To ask DH not to go on this school trip....

[Writerwannabe83]

My husband is a teacher and every year in Feb/March time he goes on a Ski Trip with the school for 8 days.

We have a DS and I'm currently pregnant so when he goes on the Ski Trip in 2018 our DS will be just under 4 and the baby will be 6 months old. I have no issues at all with him going on the Ski Trip.

After the Ski Trip he is home for about 10 days and then he and DS are going abroad together for a week which they do at least one half term a year.

In my mind I was mentally thinking that 9 days home alone with a 4 year old and a baby whilst DH goes skiing isn't exactly nice but at least I will get some time to recuperate when DH takes DS away for that week.

Anyway, two days ago DH came home from work and said there's another school trip abroad that he's going on which means he'll be gone for four days

I asked him when it was and he said it is two days after he's back from the Ski Trip!!!

So now he'll be skiing for 9 days whilst I'm at home on my own with the children, he will be back for two days (and working on those days) and then he will be leaving us all to go abroad again for another four days.

So in the space of 15 days I'm at home with the children on my own for 12 of them whilst he's abroad.

And then two days after he gets back he's then jetting off abroad again with DS for a holiday whilst I'm stuck at home on my own again.

I'm no longer seeing my week at home with just the baby as respite but more as a week of being home alone again to carry out childcare whilst DH is off again!

I will hardly see DH that month.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

It's not that I can't handle the children, of course I can, it will just be hard work and it seems so unfair that he can have all that time away from home/family life whilst I'm no doubt going to be stressed and tired at home.

I feel like telling him that it's not fair to leave us for 9 days, come home for two days and then just leave again for another four days....

I know it's his work but when do I get a break?!

He HAS to go on the Ski Trip so I get that, but this second trip isn't necessary, there are other teachers that could go, so would I be unreasonable to tell him I would rather he didn't go and instead spend some time at home and give me a bit of a break/rest from the children after 9 days of him already being away?

Avoiding I wondered when the trips were taking place too? But given that the DH is taking his own child away in half-term, both of these trips are taking place in term time? I get the ski-ing one but Eurodisney in term time seems an unusual choice?

DH is a teacher, this would mildly irk me but I'd not ask him not to go.

I'd rather be at home alone with the kids than supervise a school trip abroad, they're as far from a holiday as you get.

Not being unreasonable at all.

I was (am lucky) that my husband understands that being at home alone with small children all day is a million times harder than a job.

He is a head chef in a busy hotel, but the minute he got home from the 15 hour days or on any days off he would be like 'go out, or go to bed, or do want you want. I got this.' and completely step up to all childcare and household chores.

Ultimately, we can all pitch in with what works for us, but only you know how you feel. The only unreasonable thing would be for you not to communicate how you feel to your DP and then resent him.

If it was me, I'd be like 'er no love, no skiiing trip this year, you've done it for last 10 years but you have another newborn and I'm sure the school will understand'' but you're not even doing that, you're already being a million times more 'reasonable' than I would!

Good luck with the new baby :)

YANBU.

My DH has to travel sometimes for work. It's an absolute necessity and I knew that before we had kids.

I hate it when he's away and often go and stay with my parents. I don't expect them to help with my children (2 and 6 weeks) but they love to help out and I just like the adult company.

My DH knows I would much rather he were at home and he goes out of his way to minimise the impact on us. He'll fly at unsociable hours so that he's away for a little time as possible and doesn't do the weekends of sightseeing that he used to. He is open with his customers that he has a family to consider. I really appreciate this and think it's the way it should be.

Wouldn't bother me. He's a teacher so at home an awful lot more than the majority of people. In not that many weeks he'll be home for the summer and by the end of it you'll probably be glad he's back at work [tongue in cheek]. It really isn't that hard on your own. My DH works away every week, and I did the whole two under two thing. You'll get your own routine pretty quickly.

Is the skiing the only type of school holiday he usually does?

Given how leisurely the ski trips are, EuroDisney may be a bracing shock to the system in comparison!

Nope, I would not be happy with this at all and it sounds quite selfish of him to agree to this.
I'm an ex teacher, now SAHM. What he is doing will put extra pressure on the family for no reason. Someone else should do the second trip.
Looking after 2 little ones is hard work!

Just say no. As as teacher it is annoying when the same staff go on more than one trip, they are hard to "break into"!
He has other responsibilities now.

If it's too much for you, it's too much for you.

And whoever said he'll be paid extra, it doesn't work like that!

And doesn't he have GCSE classes? They'll be missing an awful lot of lessons with him, if they do, so I'd be surprised if work pushed him into it.

It's not like he'll be having a mad fun time supervising a bunch of kids, and probably he'll get some extra pay that will be handy if you've just had a baby?
you are joking aren't you? Teachers don't get extra pay for school trips. In fact they often have to pay extra childcare to go on them. This teacher won't though as he has a doormat wife at home to do it for him. OP, show him he has to take account of your needs (and his dcs) as well as his own from now on and put your foot down.

He always does the Ski Trip every year but also does at least one other trip a year, either the Euro Trip or a trip to Barcelona. All the trips take place in term time.

The classes of his that he is absent for are just taken instead by his colleague from the same subject.

DH and DS go away without me once a year because it's not possible for me to get all the half terms off which is obviously the only time DH can have off. We still always have 1 or 2 family holidays a year on top of the one trip he has away with DS.

