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AIBU?

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Original poster

He put his tongue in my fucking mouth

205 replies

PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:18

I know I am not being unreasonable at all, more a 'what would you do' but posting here for traffic.

My team at work is largely young people in their twenties (I'm 29). We're lucky to mostly get on well and a number of us are good friends, so there's a far amount of work related socialising.

We had a work event all day yesterday which ended with a lot of us in a pub all rather drunk. We have a fairly new man in the team, about 4 months in? He's about 24. We are a very female heavy team, and the other men aren't really 'guys guys' which he is. I've tried to get on with him though he's probably not someone I'd be friends with outside the group.

When I was saying goodbye to everyone I was going round and giving everyone a peck on the cheek. When I got to him he didn't cheek peck, but turned his mouth onto mine and stuck his tongue in my mouth. Not even like a kiss but maybe... trying to be cheeky or funny? I have no idea. But honestly it felt quite aggressive. I pulled away and I think said something like 'what the hell?' (I was quite drunk so can't remember the detail) and just left to get a cab with my friend. We hadn't been talking for a couple of hours so it wasn't in the context of anything, I was just saying goodbye to everyone. Not that that would be any difference, it was wrong and just gross.

I'm really pissed off, DP is pissed off. Essentially how dare he? It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable but I feel really weird and just not happy. It's a massive over step in so many ways. What the hell was he thinking?

I'm not sure what's best to do? Speak to him next week and say 'what the hell? That's really not ok and I want an apology'. Possibly speak to our team leaders? (also fairly young women) I don't want to blow it out of proportion but I think I'll have my guard up with him now which is not how I want to function at work. It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable and I'm not a sensitive sort, but this would be wrong whoever he did it to and he needs to know this isn't acceptable.

What would you do?

OP posts:
OhTallulah · 20/05/2017 13:56

You are victim blaming StarUtopia, she can get as drunk as she wants, he had no right to do that.

Ravenblack · 20/05/2017 13:56

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kittybiscuits · 20/05/2017 13:57

Fuck me sideways....

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 13:57

Oh, and ignore Ravenblack.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 20/05/2017 13:59

Its sexual harassment which ever way you look at it BUT .... (I was quite drunk so can't remember the detail) that comment - can you be relied up on make a competent statement? If you are so drunk you cant quite remember - can he? Did any one else see? If there are no witnesses, your word against his - and you were both three sheets to the wind then if I were the line manager I would not be following this through as a disciplinary.

PortiaCastis · 20/05/2017 13:59

Oh God what a creep someone should bite his tongue then he would keep it in his mouth

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:59

Kissing hello and goodbye on the cheek is a perfectly normal and acceptable thing to do, at least in the circles I run in. He certainly could not have thought I was 'going in for a snog', I had just said goodbye and pecked on the cheek the other (female) colleague he standing with. I was clearly saying goodbye. There was nothing to misread.

I also never said I didn't like him, just that unlike a number of other colleagues he isn't someone I'd probably socialise with outside of work specifically. I've got on perfectly fine with him, just not really really friendly.

OP posts:
Plumkettle · 20/05/2017 13:59

I once stepped out for lunch with a colleague who was the office "joker" and we were walking down the street, he stuck his tongue in my ear.

It was so gross and unexpected that I yelled at him there and then but he shrugged it off with a "humour failure" comment.

I didn't report it though as I was met with the kind of let it go "advice" the OP has been given here.

A few weeks later, he asked me to step into his office for a moment and when I did, he quickly went behind me, shut the door and told me to turn round. It took me a few moments to realise he was rubbing his dick and then tried to grab my hand.

I reported to HR but surprise surprise he denied everything and as there was no proof, and because I hadn't reported the first incident, my complaint was dismissed.

Please report this OP. You were sexually assaulted and he should NOT get away with it. Being drunk is NO excuse.

Dolallytats · 20/05/2017 14:00

Someone did that to me at a works do when I was 18. I am now 43 and I wish I had had the confidence to say something then. I definitely would now........an uninvited tongue in your mouth. Disgusting behaviour from him.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 14:00

I was drunk enough I don't remember if I said 'what the hell' or 'what the fuck'. I remember all other details and was perfectly competent.

OP posts:
Ravenblack · 20/05/2017 14:00

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Ravenblack · 20/05/2017 14:01

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NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 14:02

Definitely don't forget it. This man has no respect for women (which he also showed loudly taking about his escapades with prostitutes at work) or their boundaries.

MaybeNextWeek · 20/05/2017 14:02

'I was drunk enough I don't remember if I said 'what the hell' or 'what the fuck'. I remember all other details and was perfectly competent'

What was his reaction when you said wtf or wth? did he look sheepish did he laugh at you? How he reacted would be the factor for me on how I'd proceed.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 14:03

I'm not just going to brush it under the table, he needs to know it's not acceptable behaviour whatever the context

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 14:03

I have a right to an opinion as much as you do, so shut it.

Who said you didn't? I advised the OP to ignore you as you're playing down the incident. Hardly the same as saying you have no right to an opinion.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 14:04

He laughed/smiled? I was rushing out so just left quickly. It probably wasn't hugely clear to anyone else around what he'd done. I told my friend I was getting the cab with as soon as we got outside. She agreed it was gross and innapropriate

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2017 14:05

You had clearly been BOTH drinking too much.

  • why, what behaviour of hers was inappropriate?

OP, second strike indeed.

Report to manager. Work functions count as work. He assaulted you.

BattleaxeGalactica · 20/05/2017 14:05

Let it go officially and don't get so drunk in future! Shock

WTF have the OP's drinking habits got to do with this?

It's an assault, OP. Up to you whether you take it further but personally I would especially given he has form for behaviour that even being charitable is highly inappropriate. If he's only been there four months chances are he's on probation and they can either get rid before he becomes even more of a liability or extend to see if he can actually behave.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 14:06

I think assault it a step too far but certainly not acceptable behaviour.

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 14:06

why, what behaviour of hers was inappropriate?

Exactly. Surely the advice not to drink should be given to the person who acted inappropriately whilst drunk. The OP did absolutely nothing wrong.

seaweedhead · 20/05/2017 14:06

It wasn't just "inapropriate" it was sexual assault. Drunkenness is no excuse.

gillybeanz · 20/05/2017 14:07

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RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 14:08

@Ravenblack so a world where a woman that is being made uncomfortable or sexually harassed(miron or not) by a man is told that is ok to feel like that,she doesn't have to put up with it,she is not to blame,or have her behaviour on trial,there are options of what actions to take etc is a bonkers world?

CandleLit · 20/05/2017 14:09

Doesn't matter if the OP and/or co-worker was drunk. It was his conduct (tongue pushed in OP's mouth) that is important.

Being drunk isn't a get out of jail free for people to sexually harass other people.

Being drunk doesn't give everyone a green light to sexually harass you either.