AIBU to wonder about choosing NOT to have kids?

[indecisivepoppy]

I always thought I wanted a baby and have been TTC for a while (more than six months), but to no avail. I've now started pondering... do I actually want to have DCs? No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves? It's not like the world actually needs anymore people in it. What are your thoughts? Do those of you who chose not to have DCs regret it? If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them? Has your marriage suffered? Part of me wonders if these feelings of apathy / uncertainty are being prompted by not getting pregnant quickly and trying to protect myself from the possibility that we might not be able to conceive.

Aw op, I really think this is one of those things that no one else can answer for you.

But my two sense, for whatever it is worth:

I always told myself I didn't want kids- and on reflection, that is always because I thought I had fertility issues. When DH and I started trying, I kept saying to everyone "it doesn't really matter anyway, I am probably infertile, so we'll let fate decide, etc".

Lo and behold I got pregnant almost immediately. I did not connect with the baby in utero at all. I had a horrible pregnancy and spent 35 weeks worrying that I had ruined my life- all the things you say kept churning around and around in my head, and at times I seriously wondered if I should have chosen to stay childless.

Anyway, along came DS, and I am so so so glad we have him! As sanscollier says, it's very much impossible to describe how suddenly you understand what it means to love something more than you love yourself. And I am not in any way being disrespectful to anyone who doesn't have children, it's just one of those things that you can only experience if you do decide to have kids.

All that said, I know that if we didn't have a child, I wouldn't know any of this, and wouldn't therefore feel that I was missing out. I also never had that nagging feeling of wanting a baby. Had we had to go through IVF, we probably would never have DS as we wouldn't have bothered...

It's hard, yes. It's tiring, yes. But we aren't skint, our marriage is probably stronger now than it was before, and we still see our friends and have our own lives. We also share lie ins so get one a week!

So- for me the positives far outweigh the negatives, BUT we will b stopping at one so that continues!!!

I think the image of family life 'sold' to us in films, magazines etc is amazing, with well behaved children and a loving mum and dad still having their own lives and working etc when the reality is, it is really really tough.
We have three DC, I had them at 24, 26 and 29. We were the youngest in our friendship group to have DC. We have been together since we were teenagers, always wanted three DC and wanted them before we were 30.
We were both on the same page so made it a lot easier to decide, we love the bones of them and wouldn't change a thing but like I said, the reality is two parents working (one extremely long hours) driving around here, there and everywhere with after school clubs, lack of sleep, guilt if you don't spend enough time with them and going on a night out is like planning a military operation with three, unless you have tons of family on hand willing to babysit.
I have to admit, I wasn't one of those people who thought all babies were cute, didn't really like being around babies actually, but I always, always knew in my heart that I wanted a family. I think you know deep down if you really want them.

...The worst thing about having chosen not to have children (aside from the worry that I'll regret it one day) is disappointing my mother! As it stands she won't have any grandchildren and I do feel really sad for her and guilty because I know she really wants them...

I felt like this too. My mum really wanted a grandchild. It played a large part in my decision to have a baby, especially as my younger brother died a few years ago so I was her only chance. Then my mum died very suddenly and prematurely when my daughter was 20 weeks old. I felt (still feel) very cheated.

mulledwine

All that said, I think having children makes you a better person (and I don't mean to be offensive to those who can't have kids and really want them) but if you have a child you have to think of someone else. I was very selfish, and probably still am, but I have to put my son first (in most things). That is a good thing for one's self development I think

And what about those people who don't have children and don't want them? We're basically worse people than parents and people who want children but can't have them? What a fucking shit attitude to have.

The idea that child-free people don't have to think of other people and put other people first is shit and just perpetuates the divide between parents and non-parents. I have three friends (one with a very frail mother with dementia, one with a severely disabled DH and one with an schizophrenic alcoholic brother that lives with her) who always put other people before themselves. They are the most caring, empathetic and selfless people I know. But, shock horror, they don't have children.

Sorry for your losses Tootsiepops

I'm the opposite in that my mum has made it very clear after c. 30 years bringing us all up that (in the nicest of ways) she's done looking after people and it's her time now - which I completely support.

So there is definitely no pressure for grandchildren and I guess I'm lucky that I don't really want them anyway!

