AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

[Deven7]

canoso - your thread resonates with me as my DH has some similarities. He's also a product of boarding school. I think it's because they're told from day one to "keep busy" so as not to get homesick. Keeping busy becomes a coping mechanism through life. As does "compartmentalising" as a PP put it earlier.
Sorry no real advice that hasn't already been given. If he loves you he won't want to make you unhappy, so stick to your guns!

[canoso77]

FizzyGreen - he is much better than his own father who he never really had a relationship with. He went full-time boarding 2 days after his 7th birthday. He says this was normal in the 70s . It's anything but normal as far as I'm concerned and what was the point of that?
I've had the conversation with him loads of times that him just being there is enough for the boys - no need to be on a mission about something all the time. He's better than he was.
He is very very good to me in lots of ways and it's not as if he dragged me off with his work. I can't imagine him working part-time. He would probably go crazy and send me crazy as well.

[canoso77]

BitOut - he does have a nice way with the boys. He can be quite strict about manners and behaviour, but he knows how to have fun with them too. Sometimes I can feel a bit left out tbh. He's definitely a good influence on them in many ways and I wouldn't accept anything else. But no, having a weekly commuting dad would hardly be an improvement.

[FizzyGreenWater]

So much of this is about boarding school and its effects.

He doesn't have a 'map' for family life in the same way you do... and now he's away a fair bit through their childhoods and you are the SAHM, that sense of distance, and of perhaps just not really getting it, is probably still in place in a way.

For example, that idea of needing a 'thing' to engage them through is nonsense. But he's bought it completely, it makes sense to him. He will not have spent formative years simply around his parents, simply being. He will have most memories mediated through events - holidays, reunions.

Anyway, that's kind of off the point of this thread in a way. OP, your situation really made me raise my eyebrows. I think this is your lighbulb moment when you realise that your H is a very, very smooth character who has played a blinder in making sure that your marriage and life is set up so that, effortlessly, he is the one in charge, holding the purse strings, and utterly convinced that he is the most important one in the family.

It will be very interesting for you to point out that it seems that the 'as long as we're all together as a family, nothing else matters, doesn't matter where we are' only seems to apply to you putting aside your preferences for his. I'd be quoting that line back at him. And telling him that if he's all for family and consolidating with the boys, then now's the perfect time for him to consider part-time work so that you can start your career back up, in London. What's that, he doesn't want to? But family is the most important thing, as long as you're all together!

He's had his way for your entire marriage, through a combination of low-level manipulation and your easy-going approach. This is the first time you've dug your heels in. Any reasonable person would conclude that you are long overdue to have a turn at making a family decision. And... he doesn't like it. Not Good At All.

[BitOutOfPractice]

It seems to me that he likes the idea of the kids much more than the reality. Some sort of Victorian idea that their day to day care should be palmed off on others (boarding school) but that their importance lies in the status and passing on of the name type stuff that they offer. How depressing.

[expatinscotland]

Your husband is beyond selfish and entitled. But I'm glad you will not leave London.

[Stormtreader]

"Mutual interest" isnt "heres the thing I like doing, and youre coming" though.

[TheAntiBoop]

Agree that getting the boys to drive it is probably the best (and quickest) way for him to find the mutual interest - he needs to beat in mind it may well be different for each though. You don't want one of the boys being dragged along just because the other two love it!!

I think it's important that dads show that they are carers as well though and I would also encourage him just doing the mundane every day with them too. Being close to his work should hopefully mean he can try and see them mornings/evenings which he would miss if you move

[canoso77]

MrsDash - I think he does have a different perspective on parenting to me, you're absolutely right. He can be quite hands on, but I think he feels like he needs to focus on their longer-term needs. He wants to give them opportunities for the future. Someone once told him that if he hasn't found a mutual "bonding" interest with the boys by the time they're teenagers, then he's basically lost them. He often mentions this. The way he interacts with them is through "doing stuff". He likes getting them outdoors etc. So maybe he feels there would be more opportunities for this outside London.
Great advice thanks. I will think of something they can all do together in London. The boys writing a list is a really good idea.

[MissEDashwood]

For me the main thing isn't knowing for any kind of gain, but if you've signed things, then from now on you want to know what you're signing, you want a copy if possible. For nothing more than you understand what you're putting your name to.

For all you know you could have signed in the event of us splitting I don't want anything. I know that's an extreme example, but if you look at high profile divorces, the women are doing quite well, getting allowances and so forth.

It's nice that you are so trusting, I'd hope with all my heart DH had your best intentions at heart. For me, you have lots of assets, lots of money, things are secured for the futures of your DC. Does DH need to keep pushing making so much, it sounds like you're very wealthy as a family, at what point do you say to DH, what are your retirement plans, are you planning on stopping work completely.

Also I understand wanting to be really wealthy, so when you hit one target it's about the next, but is it beneficial, would you benefit more if over a certain period things were wound down? So he can spend more time with DC before say, the youngest, goes into boarding? Or from his childhood does he have a different perspective on parenting to you? You're more hands on, he's in the background, but does like the sailing etc with them.

I think the biggest lesson, having hobbled up the path of parenting, is it goes so quick, if your DH wants to establish a mutual hobby, that's better sooner than later.

That could be a selling point for you staying in London, so they have boys time together. Does that sound like something that would benefit you both mutually? With you popping down the odd weekend.

Possibly speak to DC and get them to write a bucket list of say 20 things they want to do.

You've have the resources to allow them to do lots, build those memories, try and knit in DH as much as possible.

