AIBU to wonder about choosing NOT to have kids?

[indecisivepoppy]

I always thought I wanted a baby and have been TTC for a while (more than six months), but to no avail. I've now started pondering... do I actually want to have DCs? No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves? It's not like the world actually needs anymore people in it. What are your thoughts? Do those of you who chose not to have DCs regret it? If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them? Has your marriage suffered? Part of me wonders if these feelings of apathy / uncertainty are being prompted by not getting pregnant quickly and trying to protect myself from the possibility that we might not be able to conceive.

I knew l didn't want a child from an early age. Then i met someone i thought i loved, started to want one, followed my heart and had my son. He is now almost a teenager, and tbh i wish i hadn't. It has been very hard, the wanting a child disappeared before he was even born, it has wrecked my MH, he lives away from me, and wants nothing much to do with me, yet i keep trying as i couldn't live with myself if i didnt. The pain of my life since he has been here is something i never envisaged when choosing to have him. You never know how things will turn out. And seeing the cold look in his eyes and knowing that he doesnt love me is something i wish i hadnt done to myself. I feel ive wrecked his life too

One of my DDs says that she doesn't want kids, she is in her early twenties and I think she is 100% sure. I know there is a possibility she might change her mind one day but for now she is sure. I tell her it's a perfectly valid choice and that it would be stupid to have kids unless she was sure she wanted them. It's not like you can give them back if you don't like them.

I felt from a young age I woudn't have children. Both my parents had terrible illnesses which could be inherited, my childhood was very unhappy.

I would have loved to have had children, but I inherited my father's illness so I feel I made the right decision.

I was very on the fence about having kids. I've never had the yearning or desire that some people talk about. It was a source of anxiety to me as boyfriend was clear he wanted them, and I didn't want to deprive him of that opportunity. He decided that our relationship was the priority for him. Then about a year ago I just had the mental click I'd been waiting for: it will be ok. I can handle having kids, I can handle not having kids.

We started trying to conceive in a rather half arsed fashion. I'm 36 and now 10 weeks pregnant. This thread is giving me a mild case of the 'what have I done', but pretty much since I found out I've been surprised how not panicky I have been about it.

If it hadn't happened I would I think be sad, but we would be ok. We have a nice life. All the things people describe about having kids that are the best bits are also the bits you don't and can't conceive of without having them I think. Life is good, it's not diminished by not having children x

Never felt the maternal urge. Love babies, just never wanted one. OH is the same. I have never regretted the decision. I have a good life, travel, mortgage paid off, do things on a whim. My friends with children (with a few exceptions) look knackered and frazzled trying to juggle things, struggling with time and money. Not for me, too selfish. And it's a grim old world at the moment.

I saw a couple getting the Pram etc out of car at supermarket at weekend. The amount of paraphernalia that got out seemed a bit excessive to me just to do a shop but my OH and I looked at each other, laughed, and said all that stuff you have to cart around when you have kids. It's exhausting.

I was a "definitely no kids" all through my twenties. Married at 28 to a man in his early forties, who was as uninterested in children as me. One day I saw him walk downstairs holding our puppy, and I swear that was it. It was as though someone has turned my ovaries on! Like a PP, though, it wasn't about "having children". It was about having my husband's children.

Fast forward 10 years and we have three: aged 9, 6 and 3. They are bloody hard work but an absolute delight. Despite our "meaningful" work and hobbies, they are the light of our lives. I've been pregnant seven times, and it's been in the agony of those losses that I realised what I'd craved without even really knowing it. They are my anchor, my sun, my air. Even though intellectually I appreciate that " you don't miss what you've never had" I just can't imagine what my life would have been without them. Although my husband tells me that we'd wear better clothes, have fancier holidays and eat at more refined restaurants!

Thanks for coming back to update, OP. Really glad the thread has helped you out.

All the very best with TTC

-And good luck with being knackered, skint and fat--

Ah, strike through failure

Hi OP,

This is my story.
When I was a child/teenager myself I used to say that I didn't want kids (and get told that I wasn't normal or that I was selfish). Mum used to try to palm me off with dolls, which I didn't want and ended up throwing out of the window. I wanted teddy bears and art materials.

