AIBU to wonder about choosing NOT to have kids?

[indecisivepoppy]

I always thought I wanted a baby and have been TTC for a while (more than six months), but to no avail. I've now started pondering... do I actually want to have DCs? No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves? It's not like the world actually needs anymore people in it. What are your thoughts? Do those of you who chose not to have DCs regret it? If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them? Has your marriage suffered? Part of me wonders if these feelings of apathy / uncertainty are being prompted by not getting pregnant quickly and trying to protect myself from the possibility that we might not be able to conceive.

whatsername

I find it difficult to understand why others wouldn't want kids. My brother is insistent he won't have any and I don't really get it. I'm supportive of his choice though and would never tell him. You have to do you. Choosing not to have kids is a personal decision but doesn't need to define you, iyswim?

It sort of does have to come to define you though when people say things like "I find it difficult to understand why others wouldn't want kids"... "I don't really get it". You might not say these things out loud to your brother but, believe me, plenty of rude bastards do say these things to us.

I have a baby son and he is a source of so much joy to me. He's by far the best thing I've ever done - and I had a very fulfilling life before with a great, meaningful career I enjoyed, and will go back to after mat leave. Saying that, I'm going to go back part time rather than full time as I want more time with him! So while having him is probably going to slow my career progression, I don't really care, as my priorities have definitely changed. He was very much wanted and I absolutely adore him. For me it's definitely worth not having any lie-ins (or much sleep at all, currently!) and the reduced freedom. But I was married for nearly 10 years before I had him and waited until I definitely felt ready - got a lot of travelling done, career in a good place, etc. It felt like the right time - I think timing is really important. I probably wouldn't have felt like this if I had a baby a few years ago before I felt I had had enough time to focus on me and what I wanted. As now it's all about him!

To me reading about people saying how their life pre children seems empty now in comparison, their child gives their life meaning and true happiness etc is pretty much like reading about people saying how they found Jesus.

" I find it difficult to understand why others wouldn't want kids"

I don't. I love my daughter, but my life wouldn't have been less meaningful if I hadn't had her. There is more to life than having children.

I find it difficult to understand why you don't get it. Let's face it life is easier without children. You can be spontaneous about going out/going on holiday and you can do what you want when you want within reason. Basically you can be selfish.

To me reading about people saying how their life pre children seems empty now in comparison, their child gives their life meaning and true happiness etc is pretty much like reading about people saying how they found Jesus

And? What's your point? I don't feel my life was empty/lacked meaning before DC but if other people do then so what? Ditto people finding Jesus. Not harming you is it?

I'm nearly 34 and currently single. I have never wanted them. I could not stand the noise/mess or everything being chaotic and out of control. I'm only just getting to grips with this thing called "life" myself. I don't want to start all over again.

If I met a man who wanted them or had them, even grown up ones, that would be a dealbreaker.

Every day I am grateful that I realised it was not for me. I go home to my cat/go to the gym/have dinner/watch a film/whatever I bloody well like and it's great. And I will retire when I feel like it.

My uncle had kids in his 40s and I think he regrets it...he's nearly 60 and still toiling away to put them thru uni.

Luckily my parents are fine with not being grandparents although maybe it would be nice if my brother had some kids who I could buy Christmas gifts for and leave my jewellery to.

Meh, I agree with ppl who say if you're not desperate for kids, don't bother! I think parental regret is a taboo. My own mother does say although she loves us and wanted us, that she would live her life differently if she had another chance.

I find it difficult to understand why others wouldn't want kids. My brother is insistent he won't have any and I don't really get it. I'm supportive of his choice though and would never tell him. You have to do you. Choosing not to have kids is a personal decision but doesn't need to define you, iyswim?

I don't understand why others do want kids, though.

I see that for a lot of people it's very strong, sometimes biological, and that you get a lot of love and joy from them, but I can't imagine wanting any myself.