All that said, I think having children makes you a better person... if you have a child you have to think of someone else.. .That is a good thing for one's self development

In my experience you have a kid you learn to put THEM first, not to put other people first generally. I get that it's a biological/parenting imperative and all that but I'm not convinced it makes you a better person. I've sometimes been shocked to see how far people will go to give their child something they perceive they need/deserve, including stepping all over other people and their children...

I always knew I wanted to be a mum and my life fell apart after a miscarriage, which made me realise how much I wanted to be a mum. I was obsessed with having a baby, but miscarried again, and convinced myself I would never conceive. I was utterly bereft. It was third time lucky for us and our son is now 5 and an absolute joy. I had a terrible birth, PTSD, my insides/pelvic floor muscles are ruined, and I think my relationship with my husband (certainly the physical side of things, due to horrific birth injuries, has suffered considerably), we are much poorer,, I am permanently exhausted and at times it has been hard with no immediate family nearby, but my son is my absolute world and I feel complete. I have never wanted another because my son makes me feel completely fulfilled. It sounds cheesy but it's true. He is very sunny by nature and great company. I am so grateful to have him in my life. Only you can decide what is right for you but had I not had my son I think my life would be a lot emptier. Good luck with whatever you decide, OP xx

You'll have to figure it out yourself, I guess, OP. No easy answers.

I always wanted children, but reflecting on it now (mother of two older DC) - I was the least prepared, least suited person I can think of to take on the challenges and sacrifices of parenthood! I'm lazy, vain, like my sleep, like peace and quiet, love boozing, like being spontaneous and like spoiling myself with treats/clothes/entertainment/books ie. disposable income .

Don't regret it for a minute, though.

My sister, on the other hand, decided in her late 30s that she doesn't want children enough to (in her words) fuck up her life . She has a good career, travels a lot, has a very spontaneous and fun relationship and lifestyle with her other half, is bloody gorgeously slim and glam and into her looks.

Fair play to her, I say.

As lame and cliched as it is, there are no perfect choices, just the choices we make.

As lame and cliched as it is, there are no perfect choices, just the choices we make

Exactly and choices are so personal.

My friend chose to become a mother at 43. I chose to retire at 44. Choices...

In my 20s I assumed that one day I'd have kids. When I hit 30 I actually thought about it a bit more and realised that actually, when it came to it, I wasn't that keen. 36 now and that feeling has only intensified, especially when I see the lives of my friends who have had children and how they've changed.

I like kids, love my niece and take an interest in my friends' children but I think my life is really ace and fun without my own, thanks all the same.

Since having my DS (6 months) I've realised how shallow my life was before he came along. Pretty much lived for myself without too much of a care in the world. Now I feel much more of a purpose to my life and everyday his face brings me more joy than I've ever experienced. I'll probably feel differently in a few years 😂, but he's definitely my 54

I've been through 5 miscarriages because my ex put pressure on me to conceive - he was 50. Although I was happy to be pregnant, it's not since being with my new partner (and his two DC) that I have realised that life without kids is so much easier. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids, but I equally love them going home on a Sunday. I think I'm more cut out to be the cool aunt ;)

I was of a similar train of thought, I love my holidays, adore my job and really wondered how I would fit kids in and we didn't really have any massive desire to have kids.

I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago. It feels so amazing and my immediate thoughts were 'why on earth didn't we do this sooner?!' - I am 38 and DH is 41. My priorities around holidays and work have immediately adjusted and the baby isn't even here yet.

Don't rule it out, as you may change your mind.

Oh and before I was certainly in the "love kids, but happy to hand them back at the end of the day" camp. With DS it couldn't be more different.

I did it because I wanted to and, while the downsides you mention exist (though for many of us what you're presenting is an exaggeration, and in our case there's been no impact on our marriage) they're outweighed by the pleasure that having children has brought me.

But the things you mention, they're pretty significant. Unless you're pretty well off, you're going to really notice the money, time and energy children cost. These are not small things. They would be good reasons not to have children if they concerned you enough.

I guess my desire not to have kids is also coloured by my experience of being an older sibling with a baby sibling. The first few years of my little brother's life were heaven. He was so pure and gorgeous, the most beautiful little boy, I would have done anything for him. I was so full of excitement for his future and our future as a family, a future where we'd be friends, and we'd have big Christmasses with our partners and kids.

