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AIBU?

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Original poster

He put his tongue in my fucking mouth

205 replies

PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 13:18

I know I am not being unreasonable at all, more a 'what would you do' but posting here for traffic.

My team at work is largely young people in their twenties (I'm 29). We're lucky to mostly get on well and a number of us are good friends, so there's a far amount of work related socialising.

We had a work event all day yesterday which ended with a lot of us in a pub all rather drunk. We have a fairly new man in the team, about 4 months in? He's about 24. We are a very female heavy team, and the other men aren't really 'guys guys' which he is. I've tried to get on with him though he's probably not someone I'd be friends with outside the group.

When I was saying goodbye to everyone I was going round and giving everyone a peck on the cheek. When I got to him he didn't cheek peck, but turned his mouth onto mine and stuck his tongue in my mouth. Not even like a kiss but maybe... trying to be cheeky or funny? I have no idea. But honestly it felt quite aggressive. I pulled away and I think said something like 'what the hell?' (I was quite drunk so can't remember the detail) and just left to get a cab with my friend. We hadn't been talking for a couple of hours so it wasn't in the context of anything, I was just saying goodbye to everyone. Not that that would be any difference, it was wrong and just gross.

I'm really pissed off, DP is pissed off. Essentially how dare he? It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable but I feel really weird and just not happy. It's a massive over step in so many ways. What the hell was he thinking?

I'm not sure what's best to do? Speak to him next week and say 'what the hell? That's really not ok and I want an apology'. Possibly speak to our team leaders? (also fairly young women) I don't want to blow it out of proportion but I think I'll have my guard up with him now which is not how I want to function at work. It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable and I'm not a sensitive sort, but this would be wrong whoever he did it to and he needs to know this isn't acceptable.

What would you do?

OP posts:
SnickersWasAHorse · 20/05/2017 14:35

'She made the first move'? Are you kidding?
So if she'd put out her hand to shake it and he stuck is dick in her hand that would be ok because she made the first move?

There is a massive massive difference between a goodbye peck on the cheek, which I do with most of my friends, even the drunk men, and a sexual kiss.

I can't believe the 'you were drunk' and 'move on' comments. He inserted a part of his body into a part of her body without consent either explicit or implied.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 20/05/2017 14:36

Cheek pecking / air kissing is extremely common in my industry and is considered a polite form of greeting and way of saying goodbye.

As with so many things, just because you've never encountered it yourself doesn't mean that it's not a 'norm' for other people.

Elendon · 20/05/2017 14:37

Ladylap

Imagine his HORROR AND DISCOMFORT if his female colleagues stuck their TONGUE in his MOUTH. OMG!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure though you would give him a nice cup of tea and tell him to forget it.

CandleLit · 20/05/2017 14:39

The law makers are quite clear on this. Hat he did is against the Equality Act. So all the law makers in the UK and Europe have created this "special snowflake" society we now live in.

Mrsmadevans · 20/05/2017 14:42

He sounds a dirty old man in the making . I feel defiled for you op

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 20/05/2017 14:45

Love the comments about the special snowflake society.

If by that you mean a society where men don't get to impose their physical whims on women without consequences. A society where women have equal rights, bodily autonomy and the entirely reasonable expectation of being treated equally in all walks of like including the workplace. A society where men understand that women aren't just fuckholes to pick up and put down according to the demands of their libidos. A society where a woman can go to a work function and not have a bloke stick his tongue, uninvited, in her mouth just because he feels like it...

Then hell yeah, sign me up for the special snowflake society, because I don't want to see my nieces raised to think that they have to put up with unwanted physical advances from a man just because that's what men are like and as a woman, it's your responsibility to second-guess them and manage their unpredictability

It's depressing and sexist for both men and women.

nokidshere · 20/05/2017 14:45

As with so many things, just because you've never encountered it yourself doesn't mean that it's not a 'norm' for other people

I didn't say I hadn't encountered it, just that I hadn't done it! And I've always managed to make it perfectly clear to all colleagues that I do not want a hug or kiss from them as a greeting.

I asked why she kissed him simply because she said that he wasn't someone she got on with particularly and wouldn't be a friend outside of work. She also already knew he had boundary issues due to previous behaviour in the office and the fact that he had been flirting all night with other female colleagues. I would be even less likely to kiss someone with those inappropriate behaviours already flagged

Toffeewhirl · 20/05/2017 14:47

Unbelievable victim blaming on this thread!

Social kissing is very normal where I live (South East; work in media). Maybe it isn't normal everywhere and in all jobs, but that is irrelevant to the issue being discussed because the man shouldn't have done what he did. It was in no way the op's fault and I'm shocked that anyone could suggest it was. He assaulted her.

Some years ago, I went to a work social thing and one of my colleagues hit another colleague. He was disciplined for it at work because, even though he wasn't at work, he had been at a work-related event.

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 20/05/2017 14:50

Not done in my part of London OP , the cheek kissing or air kissing .

