He put his tongue in my fucking mouth

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I know I am not being unreasonable at all, more a 'what would you do' but posting here for traffic.

My team at work is largely young people in their twenties (I'm 29). We're lucky to mostly get on well and a number of us are good friends, so there's a far amount of work related socialising.

We had a work event all day yesterday which ended with a lot of us in a pub all rather drunk. We have a fairly new man in the team, about 4 months in? He's about 24. We are a very female heavy team, and the other men aren't really 'guys guys' which he is. I've tried to get on with him though he's probably not someone I'd be friends with outside the group.

When I was saying goodbye to everyone I was going round and giving everyone a peck on the cheek. When I got to him he didn't cheek peck, but turned his mouth onto mine and stuck his tongue in my mouth. Not even like a kiss but maybe... trying to be cheeky or funny? I have no idea. But honestly it felt quite aggressive. I pulled away and I think said something like 'what the hell?' (I was quite drunk so can't remember the detail) and just left to get a cab with my friend. We hadn't been talking for a couple of hours so it wasn't in the context of anything, I was just saying goodbye to everyone. Not that that would be any difference, it was wrong and just gross.

I'm really pissed off, DP is pissed off. Essentially how dare he? It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable but I feel really weird and just not happy. It's a massive over step in so many ways. What the hell was he thinking?

I'm not sure what's best to do? Speak to him next week and say 'what the hell? That's really not ok and I want an apology'. Possibly speak to our team leaders? (also fairly young women) I don't want to blow it out of proportion but I think I'll have my guard up with him now which is not how I want to function at work. It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable and I'm not a sensitive sort, but this would be wrong whoever he did it to and he needs to know this isn't acceptable.

What would you do?

NRTFT but I sympathise with you op. This happened to me on christmas morning when a neighbour dropped off a present. Still not over it.

kids I think you need to relax. Travelling as an uptight Englishwoman with issues may result in you avoiding perfectly ordinary exchanges that you clearly can't handle. But if you lived in those countries for any length of time or married into a mediterranean family, you'd either have to pull yourself together or be labelled the weird Englishwoman who can't kiss anyone. Either way blaming the OP for a young man taking the piss is totally unacceptable.

😮 I don't have "issues"! No-one has taken offence as far as I am aware about my not wanting to kiss and/or hug acquaintances

Totally hilarious that on a thread about women having the absolute right not to be kissed if they don't want to be you just called me uptight for not wanting to be kissed. No-one has the right to kiss anyone else without their permission.

I have not victim blamed. I told the OP I thought she should speak directly to the man. My views on kissing in the workplace (or any other place) were a direct reply to a question asked by the op.

Good point Liney

No-one has the right to kiss anyone else without their permission.

This. It cuts both ways. There are polite ways of making it clear that you would prefer not to air kiss / hug / shake hands. If handled gracefully and politely then it's a non-issue. It's when people refuse to accept 'no' for an answer that there's a problem.

Doesnt matter of it was outside work, you were assaulted by a co-worker and he should be disciplined harshly by your line management.

I imagine if you said he groped you a lot more people on this thread would agree with the above. I dont see how sticking your tongue down someones throat is any better than groping.

You can see where many juries come from, though.

Very much so. That's why these attitudes are so dangerous and have to be challenged - there will probably be countless people on every jury in a case of sexual violence who believe them which makes it even more difficult for convictions to be secured.

I understand the dilemma you face Paper and it's not a nice subject to be dealing with in your mind over your weekend break, a time to rewind.

I myself reported a colleague (it wasn't sexual) on a confidentiality issue. I had no qualms about doing it as it was necessary. The colleague wasn't fired, but instead was given a training course. I was happy with that. Thankfully, I do not have to work every day with this person though.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I think he knows exactly what he is doing though. He clearly needs to rein his behaviour in, especially given the demography of the office.

Totally hilarious that on a thread about women having the absolute right not to be kissed if they don't want to be you just called me uptight for not wanting to be kissed. No-one has the right to kiss anyone else without their permission

So you seriously do not grasp the fundamental difference between a social air kiss, which is done between friends, family, work colleagues, and sticking your tongue down someone's throat? And then you claim you don't have issues.

Your disapproval of the fact that the OP air kissed this man as if she should known what he would do, claiming you would never do such a thing, shifts the responsibility for his behaviour onto the OP.