Then puberty happened. He was bullied. He became depressed, self-harmed - somebody he was in treatment with committed suicide. Luckily he ended up on a path of recovery but was never the same. Quit college, became a NEET, diagnosed with special needs that had always been there but very underlying. Still lives at home and has no impulse control so can't keep hold of money and ruins friendships and relationships because he can't help but make mistakes. I don't believe he will be able to lead a successful independent life and it's heartbreaking.

Don't get me wrong, I love him, but watching that sweet little boy turn into something so complex and unlike what I had imagined, and feeling so helpless to help or change him, has broken my heart.

I know many people have wonderful positive experiences of children growing up, leading satisfying lives, and becoming actually, not a child but a friend, but I simply can't face the risk of going through the above with my own child.

If I'd known I was going to be a single parent right from the beginning I'm not sure I would have.

DONT DO IT!

Appreciate your life, how less stressful it is. You've got money, time to yourself APPRECIATE it please!

I wish I did, I now hate my life

It's a very personal decision.

I suffered with infertility for 2 years. I tried to enjoy my life. I went out often, went on great holidays and spent lots of time with childless friends. But the sad fact was I wasn't enjoying it. I was pretending. I went on a fab holiday to Majorca with my DH where we drank, ate in lovely restaurants, spent lots of time relaxing but I remember watching a dad with his young son playing in the pool and crying my eyes out behind my sunglasses whilst pretending to read. I got pregnant that same month.

Life is harder now but I wouldn't go back for the world. I love my DS with all my heart. I think it inevitably affects relationships but not necessarily negatively. For me initially I didn't have enough love to go around. I adored my son. Now 2 years on when I see my husband with my son it melts my heart. God that sounds cheesy!

I guess what I'm trying to say is if life's great appreciate it as it is, most of my childless friends do and I am occasionally jealous, but if life, like it did for me, feels a bit artificial I would definitely recommend the sleepless nights and temper tantrums 😁

Well, User1480459555 and Iamastonished all of our friends who DO have children, one couple of whom has SEVEN of them, have been married 20 years plus years too, and the childless couple has split up, so I guess it is just a coincidence. 32 years for us, two adult DC and one has SN.

OP: your life, your choice.

I agree with an earlier post that having children isn't a practical choice, it's an emotional one. For most women, feeling broody isn't a choice, but something that happens naturally. Once you have a child, nature makes you love them. You can no longer look at the pros and cons objectively, it's a hormonal response. I think that emotions aside, having children has so many drawbacks compared to child-free life.

I have 3 ds, I love them all so much but I feel terribly guilty because 2 are moderately deaf. Neither me or dh have hearing problems or any family members. I thought my first was unlucky, ds 2 is fine but then when ds3 failed hearing test I felt maybe I was selfish to have him.

moutonfou, I know what you mean. I have a few friends whose children have given or are still giving them a lot of grief and sorrow.

I agree that the clichés about never having any time/money/friends etc are not true. The baby stage is hard work but, it sort of evens out. I love my husband more, I love the father that he has become. Our kids complete my life. I find it difficult to understand why others wouldn't want kids. My brother is insistent he won't have any and I don't really get it. I'm supportive of his choice though and would never tell him. You have to do you. Choosing not to have kids is a personal decision but doesn't need to define you, iyswim?

Yes I'm shattered most of the time and yes our marriage has been affected. However, we still have money, I still get lie-ins and I had my figure back by about 3 months post-birth.

Prior to getting married me and DH wet very nonchalant about having children, neither of us felt particularly strongly either way about whether we should or shouldn't but in the end we decided to have one and it was our plan to always have one.

We both miss aspects of our childfree life but I can't even put into words how much I love my son (he's 3.5 years old now), he's everything to me and he makes me so, so happy. As a previous poster said, we do it to ourselves because of love, to the point where our plan to only ever having one got put to the side and I'm now pregnant with our second.

I can understand why you're disheartened OP but give it more time before you abandon the idea. With our son we were lucky enough to fall pregnant on our first cycle of trying whereas with this pregnancy it took 11 months.