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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go on this school trip....

210 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 13:48

My husband is a teacher and every year in Feb/March time he goes on a Ski Trip with the school for 8 days.

We have a DS and I'm currently pregnant so when he goes on the Ski Trip in 2018 our DS will be just under 4 and the baby will be 6 months old. I have no issues at all with him going on the Ski Trip.

After the Ski Trip he is home for about 10 days and then he and DS are going abroad together for a week which they do at least one half term a year.

In my mind I was mentally thinking that 9 days home alone with a 4 year old and a baby whilst DH goes skiing isn't exactly nice but at least I will get some time to recuperate when DH takes DS away for that week.

Anyway, two days ago DH came home from work and said there's another school trip abroad that he's going on which means he'll be gone for four days Hmm

I asked him when it was and he said it is two days after he's back from the Ski Trip!!! Shock Confused

So now he'll be skiing for 9 days whilst I'm at home on my own with the children, he will be back for two days (and working on those days) and then he will be leaving us all to go abroad again for another four days.

So in the space of 15 days I'm at home with the children on my own for 12 of them whilst he's abroad.

And then two days after he gets back he's then jetting off abroad again with DS for a holiday whilst I'm stuck at home on my own again.

I'm no longer seeing my week at home with just the baby as respite but more as a week of being home alone again to carry out childcare whilst DH is off again!

I will hardly see DH that month.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

It's not that I can't handle the children, of course I can, it will just be hard work and it seems so unfair that he can have all that time away from home/family life whilst I'm no doubt going to be stressed and tired at home.

I feel like telling him that it's not fair to leave us for 9 days, come home for two days and then just leave again for another four days....

I know it's his work but when do I get a break?!

He HAS to go on the Ski Trip so I get that, but this second trip isn't necessary, there are other teachers that could go, so would I be unreasonable to tell him I would rather he didn't go and instead spend some time at home and give me a bit of a break/rest from the children after 9 days of him already being away?

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/06/2017 22:05

Writes which is something she has always been ok with.

Mistressiggi · 26/06/2017 22:06

I was ok with a lot of things dh did before we had children.
Things change.

Rhayader · 26/06/2017 22:15

I have a 4 year old and a 12 month old and my DH was away last week for a week, on Saturday he flies out for another week and then the following Saturday for another week. I also work full time and will have to do all the nursery runs.... somehow...

However, this is part of his job and he does have to do this occasionally. I would be a bit annoyed if it was all jollies, he goes on a work ski trip too (obviously not anytime soon) but I wouldn't stop him from going on it... Just get him to make it up to you in other ways.

Rhayader · 26/06/2017 22:18

Also: my DH would definitely ask me if certain dates were okay, even if he couldn't really get out of it... He's going to miss our anniversary and wants to know if I was okay celebrating it the following week instead (which is fine)

QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/06/2017 22:58

mistress they have a child already and knew another was on the way and the op didn't say how It affected her staying at home with the kids. In fairness I think it's on of those "oh shit it's hit me how hard this will be" moments. Either way her husband wasn't to know how she felt and all it took was telling him and it's resolved.

To be fair I couldn't handle my two on my own 🙈 Fortunately for now we both don't work, and he has chosen to be stay at home dad while I go to college. Freedom here I come lol

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/06/2017 23:06

Either way her husband wasn't to know how she felt and all it took was telling him and it's resolved

It won't be resolved though because I doubt very much he will be able to get out of it now all the bookings and flights are already finalised.

If he'd spoken to me about it when he was first asked to go I could have said then that I'd prefer it if he didn't but instead he agreed to it and didn't tell me about it until a few months later where it's now too late for him to pull out.

He said he will speak to the Headmaster tomorrow but I'm not hopeful and I think DH knows that realistically he will still be going.

He seems genuinely sorry though so I'm not going to drag it out because it is what it is.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 26/06/2017 23:11

I'd be pissed off with having to do more work so he can go off on another break when I get none.

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 26/06/2017 23:35

It's highly annoying that he booked it without asking you but surely preferable that he goes on this trip to the October one so you don't have to take AL?

YANBU to feel miffed but I think the best thing to do now is figure out how you can get something positive out of the set up.

I promise you the week with just the baby will feel like a massive break compared to looking after 2 children. And I agree with the poster who said why not book something special for you and baby while DH and DS are away? Visit friends, get a nice hotel room somewhere and curl up with baby in huge comfy bed, go to the cinema during nap time...

Incidentally I went to Eurodisney a while back and the teachers supervising trips looked like they were experiencing an inner circle of hell.

HiJenny35 · 27/06/2017 00:50

YABU he's not going on holiday it's work.
PE teachers are often expected to attend these sorts of trip and the trip would have to have at least one man for health and safety reasons (one of both genders if boys and girls are going, well at least in my school that's the regulation for any residential trip).
It's two weeks, and you've already said he takes your child away in his own on a different week. He's hardly heading off with the lads to Ibiza! I think you just sound a bit jealous that you aren't getting to go, understandable but unreasonable. I've got a 4 year old and a 6 month old and I wouldn't dream of telling oh not to go, hopefully he will get some free time and have a nice time, why wouldn't you want him to go and have a great holiday? It's not 'I'm tired and bored so you should be too!'

