AIBU to wonder about choosing NOT to have kids?

[indecisivepoppy]

I always thought I wanted a baby and have been TTC for a while (more than six months), but to no avail. I've now started pondering... do I actually want to have DCs? No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves? It's not like the world actually needs anymore people in it. What are your thoughts? Do those of you who chose not to have DCs regret it? If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them? Has your marriage suffered? Part of me wonders if these feelings of apathy / uncertainty are being prompted by not getting pregnant quickly and trying to protect myself from the possibility that we might not be able to conceive.

I'm 27 and, like others, I've always known that I don't want kids. I didn't have an epiphany, I didn't make a decision, I just knew from when I was really young. I get all manner of offensive comments about how I'll change my mind (I've been told I'm living a selfish life by not having them!) but I've never wavered in how I feel. Luckily DH is as disinterested in children as I am, so no issues there.

I think it helps that my mum didn't want kids. She isn't maternal at all, she's selfish and narcissistic and admitted to me (while drunk) that she had kids to stop my dad from leaving her.

I've seen how miserable friends are who thoroughly regret their choice to have children so I see how easily that could be me. I have AS, I'm a massive introvert and I don't like human contact so the thought of having a tiny person clinging to me and wanting my attention for years on end is my idea of hell.

I always assumed I'd have children and think I went headlong into it without ever really considering the life long implications. I initially wanted 5/6 but thankfully saw the light after no3 and realised dh and I wouldn't be cut out to care for such a large family without great difficulty.
For me the early years were relatively easy. I think things could've been very different though if perhaps one or more of our dc had additional needs or illness or one of us had become ill or we'd separated. Parenting alone must be ten times harder than parenting with a supportive spouse. I've had plenty of lie ins but financially it is hard especially the older they become.
Currently our children are all teenagers and I'm finding this stage hard and often unrewarding. It's not that any of them are rebellious or doing stuff that's dangerous/illegal but teens are testing. My eldest is fine now and a lovely adult so there's light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't imagine life without any of mine, there's a lovely comfort/contentment in having my family BUT I never realised when having children that I'd signed up to life long worry and that I'll always be anxious about them and never ever be able to switch this off.
Recently too, I've started to look at the world we live in, how hard the daily grind of life can be just to get by and started to wonder why I subjected the three people I love most to this world which is getting crazier every day. I push those thoughts away as it's pointless now though!
Maybe I'll have grandkids maybe I won't but I've no intention of influencing my children either way and would hate to think any of them felt they should have children for mine or dhs sake.

What an incredibly patronising thing to say. This is exactly the kind of crap that drives a wedge between parents and non-parents in our society- the assumption that child-free people's lives aren't fulfilling. Fuck that.

Late response maryjobliged but I can't let that go without reply. I find that an offensive interpretation of my comment. I assume you have been on the end of annoying questions/assumptions and that has coloured your interpretation of my post.
(a) you don't know them, they are dear friends who I care about very much and it was a genuine thought I have had based on things they have said and done. In no way was it meant to be a generalisation.
(b) nowhere did I say a child was what might be 'missing' from their lives, (after all they obviously don't think so)
(c) I clearly said that they are happy with their choice. Their choice is nothing to do with me and I have no view on it other than whatever their choices are, they are my friends and I want them to be happy. After all no doubt they sometimes idly wonder if we wish we hadn't 'ruined our lives' by having children.

Of course you don't know me in RL so you wouldn't appreciate that I am not that person that assumes everyone wants a baby. Basically what the OP seemed to be asking, and what lots and lots of women do wonder when they aren't sure, was will I regret not having children when it's too late? For some the answer is a resounding no, for some it may be yes.
Aren't many of us very fortunate to be able to make those choices, it's a very recent opportunity in the story of the human race.

Oh my days, please don't worry. Mn is for all individuals to air their opinion or seek advice. With each of my babies I've thought, 'yikes' but with every single one (4) I've treasured everything they represent. Apologies for crudeness, but you haven't just got up the duff and thought 'child benefit, tax credits, etc. You chose to have this baby and you'll be a great mum because you want to be. A good parent is one who questions herself. Not just thinks 'oh well, that will do!' The majority of dysfunctional teens or adults(not all, but most) have had a difficult childhood or trauma. This is actually a fact. The majority of abusers rapists and peodophiles have been abused (really high petcentafe). So unless your planning on abusing your child which I'm positive you're not, the chances are that your child will turn out lovely. Maybe he/she will have a few quirks, but ultimately they will represent the upbringing, live care and experiences you give them. More care and attention you give, usually the easier they are. Try and remember your childhood and teen years when you parent, i.e. How you felt, the magical bits, the tough bits and worries and reflect on those when your child reaches that same age. The very fact that you're worried shows you'll be a concerned and nurturing parent. Your child is a part of you and your partner. Your life will be busy and chaotic, but hilarious, delightful and exceptional. Just by standing in the school hall, watching the school nativity will bring tears to your eyes and a lump in your throat (even if your sproglett stands at the front picking their nose......you'll think, he gets that from his dad!!!) Christmas will be the best morning ever when santa has been. Easter bunny and crazy birthday parties. Just fill your wine cellar, stock up in calpol and secure a very good and fully available baby sitter. All the things you go nuts about with your child, will be the very things you miss when they eventually leave home.
One massive thing to remember, every bad day comes to an end. Then s new day begins. Trust yourself and all the very best. Whatever challenges you face, millions of other mums have also faced. You are never alone!!! Xxxx

