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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He put his tongue in my fucking mouth

205 replies

PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:18

I know I am not being unreasonable at all, more a 'what would you do' but posting here for traffic.

My team at work is largely young people in their twenties (I'm 29). We're lucky to mostly get on well and a number of us are good friends, so there's a far amount of work related socialising.

We had a work event all day yesterday which ended with a lot of us in a pub all rather drunk. We have a fairly new man in the team, about 4 months in? He's about 24. We are a very female heavy team, and the other men aren't really 'guys guys' which he is. I've tried to get on with him though he's probably not someone I'd be friends with outside the group.

When I was saying goodbye to everyone I was going round and giving everyone a peck on the cheek. When I got to him he didn't cheek peck, but turned his mouth onto mine and stuck his tongue in my mouth. Not even like a kiss but maybe... trying to be cheeky or funny? I have no idea. But honestly it felt quite aggressive. I pulled away and I think said something like 'what the hell?' (I was quite drunk so can't remember the detail) and just left to get a cab with my friend. We hadn't been talking for a couple of hours so it wasn't in the context of anything, I was just saying goodbye to everyone. Not that that would be any difference, it was wrong and just gross.

I'm really pissed off, DP is pissed off. Essentially how dare he? It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable but I feel really weird and just not happy. It's a massive over step in so many ways. What the hell was he thinking?

I'm not sure what's best to do? Speak to him next week and say 'what the hell? That's really not ok and I want an apology'. Possibly speak to our team leaders? (also fairly young women) I don't want to blow it out of proportion but I think I'll have my guard up with him now which is not how I want to function at work. It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable and I'm not a sensitive sort, but this would be wrong whoever he did it to and he needs to know this isn't acceptable.

What would you do?

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 20/05/2017 16:47

if I were to report a sexual assault it would be to the police, not to my manager at work if it didn't happen on work premises!

I'd report this particular sexual assault to my employer Gwenhwyfar because though the police and the Crown Prosecution Service might be sympathetic, they would be unlikely to proceed. However, my employer would, as they did when a remarkably similar assault happened to me.

If it was a different sexual assault, like for instance my assailant shoving his penis in my mouth uninvited, as a PP mused, you can bet I'd go straight to the police and expect them to take it very seriously indeed.

ChristmasFluff · 20/05/2017 17:22

My initial thought was that I would put it down to drunkenness and forget it - but then I saw he had form. Definitely report it.

As for my WWID - I have form for drawing blood by biting the tongue of a man who did this to me. I only wish I'd bitten harder.

ChristmasFluff · 20/05/2017 17:23

But it was the second time someone else had done it to me - after the first, I decided if anyone ever did that again....

hiddenmnetter · 20/05/2017 17:42

If I was your manager and you had proof of this I'd be formally interviewing (recorded notes signed etc.) him and issuing a warning of some kind that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable and then finding out what sort of resolution you found acceptable (as per policy, an apology or some such).

If you had no proof of this I would still be formally interviewing him and seeing what his version of events was. Depending what his account is I would either issue a warning or leave the matter there. The interview still goes on the record, and then finding out if you're satisfied with the outcome.

Either way this isn't a career ending move but as a PP said if he escalates this behaviour or does it to someone else it's good for the evidence to be on his file. Dismissal for sexual assault is a gross matter and would require a body of evidence such that, on the balance of probabilities, a reasonable person would believe that these events had taken place.

Essentially you should report this to your line manager, and it should be dealt with formally and recorded. Anything less is insufficient.

limitedperiodonly · 20/05/2017 17:47

Good for you ChristmasFluff but the OP is asking for advice on what to do WRT to going to work on Monday.

It's all very well talking about biting someone's tongue or kicking him in the nuts but she didn't do that.

Underbeneathsies · 22/05/2017 01:06

Sorry if I haven't made myself clear, sticking something into someone without their consent is sexual assault.

I've worked in a rape crisis centre in a large city and am a trained counsellor.

To say I'm 'over the top' in my reaction to what happened to you just emphasises how little information is available.

OP you were sexually assaulted. It doesn't have to be a penis, it could be a body part, or an inanimate object like a screwdriver, or lightbulb, and it doesn't have to be your vagina, it can be your mouth or anus, or if he made you put your hand on his penis, or if he came on you without your consent. If you were a prostitute and your punter didn't pay after you performed a sex act on him, that's rape.
Sorry to be so graphic, but the level of ignorance on this thread is very depressing.

Minimising these kinds of sexual assaults is why we have a victim blaming culture.

That man chose to do that to you. What he did was a crime. It was sexual assault.

Please ring a rape crisis centre and talk with someone who is trained to listen in an non judgemental way to your concerns.

This is not an over reaction. That man committed a crime. He sexually assaulted you. Flowers

TheStoic · 22/05/2017 01:57

There's a reason why no Prosecutors want women on juries at rape trials.

This thread is a great example of why that is.

