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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go on this school trip....

210 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 13:48

My husband is a teacher and every year in Feb/March time he goes on a Ski Trip with the school for 8 days.

We have a DS and I'm currently pregnant so when he goes on the Ski Trip in 2018 our DS will be just under 4 and the baby will be 6 months old. I have no issues at all with him going on the Ski Trip.

After the Ski Trip he is home for about 10 days and then he and DS are going abroad together for a week which they do at least one half term a year.

In my mind I was mentally thinking that 9 days home alone with a 4 year old and a baby whilst DH goes skiing isn't exactly nice but at least I will get some time to recuperate when DH takes DS away for that week.

Anyway, two days ago DH came home from work and said there's another school trip abroad that he's going on which means he'll be gone for four days Hmm

I asked him when it was and he said it is two days after he's back from the Ski Trip!!! Shock Confused

So now he'll be skiing for 9 days whilst I'm at home on my own with the children, he will be back for two days (and working on those days) and then he will be leaving us all to go abroad again for another four days.

So in the space of 15 days I'm at home with the children on my own for 12 of them whilst he's abroad.

And then two days after he gets back he's then jetting off abroad again with DS for a holiday whilst I'm stuck at home on my own again.

I'm no longer seeing my week at home with just the baby as respite but more as a week of being home alone again to carry out childcare whilst DH is off again!

I will hardly see DH that month.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

It's not that I can't handle the children, of course I can, it will just be hard work and it seems so unfair that he can have all that time away from home/family life whilst I'm no doubt going to be stressed and tired at home.

I feel like telling him that it's not fair to leave us for 9 days, come home for two days and then just leave again for another four days....

I know it's his work but when do I get a break?!

He HAS to go on the Ski Trip so I get that, but this second trip isn't necessary, there are other teachers that could go, so would I be unreasonable to tell him I would rather he didn't go and instead spend some time at home and give me a bit of a break/rest from the children after 9 days of him already being away?

OP posts:
2littlemoos · 26/06/2017 20:24

I wouldnt like it.

Who knows what you'll be like once you've had your baby. You could have PND and need extra support.

jacks11 · 26/06/2017 20:25

But in answer to your question, no it's not unreasonable to explain how you feel about more time being left alone to look after the children, and ask him not to go.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 20:34

If your DH is drinking beers whilst supervising children on a school trip, I would not be very impressed if I was one of the parents. Yes, they may be supervised by the ski instructors during the ski lessons, but out-with that the teachers are in charge. They should not be drinking.

I think it's 4 hour skiing sessions at a time so he assumes one beer at the start of that time period wouldn't be a problem. I'm certainly not justifying though and told him myself I was surprised it was allowed.

OP posts:
Cesar1 · 26/06/2017 20:35

I guess it's what you're used to, but I can't see what the fuss is here at all. Sorry OP. My DH has always gone away probably every other week since day 1 with our first DC (and we had 3). For a night, week, whatever. That's his job and mine was default patent, so that was it. This is only a couple of trips.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/06/2017 20:38

So I was right.. and after talking to him and your further explanation he clearly isn't a twat yet you let people butch about him and agreed.

Mistressiggi · 26/06/2017 20:40

Cesar the OP also works and going on multiple trips a year is simply not part of a teacher's job.
So nothing like your situation really.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 20:44

The fuss is that I'm not the default parent, the trip is optional and he just agreed to going without even checking with mr that it would be ok.

I imagine in most relationships involving children one parent wouldn't just take it upon themselves to go abroad for a few days without discussing it with the other parent first.

He may be going with work but it's optional. Obviously if going away was actually his job and his pay was dependent on him going then it's obviously a no brainer that he'd have to go, but it isn't. He is choosing to go.

This situation is not the same as a person having to travel or be away with work in order to provide an income.

OP posts:
WoofWoofMooWoof · 26/06/2017 20:47

I can understand why you'd be a bit upset with him, but as a single mother raising young twins more or less on my own, I'm afraid I can't find much sympathy for you. I can't remember the last time I had a break - it's been many years. We just have to get one with it and get the job done. They're our children!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 20:50

quack - I feel like you have some kind of axe to grind. Nobody has called my DH a twat and nobody has bitched about him. People (including me) saying that what he's doing seems unfair isn't bitching, it's having an opinion. Nobody on here has been particularly nasty towards DH in my opinion or made personal attacks or personal comments towards him.

