AIBU to wonder about choosing NOT to have kids?

[indecisivepoppy]

I always thought I wanted a baby and have been TTC for a while (more than six months), but to no avail. I've now started pondering... do I actually want to have DCs? No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves? It's not like the world actually needs anymore people in it. What are your thoughts? Do those of you who chose not to have DCs regret it? If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them? Has your marriage suffered? Part of me wonders if these feelings of apathy / uncertainty are being prompted by not getting pregnant quickly and trying to protect myself from the possibility that we might not be able to conceive.

I don't have children and I never will have children.

I didn't really make a decision about it, I just always knew I wouldn't have children in the same way some women say that they always knew they would.

I actually find it really puzzling that people do choose to have children for all the reasons you've listed above and more.

There's a lot of social pressure on people (women especially) to have children, or at least to want to have children. It is really difficult when you get to a certain age and people feel it's okay to hint about you having children or just ask your outright.

TBH, I don't think it's wise to "decide" to have children the way you'd "decide" on getting a Volvo. My friend who has three children always says that if you sit down and think about it and make a list of "pros" and "cons" no-one would ever have children ever. It's an "emotional", rather than practical, decision (obviously when to have children is the practical bit!)

Like you, I always thought I wanted kids (eventually) but after I'd TTC unsuccessfully for 6 months I found myself pondering exactly the same questions. I'd reached the point where I'd almost resigned myself to it not happening (I'm pushing 40) and told myself I'd be okay with that. Then, 10 days ago, I found out I was pregnant!

Of course, life is going to get a whole lot more complicated - I'll be sleep deprived and skint, my immaculate house will be chaotic and I'll get much less quality time with my husband and friends. Despite this, I do believe the feeling of fulfilment I'll experience will outweigh this - for years, as enjoyable as my life has been, I've had a nagging sense that something is missing and I now know that my efforts to tell myself I'd be okay without children were indeed an attempt to protect myself, should it never happen.

I've had a nagging sense that something is missing

This is really crucial. Do you feel like that, OP?

I've never felt anything close to this. In fact, every year that goes by I feel more complete and fulfilled in my life. Each year the thought of children is a little more horrendous.

Congratulations, catra

Yes as somebody else has said there are a ton of practical reasons not to have children and very few practical reasons to have them!

But it's the emotional reasons that are important. For me, I know that I struggle mentally to look after myself. I have a history of depression and anxiety and just to stay well, I have to do a lot of self-care - I need that weekend lie-in, or that spontaneous run, or that long bath. I need a lot of space and time to myself and I just know that there is no mental room for a child. I'd absolutely love to be an auntie, or willing babysitter to a friend, I love kids, but I know having my own is not right for me.

My main worry is that I will be the end of my family tree. There will be no trace of me left, nobody will remember me. But then after a few generations, that's probably true of us all.

I never wanted children, then I got to mid-30s and had a 'it's now or never' panic. I have a 19 month old now and she's great, but hard work. We're not having any more

I have three. I like them all lot but it is a big task and one that radically alters the way that you navigate through life. I didn't fall into this, each child was carefully considered but there are times when you count down the minutes to bedtime. My marriage is strong but I do feel sad that we no longer have the abundance of time and enough emotional energy left to be in love.

And I wouldn't change it. But I REALLY wanted children, I enjoy the company of my children, I am lucky in having a good balance between work and home. If I had been on the fence about this I can imagine feeling quite trapped by the weight of responsibility.

A lot of people will tell you that they didn't think they wanted kids, but their lives were far better once they had them.

Not me. I never wanted them and at 43 I'm still certain I made the right decision.

If I'd known dh was going to leave me I'd never had had them.

By my reckoning, nearly half of all mothers end up parenting alone. I could be wrong, but the divorce rate is 40-odd percent, the splitting up rate for non-married couples is probably at least the same, and in broken families where both parents are alive, it's overwhelmingly the mother who has the dc.

I'm sorry to say 'broken', I always hated that description as a child, but right now broken sums up the situation pretty well for me and my dc.

I have 3 and I honestly believe my life started when I had them. I was happy before I had them but I feel complete with them. I'm a SATM and I feel very fulfilled. I'm very lucky my children are lovely people lots of other people have told me they are as well

How did you feel when you decided to TTC? Did you have a definite desire to have DC that has now faded? Or did it mostly just feel like you should be doing it - the next step in your relationship/got to a certain age?

Having DC has been the best thing I have done, my life is 100 times better for having them in it. My relationship hasn't suffered. But that is me and my life, it has no bearing on how it would be for you. Deciding not to have children is a perfectly understandable choice.

No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves?

I really hate when people wheel out this tired cliche, as if its a fact. And how the fuck would you know anyway?
I have multiple children. I also have money, plenty of lie ins, my marriage is great and I see my friends more than enough. My body is not ruined either, thanks very much.
I have no idea what you might do to yourself, but please stop talking complete shit you know nothing about.

I said to someone about parenthood the other day - you have a really cool new person in your life who you love more than anything and is awesome, BUT that's about the only good thing - the rest of your life becomes pretty shit to be honest. And of course you'd willingly go through that shit ten times over for your child, but if you'd not had them you wouldn't need to...It is a huge sacrifice - i don't regret it but I'm not sure I appreciated the enormity of it beforehand. Having said that, I'm relatively early on in this, so remain optimistic that it may become a little less arduous!

LiveLongAndProspero There was definitely no need to be so aggressive to OP. It's a point that could easily be made politely.

@MaryJObliged I didn't really make a decision about it, I just always knew I wouldn't have children in the same way some women say that they always knew they would

This x 1000. If you, OP, don't have that nagging feeling then I'd suggest you consider whether you go ahead with children very cautiously indeed.

