AIBU to wonder about choosing NOT to have kids?

[indecisivepoppy]

I always thought I wanted a baby and have been TTC for a while (more than six months), but to no avail. I've now started pondering... do I actually want to have DCs? No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves? It's not like the world actually needs anymore people in it. What are your thoughts? Do those of you who chose not to have DCs regret it? If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them? Has your marriage suffered? Part of me wonders if these feelings of apathy / uncertainty are being prompted by not getting pregnant quickly and trying to protect myself from the possibility that we might not be able to conceive.

" I also get annoyed when people talk about having kids as adding to a stretched population! Would those people prefer there to be a cull of humans to reduce the numbers?"

tweety your post is very confused.

Of course people aren't suggesting a cull. But some people might factor overpopulation into their decision not to have a child.

Personally, I think the overpopulation issue is overstated. With education comes lower birth rates. But that is for another thread.

I think it is extraordinary how many people don't really think about whether they want a baby, a toddler and a child before embarking on the project. I have worked with unhappy parents fairly frequently and actually much of many of their angsts stem from not really wanting or enjoying being parents.

This is an interesting and very scary thread to read. Scary because I'm just passed 17weeks with our first. And I never wanted them up until a couple of years ago. I went through horrific prenatal depression where I deeply regretted getting pregnant and how is was going to change our lives and I think if I had read this back then it would have tipped me over the edge.
However - we can more than afford to have children, we have a gorgeous home and we have travelled the world. We have been together for over 10 years and have the strongest bond imaginable. I feel I have hit my peak in my career... I've paid my dues and earn good money and have no desire to progress further as work doesn't make me happy. I don't have lie ins anyway as I always want to be up when I'm not at work and we grow apart from our friends more and more as time passes. DH and I only really have time for each other and only really enjoy each other's company.
I now feel very excited about the arrival of our first. I can't wait to hold her and spend time with her and watch her grow up. I know we have made the right decision. Even being pregnant has made me reevaluate things in a positive way - ive learned to keep myself calm (struggled with this previously) learned to take my time over things (rushed everything before and have had to slow down!) And learned that there are much nicer things in life than a bottle of wine to yourself a few nights a week (And the stinking hangover that comes with it) and I really cannot wait for maternity leave! Maybe I will feel completely different when reality hits when the baby is born but I do think it depends on circumstances and what makes you happy. Lie ins, travelling the world, money etc just aren't that important to me anymore.

Always thought I wanted kids. 10 years of unexplained infertility and 4 early miscarriages finally came to terms that I won't have a family. Happy marriage, lovely home, great holidays, decent job and ample money so had decided that this was lucky enough in life and planned to enjoy this more and move on. Found out I was pregnant again a few weeks ago (not exactly expected) which has reopened old wounds. I came across this post looking for positive childfree stories as I have an early scan tomorrow but feel that it's not going to go well. However the comments on here have reinstated some positivity in me, regardless of the outcome as it's reinforced the pros of being childfree and made me think again whether it's something I still wanted all along. The original post is something I've asked myself for years and still looking for the answer!

Luckydallas All the best with your scan tomorrow

Luckydallas good luck for tomorrow, I really hope it works out for you this time. The more I think about it the more I believe that life can be wonderful either way and what will be will be

We were very happy pre kids with lots of time for friends and hobbies that we loved.

3DC later we are still happy but in a different way - children was not a ticket to automatic happiness in the way I had previously thought it would be. I would not change them now, but were it not for the fear of missing out we would have been equally happy without children.

I tend to think that apart from things we have no impact over which can make us unhappy, happiness is largely a skill. And that very happy people would be happy with or without children.

I am slowly coming around to this way of thinking but have swung massively from wanting to be sterilised at 20 to being massively broody at 26 so who knows?

My main issue is that DW and I have to actively make the decision to have children. I have no doubt that if I could get pregnant through contraceptive failure etc I would enjoy being a mum but as a PP said if you make a list of pros and cons no-one would choose to have children.

I also feel guilty as both sets of parents would make fantastic grandparents and whilst I'm wasting time navel gazing they could be enjoying grandchildren.

It's hard to choose to be child free IMO.

@showergel1 I kinda did have a mental list of pros and cons. It's probably why I am 36 and only now pregnant with my first child. While we were lucky in not needing assistance to conceive, we deliberately stopped using contraception. So I am pregnant deliberately, although sooner than I expected to be. in all the years of using contraception I never had a scare, so I wasn't sure whether we would conceive easily.