My question was AIBU to ask him not to go.....not "Is my husband a twat?"

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/06/2017 20:54

You are bitching because you didn't confront him about it first. You say you have never stopped him before and he has never had to ask and now you come on here moaning about it. When people didn't agree you seemed to get that and then once people started saying he was unfair you jumped on board with them. That's bitchy.

Clearly if you did what I said earlier on and spoke to him you would have had zero reason to bitch or could have let others know that he is sorry and was trying to sort it and is finding the money for childcare for you. Hardly an axe to grind, just don't understand lack of communication which results to bitching in relationships.

Bonesy1 · 26/06/2017 20:57

Quack, surely the whole point of AIBU is to get unbiased opinion before you speak to someone!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 20:58

I haven't 'jumped on board with anyone' as I have taken on board all point of view and can see it from both sides. I'm upset he didn't check with me first but I can also understand why he didn't. I am allowed to feel both ways about it, it doesn't have to be one feeling or another.

I think we will just have to agree to disagree quack rather than argue about it.

OP posts:
Cesar1 · 26/06/2017 20:58

Will you be back at work and having to take holiday to facilitate him going away? (sorry if you explained this already and I missed it). If so, he should have asked you, yes.

Only you know how you feel, so if you think it's too much, then it probably is. If the baby was going to be 6 days or 6 weeks when he's away then, I'd agree it might be a bit much. 6 months, is not so bad, but as I say, everyone is different - as are babies!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 21:04

This time round I will still be on Maternity trip so annual leave isn't an issue. If I was at work I would have to take two weeks annual leave to accommodate it.

If he does swap onto the October trip instead, I will be back at work by then so I will have to take Annual Leave to facilitate his trip.

OP posts:
user1497480444 · 26/06/2017 21:12

I think he has got the raw end of the deal here, to be honest. 13 days with your own children in your own home, I can't see any problem at all with, and you have him there for the rest of the year.

13 days supervising other people's children abroad will be an unrelenting nightmare

user1497480444 · 26/06/2017 21:13

Why would you have to take annual leave? What are your normal arrangements when both of you are working?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 21:29

Because of my shifts DH has to do the CM pick ups and drop offs. If DH isn't here I can't go to work because there's nobody who can have DS and take him to childcare before and after my shifts in DH's absence.

OP posts:
TestTubeTeen · 26/06/2017 21:31

YANBU.
Why is he so keen to sign up to these trips?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 21:36

Because they are fun (which he will say himself) and he probably enjoys a break away from mundane home life Grin

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 26/06/2017 21:39

So if you had been at work when these trips happen next year, how much annual leave would you have had to take in order to be able to do the drop-offs and pickups? Would he actually have done both trips if that had been the case?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/06/2017 21:44

I have my opinion and I'm sorry that it differs from your own. You have your partner home more than most and are complaining that he is working. You have repeatedly said this is something he does and hasn't had to ask your permission before so I fail to see how this is different.

You already say you get two holidays a year as a family and him and his son get a holiday together also and yet you are complaining that you aren't getting a break? You also complained that he was getting a break away with his son but you weren't, well yes you are getting a break even with a baby unless you are so messy that there is no difference between you on your own with a baby and a full house then I think you are being difficult.

I also said that if you are finding it hard (the thought of being alone with both children for longer than expected then that is also fine. No reason you couldn't have spoke to him first (which clearly worked out in the end) before letting others jump on and say he is unreasonable when in actual fact he wasn't. He's getting a hard time for no reason and you allowed that and agreed. My opinion differed from yours and that is ok.

To be honest it's resolved now and I wish you all the best. Good luck with the new baby.

AtSea1979 · 26/06/2017 21:47

when do I get a break

When he gets back of course. Book yourself a spa break or whatever floats your boat and enjoy.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 21:49

So if you had been at work when these trips happen next year, how much annual leave would you have had to take in order to be able to do the drop-offs and pickups?

I would say that in a 12 month period I have to take anywhere between 2-3 weeks annual leave to accommodate his school trips, be they the trips abroad or just all day trips which he goes on once every few months.

OP posts:
Dibbles1967 · 26/06/2017 21:55

If he doesn't HAVE to go on the second trip, I'd take issue with that myself.

RhiWrites · 26/06/2017 22:02

I think it's outrageous some posters are blaming the OP for not talking to her husband before posting when he BOOKED A SCHOOL TRIP without mentioning it.