I have a couple of friends from Uni who don't want children. We have two DCs and don't find their choices difficult to accept or understand at all; they have different goals, choices, beliefs, aims. They are incredible with my DCs and my DCs adore them. But that doesn't mean they're lacking anything for not wanting their own, and it doesn't mean they don't enjoy the company of DCs.

The DCs have changed life for the better and have been the making of me. They've healed my heart. But they're a fucking nightmare some days and it's all I can do to leave the room and whisper "what the fucking fuck" to the cat because I've reached Def Con 4 at their shenanigans.

Our marriage is strengthened by the DCs. I love him infinitely more for having seen him become an incredible father. He is a great Husband but an even better Dad. We've never suffered or missed out on anything for choosing to have children. We travel with them often to all sorts of places, we have adventures and despite our ridiculous parenting at times, they're turning out quite fantastically.

I think if you don't want them then that is fine. I wonder the same, despite having wanted them previously, and been ttc, I now feel the same as you, and actually love my life and marriage the way it is now and don't want to change that. I think when you are older you have built your life the way you want it and it is a sacrifice to give it up, I have friends who have ended up unhappy and slightly resentful towards their children as their lives have been so upturned by their arrival x

No DCs here. I never wanted them and DH decided he didn't either. We don't feel any absence in our lives because of it, we have loads of nieces, nephews and god children and we're happy with that.

The crux for me was in my early 20s when either people were telling me I 'should have kids or I would regret it' or treating me as a mum in waiting. There was nothing, and still is nothing about having kids that makes me think I should have done it. In fact, reading MN for a couple of years has only made me know I've done the right thing.

A lot of women are pressured into having kids because that's what they're always told they should do so they start to think it themselves even if it's not right for them or what they really want.

DD says she doesn't want children. She is 16 and really doesn't like babies and toddlers. She doesn't mind older children - she helps out at Brownies and really enjoys it.

I agree MN has confirmed I am right that I do not want any!

No squirrel, I'm just saying it's as alien and supernatural sounding as that. It harms me only insofar as it's hard when my friends "cross over" to this supernatural place of motherhood that I can't understand and they, and our friendship, change. But I'd never blame or tell them that. I know I'm the odd one out for not wanting children, not them for having them. It's just life and it's interesting to share experiences on a thread designed for that because I can never share the sense of sadness I sometimes feel IRL.

I do feel I've become a better person for having them, but then I was very immature, insecure etc beforehand. They made me grow up. People are different.

I get impatient with the refrain that comes so often on these threads that if you're not aching with every fibre for a baby, you shouldn't have one, which I think is nonsense. I never planned to have children, and my life was great. Then we decided to see if we could conceive when I was just shy of 40, mostly out of curiosity, I got pregnant immediately, and we have a five year old, who is beyond fabulous (though I hated the baby stage, especially maternity leave.) Life is also great, and I'm utterly glad we followed through on our whim, but the thing is --

I'm absolutely certain my life would have been just as happy if we didn't have a child, but differently so. I certainly wasn't 'incomplete' before, so motherhood hasn't 'completed' me any more than DH did, and I'm much the same person I ever was, with quite a few childfree friends.

Which is a long way round to say, it's your call. Unfortunately, it's one of those things you can't know about unless you do it. Try to disregard social pressure, or the idea that considering not having children is a sign you'll be a bad parent, when in fact it's very sensible. Good luck.

I also find parenthood a massive worry.

DD has had serious health issues, mental health issues, friendship and relationship issues, been bullied at school and now we are going through the third year of stress for exams (she took 2 GCSEs in year 10, 8 last year and is now working her socks off for AS levels)

I am so glad I don't have to go through this multiple times.

I knew at 14 I didn't want children lots of people patronisingly patted me on the arm and told me I'd change my mind. I haven't and I'm nearing 40. I do however have a step daughter who we have 3 nights 1 week 4 nights the next and as much as I love her she has been the best form of contraception!

I never thought I wanted children, but the desire crept up on me from my late twenties and I had my daughter 4 months ago.

