To ask DH not to go on this school trip....

[Writerwannabe83]

My husband is a teacher and every year in Feb/March time he goes on a Ski Trip with the school for 8 days.

We have a DS and I'm currently pregnant so when he goes on the Ski Trip in 2018 our DS will be just under 4 and the baby will be 6 months old. I have no issues at all with him going on the Ski Trip.

After the Ski Trip he is home for about 10 days and then he and DS are going abroad together for a week which they do at least one half term a year.

In my mind I was mentally thinking that 9 days home alone with a 4 year old and a baby whilst DH goes skiing isn't exactly nice but at least I will get some time to recuperate when DH takes DS away for that week.

Anyway, two days ago DH came home from work and said there's another school trip abroad that he's going on which means he'll be gone for four days

I asked him when it was and he said it is two days after he's back from the Ski Trip!!!

So now he'll be skiing for 9 days whilst I'm at home on my own with the children, he will be back for two days (and working on those days) and then he will be leaving us all to go abroad again for another four days.

So in the space of 15 days I'm at home with the children on my own for 12 of them whilst he's abroad.

And then two days after he gets back he's then jetting off abroad again with DS for a holiday whilst I'm stuck at home on my own again.

I'm no longer seeing my week at home with just the baby as respite but more as a week of being home alone again to carry out childcare whilst DH is off again!

I will hardly see DH that month.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

It's not that I can't handle the children, of course I can, it will just be hard work and it seems so unfair that he can have all that time away from home/family life whilst I'm no doubt going to be stressed and tired at home.

I feel like telling him that it's not fair to leave us for 9 days, come home for two days and then just leave again for another four days....

I know it's his work but when do I get a break?!

He HAS to go on the Ski Trip so I get that, but this second trip isn't necessary, there are other teachers that could go, so would I be unreasonable to tell him I would rather he didn't go and instead spend some time at home and give me a bit of a break/rest from the children after 9 days of him already being away?

But the point is at least partly that there has been NO CONSULTATION.

The thing with going away is that you are not just committing yourself, when you have children. You are signing your partner up to cover at home. You're volunteering them too.

So, when you have kids, you don't just say 'yep'. You have enough respect for your partner and enough comprehension that when you have children you work as a TEAM, both during work hours and out of them, to check with your partner FIRST that they're ok covering solo. That they're ok missing out on their sport that week as they'll have to stay home. That they're ok with paying out more for childcare if something can't be covered by one person. Or, here, that they're ok covering the vast majority of the MONTH with a very small baby with no respite or lie-ins or downtime.

To not check that that is ok, especially with a young baby, is really off.

It's just so simple.

Teamwork and respect.

You aren't free agents outside of your own relationship. You have children, so someone has to care for them. So going away becomes not just your decision because it doesn't affect just you.

You don't get to sign your partner up for solo childcare without consulting them.

Pengggwn are you suggesting that the bulk of extracurricular trips fall to those teachers without young children?

It's tricky. It's a perk of his job and it'd be a shame for him to feel he can't go; but equally he has responsibilities now.

Would he usually invite you if you weren't on maternity, so costs weren't an issue?

Glittery has a good response written; I think.

I'd find a companion like your mum or someone and go and stay in a kid friendly hotel for a few days, one with a kids club so you can have a rest. Put your needs first

Tell him he can go where he likes as long as the baby goes with him, and you can go off at the same time to do your work/play/personal space things.

Or, here, that they're ok covering the vast majority of the MONTH with a very small baby with no respite or lie-ins or downtime. To not check that that is ok, especially with such a young baby, is really off

That's exactly it. The just assumption that I'm there to do everything so he can do what he wants. I would never, ever make plans to go abroad without checking with DH first if it meant leaving him alone with the children for a significant amount of time, work or otherwise. Seven months ago I had to go to London for two days due to work and I felt guilty enough about that!!

And, as for the 13 weeks off...

Yes he does have that time, BUT he can't use it anywhere else. So think it through. OP has already said that SHE has to use HER annual leave to enable the trips. So... the net effect of this arrangement is that OP gets to use up her A/L covering five days here and there, not quality time but the usual drudgery, making sure she can be there for pickup, covering time when Dad is away anyway. She then gets less time to take during the summer, on time spent as a family, on going on holiday, on taking time when the weather is nice etc. Her time is frittered to cover work-related stuff for him. Meanwhile, he gets to do the work trips he WANTS to do -all of them! - then gets all the time in the summer with his children while she maybe has a few days during this time.