AvoidingCallenetics · 27/06/2017 07:10

The root of this is that you are using your annual leave to facilitate non essential jollys work trips and he is taking you so much for granted that he doesn't even bother running it by you first!
That absolutely has to stop. Why should you use 40% of your AL so he can go skiing etc and then when you are back at work, he has 13 weeks off to continue doing what he likes?
I'd be saying a firm no to all of this in future. Just because he has always done the ski trip, it doesn't mean he always has to. He has children now and hopefully a less amenable wife. Let someone else have a go. He can say what thousands of women end up saying at work, which is 'sorry, can't go this year as I don't have childcare'.

MaisyPops · 27/06/2017 07:11

It's annoying, yes.

But equally it's a bit much to talk about these trips like he's on some kind of stress free holiday whilst you're frazzled and working really hard.

Plus, some of that time he is away with YOUR child, not a school trip. So it's a bit much to include that in the 'time I'm not getting a break' because you've said yourself he does that every year and you'll only have the baby for that bit which will be easier than 2 kids.

crocodilesoup · 27/06/2017 10:20

The financial cost to your family of each trip is whatever your weekly wage is, seeing you are spending paid holidays on this extra childminding. Can you afford this amount twice a year?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 11:09

The financial cost to your family of each trip is whatever your weekly wage is, seeing you are spending paid holidays on this extra childminding.

I'm not sure what you mean crocodile - we don't spend any extra money on childcare whilst he's away. I'm at home because I have to take Annual Leave when he goes.

OP posts:
crocodilesoup · 27/06/2017 12:29

But annual leave can only be used once - you are not sacrificing the salary for that week (as it's paid leave I assume) but you have sacrificed the opportunity to have that paid time off at another time of your actual choosing. And he cannot go if you do not do this - there is an expectation that you will lose leave to facilitate his being out of the house. If you weren't willing to, he would have to pay for more childcare. What would happen if you go into work and they say you can't get those particular dates off? (Not applying when on ML obviously but it's the principle). Time is money.

RatherBemused · 27/06/2017 12:41

Surely most working parents with children don't take leave at times of their choosing? They take it when it's necessary to cover childcare; exactly as OP is doing.

In fact OP is in a much better place than most because when her DC is at school she actually will be able to take leave when she wants as DH will be available for all the school holidays.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 12:43

Oh I see what you mean now.

If you weren't willing to, he would have to pay for more childcare.

He wouldn't because DS cannot go into childcare whilst DH is away because we have nobody to take him or pick him up in DH's absence. On days I'm at work I leave the house at 06.40 and aren't back until about 21.30pm so with no DH around we're screwed. I am not physically able to work whilst DH is away hence why I'm forced to take Annual Leave. It does really annoy me actually because I should be able to take my leave when I want it and for reasons that benefit me, not because I'm forced to due to his extra curricular things.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 27/06/2017 12:56

So why are you ok with your husband sorting out childcare for your son which you said you want if it can't be done?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 12:56

What?

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 27/06/2017 13:00

What part don't you understand? (Not being a twat genuinely asking so I can make it clearer).

QuackPorridgeBacon · 27/06/2017 13:01

In fact reading back I see my mistake. Ignore my last comment about childcare.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 13:04

.....which you said you want if it can't be done?

It was this bit I was confused about initially but I now see that the 'it can't be done' was referring to if it's too late for DH to get out of this trip and do the October one instead Smile

OP posts:
Itsjustaphase2016 · 27/06/2017 13:10

But if he works anyway and you're at home, don't you do most of the childcare solo anyway? My DH is always away and we have a 4,2 and a baby and it's a bit sad in the evening but day to day makes no difference really. Just arrange lotsof nice things to do and mates to meet up with etc etc. And honestly, your older child will really not be much hard work by then. Teaching can be pretty stressful and dull at times so these trips really are a shining light! I've done both teaching and staying at home with kids,and teaching is ALOT harder and more stressful, trust me

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 13:35

We both work itsjustaphase or so you mean that whilst on Maternity Leave I will be doing most of the childcare solo anyway?

If you mean the latter then yes I will, but at least when he's gone he comes home at 5pm and I can get a breather and we can share the bath times and bedtimes etc and have equal 'time outs' during the weekend.

I guess I'm just not looking forward to doing it all 24:7 with no help, no time away and no sharing of the load for two weeks. Just the thought of it drains me. I suppose it would be different if I had friends and family round who could watch the children for a few hours just so I could go for a walk or something to have some time out, but I don't really have that option either.

It is what it is though, it can't be changed now so I'll just suck it up and wait for a chance for me to get my revenge Grin

OP posts:
crocodilesoup · 27/06/2017 13:52

I am meaning a scenario where you didn't exist, or refused to/could not help - the only way he could attend is by paying extra childcare. People can be paid to do out of hours care. He is reliant on your good will (to the point that he doesn't even inform you when there is a trip he wants to sign up for).
At six months my dc2 slept for 2.5 hours at a time. That was it. I could cope with one bout of hm being away, but not two.
DP and I are teachers and neither of us has done an overnight trip since dcs were born. We might as they grow but we would both know it was a big ask of the other parent.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2017 14:28

That's my problem too crocodile - my son was an horrendous sleeper until we sleep trained him at 9 months old. When he was 6 months old (so the age DC2 will be when DH is away) I was existing on maybe 4 or 5 hours of broken sleep a day....things were really, really bad. I'm so worried it's going to be the same this time round and I will have no support from DH (practical or emotional) because he's away and I have to deal with our other child too. My experience/memories of our son at 6 months old is definitely making things seems worse.

OP posts:
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