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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go on this school trip....

210 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 13:48

My husband is a teacher and every year in Feb/March time he goes on a Ski Trip with the school for 8 days.

We have a DS and I'm currently pregnant so when he goes on the Ski Trip in 2018 our DS will be just under 4 and the baby will be 6 months old. I have no issues at all with him going on the Ski Trip.

After the Ski Trip he is home for about 10 days and then he and DS are going abroad together for a week which they do at least one half term a year.

In my mind I was mentally thinking that 9 days home alone with a 4 year old and a baby whilst DH goes skiing isn't exactly nice but at least I will get some time to recuperate when DH takes DS away for that week.

Anyway, two days ago DH came home from work and said there's another school trip abroad that he's going on which means he'll be gone for four days Hmm

I asked him when it was and he said it is two days after he's back from the Ski Trip!!! Shock Confused

So now he'll be skiing for 9 days whilst I'm at home on my own with the children, he will be back for two days (and working on those days) and then he will be leaving us all to go abroad again for another four days.

So in the space of 15 days I'm at home with the children on my own for 12 of them whilst he's abroad.

And then two days after he gets back he's then jetting off abroad again with DS for a holiday whilst I'm stuck at home on my own again.

I'm no longer seeing my week at home with just the baby as respite but more as a week of being home alone again to carry out childcare whilst DH is off again!

I will hardly see DH that month.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

It's not that I can't handle the children, of course I can, it will just be hard work and it seems so unfair that he can have all that time away from home/family life whilst I'm no doubt going to be stressed and tired at home.

I feel like telling him that it's not fair to leave us for 9 days, come home for two days and then just leave again for another four days....

I know it's his work but when do I get a break?!

He HAS to go on the Ski Trip so I get that, but this second trip isn't necessary, there are other teachers that could go, so would I be unreasonable to tell him I would rather he didn't go and instead spend some time at home and give me a bit of a break/rest from the children after 9 days of him already being away?

OP posts:
crocodilesoup · 27/06/2017 14:57

It will probably be better than you think Flowers It just seems so unnecessary

QuackPorridgeBacon · 27/06/2017 15:15

You really should have some to him when you had these feelings. Or did you only have them once you realised he would be away so long? If so I understand.

AvoidingCallenetics · 27/06/2017 15:57

So what are you going to do with this now, Writer? Have you pointed out that his extra curticular activity relies on your annual leave and that in future it must be agreed with you before he commits? Amd that he must cut down now that you have 2 children?
Because if you just bottle up your feelings on this, or keep your complaints to mn, he will continue to please himself. I think you need to be clear about what you want when you talk to him and don't minimise it, like it's a little thing. It isn't and you want change before resentment grows and your relationship suffers.

JingsAlanIsThatYou · 27/06/2017 16:13

He's utterly selfish because he's totally used to that being fine, him coming entirely first and not even having to check with you - the complete assumption is that you will take on any and all of the slack to accomodate him. Naturally it was all ok before children - no slack to really pick up - after your first, things should have changed. Now you're expecting a second and well on the way to having two young children to work around, it's just not feasible.

What do you think he'd say if you said to him (perfectly pleasantly of course):

'DH, from now on, my annual leave won't be available for you to use to facilitate school trips. I only get x weeks a year, now that we have children, I want to use that time for us to spend together as a family in the summer - go camping, make memories. My time with the children and our family time is more important to me than the school trips. If they were compulsory it would be different of course, but as they are an optional part of your job, and you've more than put the time in over the years supporting them, I don't think I'm being unreasonable to say I'm not prepared to use my holiday time to cover them any more.'

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 17:32

Well the news is that he can't get out of it. Surprise, surprise.

When it was just his 8/9 days due to the skiing trip I was happy to just suck it up because he runs that trip, he's done it for countless years so I would never expect him not to do it as I do class that as part of his job role, but when he announced the extra 4 days on top of that which are an optional trip, that's what just pushed me over the edge.

I think he just agreed to it because he knew I'd be on Maternity Leave so there wouldn't be any childcare to worry about and he just assumed I'd be happy to fly solo for two weeks.

He knows how pissed off I am and he knows he should have spoken to me first.

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 27/06/2017 18:10

So, to be clear, he isn't going to pull a stunt like this in future?
I think that what Jings said is perfect. The time has come to reset your 'norm' so that you don't acquire all the wifework and become the supporting act to his starring role.
I am a sahp and my husband still runs trips by me, so that we can manage our family life.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 18:17

Generally we are very 50/50 in terms of childcare and housework etc - we each do our bit and we tick along nicely, it's just this one issue that has annoyed me.