Not Fair.

One thing you should point out OP is that the using annual leave for trips cover is going to STOP. Otherwise all this will very quickly turn to resentment. For a start I think that unless it is impossible you should be shelling out the extra for you to go on the half term trip.

I think you should jack the father and son half term trips and hire a cleaner instead.

How can you be "disappointed" with him doing something you have always been ok with and haven't said anything about not being ok with it this time? Talk to him like you're meant to do in relationships and this would have all been fine and sorted by now. Instead you seem to enjoy those bitching about him and now all of a sudden you are so sure that he has disappointed you. Stop swaying on how you feel and talk to him fs.

Also, also...

DH and DS go away without me once a year because it's not possible for me to get all the half terms off which is obviously the only time DH can have off. We still always have 1 or 2 family holidays a year on top of the one trip he has away with DS

• is this another side effect of you using most of your leave to cover his work trips? Either way - pretty soon this will not work any more, will it? It already stinks just a tiny bit - I note that you cover absolutely PLENTY of times when your DH is at work, but there's no mention of family money being used to fund a trip away for just you and DS during those periods. Just the important 'father-son' thing. It seems to be very much a thing that stuff is arranged quite well around him getting the cream and actively DOING things and you filling in the stuff that needs to be covered.

I am absolutely that when you have JUST had a baby, the effort and money is going into your H taking your son away for a 'break' - rather than the absolute priority being the family together with the baby, and YOU getting a break when you'll presumably at that point be pretty knackered. Just wow. That's without the euro trip even being considered.

The more I think about this the less good a DH this guy sounds. I really hope you feel you can lay it on the line with him.

She ont have "just had a baby" I thought op said the baby will be six months?

I really don't mind the DH/DS trip away as it was booked before I fell pregnant so it can't be helped. DS is really looking forward to it so I wouldn't have wanted to cancel it. When DH takes DS away he uses his personal money to pay for it, he doesn't take it out of the joint account and then we just use some of the Child Benefit money to take as spending money. I actually quite like it when they go away together as its quality time for them and I also think it's good thing for DH to see what 24/7 parenting is actually like

The only reason I struggle to get half terms off is because I work with 30 other women who also need half terms off to look after their young children or take family holidays. Work ensures everyone has two weeks off in the Summer but apart from that it can be difficult to get time off outside term time because it has to be spread so thinly. We can generally only request to have one half term period off each year.

I also think it's good thing for DH to see what 24/7 parenting is actually like - he shouldn't need to go on holiday to do that. In fact, it is probably very different on holiday where I think you indicated there is food, a pool etc etc. Presumably he is not trying to get out to the supermarket at the end of a day's work, rushing to get out the door early in the morning, doing the housework around feeding a baby etc. Maybe you should go away for a weekend with the baby and let him try it out at home?!

Maybe you should go away for a weekend with the baby and let him try it out at home?!

Or maybe next summer I will disappear for 13 days out of 15 and just leave him to it.....

The longest DH has ever had DS on his own for when in a normal home environment (I.e not them being on holiday) is about 3 days and the place was chaos when I came home

I dread to think what would happen if I left him in sole charge of the house and children for two weeks...

The school trips I wouldn't have a huge problem with as it's work

Going away with ds tho can be changed - Either cancel them or add yourself with baby and all go

Book yourself a trip away during the school holidays and he can look after the children. You'll then feel better about it.

Book yourself a trip away during the school holidays and he can look after the children. You'll then feel better about it.

I actually think this is a great idea and one I shall run past him when we talk tonight

its not that long really. i have been raisimg a 2.5 year old and a nearly 9 month old single handedly since youngest was 3 months so 3 weeks seems like a dream in comparison

I suspect it's just that he's not thought it through, rather than deliberately taking the piss. Years ago - been with dh for almost 30 years now so it's been a while - often had to explain the bleeding obvious to mine. That in itself can be irritating but we seem to have weathered it now. Occasionally I tease him 'You aren't a bachelor boy now'. So you need to talk to him and explain it from your viewpoint.

Things can create further problems when children stArt school, especially if they are in a different LEA from the teacher parent. We had that - the midterm weekends, any half days, in-service days - were all different when our children were at their most needy. And l ha don't to get time off as his hours were totally inflexible.

Sort it now, OP.

