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AIBU?

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Original poster

He put his tongue in my fucking mouth

205 replies

PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:18

I know I am not being unreasonable at all, more a 'what would you do' but posting here for traffic.

My team at work is largely young people in their twenties (I'm 29). We're lucky to mostly get on well and a number of us are good friends, so there's a far amount of work related socialising.

We had a work event all day yesterday which ended with a lot of us in a pub all rather drunk. We have a fairly new man in the team, about 4 months in? He's about 24. We are a very female heavy team, and the other men aren't really 'guys guys' which he is. I've tried to get on with him though he's probably not someone I'd be friends with outside the group.

When I was saying goodbye to everyone I was going round and giving everyone a peck on the cheek. When I got to him he didn't cheek peck, but turned his mouth onto mine and stuck his tongue in my mouth. Not even like a kiss but maybe... trying to be cheeky or funny? I have no idea. But honestly it felt quite aggressive. I pulled away and I think said something like 'what the hell?' (I was quite drunk so can't remember the detail) and just left to get a cab with my friend. We hadn't been talking for a couple of hours so it wasn't in the context of anything, I was just saying goodbye to everyone. Not that that would be any difference, it was wrong and just gross.

I'm really pissed off, DP is pissed off. Essentially how dare he? It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable but I feel really weird and just not happy. It's a massive over step in so many ways. What the hell was he thinking?

I'm not sure what's best to do? Speak to him next week and say 'what the hell? That's really not ok and I want an apology'. Possibly speak to our team leaders? (also fairly young women) I don't want to blow it out of proportion but I think I'll have my guard up with him now which is not how I want to function at work. It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable and I'm not a sensitive sort, but this would be wrong whoever he did it to and he needs to know this isn't acceptable.

What would you do?

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 20/05/2017 13:21

Sounds like a bit too much was drunk by him, what a twat

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:22

Oh I'm sure he was very drunk, but I don't really think that's an excuse. I know many men who would never think to do such a thing no matter how drunk they were.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 20/05/2017 13:22

Sounds like everyone was a bit too drunk - he's probably feeling a bit weird if he remembers too!

anotherpoisonprince · 20/05/2017 13:23

I would request a line manager/team lead facilitated a conversation with him where you can say his behaviour is unacceptable and why it is unacceptable and expect a verbal apology. At the very least. I would be very surprised if an official warning was given tbh.

LineysRun · 20/05/2017 13:24

That's disgusting. I'd want a bloody apology, too.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:25

He's already been warned about his behaviour after very loudly discussing a drunken rugby escapade involving prositutes in the middle of the office. I think this would be a second strike.

OP posts:
Areyoufree · 20/05/2017 13:26

I've been out with some extremely drunk people - none of whom would do anything like that! I would speak to him. Then I would decide what to do based on how he reacts. I don't think you can just ignore it though - you'd never feel comfortable with him. If he's extremely embarrassed and apologetic, then I might give him the benefit of the doubt. Once.

CandleLit · 20/05/2017 13:26

Straight to the manager with this. He can still be held to account despite it being an after work social event.

anotherpoisonprince · 20/05/2017 13:28

He sounds a delight. I'd also expect it to be a second strike given the prior incident.

StarUtopia · 20/05/2017 13:29

This reply has been deleted

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ZaZathecat · 20/05/2017 13:29

This was outside the workplace as I read it so I don't thing complaining to management is appropriate. Personally I would avoid talking to him and certainly wouldn't be getting close enough for a peck on the cheek again.

nokidshere · 20/05/2017 13:29

I'd speak directly to him - I don't see what it has to do with work if it was purely a social event.

But then I think it's weird that you would go around kissing work colleagues goodbye after a few hours in the pub anyway - especially ones you don't like/get on with Confused

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 13:29

Then strike two it is. That behaviour is not on,drunk ot not

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 13:32

How ironic that some posters are all let it go when it comes to the guy but more than happy to dissect OP's behaviour,how much she drank,her habits etc.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:35

I get on fine with everyone, it's a very friendly social team. A kiss on the cheek goodbye is not unusual. The fact I was drunk had absolutely nothing to do with his behaviour.

OP posts:
MaybeNextWeek · 20/05/2017 13:35

This isn't anything to take to a line manager with, it happened outside work and is nothing to do with work.
Just keep your distance, tell him clearly he behaved inappropriately and to please keep his distance.
Then if it spills over into work and his attitude changes toward you, that's when your involve line managers.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:36

We'd been out at a think all day, including lunch, afternoon events and the pub from about half 5. His behaviour is not acceptable whatever the context. It's to do with work because I will have to work with him. I have tried to be friendly and inclusive, as I would with everyone, but I will be less so now.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 20/05/2017 13:37

How ironic that some posters are all let it go when it comes to the guy but more than happy to dissect OP's behaviour,how much she drank,her habits etc.

? I haven't read anyone saying any such thing - we must be reading different threads!

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:37

Should add one of our team leaders was out with us, the other wasn't as she's pregnant. We have very minimal hierarchy. I regularly drink with/socialise with colleagues at all levels of the firm.

OP posts:
Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:38

Someone above told me not to get so drunk in future? My drinking has no bearing on his behaviour. That's verging on victim blaming tbh (not that I'm feeling victimised, just pissed off)

OP posts:
MaybeNextWeek · 20/05/2017 13:39

'It's to do with work because I will have to work with him'
If once you tell him his behaviour was appalling he becomes difficult or unpleasant that's when you escalate.

kittybiscuits · 20/05/2017 13:40

He has definite boundary issues. I would tell your manager. It will also give them back up evidence when there is further misconduct.

CandleLit · 20/05/2017 13:40

People who say that because it is outside work it doesn't count are just plain wrong.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:40

Yes that's my gut feeling of best course of action

OP posts:
MyFavouriteName · 20/05/2017 13:41

I'm actually HmmShock at some of these responses. It's technically a sexual assault. I'm not suggesting you report it or anything if you don't want to but I'm not sure "let it go" and "don't get so drunk" are appropriate responses either! A woman has a right to not have some random tongue in her mouth, no matter how drunk she is.

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