"Currently our children are all teenagers and I'm finding this stage hard and often unrewarding. It's not that any of them are rebellious or doing stuff that's dangerous/illegal but teens are testing."

This is my life at the moment, and I only have one.
I pointed out earlier on that the posters who absolutely adore being parents don't seem to have reached that stage yet. Their children are either toddlers or primary school age.

I'm not saying that all teenagers are horrible, but IMO they need you more, emotionally, than small children do.

I have teenagers, and this is the best stage yet.
By far the easiest and most enjoyable. The house is calm family life is great.

Having kids has been a transformation for me.

I have been changed forever by motherhood. I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

lama, my sister is older than me and had her dc a bit younger than me so hers are 17, 19 and 20. She has, at times described teenagers as " your worst nightmare made flesh"!! She was only half joking. Eldest is coming out the other side. Youngest is a good kid but, bloody hell self centred isn't even the term for him at the moment. Among her friends kids there are some amazing teenagers but so many of the parents have echoed what you said- they need more time and emotional energy than ever before.

Conversely my dad has a 37 year old (me) and a 48 year old and thinks being a parent is fantastic now! We buy him a pint, cook for him occasionally and present him with grandchildren.

" your worst nightmare made flesh"

My parents would probably have said the same thing about my sister and I.

I was determined not to have such bad teenage years with my own kids.

My teens are a joy to have around. Not all teens are horrible.

I love my DC to bits but in all honesty my life would be calmer and happier without the peripheral crap and people that come into your life when you have children. That's not to say i regret having my children but if I had actually known what it would be like I would have thought twice.

SquidgeyMidgey why in particular? What has it been like?!

Mostly all (and i mean all) the school stuff cheeses me off from a parent pov, and having to mix with the local mums for the sake of my DCs social life (playgroup, playdates blah blah) who really are not my cup of tea bar 3 of them. My career has gone down the pan which I accept as a sacrifice for the years I had at home, its mainly the school stuff and the people I now have in my life. But that's living here, it could be different if I lived in my hometown. And because I'm a teacher I NEVER get time away from other people's bloody kids which drives me nuts- I come home from work and I have a houseful (Good for my DCs though), I go on holiday and there they all are, i go to work and there they are... I actually do like other kids but it would be nice to have a break from them sometimes! It's the whole constant primary school fluff and lentil-knitting mummies crap that gets me really.

Im not really a miserable cow. I dont think...

SquidgeyMidgey sounds like you are in the wrong job.

Why Westray, because I would like a little peace and quiet now and again? Because i don't want to play babysitter all day and every day? How very unreasonable.

You chose the job.

Yep, I chose to share my love of science with secondary school kids. That doesn't mean I want wraparound children in my life. Too much of a good thing...

I have 4 children the youngest now are 18.. my second son still lives at home after uni he's 26 and oldest son married with a child.

My life now is supporting my altzimers mum with my dad and helping care for my grandson a few days a week.

I love my kids and dh snd my parents with all my heart but I look at my child free care free sister and do envy her to a degree.

I sometimes fantasise about getting on a train to the seaside and just escaping for a few days.

If you don't want kids don't have them.

Having my DC has been the most wonderful and rewarding experience of my life so far. Absolutely don't regret it for a second, despite all of the challenges that you describe OP.

However, I wasn't prepared for the relentless monotony, the emotional vulnerability, the constant worry, the juggling demands from outside (school in particular). These would have been extremely difficult to deal with if I hadn't been fully committed to having kids in the first place. I can completely see why it's not the right choice for everyone.

Squidgymidgy, I get you completely. The school environment has become flimsy political, and parenting a pressure and competition. Hense I really don't get involved. I'm not a teacher so can only imagine how if must be for you. I love my kuds and like most kids, but it doesn't mean I want them in my face most of my life!!!! Soon be summer holidays....rig up a tv in your loft, get some great dvds and a case of wine with food and enjoy!! X