NOTHING can prepare you for how completely it consumes your life. And NOTHING can hurt you more than your little baby crying inconsolably and being able to do nothing to help them - and I'm talking bloody wind here, God knows what I'll be like when anything bad actually happens to her. They take over every part of your brain, at least so I have found it to be in this early stage. And if like me you have a 'difficult' baby (although all babies are challenging in their own ways I imagine) it can be SO wearing and you do sometimes wonder if you've made a terrible mistake.

Having said that, she has just begun to laugh and it really does make my day every time. Whenever she does something new or unexpected, I couldn't be prouder or more delighted if I'd found a cure for cancer. And the one thing I'd hoped for - that I'd finally have somewhere I could put all the love that has filled me almost uncomfortably all my life and never found a truly satisfying outlet - has been met beyond my expectations.

I certainly wouldn't not do it because of the lie-ins etc - your body adapts to sleeplessness and your baby will one day grow up and sleep fine, stretch marks fade, pelvic floors re-knit, we're all going to live to our 90s now so a couple of decades of high dependence is nothing in the scheme of things. If you have something amazing and fulfilling to do with your life that having kids will impede, then by all means don't have them. If you have simply gone off the idea, then fine - let it go! But don't give up because it sounds a bit rough - it is, at first, but there are such compensations. And I'm told that the best years are yet to come.

I always wanted children, didn't meet the right person for years then when I did we found there was a good chance we wouldn't be able to. We miraculously did. It is everything (and more) that I thought it would be, together with a whole layer of extra work and stress juggling it all. What I know now is (a) I'm glad I didnt have children with the wrong guy and (b) actually I could have done it alone, no problem, but it's more fun with someone to share it with (mostly anyway ) (c) my 'life goals' don't really exist anymore as I'm too busy getting everything done to even think about it.
One of my friends never wanted children and has remained married and childfree by choice. They seem happy. Their life is much less busy and much less stressful despite high level jobs because they aren't juggling. Sometimes I wonder if they actually maybe need a little more in their lives as their focus is less obvious and sometimes they seem bored despite all their activities. However they still pursue 'life goals' where we don't. My friend is now at an age where it would realistically be too late to have children even if she changed her mind, and I wondered if this would have an impact, but not so. Dont get me wrong, having children can be just as boring too, but life is never empty IYSWIM Don't know if that is any help?!

@MaryJObliged I didn't really make a decision about it, I just always knew I wouldn't have children in the same way some women say that they always knew they would

Absolutely this. I am not less or unfulfilled by not having children. I've known since I was a small girl that I've never wanted them. People are starting to leave me alone about it now!

WriterWannabe, jealous of the reclaimed figure!! If I could only stop eating biscuits.... I think it's expecting a bit too much of breastfeeding to cancel out half a packet of gingernuts daily :P

Funny really because if I somehow acquired a child tomorrow - say one was left on my doorstep and I had to look after it - I'd probably be fine and I'd just get on with it. Probably love it even.

But I don't actively want children no.

Iamastonished I'm not saying you do this at all but don't assume/think/say that your daughter might change her mind.

Sixteen is very young and we all decide things at sixteen that we then U-turn on and sometimes having children is one of those things.

However, at 16 I knew 100% that I wouldn't have children. I've known since as long as I can remember and I first remember telling someone I wouldn't have children when I was 7. Ever since then people have undermined and brushed my feelings aside by assuming/thinking/saying that I'll change my mind. It's frustrating.

Yes, people are patronising. When I eventually became pregnant a number of people said that of course I wanted children all along. Well, actually I didn't.

They are simply projecting how they are feeling. They adore children so they assume everyone else does. MIL is excessively maternal. She loves all babies and thinks they are all beautiful. I don't. Babies are little people, some are beautiful and some are not. she simply cannot understand why anyone thinks some babies aren't beautiful.

I've got two children. I hate babies, always have.
Luckily they grow up