PortiaFinis · 22/05/2017 03:03

OP I agree with previous posters that you should report this. Could you perhaps informally discuss with your line managers first? I have no HR experience or anything so don't know if that's an incorrect way to do things.

TheStoic surely the majority of posters on this thread have been rightfully angry on the OP's behalf and advising her to report.

Only a small percentage have minimised what happened or victim-blamed. Do you think that number would be smaller on a predominantly male forum?

Ethylred · 22/05/2017 06:29

This reply has been deleted

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TheMaddHugger · 22/05/2017 06:45

I think the Manager was there as well

Ethylred Mon 22-May-17 06:29:57
"I was quite drunk so can't remember the detail"

That is a tiny bit relevant. Are you sure that you would you like to tell it to your manager?

and why wouldn't she tell the manager, she has No reason not too. Just because she was drinking didn't mean she 'Asked' for it.

Way to blame the Victim

TheStoic · 22/05/2017 06:47

Do you think that number would be smaller on a predominantly male forum?

I wasn't talking about a forum. I was talking about a jury. And it's not just a matter of what I think.

Thankfully, most posters have been supportive of the OP. I certainly hope she takes it further.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/05/2017 07:03

Revolting bastard.

I wouldn't be so quick to put it down to him trying to be cheeky or funny op, I think it was an attempt at a display of dominance.

Personally, I'd speak to him, and say what he did was vile and over the line, and any repeat of anything similar, to you or any of the women at work, and you'll unleash all seven realms of hell on him.

Paul your post was great, your neices are lucky to have you.

Raven you come across as an utter tit btw.

mogulfield · 22/05/2017 07:15

In my line of work, work socials are an extension of the work place. A senior manager pinched a woman's bum and got the sack.
You've had some great advice here, definitely speak to your line manager, unacceptable behaviour.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 22/05/2017 07:20

Unbelievable some of the comments, attitudes and opinions here. I despair.

OP I would both speak to the arsehole and inform management, today.

It doesn't sound like he is a great fit for your any team.

Ethylred · 22/05/2017 07:32

Victim blaming? Idiot. Merely warning that telling the management that your idea of team-leading is to get so drunk that you don't know exactly what's happening might not advance your career.

Trollspoopglitter · 22/05/2017 07:37

" If you were a prostitute and your punter didn't pay after you performed a sex act on him, that's rape."

What the actual fuck?! So by that reasoning, a rapist's defence can be that he believed I was a prostitute and after he assaulted and raped me he paid me so it's not actually rape?!

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 22/05/2017 07:49

Only a small percentage have minimised what happened or victim-blamed. Do you think that number would be smaller on a predominantly male forum?

Probably not, but I don't think that's something to pat ourselves on the back for. The number of such posts on here is shocking enough.

I hope that everything goes OK today, OP.

Lulu1083 · 22/05/2017 07:57

Trollpoopsglitter

Eh? That is not what that sentence means at all!

It says if you were a prostitute then you have only agreed to perform the act with a condition -I.e. Money changing hands. Same if you agreed to sex with a condom and he then didn't put one on, still rape.

This doesn't mean at all a rapist can throw money at you after the fact and get away with it, and prostitutes still have the right to refuse anything they don't want to do.

elephantscansing · 22/05/2017 13:51

OP, what have you decided to do?

Trollspoopglitter · 22/05/2017 14:25

Lulu, can you please point us to a credible source with legislation? I understand what you wrote but if if unpaid but consentual services can be considered rape simply because they're unpaid, then there is a huge flip side of that same coin that rapists can exploit.

I can't find any source to back up what you wrote, so it would be great if you could point me to where I can find this.

Underbeneathsies · 22/05/2017 14:30

thanks lulu, read my post again troops.

As I said Ive worked in a rape crisis centre and with sex workers. If there was an agreed price and an agreed sex act, then if the punter doesn't pay, it's rape.
Police take all rape charges equally seriously, whomever reports it. There is no difference between a sex worker, a countess, or someone who has had a few drinks. A crime against the person has been committed.

Rape and sexual assault isn't about sex, it's a crime against the person, and a display of power and dominance meant to humiliate and subdue the other person. It's used as a weapon of war.

Please report this OP and phone a RCC professional to listen to you.
You may be running on anger and adrenaline now, but this may come back in strange ways.... I'm not saying it will, but it might, and it's good to have a listening ear anyway.
There's an open door policy in rape crisis centres, and they will take your call anytime to listen.

If anyone else wants to ring them, please feel free to do so. Flowers

Mrsmadevans · 22/05/2017 14:40

" If you were a prostitute and your punter didn't pay after you performed a sex act on him, that's rape."
Surely that would be fraud? or theft?
Hope you are ok OP
HE IS VILE

Trollspoopglitter · 22/05/2017 16:17

Thank you for the lecture in what rape is, but can you please cite an actual source? I'm genuinely interested in reading more about this.

Lulu1083 · 22/05/2017 18:32

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-25404711

This link shows a man jailed for raping a prostitute. He paid her for sex once then wanted more for his £20 Angry