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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go on this school trip....

210 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 13:48

My husband is a teacher and every year in Feb/March time he goes on a Ski Trip with the school for 8 days.

We have a DS and I'm currently pregnant so when he goes on the Ski Trip in 2018 our DS will be just under 4 and the baby will be 6 months old. I have no issues at all with him going on the Ski Trip.

After the Ski Trip he is home for about 10 days and then he and DS are going abroad together for a week which they do at least one half term a year.

In my mind I was mentally thinking that 9 days home alone with a 4 year old and a baby whilst DH goes skiing isn't exactly nice but at least I will get some time to recuperate when DH takes DS away for that week.

Anyway, two days ago DH came home from work and said there's another school trip abroad that he's going on which means he'll be gone for four days Hmm

I asked him when it was and he said it is two days after he's back from the Ski Trip!!! Shock Confused

So now he'll be skiing for 9 days whilst I'm at home on my own with the children, he will be back for two days (and working on those days) and then he will be leaving us all to go abroad again for another four days.

So in the space of 15 days I'm at home with the children on my own for 12 of them whilst he's abroad.

And then two days after he gets back he's then jetting off abroad again with DS for a holiday whilst I'm stuck at home on my own again.

I'm no longer seeing my week at home with just the baby as respite but more as a week of being home alone again to carry out childcare whilst DH is off again!

I will hardly see DH that month.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

It's not that I can't handle the children, of course I can, it will just be hard work and it seems so unfair that he can have all that time away from home/family life whilst I'm no doubt going to be stressed and tired at home.

I feel like telling him that it's not fair to leave us for 9 days, come home for two days and then just leave again for another four days....

I know it's his work but when do I get a break?!

He HAS to go on the Ski Trip so I get that, but this second trip isn't necessary, there are other teachers that could go, so would I be unreasonable to tell him I would rather he didn't go and instead spend some time at home and give me a bit of a break/rest from the children after 9 days of him already being away?

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 27/06/2017 23:12

I think that the fact that he's known about this for months, but has only just seen fit to mention it to you as a fait accompli makes it even worse.

I'd be really steaming now.

NevermindtheBollocks · 27/06/2017 23:52

Meh, my dh works on an offshore rig. He is on a 3 week on/off rotation. Always has been since before the dc were born.

We have 2 dc and no family support. It's fine. You get on with it and you cope.

Pengggwn · 28/06/2017 03:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nowaynowjose · 28/06/2017 03:31

My Dh has been away regularly since both kids were a few weeks old. The big difference is that it was work. First holiday, fair enough (even though it sounds like a massive jolly), no real need for Eurodisney apart from the fact he obviously wants to go to enjoy it. Students and teachers split up in the park. That's being unfair, in assuming OP is happy to continue as lone parent while he goes on another jolly.

TheMaddHugger · 28/06/2017 03:54

Has He Never connected the Fact that these trips use up Your Holidays??

Pengggwn · 28/06/2017 06:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gunpowder · 28/06/2017 06:41

YANBU

MaisyPops · 28/06/2017 06:52

Pengggwn
Some departments where it's routinely expected that trips occur (Eg languages and PE) may well find that there is an expectation that people volunteer.

I think what's rubbed people up the wrong was is that the 1st trip is a long standing commitment that she was aware of, the final holiday is him taking his OWN CHILD away and then the OP is all 'I don't get a break'. she is, when he is taking their older child away so she only has baby.

Yeah, the DH should have spoken to the OP about the 2nd school trip.The 2nd trip is something like 4 days .

I think it's a big poor me to count up the total time away and then make out like he's doing nothing (because trips are so easy with 30 kods) whilst she's up to her eyeballs (with 2).

AvoidingCallenetics · 28/06/2017 07:15

Her two are little though and require actual looking after, rather than just supervising. It is different.

The real problem is him going away and just assuming she will cover his share of childcare, use up her AL to do so and never even bothers to ask her first.
The words massive sense of entitlement spring to mind.

Pengggwn · 28/06/2017 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 28/06/2017 07:19

I don't get all the angst. If either of us has to go away with work we just check dates don't clash but that's it. Neither of us moan or guilt the other that we gave to look after our own children. It's not exactly a hardship.

AvoidingCallenetics · 28/06/2017 07:25

Difference is between 'has to go' and 'wants to go'.
The dh is using up the OPs leave to do what he wants and still has his 13 weeks at home. The OP doesn't have that luxury.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 28/06/2017 07:36

I think that the fact that he's known about this for months, but has only just seen fit to mention it to you as a fait accompli makes it even worse.

Probably because he knew that if he asked me at the actual time he knew I would have said that I'd prefer him not to go.....

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBag · 28/06/2017 07:43

I think YABU actually.

It's work, not like he's going on a lads' trip to get pissed. It's only 4 days.