Before meeting DH I was single quite a lot, just having the odd short relationship here and there. I never yearned for or craved children but I think I must have started to assume that they were what I needed.

Then I met DH and it got serious. However, there was some miscommunication on the subject of kids. He said he wanted them because he assumed it was what I wanted and I said I wanted them because by then I assumed it was what I wanted and also what I thought he wanted...

I knew I had one blocked tube but became pregnant reasonably quickly. I don't remember feeling happy, just hormonal. It turned out be to ectopic. Following that we got swept up into a whirlwind of consultations for infertility, interspersed with positive pregnancy tests that never stayed positive for long (?). I think I was in competition with my body, wanting to prove it wrong in that I could have a baby if I wanted to. In the end we were offered IVF and it was very telling that neither of us were that bothered. I asked the doctors for time to think about it and ended up never going back.

DH asked me one night whether we really wanted kids, whether we weren't happy the way we were. I just remember feeling this massive sense of relief (and peace) wash over me when I said that I could quite happily not bother.

A couple of years later I got pregnant by accident and had an abortion. It was a horrible time but I don't regret it. Since then, DH has had the snip.

Kids are sweet enough in small doses but we don't crave our own. Most of the time when I see kids I think "there but for the grace of [insert deity here] go I". My youngest brother, however, has always loved kids and since having his own has found real fulfilment in fatherhood.

I also think we're overpopulated and that society is becoming increasingly unpleasant. However, to be honest, had I wanted kids I would have had them without a thought to overpopulation.

It's really worth listening to yourself, following your true nature.

Always wanted to be a mother but took in to consideration of the sacrifices I'd have to make. I had DD at 23, she's 1.5 now and although I do enjoy motherhood and love her to bits.

I do wish things were easier as im doing it alone so I miss my freedom. That said I do appreciate me-time and I make more than enough effort in what I do daily. I was really lazy before.

I don't plan on having another, ever! By the time DD is off to university I'm going to travel and live abroad.

Life is what you make it. You have to put in to get out. I worry that too many people though mold themselves to fit a certain stereo type. 'I have kids so I must look haggered and worn. I can't have a nice home and all my money must go on the kids. No couple time, reduced friend time.'
Pull yourselves together. Having children hasn't done this to you. You've let it happen! Too many people on here who have actually had children talk as though they've got demons who just suck life from everything.

Our family life is great. Chaotic and busy, but the best ever. I know we are all different, and cope differently but with it without kids, life brings challenges. I love sharing our life with my children and experiencing all the excitement as they explore absolutely every nook and cranny of life.

I was in my early thirties. DH mid thirties. We had jobs, a house, good relationship but felt something was missing. Ok I could take this direction, that direction in my career, we could do this or that holiday, I could do this or that hobby but somehow I felt "well, big deal, so what?"

I really felt the urge for children to move life on to a new stage.

Now they are 8 and 5 and I am retraining and relishing being able t to choose a direction for myself after what has really been 8 years of their infancy, where everything has come second to that and there has been very little time for anything else.

It's been lovely and hard and my kids are a blessing. DH and I have grown personally so much through the shared highs and lows.

And now we are both taking off in new directions personally while doing a massive juggling act to keep the family ship on course at the same time! It's very stimulating and fulfilling though we are also both shattered most of the time.

We are both far happier now than pre kids.

I always said I didn't want children.

Then when my sister was having hers, I kind of did a little bit - but I think what I actually wanted was a link between me and my sister.

Now I say I don't think I want them but you can't be sure you'll always feel that way.

I have a stable job, a big enough house to have a child etc but the thinks I like doing aren't really baby comparable. The trips I go on - there are childless women, childless couples, childless men, and men who have kids but their wives are at home with the children... fuck that. Unless I had SHIT loads of money to buy enough help for me to peruse my hobbies I'm not keen.

My friends are mainly late 30s and childless. We all do the same hobby which doesn't len itself to children ('extreme') so I think we have a higher degree of childlessness as then 'norm'.

I think probably what I'd like in my 'dream world' is to have 1 child but to have so much cash that I could have 24h suppprt :-)

Never wanted them and don't regret it one bit. My life is so much richer being child free.