I'm sooo not surprised by your updates

So - things are not equal, at all. The everyday, the numdane, the shitwork - is you. No wonder he doesn't feel the need to check with you about whether it's ok to ask you to cover all this - you cover it anyway. If he's genuinely in charge, holding the fort 'it's a tip when you come home' - goes without saying you cleaned the tip, yes?

Any Dad who says 'yes, no problem' to a trip involving nights away without first thinking to check is just by definition not playing on the team. Not being a partner.

I hope you have equal personal money? - I hope you'll have equal personal money during maternity, too? You certainly need the break more...

As others have said, taking one child away for a trip is the definition of not getting a taste of 24 hour parenting. No laundry. No school lunches. No bedtime. No juggling. No have to be up and out and at school early. None of the stress.

I hope you can work it out OP. The fact that he's agreed to these trips and not even thought that you needed to be consulted speaks VOLUMES about the relationship, it really does. As does your clear reluctance to rock the boat. Suck it up? I wouldn't be. I wouldn't spoil for a fight but I'd just very clearly say that I wasn't willing to cover even more time solo that month with a baby and absolutely no downtime for the previous weeks and I knew that I would need a break by then. And that I was astonished that he'd agreed to a trip without having childcare confirmed at home, especially when HE (yes, also he) had a young baby to juggle.

I dread to think what would happen if I left him in sole charge of the house and children for two weeks...

Tell you what, aim for the kind of relationship where you'd just never say that. They are the relationships that last.

Hmmm - so he gets 13 weeks of holiday (and before anyone says about teachers working during holidays I am willing to bet that the marking burden of a PE teacher is significantly less than that of an English teacher) whilst you get maybe 7 (including bank holidays).

But you use maybe 3 of those weeks to enable him to take his holidays with school. (That he describes at least one of as "like a holiday".)

So even assuming the others are hard work that leaves him with 14 weeks of holiday a year and you with 4 weeks of holiday a year.

Not sure I'd be happy with that.

If this has all just happened there is NO WAY his name is on bookings etc. I think it would be a mistake to let him think it's ok for this year only. So what if he has to go into work and say shit no ive just realised I can't leave writer and the children that long - he has created the mess he can fix it. I am sick of women being expected to suck up mess that they had no part in

We spoke about it and he said he does realise how unfair it is and how tiring I may find it. He said he just hadn't thought about that aspect as he was so used to just going. He said it's very unlikely he will be able to pull out this late notice as apparently it was all sorted a few months ago. He said though that we'll find the money from somewhere to put DS in childcare maybe one extra day a week and he will speak to his dad about helping out at the weekends by either having DS for a few hours a day and having him stop overnight etc etc.

I did say I would prefer him not to go but that I understand if he can't get out of it. He was quite apologetic about it all and repeated that he just hadn't thought it through. I guess if he was asked a few months ago about going I would only have been 5 months pregnant so his brain just didn't think ahead to how hard it may be for me having a 4 year old and 6 month old for two weeks alone.

He also mentioned his and DS's holiday and whether he'd prefer he didn't go but I assured him it was fine. It's already paid for and DS is so excited that I wouldn't want him to miss out.

It ended with him saying he will ask tomorrow about getting out of going and swapping on to the October trip instead (which I said would be the better option) but he doesn't know how simple it will be due to the Booking already being in his name and the flights having already being booked.

I said I felt a bit upset that he'd agreed to go without even consulting me, especially as he agreed to it months ago, but he said it just hadn't occurred to him as he'd been doing it for years and assumed next year would be no different.

If he does go, which ultimately I think he will, then I will be storing up 14 days worth of 'me' time that he will owe me

I feel better for talking to him about it but I don't think it will change the outcome.

And to whoever asked, he's always been very fair about money and we've always had equal spends. In my previous job he bought home about £700 more than me and in my current job he still brings home £450 more than me but personal spends have always been equal, he's never thought he deserved more because he earns more.

Last year he kept sending me beautiful photos of the snowy slopes whilst he sat drinking beers

If your DH is drinking beers whilst supervising children on a school trip, I would not be very impressed if I was one of the parents. Yes, they may be supervised by the ski instructors during the ski lessons, but out-with that the teachers are in charge. They should not be drinking.

Most school residential trips are hard work for the teachers, not a nice little jolly. At my DC's school there is usually a teacher nearby the groups in case they are needed. And definitely available 24/7. The children can only be skiing for so many hours a day and the teachers should be supervising the rest of the time.