I'm not sure that being so deliberate will protect us against thinking 'what have I done' because you can be considered but you've got no real way to conceive of the experience without experiencing it.

Don't have kids for other people. It's a fairly major commitment for you, not for grandparents. And while I don't know your personal circumstances I am pretty sure you have time still. I have a whole decade of indecision on you ;) I was wondering whether I'd reasoned my way out of having kids, and one day it just clicked in my head. I've never really been broody, never been mad keen on babies. it's more I want a family with children in it.

I think the early days are the bit that makes you think children are hard work. I have 2 under 3 and it's tough. They're brilliant and great fun but hard work. We have bugger all money, a house that's just a bit too small for us, we're knackered, my arse isn't what it used to be and yes, we bicker. But this is just the beginning. Having children isn't just the first few years, it's for always. I'll get older, they'll grow up. Our relationships will change with them and they'll go on to have lives and hopefully children and partners and jobs and all the things we have now! And I'll be able to watch it and be part of it. Children aren't just for next year and a 'ruined life' they're for your whole life and (as it's all I've got to keep me going through the sleepless nights and skint days!!) they'll make it a lovely life....without sounding too twee and soppy I hope!!

Btw 6 months of TTC is nothing. Keep going and if you're getting worried go talk to your gp.

Dead good, Obviously I don't think people are actually suggesting a cull, but seriously I don't know many parents or parents to be who decide to have a baby based on adding to the population as one of the decision making factors. Likewise, should someone feel they choose not to have children or any further children, it's unlikely the fact of NOT adding to the population is one of their main DECIDING factors.
Some people feel the urge to have children, some people don't. This doesn't reflect on people's actual success of parenting. It basically comes down to the fact whether or not each individual/couple decides to try parenting. Some breeze through it whilst some find it trickier. Parenting has no actual text book to really easily follow, and each child is different.
I remember having a certain level of expectation of parenthood when expecting my first. When DS1 came along I was genuinely shocked at how misguided I had been, HOWEVER, this was the case for Positive as well as negative. Just the smallest of moments give so much pleasure from day one right through the entire journey. The rock bottom moments test us, but most of us overcome them with a sense of accomplishment. Children are life changing but what you leave behind before, you replace with so many other things.
Parenting isn't for everyone and that's ok. But if you bring kids into this world and you're finding it tough, then please just ask for help or advice. For every problem, you can bet someone has been through exactly the same and can support or advise you. Nobody is perfect. There are enough messed up adults in the world who unfortunately are that way because they had a rubbish childhood. That's the part of the population we should Not be adding to and seriously considering before having children.
If we actually properly take care of the children we decide to have, then chances are, there will be far fewer messed up adults in the world, years to come.

Liskee

Having children isn't just the first few years, it's for always. I'll get older, they'll grow up. Our relationships will change with them and they'll go on to have lives and hopefully children and partners and jobs and all the things we have now! And I'll be able to watch it and be part of it. Children aren't just for next year and a 'ruined life' they're for your whole life

This is a huge part of what puts me off that when they've gone through the cute baby/toddler stage (not that I think babies or toddlers are at all cute), then you have a young child, then a teenager, then a young adult, then an adult. Forever. Until you die. You'll never be free of them.

No thanks!

Haha @maryjobliged that's the bit I'm more interested in!

Me too! I like the idea of having older teens / adult children in my life, but not the early years. Maybe we could set up some kind of child share arrangement MaryJ?

The point I was originally making about adding / not adding to the population is not so much that it's a factor in my (or anyone else's) decision, but rather that there is no actual need to have children. It's not like the future of the human race is in any sort of jeopardy (for those of us watching the Handmaid's Tale - heaven forbid!). Therefore, we don't need to have kids so it comes down to a choice of whether we want that lifestyle or not!

And, re: babies turning into children. That is another thing that REALLY scares me! What if I don't like my child? What if they turn out to be a junkie, abusive, a rapist? They will always be your child. You can't get rid of them! And if they turn out to be an awful person I would feel responsible (and many people would - rightly or wrongly - hold me responsible).

'It's hard to choose to be child free IMO.'