So you seriously do not grasp the fundamental difference between a social air kiss, which is done between friends, family, work colleagues, and sticking your tongue down someone's throat? And then you claim you don't have issues. Your disapproval of the fact that the OP air kissed this man as if she should known what he would do, claiming you would never do such a thing, shifts the responsibility for his behaviour onto the OP.

Of course I understand the difference, that still doesn't mean I have to do it if I don't want to does it?

Where have I said I disapproved? I simply asked a question based on the OPs original description of the man involved. The op then explained perfectly that it was the norm in her circles.

"I'm actually hmmshock at some of these responses. It's technically a sexual assault. I'm not suggesting you report it or anything if you don't want to but I'm not sure "let it go" and "don't get so drunk" are appropriate responses either! "

I agree, but if I were to report a sexual assault it would be to the police, not to my manager at work if it didn't happen on work premises!

I asked why she kissed him simply because she said that he wasn't someone she got on with particularly and wouldn't be a friend outside of work.

Because she was kissing/air kissing everyone as she said goodbye and if she'd treated him differently it'd be an obvious snub? Social conditioning innit...

And why does what i would or wouldn't do have any bearing on what others do? If you want to kiss random people in other countries just because it's "normal" knock yourself out - but I still wouldn't do it! As is my right.

I'm not an overly tactile person, in fact the air cheek kissing is already my acceptable compromise to avoid the incessant hugging hello and goodbye that many of the people around me choose!

I for possibly the third time, I also never said I didn't get on with him, but he isn't someone who's company I would seek outside work specifically. I am close with a number of others in the team and do choose to spend my leisure time with them.

Because she was kissing/air kissing everyone as she said goodbye and if she'd treated him differently it'd be an obvious snub? Social conditioning innit...

Of course it is social conditioning. That doesn't mean we have to conform to it....

Disgusting behaviour, I would have been appalled in your shoes OP.

Where have I said I disapproved? I simply asked a question based on the OPs original description of the man involved. The op then explained perfectly that it was the norm in her circles

You asked why she kissed him when she didn't get on with him, when she knew he had boundary issues and he had been flirting with colleagues - as if it was in any way relevant, implying, even if it wasn't overtly stated, that it was a mistake to do so.

The tone, content, your insistence that would not have done so - communicated a) disapproval and b) the belief that the incident could have been avoided if OP had behaved differently, rather than if he had.

Whether you are willing to admit it or not that subtly shifts the responsibility for the incident onto the OP.

Perhaps you really are so naive as to not have grasped from the story her air kissing him was a social norm in that context, but I find that hard to believe.

Yy BBCNewsRave

The point is the OP was perfectly ok with air kissing him, it was the tongue in the mouth she objected to, and that's completely normal.

You asked why she kissed him when she didn't get on with him, when she knew he had boundary issues and he had been flirting with colleagues - as if it was in any way relevant, implying, even if it wasn't overtly stated, that it was a mistake to do so.

I asked her after I had said she should speak directly to him and I asked her simply because I can't imagine kissing some voluntarily in those circumstances. That does not negate what he did or make it her fault.

But I can't take you seriously anyway because you called me uptight because I don't like to be kissed by random people - victim blaming?

Exactly. A polite air kiss on the cheek is an acceptable greeting/goodbye in my circle. Putting your tongue in someone's mouth is not.

God the victim blaming and handmaidening on this thread is depressing. And a big fat FUCK YOU to the poster who said at least he didn't put his penis in her mouth of course it says sexual assault. Poor you OP raise it with your manager on Monday

Hugs and air kisses are completely normal in many workplaces but aren't my cup of tea.

I radiate a force field which thankfully repels most of them but some people get through. I don't mind if it's an innocent mistake. Those people get the message through my body language to never try it again and we move serenely on as if nothing has happened.

Only one person has ever stuck his unwelcome tongue down my throat. That was assault. We both knew it and so did our management.

I asked her simply because I can't imagine kissing some voluntarily in those circumstances

Because apparently you really didn't understand that social air kissing has nothing to do with with whether you like someone but simply a form of greeting like a handshake.

I don't actually believe that you're that naive but I can see it's the only way you can wriggle out of the implications of your post.

You can kiss or not kiss whoever you want, but actually not to be able to cope with air kissing at all is uptight in my book. And no that is not victim blaming because you are not a victim.

And none of this is really anything to do with the matter the OP is posting about.

OP, he has form for this - I'd report him to your manager on Monday. It's completely inappropriate and he obviously has no sense of boundaries.