AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

Your thread reminds me so much of a recent poster. Different situation but the characteristics of your spouses are very similar - charming, driven, selfish.

I'll see if I can find the thread, as you may find it useful to read.

My ds is doing them next year too - maybe we should have a support group!!

Found it - here it is.

Similar set up; OP was a SAHP who was very much in the role of facilitator, whilst her H moulded family life very much to suit his wants and needs. A very good HH income so money no issue. Have a read as some of the themes may be useful for you.

A tax return is a serious document. You should not be signing it without fully understanding all the numbers. How on earth can you be declaring it is correct if you have no idea what it should say. That gives you a way in to discussing the finances in more detail.

supermoon, again, your experience is one side of things. Others on here have talked about 'rural' childhoods dominated by noisy cars and roads.

Another similar situation: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2919192-AIBU-to-buy-DH-dinner-from-Wholefoods-and-let-him-think-I-made-it

And another one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2908953-DH-as-self-proclaimed-Head-of-the-House-Any-tips-please

Just ask him to email yours and his tax returns for the last 4 years and if he is an employee his last two P60 forms. That is a perfectly reasonable request to make of a spouse. I did both our tax returns but my husband always saw and checked what I put on there.

I know this sounds pessimistic, but if DH died or left you it would be difficult to sort out your finances if you don't know anything about your joint income or assets. Nobody expects to be suddenly bereaved or separated but it happens to women like you every single day. Have you both made wills?

Thankyou for the links - I'll have a look properly later on. At least he hasn't proclaimed himself head of the house I would just laugh if he did that. He does have a mentality of doing what he wants when he wants though. I think a lot of men are like this actually. They just don't feel the guilt.
He does have a will, yes. I don't even know if he does his own tax return to be honest. I think his accountant does it and he checks it. I agree I should know about this and maybe it's a little strange that I don't.

I know someone who was dutifully signing off her tax returns every year. Seriously regretted it when they were enquire into and it turned out the accountant had been trying out some new ideas. First built enough her husbands returns were totally vanilla!!

And not all men are like this at all

Different abilities require different schools I found for my two once they reached senior level. You may also find that DS1 would prefer and flourish as a weekly boarder so it is worth you looking for yourself rather than rely on your husband's POV.

My ex and I also always had a joint current account but much later in our marriage I kept a separate savings account (which he knew about because I was a lower rate tax payer so it made sense IYSWIM)

We always had separate tax returns too. You mention that your husband has a Will. Have you seen it? Do you have a 'mirror' Will? (which si the norm for married couples) What are the provisions for your DS should something happen to both of you?

If not, please make this a priority for your children's sake.

No, "men" are not like this. Your H is.

He's an arrogant, manipulative, selfish, self centred arsehole. You'd honestly be better off without him.

He doesn't seem to have any emotional attachment to you or the kids - most likely as a result of being sent away from his own parents (and siblings?) at a young age to board. You're just appendages to be moved around at his will. If my spouse even suggested sending our kids away to boarding school I'd divorce him and seek full physical custody, and I say that as someone who doesn't consider the idea of divorce lightly.

If this was my husband I'd just bluntly tell him that it's not all about him, and that the kids and I are staying put and whatever he does next is up to him (stay or go), but if chose to move, he'd be doing it on his own. I'd just become a broken record about it and not enter into any discussion.

He does have a mentality of doing what he wants when he wants though. I think a lot of men are like this actually. They just don't feel the guilt

Absolutely not true. My husband isn't like this in the slightest, and nor are most of my friends' husbands.

My DH is not like that either OP. I was the trailing spouse for a stretch and everything has always been decided between us, together, right down to whether he plays golf or I go to yoga or whatever.

What a strange way to live a "grown up" life

Yes but in all seriousness, are your husbands extremely wealthy and professionally successful men.

It's a common trait amongst men on very senior positions. Not amongst all, but certainly many.

Nope. My husband is very senior, successful and earns very highly. He's nothing like OP's husband. I have full knowledge of all our assets, homes, mirror wills etc. We make all financial decisions together.

I'd never sign a document without a comprehensive understanding either. I'd like to see him try and waft a paper under my nose for a random signature!

I'm not a sahm, but surely sahms should even more diligent with financial matters as they are vulnerable??

The thing is, when you sign a tax return there's a declaration - can't remember the exact form of words but it's to the effect that to best of your knowledge and belief the info is correct. Sounds as though your tax return may include income from lettings and maybe other income - so presumably you have all that info?

Whatthefox, in fact a lot of stay at home mothers because they have the time often do 100% of the finances actually, pay all bills, complete the tax retruns, decide on savings, pensions and investments.

We get so many women on the Mn divorce threads on here who don't know the first thing about the family finances or the money hidden off shore never mind the secret mistress. I would recommend everyone has sight of their partner's tax return, bank statements, P60s, details of savings and investments and knows in whose name the family home and any other properties are in.

I take the point that other couples are different, but I have no reason to think he would be acting in anything other than my best interests. Why would he? I know he's bought at least one flat in my name. He has a friend who is a property agent and finds him properties which they renovate and sell on. I think they have about 6 going at any one time. We just see everything as joint anyway. He's back tomorrow so I will ask him.

You are legally responsible for property in your name and your tax return: you need to know what's going on with all that, at a minimum.

As a PP has said there is many a MN thread where women with relationship problems are having problems to do with being in the dark on financial stuff. If he has your interests at heart he should be happy to share information.

I would focus more on the london question and the overall condescension, people are getting carried away with the finances issue. It's not uncommon, ideally you have much clearer access but can work on that later!