At least he didn't offer his services for the October trip this year seeing as the baby will only be about 6 weeks old......he must have some sense hidden away in there somewhere Grin

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 27/06/2017 18:23

Glad to hear that Writer.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/06/2017 18:27

'DH, from now on, my annual leave won't be available for you to use to facilitate school trips. I only get x weeks a year, now that we have children, I want to use that time for us to spend together as a family in the summer - go camping, make memories. My time with the children and our family time is more important to me than the school trips. If they were compulsory it would be different of course, but as they are an optional part of your job, and you've more than put the time in over the years supporting them, I don't think I'm being unreasonable to say I'm not prepared to use my holiday time to cover them any more.'

This is perfect.

LadyPenelope67 · 27/06/2017 18:41

At least he knows how you feel and, from what you've said, seems to understand. That in itself normally makes me feel a bit better, I hope you do too.
He's got some serious making up to do though Grin

thatdearoctopus · 27/06/2017 19:35

Am I the only old cynic around here who's wondering how hard he's tried to "get out of it?" Surely, if he's only just asked to go accepted, it's not too late to at least ask if anyone else is available to go instead? Or does he not want to even try?
Hmm

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 19:42

He told them months ago that he would go......he just failed to mention it to me until a few days ago Hmm

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 27/06/2017 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WannaBe · 27/06/2017 20:11

Haven't read the whole thread, but surely anyone who thinks that someone who is going off for four days with a group of 60 or so teenagers will be having an easy ride vs someone who only has a baby and a toddler to contend with is having a laugh?

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2017 20:14

Well, he volunteered to go just days after returning from another trip, so I guess it can't be all that awful...

Pengggwn · 27/06/2017 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline · 27/06/2017 20:41

I'm with mum - the biggest issue ongoing is that he will continue to assume your annual leave is available for him to volunteer for something he classes as fun. You really need to go away on your own on the summer holidays. If my dh had summer off he would absolutely be the default parent as for 1-2 months a year he would run everything at home. It doesn't sound like your dh comes close to that.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 21:12

My DH does the trips because he enjoys them. He doesn't find them stressful or any other 'poor teacher' emotion he is presumed to feel, he goes on them because he likes doing it, he enjoys the change of scenery and he has fun whilst on them.

The Euro trips and Barcelona trips are optional so he chooses to go on them. I doubt he would be offering to go so frequently if school trips are as horrific as a lot of posters seem to think they are.

Some people are making out he's some kind of victim, being forced to go on horrendous residential trips because it's "his job" when in reality he's choosing to go on them and he does that because he has a good time whilst he's there.

They may not be 100% "a jolly" but he'll certainly be having a lot more fun than I will be having at home Grin

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/06/2017 21:33

Wannabe

The Op has said several times that her Dh has said he enjoys the trips.

Wouldn't fancy it personally but it takes all sorts to make a world.

I enjoy multiplying large numbers together in my head. Apparently not everyone finds mental maths relaxing. Shock

MaisyPops · 27/06/2017 21:33

My DH does the trips because he enjoys them. He doesn't find them stressful or any other 'poor teacher' emotion he is presumed to feel, he goes on them because he likes doing it, he enjoys the change of scenery and he has fun whilst on them
I enjoy my trips that I do. I also have a laugh with the students and it's an enjoyable experience. It's nice to share cultural experiences with them and discuss non-curricukum interests.

Pointing out the pressures of a trip isn't about 'poor teacher'. The reality is that however much I enjoy the trips, I'm bloody exhausted at the end. I'm on call 24/7 and ultimately responsible for about 30 teenagers.

Do I do it every year? Yes.
Is it tiring? Absolutely.

Just because something is enjoyable doesn't mean that it's some kind of stress free paradise.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/06/2017 21:44

My dh chooses to spend his leisure time cycling up and down the North Yorkshire Moors.

It is presumably quite tiring. It is undoubtedly quite stressful. (Cramp in your hand but if you let go of your brakes you will die - I also cycle so know the feeling.)

If he announced afterwards though that I'd had an easier time than him by looking after the kids so he could get a ride in then I'd be a bit unimpressed.

crocodilesoup · 27/06/2017 21:48

Let's hope the dh doesn't come home exhausted from the trips and need some downtime to recover!

ilovesooty · 27/06/2017 21:49

I don't think cycling and being responsible for school trips are comparable.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 21:53

I think he goes for the rest....

He's always telling me he gets the best sleeps he's had in years whilst on the trips compared to when he's at home.

I think he thinks he's being funny but it doesn't amuse me....

He probably got asked about the Euro trip and his first thought was "Great, that's another 3/4 nights of uninterrupted sleep on top of the 8 I will be getting on the Ski Trip: DEAL!"

Grin
OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/06/2017 21:54

They are (arguably crazy) things someone's husband chooses to do. That the other partner has to facilitate by doing the childcare.