 9 days of him already being away?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/06/2017 13:49

Of course you're not being unreasonable! Bloody hell, does he have a family or not?!

Syc4moreTrees · 26/06/2017 13:50

I don't think it would bother me, but you know how you feel, maybe tell him your concerns and see what he says?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/06/2017 13:51

I'd be unhappy. You can ask him not to but ultimately it's his job and not exactly a holiday.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 26/06/2017 13:52

Book yourself a break/holiday and tell him that he is in sole charge while you are away.

What's good for the goose...

HildaOg · 26/06/2017 13:52

Yanbu. If it's too much for you then it's too much.

Syc4moreTrees · 26/06/2017 13:53

It's not like he'll be having a mad fun time supervising a bunch of kids, and probably he'll get some extra pay that will be handy if you've just had a baby?

HipsterHunter · 26/06/2017 13:54

YANBU

Unless he propose to pay for a LOT of childcare respite whilst he is away.

Barbie222 · 26/06/2017 13:55

If he is already doing the ski trip, is the other trip out of necessity because no other staff can go, or does he just fancy it? I'd be the first to say that a school trip is no relaxing break, but ultimately it depends on whether he is escaping from you all for a bit, or just pulling his weight at school, as to how reasonable he is being here.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 13:55

it's his job and not exactly a holiday.

True but 9 days skiing in Italy followed by 4 days in Euro Disney sounds like more fun than being at home with the baby and DS 24/7.

He's been running the Ski Trip for about 10 years so I'm happy that just part of his job now and would never ask him not to do that.....but then going on a four day trip to Paris straight afterwards seems a bit of a liberty to me.....

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 26/06/2017 13:59

I think he is taking the piss a bit too.
Someone else can do Euro Disney if he is doing the ski trip. And when do you get a holiday?
I get very annoyed by men who have children and then just carry on as if they didn't!

Joinourclub · 26/06/2017 14:00

I'd not be happy. My dh wouldn't do it because after 9 days away he'd be missing us!

I very much doubt there will be any extra pay trees , that's not how teaching works! He might get a box of celebrations if he's lucky.

ScarlettFreestone · 26/06/2017 14:00

Personally I think Eurodisney with a bunch of school kids sounds like a nightmare of epic proportions.

AllChangeNat · 26/06/2017 14:02

Yanbu. I had no idea how hard I'd find having two children, DC2 is almost a year and I'm still very nervous about my husband going away. You may find having two a lot easier than I did (most my peers did), but I think you'd be wise to assume that at six months you'll still be finding your feet, still up at night with the baby and up early with your older child. You might need your OH more than you think, definitely ask him to choose one of the three trips and cancel the other two. Just this year, then once you're all more secure, sleeping more and well into a solid routine it'll be easier.

ImperialBlether · 26/06/2017 14:04

Personally I think Eurodisney with a bunch of school kids sounds like a nightmare of epic proportions.

The fact he's offering to go shows that he wouldn't agree, though.

plantsitter · 26/06/2017 14:05

Yeah Eurodisney sounds awful but that doesn't make it any easier/less depressing for the OP.

Can you go and stay with family while he's away? Or is there any chance of getting away on your own/with a friend the two days in between?

RedSkyAtNight · 26/06/2017 14:05

How much choice did he get over the Euro Disney trip? Is going on it something that is likely to make him regarded favourably at his school?

Essentially he's going to be away for work for 4 more days than you'd expected. Doesn't really seem a big deal. And I suggest you read the very recent thread about residential trips not being a barrel of laughs for the supervising teachers.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 14:10

And I suggest you read the very recent thread about residential trips not being a barrel of laughs for the supervising teachers.

I have read it.....and many that have come before it.

My DH has no problem saying that the skiiing trip is practically a holiday for the staff too. He said on the days they Ski (every day) the teachers don't even see the children as they're under the care of the Instructors and the staff can just go off and do their own thing. When he went last year he kept sending me beautiful photos of the snowy slopes whilst he sat drinking beers and I wanted to throw my phone at the wall Grin When the kids go to bed the staff go to the hotel bar......like I said, he's honest that ski trips are not particularly hard work apart from the actual journeys there and back.

My guess is he'll be going on the Euro trip for no other reason than he just wants to.

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 26/06/2017 14:10

That does sound like escaping from responsibilities, then!

arethereanyleftatall · 26/06/2017 14:11

For one of those weeks you cite, he is looking after one child whilst you look after the other. How is that a break for him, but not a break for you?

Hidingtonothing · 26/06/2017 14:12

For me it would be all about how he approached it, did he consider the impact on you before he agreed, does he acknowledge that it leaves you with a lot on your shoulders and is he offering any sort of respite for you before or after the trips to lighten your load? If he's not done any of those things and is making plans and decisions purely based on what he wants to do then yes, he's being selfish and unfair.

My DH works away quite a bit, he worries about the fact that it leaves me with all the work/responsibility at home and does his utmost to give me a break when he's back. I feel considered and that he tries his best to be fair and I think that's the key to it. If you don't feel considered then there's an imbalance and I don't think you WBU to ask him not to go on the second trip. How do you think he would react OP?

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 26/06/2017 14:12

What's good for the goose.. Er, you do realise that this is work and not personal holidays for the DH, Bewty?

The thought of looking after excited and excitable youngsters, being on duty 24/7 is hardly a relaxing holiday.

It wouldn't bother me, OP, (my DH and older DC went skiing leaving me with young baby and toddler a few years ago. I was glad to be shot of them and not have to cook/clean so much) but if it bothers you tell him.

unfortunateevents · 26/06/2017 14:13

I am surprised that school are allowing him to go on the second trip so soon after the first. What the heck about the classes he is supposed to be teaching? That's two weeks of cover in his classes which is not ideal. Also, why do only he and your 4 year old go abroad at half-term? Why are you not also going on this trip which presumably should be a family holiday?!

Dumbledoresgirl · 26/06/2017 14:13

Part of me feels like you don't know how lucky you are. Your husband must be at home for about 13 weeks of the year and there are many many parents out there coping with children alone on a much more frequent basis than you, who maybe get 5 weeks holiday a year.

I was one of those parents. My husband was away on a weekly basis, week in, week out, sometimes just overnight, sometimes for 3-4 nights, sometimes for 2 weeks, and I had 4 children aged 7 and under. He still works away from home - virtually every week between last August and February this year.

But, when my children were little, I HATED every second that my husband was away and was so miserable all the time, so I do understand how you feel. My husband had to go away for his work, it doesn't sound as though your husband has to do the second trip. I do not think you would be unreasonable asking him to back out of it and find another teacher willing to go.

Oh, and also, when he takes your ds away at half term, I recommend you do not spend the entire week at home with your baby. The baby will still be portable enough to travel. Can't you go and stay with friends or family, or even a cheap hotel somewhere yourself? That way, it won't feel as though he is having all the fun while you are staying at home childminding.

AvoidingCallenetics · 26/06/2017 14:16

Yes, I have to say that if he was my chold's teacher I'd be less than thrilled at him being on jollys instead of teaching. Unless trips are taking place in holiday time.

Somerville · 26/06/2017 14:17

Parents have a responsibility to balance their work travel with family life, and it doesn't sound like he's doing so at all.

It would be a big fat 'how dare you even suggest that' from me if DH suggested this. Are you not willing or allowed to say no?

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