I couldn't agree more. Some people desperately want children, some desperately don't, and some of us are somewhere in the middle! I have always known deep down that parenthood was not for me but I still absolutely longed for a family of my own and felt that loss very deeply for years. It felt like everyone around me either had children, was pregnant or was thinking about getting pregnant and it felt like my invitation to this great big party had got lost in the post somehow! We live in such a baby-centric society and people get so much validation for having children, it can feel very lonely to be on the other side of that. I feel more settled about being childfree with every passing year but it has still been a really difficult decision to make.

I agree with Liskee that the best thing about parenthood is that it is not just about babies and toddlers and it is what they become and being part of that whole journey - the circle of life, if you must.

I am not maternal and don't even like babies and toddlers. I did not enjoy that stage of my children's lives. But watching their personalities and quirks develop, helping them through studies and friendships, hearing their bad jokes, that is what turns it from being a couple to a family, for me.

Why do it to yourself? It is the biggest investment you will ever make in terms of time, money, physical and mental energy. It also generally impedes your career and buggers any plans for early retirement. But that investment will hopefully pay dividends later on - I cannot control the product but why wouldn't I try to do the best for my children now and be optimistic for the future.

It gives meaning to what I do.

As a hormonal, pregnant, first time mum to be, I probably shouldn't have read this thread.

I've had an awful pregnancy and still have ages to go. I'm miserable in my job and at the moment all I'm doing is wishing the next few months away to my due date. I know it'll be hard but I feel like it's got to be better than how I currently feel.

Now I'm worried it'll be ten times worse. I don't want to end up regretting the choice to have a child, especially after what I've gone through to get this far

I once read a good definition of 'selfish' - don't remember the exact wording but it was something along the lines of "It's not selfish to live the life you want, it's selfish to expect others to live the life you want".

Another childfree MN'er here. I always felt like having children was something you opt into rather than opt out of i.e. having children seemed to be the default setting. I have never received a hard time about it though - my SIL asked me the day after our wedding if we were going to have children, I just laughed it off. My mother once asked if I ever got broody - I said "no" and that was the end of that. I obviously just don't look maternal!

I'm 48 now and have never regretted my decision. DH felt the same thankfully (obviously we discussed this before marriage). No doubt there may be a time when I'm in my dotage when I think it would be nice to have children/grandchildren around me but that's no reason to live a life I didn't want throughout my 30's/40's. I might also regret never climbing Everest, doesn't mean if I had my time over I would actually want to do it!

I do find it a little bit irritating when people talk about life without children as being 'shallow' or 'superficial' though. Why is your life only meaningful if it involves creating another life? Will that child's life only have meaning if it, in turn, leads to another life? I don't really understand that. Mine and DH's lives are full and meaningful and not lacking in any regard.

Tweetypie, overpopulation WAS one of the main reasons we decided not to have children.

So many women/couples seem to have children with no thought whatsoever. Me and OH discussed whether or not to have any for quite a while and yet most of my friends with children say they never talked about it all.

I have had quite a few men and women over the years say to me that although they love their children, if they could go back in time they would choose not to have any.

I find that really sad. I don't regret not having children at all but I would regret not having them than having them.

'I do find it a little bit irritating when people talk about life without children as being 'shallow' or 'superficial' though'

I think those sort of comments say much more about them than about you. It always sounds to me like they're trying to convince themselves a bit too hard that they made the right choice.

It is whether you feel they're worth it and I think you should really want it to try and have them - obviously unplanned babies happen.

No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves?

I have a 4 year old and we're not broke any more and I sleep plenty... body is mainly ruined by cake, not child rearing

What are your thoughts? Do those of you who chose not to have DCs regret it? If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them? Has your marriage suffered?

I do love having my child but I underestimate the difficulty. We're struggling with the choice of having another, it's hard to convince myself to go for the madness that multiple children must bring, along with the being broke and no sleep!

Our marriage is happy. You have less time for each other though and your routines have to change to make it work, there was quite a long adjustment period for us after the initial firefighting phase.

If we unable to have children naturally, I don't think we would have adopted or gone down the IVF route. I think we would have had a happy life although we did always intend to have children.

How does your partner feel?

Lotta, I can only speak for myself. I don't think I am trying to convince myself because I had children more for my dh than for me but now that I am walking the path I am sold, quite to my surprise.

You are entirely justified to not want children and feel your life is complete without.

But equally, I am quite sure I am not deluded or in denial.