To ask DH not to go on this school trip....

[Writerwannabe83]

My husband is a teacher and every year in Feb/March time he goes on a Ski Trip with the school for 8 days.

We have a DS and I'm currently pregnant so when he goes on the Ski Trip in 2018 our DS will be just under 4 and the baby will be 6 months old. I have no issues at all with him going on the Ski Trip.

After the Ski Trip he is home for about 10 days and then he and DS are going abroad together for a week which they do at least one half term a year.

In my mind I was mentally thinking that 9 days home alone with a 4 year old and a baby whilst DH goes skiing isn't exactly nice but at least I will get some time to recuperate when DH takes DS away for that week.

Anyway, two days ago DH came home from work and said there's another school trip abroad that he's going on which means he'll be gone for four days

I asked him when it was and he said it is two days after he's back from the Ski Trip!!!

So now he'll be skiing for 9 days whilst I'm at home on my own with the children, he will be back for two days (and working on those days) and then he will be leaving us all to go abroad again for another four days.

So in the space of 15 days I'm at home with the children on my own for 12 of them whilst he's abroad.

And then two days after he gets back he's then jetting off abroad again with DS for a holiday whilst I'm stuck at home on my own again.

I'm no longer seeing my week at home with just the baby as respite but more as a week of being home alone again to carry out childcare whilst DH is off again!

I will hardly see DH that month.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

It's not that I can't handle the children, of course I can, it will just be hard work and it seems so unfair that he can have all that time away from home/family life whilst I'm no doubt going to be stressed and tired at home.

I feel like telling him that it's not fair to leave us for 9 days, come home for two days and then just leave again for another four days....

I know it's his work but when do I get a break?!

He HAS to go on the Ski Trip so I get that, but this second trip isn't necessary, there are other teachers that could go, so would I be unreasonable to tell him I would rather he didn't go and instead spend some time at home and give me a bit of a break/rest from the children after 9 days of him already being away?

probably he'll get some extra pay that will be handy

Will he chuff! Teachers do not get paid for school trips.

My view is that just because other people can cope with more lone parenting, it doesn't make it okay for OP. I think if you feel it's not right, OP, then you need to speak to him. He needs to be aware things are going to be different with 2 small children. Quite possibly he can't change it for this time, but maybe next time he'll run it past you first. It's likely to be due to just not thinking as it's never previously not been an issue, you say. But you do need to talk it through, l think.

I know - laughing at idea of extra pay, a school trip as a bit of a jolly, etcetera. school trips don't work like that, sadly.

Running school trips is hard work but it sounds as if he needs telling that he can't assume that you are always ready to pick up the slack from his job. Optional work commitments need to be agreed between the two of you before he makes them. But in all fairness if he did the two trips before and it wasn't a problem he probably didn't see why it would become a problem now. He needs telling.

we've never had to stop each other from doing something they wanted to. Being in a situation now where I feel like I want to tell him he can't go, or even ask him not to go, is just a bit alien to me.

You've never had to be so dependent on each other before. Don't let him take it for granted that he can ask more and more of you as your family expands and that he can become more and more dependent on you for his childcare and housework. Time to call it in.

But do be prepared to have a think about what you really want from him and then negotiate flexibly. What else might you want apart from him simply not going? Do you want a cleaner? Something at another time - like a holiday for yourself while he stays home and looks after both kids, or a family holiday where you aren't expected to cook or clean?

Running school trips is hard work but it sounds as if he needs telling that he can't assume that you are always ready to pick up the slack from his job.

The trips are pretty annoying in general anyway because whenever he needs to go on any school trips I have to use up my annual leave to be at home with the DS in his absence. I'd say about 40% of my A/L entitlement is used up to enable him to go away with work.

It's not stopping him from doing it. It's telling him you can't/don't want to manage without him for that long. If it wasn't difficult for you you wouldn't stop him would you? YANBU.

Meh. My husband was away Monday to Friday from the day DD was 2 weeks old. I also had DD 1. Not saying there aren't tough days of course. But you'll cope. Why don't you go away with the new baby whilst DH and DS are away. Have a little break?

I think I will just give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that maybe the issue of me coping simply didn't occur to him. I just won't make too big an issue out of it but say from now on school trips need to spread further apart so he isn't away for prolonged periods or he at least needs to discuss it with me before just agreeing to it.

He's generally fantastic and very hands on so I don't want to risk having a big argument over this when hopefully it's just a result of him not having thought it through very well.

The trips are pretty annoying in general anyway because whenever he needs to go on any school trips I have to use up my annual leave to be at home with the DS in his absence. I'd say about 40% of my A/L entitlement is used up to enable him to go away with work.

Genuine question, given this (I'm not trying to get at you, I promise) - do you think he maybe thought that going on this trip while you were on mat leave was an actively good thing, rather than going on another trip later in the year when you're back at work (since you say he alternates these trips)? I can sort of imagine his logic if so - which doesn't make him right, obviously, but does underline why you need to talk about this and him discussing with you in advance, as he may genuinely think that he was thinking of you when he agreed to this.

