AIBU to wonder about choosing NOT to have kids?

[indecisivepoppy]

I always thought I wanted a baby and have been TTC for a while (more than six months), but to no avail. I've now started pondering... do I actually want to have DCs? No money ever again, no lie ins ever again, ruined body, less time and energy for marriage and friends... why do we do it to ourselves? It's not like the world actually needs anymore people in it. What are your thoughts? Do those of you who chose not to have DCs regret it? If you have DCs, do you prefer life with them? Has your marriage suffered? Part of me wonders if these feelings of apathy / uncertainty are being prompted by not getting pregnant quickly and trying to protect myself from the possibility that we might not be able to conceive.

Slightly

Sometimes I wonder if they actually maybe need a little more in their lives as their focus is less obvious and sometimes they seem bored despite all their activities

What an incredibly patronising thing to say. This is exactly the kind of crap that drives a wedge between parents and non-parents in our society- the assumption that child-free people's lives aren't fulfilling. Fuck that.

Even if they are bored sometimes, a child is a pretty fucking drastic antidote to that.

"Iamastonished I'm not saying you do this at all but don't assume/think/say that your daughter might change her mind."

No, not at all Mary. I wouldn't mind either way if DD wanted children or not. All I want is for her to be happy and settled. She did say that she would like to get married one day, but there is no way I would tell her that she might change her mind about having children because she might well not.

I'm not desperate to be a grandmother anyway.

When I say I find it difficult to understand why others don't want kids, I'm not judging, I'm just explaining my own personal feelings. I don't eat meat, I haven't for most of my life and, to be honest, meat doesn't seem like food to me. I can't imagine eating it because, to me, it would be like eating paper. It's weird - to me. However, I would never judge anyone else for eating meat. I never look at dh eating a bacon sandwich and think 'what a waste of a meal'. It's the same with having kids. My two have bought me such contentment that not wanting kids isn't something I can identify with, but I'd never judge others because I believe in everyone's right to choose. It would never occur to me to question any of you who choose to stay child free as to your reasonings behind your choice because I'd be much more interested in chatting about the things that make you, you. Hopefully, you would see me as more than just a mother. Having a child and being a mother isn't the definition of being a woman. The op seemed to be questioning this and I was trying to say that, whilst I wouldn't chose to stay child free, you have to do what you want regardless of what anyone else thinks. Anyone who is rude enough to question your choice needs to have a word with themselves. I hope I've explained myself a bit better.

I found not having children very lonely; being cut out of societal norms primarily.

We can't have kids... and I did what you are doing now, looking at the bad parts of parenthood to convince myself it was a choice.

What I've come to realise is we are actually happier than anyone else we know in terms of our relationship and daily life.

We love each other and don't "need" a baby to bond us. I think a lot of people have kids to keep them together/save their relationship.

We are the opposite. .. we chose each other over imaginary kids, as my husband could have left me to find a woman to have kids with but he chose me instead!

I certainly don't need a mini me running around (after all what's so special about me?!)

And when I think back to "wanting" kids; I now think it was more of an "it's expected" / natural next step in a marraige rather than an actual want.

Whatsername I didn't mean to be rude to you. Sorry if it came across that way.

You said you didn't understand not having children and I get this because I can't understand the mindset of wanting or having children! I just get very defensive because society is so keen to tell women that there's something wrong with them (faulty wiring in our wombs or our brains) if they don't want children. I get that you weren't saying this though

Not at all, Mary. It would be boring if we all thought the same.

I found not having children very lonely; being cut out of societal norms primarily.

Maybe I've been lucky on that. All my local friends are either childfree or their children have grown up & moved out, so in my circle it's very normal.

I hate to say it but my friends became baby bores!

I don't find it hard to understand why others don't want kids. They're a great pleasure but they also take a lot out of you. Not everyone wants or feels able for that. Seems obvious to me really.

don't assume/think/say that your daughter might change her mind.

I agree. I'm 17 and don't want to have children; I find myself qualifying that with "though I know I may change my mind" if I say it now as my mum (who is fantastic and supportive) has suggested in the past I'll "probably" change my mind (though doesn't anymore). Maybe I will but it's not something I feel I'm likely to want.

NoLoveofMine See when I was your age did I actually just write that I was almost militant about it and I would never qualify it with "I might change my mind". I'd known my whole life at that point that I wouldn't have children so I felt passionately that no-one had the right to tell me I'd change my mind. It drove me nuts because basically everyone would tell me I'd change my mind, then I'd get really annoyed and end up sounding like a stroppy teenager!

I'd love to go back to those people now and say "We had a conversation back in the early 2000s where I said I didn't want children and you said I'd change my mind. Remember? Well, fuck you, I haven't changed my mind" Bit weird though

MaryJObliged I was until very recently militant about it but felt I'd qualify it due to insistence I couldn't necessarily know how I'd feel in future from others. Somewhat irksome though it is I appreciate my mind could change even if I'm pretty certain it won't. It's also because I don't want to end up sounding as you put it (though doubtless do on occasion)!

