To ask DH not to go on this school trip....

[Writerwannabe83]

My husband is a teacher and every year in Feb/March time he goes on a Ski Trip with the school for 8 days.

We have a DS and I'm currently pregnant so when he goes on the Ski Trip in 2018 our DS will be just under 4 and the baby will be 6 months old. I have no issues at all with him going on the Ski Trip.

After the Ski Trip he is home for about 10 days and then he and DS are going abroad together for a week which they do at least one half term a year.

In my mind I was mentally thinking that 9 days home alone with a 4 year old and a baby whilst DH goes skiing isn't exactly nice but at least I will get some time to recuperate when DH takes DS away for that week.

Anyway, two days ago DH came home from work and said there's another school trip abroad that he's going on which means he'll be gone for four days

I asked him when it was and he said it is two days after he's back from the Ski Trip!!!

So now he'll be skiing for 9 days whilst I'm at home on my own with the children, he will be back for two days (and working on those days) and then he will be leaving us all to go abroad again for another four days.

So in the space of 15 days I'm at home with the children on my own for 12 of them whilst he's abroad.

And then two days after he gets back he's then jetting off abroad again with DS for a holiday whilst I'm stuck at home on my own again.

I'm no longer seeing my week at home with just the baby as respite but more as a week of being home alone again to carry out childcare whilst DH is off again!

I will hardly see DH that month.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

It's not that I can't handle the children, of course I can, it will just be hard work and it seems so unfair that he can have all that time away from home/family life whilst I'm no doubt going to be stressed and tired at home.

I feel like telling him that it's not fair to leave us for 9 days, come home for two days and then just leave again for another four days....

I know it's his work but when do I get a break?!

He HAS to go on the Ski Trip so I get that, but this second trip isn't necessary, there are other teachers that could go, so would I be unreasonable to tell him I would rather he didn't go and instead spend some time at home and give me a bit of a break/rest from the children after 9 days of him already being away?

But the OP is off on maternity so no work to consider or annual leave to use.

We just check neither is already away or far from home should school call etc, we don't seek permission or ask the other to heavens firbud care for their own chidren.

He knew it meant I'd be home with the children for 13 days out of 15 and he didn't even bother to ask if it was ok
But isn't part of that because he is taking YOUR child away?

This is where I struggle with your reason to be annoyed.

The whole time he is away ISN'T school. Part of it is a holiday with his OWN CHILD and you're acting like you looking after the baby is a rough deal whilst he swans around the place but he's looking after your other child (and yet for some reason that doesn't count).

By all means be irritated he didn't talk to you about the 2nd school trip, but don't try to lump the agreed holiday he has with YOUR child in with that time away to make it sound like he's abandoning you for ages.

No Maisypops, that's another holiday that comes a week or two later!
Rainbow this year there is no leave required, true, it's not just about this year though. I think we've established it isn't as easy as checking the other person isn't away when one person has to book annual leave to cover it.

There's no point insisting he stays home if you are still up 4 times a night, there's no point staying with family if it's not a great break for you. Ii could be worth you arranging a weekend writing course away in a few months time or something else you could look forward to and will enjoy, leaving DH in charge.

He knew it meant I'd be home with the children for 13 days out of 15 and he didn't even bother to ask if it was ok....

But isn't part of that because he is taking YOUR child away?

No Missy, the 13 days is when I am at home with the children. He's going away with our DS about a week after he's back from his two school trips.

We just check neither is already away or far from home should school call etc, we don't seek permission or ask the other to heavens firbud care for their own chidren

The issue Rainbow is that there was no discussion at all.

He knew he was out the country for 9 days and then decided to go on another four day trip abroad without even discussing it with me.

He agreed to it months ago without bothering to ask me if it was ok and then only told me about it a few days ago as though it was a sone deal.

The issue isn't that I'm looking after my children, it's the fact there was just no regard for me whatsoever.

If you honestly think it's ok for a man with two young children to agree to go on a four day trip abroad, straight after coming back from a 9 day trip abroad, without even discussing it with his wife first and then not even tell her about it for another two months, then you're a more tolerant person than I am (obviously)

Lucky for him he enjoys those trips, DH is a teacher, and does not "swan about abroad", he is usually dog tired and stressed out after dealing 24/7 with teenage dramas, A&E visits, vomiting kids on buses/ferries, lost phones, bullying and then just the usual stuff (logistics,of the trip), he has never had a "holiday" out of a school trip...

But, yes, he should have checked with you about the 2nd trip.... tbh, Eurodisney whilst responsible for loads of kids would be my idea of hell, does he actually enjoy it ?

I know you say he isn't selfish Writer, but you said yourself he didn't run it past you first because he knew you'd ask him not to go. Now it's a done deal - he'll take the bollocking off you but he still gets what he wants in the end. That is selfish.
Maybe he truly is lovely in every other way - only you can say, but this quiet manipulation is something to keep an eye on. Call me cynical but I would be surprised if it only ever manifested itself over this one issue.
Have you said to him what was suggested upthread about your AL no longer being available to cover his trips?

OP YANBU but by the sounds of it he was just being thoughtless as it's been normal for him for years just to agree to trips. I think you should let it go for this trip but have a proper chat about it and make it very clear that all future overnight trips for either parent need to be run by the other as a courtesy before agreeing. And use it as leverage for a decent break for yourself in the future.

And for all those saying how hard trips are, yes they are exhausting and a big responsibility, but they are still a hell of a lot more fun than being stuck at home with small DC on your own. Especially activity trips like the ski one where you get long breaks while the instructors are in charge. Not a holiday, but great fun and a good laugh if you have nice kids and colleagues.

crocodilesoup Ah right!

Writerwannabe83 Sorry about that. I'd read it (well misread it!) as part of that time was when he was with your child which is why I was like 'come on you're being a bit sensitive'.

Fair do. That's quite a bit of time away. He should have spoken to you about it.

I'm speaking to DH about me doing a trip in over a years time. Most trips I've done that aren't international usually have a few months notice. I've only ever done a short notice one when a colleague went into premature labour so I was asked as stand in.