AIBU to wonder about choosing NOT to have kids?

[indecisivepoppy]

I always thought I wanted a baby and have been TTC for a while (more than six months), but to no avail. I've now started pondering... do I actually want to have DCs? No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves? It's not like the world actually needs anymore people in it. What are your thoughts? Do those of you who chose not to have DCs regret it? If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them? Has your marriage suffered? Part of me wonders if these feelings of apathy / uncertainty are being prompted by not getting pregnant quickly and trying to protect myself from the possibility that we might not be able to conceive.

I have 2,wished I'd stayed childless to be honest,my mental health has suffered tremendously since they came along and it's certainly not fair to them.

I read it as "trying to cheer myself up" not "attacking livelong and other mums."

In fact I'm almost chuckling in a dark way that someone has effectively posted "I don't seem to be able to get pregnant, can't you reassure me it's not the end of the world", and someone's said "it's the best thing ever and there are no down sides how dare you judge it". Empathy or what!

I am 63, OH is 60 and we have never ever regretted our choice not to have children.

Our main concern was that this planet is overpopulated and we both felt it is not a very nice place to bring children into.

We have been married 37 years and and are very happy and still very much in love. We have seen almost all our friends that had children divorce and most of them say they think having children was what ruined their marriage.

We also have quite a few friends who chose not to have children and almost all of them are still married. Might be coincidence but we don't think so

That's intersting User1480459555. None of our friends who don't have children have split up, and all of them have been married for over 20 years.

In contrary to user's post, DP and I have a new baby and I have fallen in love with him all over again. We have a bond now we never had before, a togetherness I couldn't have imagined. I'd have been extremely unhappy if pre baby someone had insinuated that our relationship was somehow 'lesser' for not having children. But there is an added dimension when you have created life together that can't be ignored.

I don't want children.

I've never wanted them - for all the reasons you mention and that I don't want them to inherit some (which some people may consider mild or a risk worth taking) illnesses that run in my family.

I could cope with being with someone who already has children but I find the idea of pregnancy revolting tbh. Not a mainstream view but it's how I feel.

I probably shouldn't be commenting here because I only have the one. (We wanted more but wasn't medically possible.)

Also, I never really wanted "children" in abstract but I did very much want my husband's children.

Anyway op, the answer imho to ">why do we do it to ourselves?" in a nutshell, it boils down to LOVE.

Yes, you hear about all the difficulties and challenges on here and they should not be underestimated - but one doesn't hear as much about the positive side - because it is unfathomable/difficult to describe/impenetrable - but no less powerful for that.

For me, the entire world "clicked" once I had had a child. It's a constant challenge, you are no longer in control as you once were, it is the oft-spoken about roller-coaster, and emotionally draining x 1000, but parenting challenges you to learn a lot about life and learn a lot about yourself and takes you down many unexpected avenues.

Above all that is the fact that you and the person you love most in the world have created a complete, unique, individual human being, for whom you would gladly and without thought or hesitation throw yourself under a bus!

That's not a small thing.

It's utterly life-changing. It can be at the same time utterly wonderful and utterly dreadful all bundled up in the same moment. But above all, imho, it is a blessing and a privilege.

Having said all that, whether I would be saying the same thing if I had five dc I don't know! But I came from a large family and feel that all the things a family (ideally!!) provides such as love, warmth, stability, selflessness, etc etc are all ultimately worth so much more than money, lie-ins, a wobbly stomach etc etc. Easy for me to say perhaps when I do get the odd lie-in though I suppose!

These are just my own personal opinions however. Each to their own! I just wanted to put the counter argument because you (understandably) hear so much about the other side on here (it being a parenting support site).

I hope things work out for you op whatever you decide

No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves?

I have 2 DC, aged 3.5 and nearly 2. We have plenty of money, we share lie ins, my body is fine (weigh the same as I did pre children, my belly button never quite went back to normal but it's not horrendous!), our marriage is great and we both make time for our friends.
It's not all doom and gloom or none of us would do it!

OP all those things are true.... but they are the light of my life.

I've always loved/wanted children. However, I don't think I'll ever choose to have them myself for two main reasons.

1. My ambitions/dreams will always come first for me and if I had kids it's not fair for them to always be second-place.

1. I'm afraid that my children will not turn out the way I want them to, even if I did everything as "right" as possible. What if they're not smart enough? What if they choose to be someone I don't like? What if they don't meet my standards?

Better to stash my desire for children away than be one of those parents who end up resenting them for one reason or another.

We... see far more of our other family than before we had the children

If ever I needed another reason to reinforce me not having children, there it is

birdsbeesandtrees I could cope with being with someone who already has children but I find the idea of pregnancy revolting tbh. Not a mainstream view but it's how I feel

I feel exactly the same way

Meant to add to my earlier post op btw (sorry was interrupted) that it is very understandable that you feel as you do atm. The decision to have a child can never be a completely rational one because in essence, in doing so, you are throwing yourself off a cliff in to the unknown! Therefore, when there is a pause in proceedings, it is totally normal for doubts to arise. Anyway, as I said, I hope things work out the way for you that you would ultimately wish them to op

Ginswingmore That's brilliant. I agree with her entirely apart from I don't find babies even remotely cute.