I'm not remotely aggressive, thank you. I'm sick of being told that having kids must have ruined my life, especially be people who don't have any.

OP was pretty rude herself.

“Like you, I always thought I wanted kids (eventually) but after I'd TTC unsuccessfully for 6 months I found myself pondering exactly the same questions”

Same here. We had infertility investigations and I was told that I was very unlikely to get pregnant and even more unlikely to carry a baby to full term. Because I was so ambivalent about having children I just put it out of my mind and did things I would never have been able to do had I had children. I also never felt that I was missing out. I had 5 nephews/nieces and we had two adorable cats and felt that my life was complete.

Then I unexpectedly found myself pregnant at 41. DD is now 16 and in her penultimate year at school.

In terms of having children, it changed our lives massively - not the better nor worse, just different. And of course our priorities changed.

I must admit I have never felt broody and really don’t understand women who post on MN saying how desperate they are for a 4th /5th/6th child.

Fair enough LiveLong but if we all just countered rudeness with more rudeness the world would be a pretty unpleasant place! Personally I think the OP was at least partially aware these are cliches and is probably keen to hear opinions to the contrary so hopefully your perspective will be helpful.

I really don't appreciate being told how to post, so I'm finding you quite rude yourself.

I didn't want to have children but didn't want to not have children more.

LiveLong I read the OP as being quite tongue in cheek about those cliches.

I also read it to mean that although not all women will experience all of these issues, the control is taken out of your hands when you have children. For example, although some children will sleep wonderfully until late morning so you can have lie-ins, it's not guaranteed and there's nothing you can do about it.

Related to the financial aspect, I think the cliche of not having as much money to spend is true but I think there's a deeper level to this that actually there's a lot more risk associated with not having money. If a child-free person loses their job they can bugger off and live in a tent eating nothing but jaffa cakes to save money if they want to but if you have children losing your job is a much bigger issue (children can't easily be uprooted to move, you still need to feed them decent food etc.)

My situation is slightly different in that I had one DS who took just over a year to conceive and during that time I knew with absolute certainty that that was what I wanted.

Then when DS was 2.5 we started TTC for another baby (my posts are out there on the conception boards somewhere I have no doubt, ) however this time around we experienced secondary infertility and I was unable to conceive. The issue was said to be with my then DH who had a very low sperm count, but I didn't want to go down the route of invasive treatments such as IVF as I felt that having one child meant I ought to be grateful for what I had rather than regretting what I didn't iyswim.

Anyway, we ttc unsuccessfully for six years and then I went away for a week, and while I was away I had an epiphany where I decided that I wanted to go back to work, do more for me and most importantly, that the time for having another baby had well and truly passed. It was like turning off a switch, and that urge to have another baby had gone.

Fast forward another two years and me and H split. I have a new partner now, and I know that he would have wanted children if the opportunity had been there, but for me it was gone and was a frank discussion we had very early on. My ds is 14.5 now and I'm 43 and there is no desire to have any more babies - ever, and actually I am glad that I never fell pregnant earlier on as things would have been so much harder with two than with one. Added to which I now have some fairly serious health problems and again, two children would have been harder to manage in light of those, although of course if I'd been successful in having another baby life would have been different. But it is very much an emotional decision IME, you want a baby or you don't, there are always practical reasons to either have or not to have children.

Ironically my eXH has an almost two year old with his new partner, and the idea that he will be into his 60's and parenting a teenager is one which makes me gasp. . But it's his life and his decision, it not being for me doesn't make it wrong for someone else iyswim - you have to do what works for you

liveLongAndProsperoe your tone is unnecessary. Did the OP have a dig at you personally? No? Then perhaps you need to stop projecting your own feelings here. You're not obliged to read the thread just so you can snipe your own projections at the OP.

I have always wanted children. And I'm glad I had DD but, I wasn't really prepared for how much it drains you at times.
DD is currently ill and it's heartbreaking that I can't do anything for her (this is what I mean by draining). Your life for a while gets fully consumed by this little person - you can't just pop to the shop as easily etc.

Before I had DD I didn't understand why people wouldn't want to (I still can't fully) but I appreciate that actually, if you don't want kids then don't have them due to weird peer pressure.

Im not sure that people who decided not to have kids then regret it later would readily admit it to their friends/family as it's such a big decision that can't really be reversed.

Have you discussed not having kids with your DP? As his is the only opinion that really matters (along with yours).
I think that if one person in a relationship wants one and the other doesn't then you would need to discuss it as I think being pressured either way can be quite damaging (not saying you/your DP would pressure each other)

Don't remember when i stopped saying i was too young to have children, and started saying I was too old....

Looking back, though, I had loads of other things I wanted to do, so having children never got prioritised. I relied in the idea that if some part of me wanted children, it would speak up. I didn't know many people who wanted children, certainly wasn't close to any once they did. People who do / do not want children seem to gravitate together, to reinforce each other's approaches. OH wasn't all that keen, already had two but said he would support me if i wanted them. I was glad to have the option but had zero impetus to go for it.

I would sincerely wish for a world where every child ever was a wanted child.

I appreciate that you are probably just trying to convince yourself and cheer yourself up because ttc is a battle for you but No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... none of this is necessarily true in my experience and I have two children. We do have money and made sure we could afford our children. Both children are under two and DH's alarm clock for work wakes me each morning; not the children. I have no stretch marks or sagging and am still a size 8. We now have fun family weekend events and see far more of our other family than before we had the children; beforehand we would often work more and have different hobbies. I still see and chat to all of my friends.