If you are going to find so hard to manage then get someone to help you - maybe there's another family member who can come over?

My DH travelled a lot for work when my DC were small, we always coped fine. You just get on with it. And I would never want to make him feel guilty about being away from home - it's all give & take. I'm sure there'll be other opportunities when he can do something for you.

AvoidingCallenetics · 28/06/2017 07:49

So he is manipulating you. He isn't coming across at all well here Writer. It is really easy to slip into being the 'support' partner, whose needs always come second. He is already sounding selfish and as though he considers his stuff to be a priority, to the point where he doesn't even ask you if you have plans you'd rather use your time for.
I would be very tempted to make him go into school, tell them he's cocked up and that he no longer had childcare for the Disney trip and had to pull out. The only thing stopping me would be the thought that it would cock up plans for the person who ends up replacing him.

I definitely think you need to make it 100% clear that you are no longer available in future. That goes for the ski trip too. Time to send him a clear message about equality and respect, neither of which he seems to give much thought to as things stand.
If you continue to do what you've always done, you'll continue to get what you've always got.

GrumpyOldBag · 28/06/2017 07:50

It's all part of the give and take that marriage involves, and as you say OP your DH enjoys going on these trips, and presumably doesn't have to pay (maybe he gets paid extra, I don't know) so why begrudge him that?

It doesn't need to be a zero sum game unless you make it one.

AvoidingCallenetics · 28/06/2017 07:54

Seems he does a lot of the taking though Grumpy.
Trips would be fine if OP didn't mind being alone with the dc for the time, but she does and given they are his kids too, he can't go swanning off in the assumption she will cover his share. And he can't blithely use up her AL to do so. Theae aren't trips which have no impact on the OP.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 28/06/2017 08:07

He's not selfish - he's great in loads of ways beside this issue and when he is at home he does his fair share, he's considerate, he makes sure I get 'me time' etc, he's a great dad/DH in that sense.

It isn't even though I begrudge him the second trip I'm just pissed off that he agreed to go without even discussing it with me. He knew it meant I'd be home with the children for 13 days out of 15 and he didn't even bother to ask if it was ok - he just said he'd go with the assumption I'd pick up the slack at home. He's assumed that as I don't need to book A/L this time round as I'm on Maternity then I don't have to be part of the decision making process. Part of me would have thought that seeing as this time round there'll be a second child on the scene he'd realise that him going away for an optional 4 days can't be a unilateral decision that not only does he not discuss with me but he then doesn't bother telling me about either. He knows how hard life was when our current DS was 6 months old so I guess I just expected some consideration in his decision.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 28/06/2017 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsmartell08 · 28/06/2017 08:11

Hmmm
It's different when it's choice imo
Dh has to work away - US/China/Indonesia etc so long haul so he can be away for half the month sometimes.
BUT it's his job. There is no option.
I'm not sure if be happy in your circs op and yanbu to ask him not to go on 2nd school trip.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 28/06/2017 08:27

I suppose like a PO said.....it's been the norm for so long that he goes on the trips that it probably felt like second nature to just agree.

We've been together 8 years and it's never been an issue before so I can understand why he might have felt it wouldn't be an issue this time round either.

I realise things are different pre-kids to post-kids but maybe he just doesn't. I don't know.

There would have been no ill intent behind his agreement to go, I'm just really bothered that I didn't even get a say. It's done now though, there's no point festering.

Hopefully we'll get a really easy baby this time round Smile

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/06/2017 08:38

Book something nice for you and baby

Book some help e.g. hire a cleaner for those two weeks

Book baby into a creche while you have a massage or a sleep
Do all.the shopping online .
Send out all the ironing there are companies who pick up and drop off

You can make life easier while he away.

Then book some time away for you while he on school holidays in the summer.

Nowaynowjose · 28/06/2017 08:41

OP, so it's not selfish to unilaterally make decisions which affect the family, when the only one to benefit is himself? He's just assumed you won't mind him swanning off again while you're at home entertaining through kids. If that's not selfish, it's certainly ignorant.

ManchesterBee · 28/06/2017 08:47

I'm on the fence here.
He definitely should have discussed the extra trip with you. It would be unusual in schools I've worked in for a member of staff to be asked to cover two trips in such a short period.

And those who can't see the difference between being on holiday all inclusive by the swimming pool with no cooking, no cleaning and possibly kids club, certainly stuff to entertain a four year old versus being at home with a six month old baby with all the normal cooking, cleaning and stress of daily life...

crocodilesoup · 28/06/2017 10:53

If either of us has to go away with work we just check dates don't clash but that's it
But Rainbows did you actually have to use your holidays to cover when your dh goes away, and vice versa? This is the set up the OP has.
I can see trips might be more expected of a PE teacher, but OTOH I suspect a female PE teacher with two small children will not go on as many trips as she used to do..