I'm trying to think back over all the other questions that have been asked...

For one of those weeks you cite, he is looking after one child whilst you look after the other. How is that a break for him, but not a break for you?

Because he's in an All Inclusive Hotel, no cleaning, no cooking, there's a lovely pool, a beach nearby and lovely places to spend the day.

I on the other hand will be stuck at home with all the jobs/chores that brings alongside looking after a 6 month old who knowing my luck will still be up 4 times a night.

I'm pretty sure DH will be more rested during his week than I will be during mine.....

It wouldn't bother me but it does bother you and thats what is important here. Have you told him you're not happy?
Why doesn't he take DS away in october half term instead? Then he will get his work trips out of the way in one go IYSWIM

School trips were one of the (many) reasons I left teaching. Not because I didn't love the time with the children or value the opportunities (and many of those kids will never see a ski again in their lives) but because I physically couldn't do the 24 hour multiple day constantly on duty, constantly dozing rather than sleeping, stress of being personally responsible for those kids without being ill any more. And because in the schools I worked in, it really wasn't that easy to say no . There were only certain staff with the experience and the skills to do it, who could also be spared from running the school day to day without everything going to hell in their absence or affecting exam year groups etc etc etc. So the same people got pressured to do it all the time.

Knowing that redundancy notices have gone out in some schools in my area today, knowing job opportunities for promotions etc can also mean needing to be 'available' for absolutely bloody everything, I just wonder is dh feeling pressured by the school to take this on? If not, and the second trip is truly optional and easy to say no to, then YANBY.

Either way YANBU to be tearing your hair at this amount of time alone with two kids that age. Can grandparents or friends take the four year old for a stay in that time to give you a break?

It would be a big fat 'how dare you even suggest that' from me if DH suggested this. Are you not willing or allowed to say no?

I think it's because we've never stopped each other from doing anything - it's always been give and take, he does things alone, so do I etc so we've never had to stop each other from doing something they wanted to. Being in a situation now where I feel like I want to tell him he can't go, or even ask him not to go, is just a bit alien to me.

It's not a "jolly" or "fun" or a "holiday" for the supervising teachers.

It's part of the job and is expected. And.. extra pay for it? Seriously, what planet?

This wouldn't bother me. I knew before we got married that DH's job required a fair bit of travel, often at very short (ie. no notice).

When DC1 was four months old, a one week business trip ended up dragging out to four weeks due to some unforeseen circumstances. The same thing happened when DC2 came along. At least the ski and Disney trips have a definite start and end date.

Thankfully DH was/is a fantastic dad the rest of the time and used to basically take over the DC when he was (back) home. I used to go away about once or twice a year for an activity I was involved in, leaving DH to parent on his own, so I guess it sort of evened out.

If you want to "even" things up, then arrange with DH for you to either go away on your own, or take DC1 to an all inclusive place similar to the one he takes the DC to.

Presumably it's a private school? I've never heard of a state one who ran their ski trip during term time (for good reason; I actually think this is quite a shocking thing for them to do). Is the Eurodisney trip in some way linked to the curriculum (is he a geography or languages teacher)? My husband is a languages teacher and it would be really frowned upon if he said he wouldn't go on the exchange or annual year 8 trip but I think that's because it's directly part of their curriculum. The 'enrichment' trips - which are always in the holidays! - are much more optional.

Will you be back at work then? Just wondering why you couldn't go with him and your son if not.

here were only certain staff with the experience and the skills to do it, who could also be spared from running the school day to day without everything going to hell in their absence or affecting exam year groups etc....

I do think this is part of the problem.

DH is a PE teacher, your typical big built, over 6ft tall type and the students know he doesn't take any sh*t so I think DH is asked to go on the trips in order to keep the bad kids in line. That probably sounds quite sexist but I imagine they may think that if the 16 year old lads start messing around having DH there may prevent the situations from escalating.

I don't think he's pressured to go but I imagine he's frequently asked to go.

Maybe he does feel pressured though, I don't know.

I think you've got the better deal out of the two of you

Dad the OP has already said that the ski trip is essentially a holiday.

Personally, I wouldn't want the stress of looking after numerous kids at disney but OP's dh seems to prefer this idea to staying home with his own family!

So if he usually does the Euro trip does that mean that this year it's just bad timing that it's so close to the ski trip? To be honest the fact that he gets all school holidays off to help id quite happily suck up an extra 4 nights away during term time!!

margaret - no it's not a Private School and he is a PE teacher.

Will you be back at work then? Just wondering why you couldn't go with him and your son if not.

I won't be back at work but the holiday was booked/paid for before I was even pregnant. We have previously considered changing the booking and adding me on but whilst on Maternity Pay we couldn't really afford the extra flight and the cost of changes to bookings/rooms etc. I was disappointed but we are all going away in the Summer so I didn't let it get to me too much.

Hmmmm. Tricky. My DH is away with work far more frequently than you've outlined so it wouldn't bother me but it's tough if you ar ny used to it.

He didn't do the Euro Trip last year but he did in 2015 and it was very close to the Ski Trip that year too. I didn't mind it that time round really though as we only had DS and he was about 13 months old and pretty easy to deal with.

On the years he doesn't do the Euro Trip he does the Barcelona Trip in the October instead which I think is during their half term as opposed to in term time.

He never does all three trips though, he tends to alternate each year which extra one he does.