Lots of people I know did not actively choose to have kids. They thought they would like kids one day, and then had a contraceptive failure.
I do think that posters who say you should not have kids unless you really want them, are correct.

I think your OP is a bit uninformed. I have 3 very young children and have a lie in every so often, financially we're much better off now, my body is fine and not ruined and our marriage is much better, the children have really bonded us.
Having children completely changes you, forever. However much you might love your DH, your child will be the first person you ever really love more than you love yourself. The first person you would, without even a seconds hesitation,give up your life for.
Having children was the best thing I ever did.

My life plan when I was a teenager was to be an Olympic sailor and then win the Americas Cup and every other sailing competition there was. Children were never even thought about as they are, naturally, incompatible with that life.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer and lost a leg and was I was probably infertile in my early 20s and suddenly I realised that I did want children and the thought of not having them was devastating. The dreams of Olympic sailing was also over so I concentrated on my career as an academic and over the years the feelings of grief rescinded and actually I e,braced being child free (I was a step mother to 5 children, mostly grown up, however).

When I first found out I was unexpectedly pregnant at 39 it was a shock and, instead of feeling happy, I seriously contemplated an abortion. Although I couldn't go through with it I did feel very detached from my daughter for the first few years of her life. I had my second child about 18 months after my first and that just compounded my feelings of my life not being mine anymore. I hated the baby and toddler stages and would find any excuse to work abroad for months on end just to feel like me again. I loved them, but in an abstract way. I truely think that if it wasn't for my husband being such an amazing father and willing to do the majority of the parenting, ,y children would probably have ended up in foster care. He never judged me, however, and said that fathers had gotten away with being distant for years - in fact he was with his eldest ones - so why shouldn't a mother feel the same?

Now they are 11 and 8 and I can honestly admit that I love spending time with them and enjoy their company. I go away less and do more with them when I'm at home. I still don't think that they have as strong a bond with me as they do their father, but we plod along.

However, if I could go back I would not have had them. It was supremely stupid and selfish of me to deliver these two children into the world when I was woefully incapable of giving them the love and time and patience and the mother that they deserved. My children are wonderful, but it is no credit to me.

Very honest post ZeeZee and I'm sure you can take some credit for your children

Thank you snoopy. We are getting closer as they get older and they don't seem to resent me for being a crap mother yet!

I didn't know for years. Then we tried and it didn't work for years. Our first round of IVF was successful and our little girl is the best thing that's ever happened to us both.
She was the thing my hands had been missing, holding her is a joy. It's the strongest and most overwhelming rush of love. I'm so glad we have her.

I always desperately wanted children, and wanted them as soon as possible. Always imagined having at least 4. Had DD at 25 and it was bloody hard work. No family support, DH was useless at the time, she was a terrible baby and screamed non stop for the first 5 months, never slept etc. I didn't love the baby days and found it very hard, not helped by the fact all my friends were still in the going out and having lots of fun stage. I'd always assumed we'd have #2 within two years but I certainly wasn't ready then! We ended up with a 3.5 yr gap. #2 was easier than #1 as a baby but still not brilliant at sleeping and also cried a lot.

But we were better prepared- I told DH he had to step up more and told him now lonely I'd felt when DD was born, and we also threw money at the situation and I had some help after DS was born which I know we were lucky enough to be able to afford.

Fast forward 4.5 years and kids are now 8 and 4.5 and we are not having more. They are still hard work but our life finally feels easier and I LOVE having them. They are funny, good company and half term last week was a joy. Obviously there are still times when it's very, very hard, juggling work and kids, when they won't go to bed, when we walk past childless couples having lunch in peace in the sun etc. but I wouldn't change them for the world. Plus, when #2 is 18 I'll only be 47 so plenty of time to do my own thing!

It's rather inconsiderate for so many people to be all.. "oh yes kids are the best thing ever!!!" When you know the OP is struggling to conceive.

Oh for goodness sake pigeonspray.

Thank you so much to everyone who has opened up about their experiences. I have read every one and it has helped me to know that there are many ways to skin a cat, so to speak. My life will probably be still good with kids or without kids. To answer a question that came up repeatedly: in all honesty I do have the yearning. I would love to have a baby and would be over the moon if I got pregnant. Thanks for helping me to realise that. You're all correct that having kids must be an emotional decision that is about love or none of us would do it! Wish me luck. I will keep trying. Thank you all.

Babies can be hard work, but amazing. They have given our life purpose, and meaning. I had a good job & life before children, but now we are a family.

Seriously the bickering, sleep less nights, constant laundry all disappear when you toddlers takes their first step, or says they love you, run to you when they are sad, so so many magic moments. And your life won't be exactly the same but you can still do so much with children, we took 3 children to New York road trip and it was amazing.

In my forties now, never had the biological drive thing and always knew this would not change. Many people said I would change my mind, nope never did. I have lots of child free friends and a few with children. Totally unscientific but in my circle of friends the child free ones seem happier, more energetic, closer relationships.....