That's the bit you need to decide for yourself but from your last post it looks like you have decided your life would be richer with them. Good luck OP

I was never keen on the idea of having children, for a lot of the reasons you've stated but I now have a nearly two year old and it's taken me by surprise how much I enjoy having a child.

Obviously with just the one it's not too tough, I can for example still have lie ins, my dh just gets up with him instead. Money wise it's been fine. They don't actually need much and we don't have to pay for childcare. I also still see my friends and have nights out (albeit less frequently).

I think my age helped. I had lo after I had years of pleasing myself and travelling so I don't feel like I'm missing out.

I find lo really interesting. Just watching him change and develop blows my mind.

There are downsides, for example I'm typing this on the toilet while lo piles the contents of the bathroom on my lap lol! But I find the good outweighs the bad. I suppose the problem is, you don't know how much you're going to like or dislike it until you do it and then it's too late if you don't like it!

I don't think having kids makes you unselfish. I think that selfish people channel their selfishness through their kids.

Having DC was the right thing for me. I don't think it is the right thing for everybody and indeed the world would be a much better place if more people felt supported to NOT have kids if they don't want to.

It's pretty easy to find rewarding challenges in life if you don't have DC - my problem is I am too exhausted by DC to take up the rewarding challenges available around me!

I'm really amazed how many child free people are on mumsnet!

I loved my life before children: I had a great career, a fun group of friends, lots of travel and I could do as I pleased.

I have three kids and I love my life since having them. Everyday is an adventure, I laugh more than ever before, I cuddle more than before. In prnerhood I feel the highs are higher but also the lows are lower. For me the highs outweigh the lows.

I wouldn't want the same sort of life for all my adult years. I adored my free and happy party days but I don't want to live like that for fourty years (and I still have nights out, good friends and a career so I have not lost it completely). I want the full variety of experiences to make the rich tapestry of my life.

Oh, and to be petty, I was size 12 before kids and size 8-10 now.

I should add that both me and my husband have continued to travel and to work throughout having our family.
I probably would not say that having children added to the rich tapestry of life if my life had become 100% about being at home living the life of a SAHM. We have had live in au pair help for six years as we have no family. The au pairs have also been a great fun adventure.

24hoursinER there are so many child free people on here became the majority of the talk topics and threads are nothing to do with children .

24HoursinER and TotallyConkers I found MN when a friend linked me to the old Korean lady thread making a joke that our friend (who's not old but is "typically Korean") had gone viral.

I was astounded by how funny and warm the posters were. I mooched around for a couple of weeks drifting in an out of different areas of the site. I spent quite a bit of time in Classics (this was when Classics was brilliant) and cried laughing at some threads.

One day, I was mooching around on a completely mundane Chat thread and I had something to add, so I joined and now I'm addicted. I stay away from specifically parenting threads but I find in AIBU, Chat, Relationships, S&B there's lots of great stuff going on. I find that I connect with people on here that I wouldn't IRL. I was once on a thread and the OP turned out to be a very wealthy SAHM, very Earth Mother hippy type with eight children- absolutely not the sort of woman I'd naturally connect with IRL

Hi Reetgood,
Congratulations. Don't worry, I have 4 rugrats, and with each pregnancy I've had the odd thought of' yikes, what am I doing???' However, you're growing a person with a personality and once you meet that little bundle you'll love it. A tough day with a child is a bit like a tough day at work. You can go from wanting to lob them to the moon one minute and then you're heart melts the next. No matter how crazy a day, just look at your little one whilst it's asleep and all is forgiven. I'm convinced all little Ones have the face of an angel whilst sleeping, to keep us wrapped around their little fingers!!
It's an absolute privilege being s parent. We all have tough moments but seriously for me it's worth every second. xx

I have no children and Mumsnet is just the best forum on the internet for women. It could equally just be called Womensnet (except I know there are a fair few men lurking too which is fine!)

MaryJObliged similar here. On another forum someone mentioned they lurked on here when the other forum was quiet so I had a look and got completely addicted. I too avoid any specific parenting topics but to be honest most are just general life stuff

Prechildren, I couldn't understand why people didn't want them.
I have a 3 year old and 3 month old and I understand now. I regret having children, I wish I could turn the clock back. My life wasn't good before but it most definitely is worse now 😞