Perhaps you are in the posh parts

I'd have walloped him one I think but can understand your shock at the time . What a twat. Whether report him or not , that is your decision to make but if he was THAT drunk then perhaps it was also a mistake on his part ? Its tricky but no way is this your fault.

Italiangreyhound · 20/05/2017 14:50

I would speak to him at work on Monday and explain what he did was totally unacceptable.

Drunk or sober, it is not on.

In your shoes, if I felt worried, I'd ask a female supervisor or boss to join you and speak to him privately on Monday, just good to have another person present. It is work related in that you work together and went out as a group from work.

Be prepared for him to deny all knowledge of it. But if you are not making formal complaint then of course it doesn't really relate if you get him to 'confess.

For me, an apology would be nice but for me the main thing would be that he does not do it again.

Good post PaulDacresFeministConscience.

Underbeneathsies · 20/05/2017 14:51

Paperdoll, you've been sexually assaulted.

No need to think you did anything wrong. He chose to do that to you, same as if he had decided to take your handbag. It's a crime.

I'd see my manager about this and press charges.

I've met many drunk people and none of them have sexually assaulted anyone. I have been jumped on and had a tongue stuck down my throat a few times though, and that was sexual assault, and no alcohol was involved. The alcohol isn't the point, or relevant.

My commiserations. Give a rape crisis centre a call if you'd like to talk it through with people who are there to listen and help in a non judgemental way.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 14:53

"Bringing the firms name into disrepute" Hmm we weren't carrying a banner with the company name on? Drinking is perfectly acceptable in our sector, we drink and have late nights in the office. This is not unusual behaviour, our team leader/line manager was with us, photos of the night will be shared publically in the office

OP posts:
Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 14:54

I'm not going to report him to the police are call rape crisis, what an extreme over reaction. I've been sexually assaulted in the past, as many of us have, this was stupid and gross but certainly nothing to bother the police with. He's just a stupid boy and I will tell him as much.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 20/05/2017 14:54

I kiss people on the cheek. I have managed never to stick my tongue in anyone's mouth. Even when they were drunk. Go me.

MaybeNextWeek · 20/05/2017 14:54

' Give a rape crisis centre a call if you'd like to talk it through with people who are there to listen and help in a non judgemental way"

While I agree what he did was totally wrong do you not think that is a bit^ of a overreaction?

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 20/05/2017 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TatianaLarina · 20/05/2017 14:55

nokids - socially, and in this particular work context, air kissing is a general greeting - it's not based on whether you like someone or not.

I'd suggest you don't leave the country because in Europe everyone kisses everyone - sometimes twice. Shock

nokidshere · 20/05/2017 14:57

I'd suggest you don't leave the country because in Europe everyone kisses everyone - sometimes twice.

Don't be ridiculous. I have travelled extensively. I have never been kissed by someone that I didn't want to kiss me. In this country or any other.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 20/05/2017 15:01

Sorry to interrupt your thread, OP, we just wanted to remind everyone that we do not advocate victim blaming on Mumsnet, and link to our We Believe You campaign – please do have a read. We will remove victim-blaming posts, so please do report any of these that you see, and we will take a closer look.

Elendon · 20/05/2017 15:02

It was a sexual assault. Calling him a stupid boy sounds a bit Mr Mainwaring. But it's your call.

I've been sexually assaulted in the past (no tongues were involved in one of them) and this I would regard as a sexually motivated assault. And I was the 'cool girl' in the office too. It's a breach and he knows it.

TatianaLarina · 20/05/2017 15:04

kids I think you need to relax.

Travelling as an uptight Englishwoman with issues may result in you avoiding perfectly ordinary exchanges that you clearly can't handle. But if you lived in those countries for any length of time or married into a mediterranean family, you'd either have to pull yourself together or be labelled the weird Englishwoman who can't kiss anyone.

Either way blaming the OP for a young man taking the piss is totally unacceptable.

Elendon · 20/05/2017 15:07

If he had stolen a lipstick from your handbag and you later discovered he did it, as in it was on display on his table, what would you do?

He's a creep. And his behaviour needs to stop. Please do not feel guilty about reporting it. He is the one who should learn from his behaviour by losing his employment.

Original poster
PaperdollCartoon · 20/05/2017 15:07

Elendon no, fair point. I think the issue is it did feel aggressive and not funny. He clearly doesn't understand boundaries, his exchanges with other females in the team have showed that. Largely I feel like he will do something like this again, and I feel protective of the rest of the team, which is mostly young women in their early twenties

OP posts:
LineysRun · 20/05/2017 15:10

Thank you YetAnotherBeckyMN.

You can see where many juries come from, though.

ooh it wasn't the most serious kind of assault

ooh his career ...

ooh she'd had a drink

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 20/05/2017 15:11

I didn't say I hadn't encountered it, just that I hadn't done it! And I've always managed to make it perfectly clear to all colleagues that I do not want a hug or kiss from them as a greeting.

Fair enough nokids but my post was a general response to the comments from people saying they'd never encountered this. It wasn't specifically directed at you.

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