I'm ambivalent. That said, I know there will be time when it's either now or never as I won't always be the age I am.
I'll wait for my biological clock to scream at me. Until further notice

Don't have them if you're not that fussed.
They are hard work, boring and it's a statistical fact that the period of greatest unhappiness in a person's life is when they have children.
People get happier when their children leave home.
They can be wonderful too.

Everyone is different, but I'd have a childfree and wonderful life if I were you.

I'm on the other side, I desperately want them, I have felt a literal "ache" in my heart for my hypothetical children.
I love children and have worked with children before a great deal, and have lots of younger cousins.
I think I just always knew I would have them, there was no doubt about it! If I can't for some reason, I'd like to adopt.
I simply just can't imagine my life without them.
So if you don't have that feeling, then you don't really want them I suppose.

"the clock" has been screaming since I was about 24 lol

OP - I think you are right but I think Nature gets inside many women (and some men too) and gives them that urge for kids - to keep the human race going. I never had it, and I am a very rational person (and am fairly risk averse, too) so once I had one child, that was it for me. People say you are selfish if you have no kids, or only one, but I find it really weird that people think nothing of putting your body through 9 months of changes that could cause serious injury (and do for many women, they just don't talk about it, except maybe in the relevant threads on MN) and that's just the start. As you say - no freedom, not having any money and having the responsibility for another person/people etc.

I totally understand why people don't want kids.

All that said, I think having children makes you a better person (and I don't mean to be offensive to those who can't have kids and really want them) but if you have a child you have to think of someone else. I was very selfish, and probably still am, but I have to put my son first (in most things). That is a good thing for one's self development I think.

Anyway I quit while I was ahead and stuck with one. Sometimes I think it would have been nice to have a daughter, but I couldn't have guaranteed a girl if I had had a second one, husband was already 39 when we had ds, and thought he was too old to have any more.

And I totally agree with this I would sincerely wish for a world where every child ever was a wanted child

I have one DD-I don't want anymore children though. I adore her, but all the reasons you've listed are mine for sticking with just one child. Each to their own though-sil has 4 and would've carried on given the chance. It's up to you what you're willing to sacrifice in life.

I felt the desperate yearning for a baby, I would have been miserable if I hadn't had one. DS turned out to be incredibly hard work as a baby and I regretted it for a while but don't anymore. However desire for anymore has been killed and for us at least we have far less money, can't lie in (DS is up before 6 everyday) and I have a prolapse so feel that my body is ruined. If you don't have the desperate yearning I wouldn't personally have children.

why do we do it to ourselves?
I'm not sure really - I think most of us have a biological 'drive' to reproduce and when you love someone I think it's natural to want to have DC.

It's not like the world actually needs anymore people in it.
Very true - and David Attenborough agrees with you.

If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them?
Hmm, difficult one. I adore my DC (I have two), but in all honesty I preferred my life without them. They've changed life in ways both good and bad and I've made some great friends since having DC and I wouldn't change anything now, but since having them I have come to appreciate my life pre-kids in a new way and understand that I would've had a great life without them and one with many more adult fulfilments (more travel to more interesting places, more sex, more scope for things like museums, galleries, books, lectures, work, study, adult conversation, etc, which is all stuff that is very important to me).

Has your marriage suffered?
Yes, certainly during pregnancy and the early years of child-rearing. Our marriage took a complete back-seat and we focused on our kids. TBH we were too knackered to do anything else, but it took a serious toll on our relationship. It's better now the DC are a bit older. Plus, if we HADN'T been able to have kids I think our marriage would've suffered in that way. So probably it would've suffered either way!

I stressed for years about whether I wanted kids. Was (am) in committed relationship, can afford to have them, in 30s, loads of friends all having them. It was constantly on my mind and I was wondering when I'd suddenly start wanting them, could only see the negatives but was worried I'd regret it if I left it too late and then wanted them.

I suddenly had an epiphany when I realised I could make a positive decision to NOT have children and embrace a child-free life with all the good things it brings. It was honestly like a wake up call, that I could make this decision and make it as positively as people make the decision to have a child, and embrace it just as much. I love my child-free life, and don't think I'm cut out to do the bit of child raising that entails loss of personal freedom and sleep for ages and ages. I'd rather take the risk of one day regretting it when it's too late, than take the risk of having a child on blind trust that I won't regret it once they're here.

It helps that a few of my closest friends also don't want / have children, so we have a whole urban family thing going on, and also that I do have a DSS who I love so I do get to sample some of the nice bits of having a child around without actually having to be fully responsible for him and going through some of the awful bits.

I have my daughter and i honestly can't imagine her not being in my life. We're not struggling for money, she sleeps well (though we don't get lie in's), marriage is great. Think we'll be sticking with one though as we're very happy with how things are

The worst thing about having chosen not to have children (aside from the worry that I'll regret it one day) is disappointing my mother! As it stands she won't have any grandchildren and I do feel really sad for her and guilty because I know she really wants them...