So the more I have read the more I don't understand why you are complaining on here instead of talking to him.

You have said this is regular so not out of the blue, I get that the timing is short notice but it's something he does normally take on. You've also said he gets asked a lot and have also said your relationship is very give and take so you do get time to yourself.

To be honest you need to ask him if he will say no instead of coming on here and letting everyone else bitch about him when he hasn't been given the chance to give you an answer. You've said you have never stopped him before and he has never stopped you doing what you like so why, if this time is an issue have you not spoke to him before coming on here? He may surprise you and cancel it but you haven't given him that option.

Possibly margaret - his logical mind probably would think like that.

Maybe I will just tell him that he can go but he's got to pay out for extra childcare for DS so I can at least get a few more days than normal with only the baby to worry about

You have said this is regular so not out of the blue, I get that the timing is short notice but it's something he does normally take on

I guess I just assumed that as there's now two children on the scene, especially one who will still be quite young, he would think that going away for 12/13 days out of 15 isn't really appropriate and say no to the second trip.....or at least talk to me about it first. I'm just surprised he has agreed to go without even discussing it with me given how our circumstances will be.

Then you assumed wrong.. maybe talk to him and actually find out 🙄

I think some posters are angling for medals here

So some of you are in worse situations than the OP. Well done to you. Maybe some advice on how you deal with your situations, it rather than the 'it wouldn't bother me' line would be helpful.

I'd just say

'DH is this extra trip a definite or can you get out of it? Just I've worked out you'll be gone for nearly a month and I'll be alone with two dcs for X days and then the baby for X days and I'm thinking it might be a bit much for me? Obviously if you can't get out of it now then fair enough, I'll suck it up, but next year we need to make sure they're spaced out a bit so I'm not tearing my hair out!'

What glittery says sounds good.

I'd simply say to him that the second trip doesn't work for you this time as the baby will be so young and you simply don't want to pick up all that slack.

The fact that you use up your A/L to enable these trips is

Things are going to have to change, aren't they? You will now have two children that presumably you want to spend quality downtime with - quality holiday time. If nothing else, I think a calm discussion is needed where you point out that from now on, you just aren't prepared to use 40% of the potential holiday time you could spend with your own children enabling him to go away without any of you - for any purpose.

I would think that this is a discussion all teachers have when they become parents themselves. Suddenly, the extra-curricular stuff isn't just a case of deciding x is fun, or not much hassle, or perfectly happy to do it. Post-children it becomes a big sacrifice - of time, of holiday leave (which essentially = cash, as in - that annual leave is effectively childcare in the bank that you don't have to pay for).

You're paying out some of your earnings, in the form of A/L, for him to go on trips he doesn't get paid extra for. You will really REALLY begin to notice that soon.

The Euro trip in these circumstances is simply not fair.

I guess I just assumed that as there's now two children on the scene, especially one who will still be quite young, he would think that going away for 12/13 days out of 15 isn't really appropriate and say no to the second trip.....or at least talk to me about it first. I'm just surprised he has agreed to go without even discussing it with me given how our circumstances will be.

It's more than surprising, it's totally unacceptable.

I get that you don't want an argument, but sometimes it's right to show that you are not prepared to be taken for granted or treated badly.

It's astonishing he didn't speak to you about it full stop - but when the baby will be so young?

Sounds like he may be a nice guy but he's also totally complacent about your role and the fact that he simply gets to assume that you will pick up the slack.

I would sit down with him and point out how life has changed. How his responsibilities have changed. And how, with two kids, him just saying 'Yep I'll go' without consulting you is effectively taking a big old shit on you from a great height.

There used to be a teacher at my children's school like this. I did wonder what his wife thought about him going to China/USA on alternate years every Easter, ski-ing every Feb half term, every trip to the battlefields in France each year, every adventure trip to the Lake District last week of June..

Whatever trip was running, you name it Mr A was on it!

How many of these trips does he have to go on? genuinely?

YABU, it's his job. My DH used to work off shore for 3 weeks and home for 2 weeks for years, then he worked abroad for 6 weeks at a time. He did this from when our daughter was 10 days old, I just had to get on with it.

YABU, it's his job.

It's an OPTIONAL extra to his job role.

He does not HAVE to go to Euro Disney for 4 days, he's choosing to go.

I'd have no issues with either trip. As a teacher he gets thirteen weeks a year odd, that's triple what most people get and would love to have. However I never had an issue being alone with the children and didn't see it as a burden, likewise neither does DH if I'm away with work.

I will talk to him about it tonight but I have a feeling that if he's already agreed to go then he can't just pull out as I'm sure travel documents/tickets/bookings etc may already have been organised with his name on them.

I reckon I will just have to suck it up this time but I will let him know I'm really disappointed he didn't speak to me first and that next time we need to talk about any school trips he's asked to go on.

As a teacher he gets thirteen weeks a year off, that's triple what most people get and would love to have.

So that gives him free rein to do as he pleases whilst leaving me to deal with everything at home and I should accept it and be grateful for the time he is here?