[canoso77]

Thankyou so much for the kind words. It's lovely to get some common sense and affirmation because I think I am going through a period of re-evaluation, yes. I'm very grateful, thanks again.

[Orangetoffee]

Yes you made your choices but that doesn't mean you have to put up or shut up. It is fine to re evaluate your current set up and decide that you like to change certain things. It Doesn't mean that you don't love your husband or are unhappy, just that things change, evolve.

Staying in London is important to you, you shouldn't feel guilty about that, it is fine to be the selfish one for a change. (Not that I think you are selfish in this matter but I think you do) It is time for you to take back some of the power in your relationship.

[sunshinesupermum]

canoso no-one is querying that you love him and want to be with him. As some of us who speak from experience (in my case divorce after 30 years - my husband appeared to be a loving and caring man but it turned out that he'd been keeping secrets from me for our whole marriage!) sharing and being open with one another is a very important part of all relationships and this definitely includes finances.

You sound a thoughtful and loving person but please don't be misled into thinking that loving someone else is enough to secure a future. We all need to protect ourselves and this most definitely means knowledge of how you are involved in your husband's financial affairs.

You began this interesting thread by stating you were upset with your husband about his proposals to move the family out of London basically so he could pursue his own hobby without thought of the effect on you (and your sons). I quite understand (being a born and bred Londoner!) why you can't bear the thought of moving out!

I hope now

1. you've realised you are well able to stand up for yourself on not moving out (it sounds as if your husband has sufficient money to buy a weekend home and enjoy his sailing at the weekends, with or without his sons or you)
   
2. you start checking yourself for DS1's senior school options - he may well enjoy being a weekly boarder (many children do) even if you miss him it's what's best for him in the long run that you need to consider as I'm sure you will. It is certainly an option bearing in mind the huge competition there is for London day school places.
   
3. As for working - why not volunteer as you don't need the money yourself but you will gain so much by giving back to the community and I am sure you have much to offer)
   
   I wish you luck in tackling your husband as he certainly seems to know how to charm and get his own way!

[nocampinghere]

I think you're getting a pretty rough ride on here. No one knows your relationship or how your dh treats you. They can only project based on other threads/their relationship.

If you don't want to leave London you're perfectly entitled to say so. Your happiness is important.
The tax efficiencies / avoidance (NOT evasion!) are pretty commonplace and your dh probably leaves it all up to his accountants to juggle. Going forward I would insist on being involved in these meetings particularly where you are being asked to sign papers.
Try and get some understanding of your household finances, if only because if something were to happen you don't want to be completely in the dark.
Good luck, it's not easy to change dynamics after many years.

[JigglyTuff]

I can totally see how it's easy to get into your roles and, if you feel financially secure, that you don't feel you need to look very closely at what's happening.

I hope this thread has been helpful for you. I actually think you taking a bit more interest in your financial affairs will shift the dynamic in your relationship (as well as you putting your foot down about leaving London!). It seems like your responsibilities have become siloed over the years and your husband is used to making decisions for all of you. No more!

I think you're going to find a way through and your relationship will end up stronger as a result.

[canoso77]

I'm not sure what to say to some of this really. I don't think money or the fact I don't earn any has much to do with anything. It's more about personalities. I suppose I have adapted to him over the years, but when you have children your whole mindset changes anyway. I wouldn't be with DH if I didn't love him and want to be with him, so I made my choices really as everyone does.

[TheAntiBoop]

Another thing that concerns me is that he seems to be very busy - work, property developing, hobbies, share dealing etc etc

To me that suggests he is outsourcing a lot - sorry but he doesn't have the time to be totally on top of all the regulatory and tax changes that have been made in recent years. I really hope the people who are actually doing that for him are good because there are a lot of wide boys out there (xref half the entertainment industry being done over for 'tax avoidance')

[Jackiebrambles]

Agree with the others, it can be seen as a british trait to not want to talk about money, a bit vulgar maybe. But that is OUTSIDE the family. Within the family that does not apply I don't think.

[QuietNinjaTardis]

It's not 'his' finances though. It's family finances. He shouldn't have any problems telling you about it all.
My husband keeps me in the loop with everything he does with our money. He does all the investing because I wouldn't have a clue but I always know what money is where and why.

[nauticant]

I don't think the OP is acting as if she was "just a child" unless you are implying that every SAHM is so.

It's clear from the thread that the OP is very unlike most SAHM's in her circumstances. She has been passive for a long time, which is why she's struggling with the basic point of being able to say no to a suggestion of being relocated against her will. I think Naicehamshop makes a fair point in their being a bit of daddy and child in the relationship.

[Orangetoffee]

Maybe not a child but this is an hugely inequal relationship with the husband pulling all the strings. Is that really what they want to model to the children, the man earns the money so get to do what he wants when he wants whilst the woman picks up the slack.

As said before on this kind of threads, a gilded cage is still a cage.

[Dozer]

"When I was in OP's situation saying no to big opportunities felt like clipping his wings and I loved him too much to do that".

Did he love YOU (and any DC) enough to give equal consideration to your needs and wishes?

[Pallisers]

A friend of my MIL used to tell an amusing story about how when he went out with his now wife (they would now be married 50 years and more so this was the 1950s), she would prettily excuse herself when the bill arrived for dinner. The first dinner they had together on their honeymoon, she reached over and said "let me check that to make sure it is accurate". It was their money now.

It isn't British to keep your finances to yourself when you are married. To be honest, most married people like the fact that they can share everything with a spouse, including the fact that their investment went down or up or whatever. He is very compartmentalised (boarding school right?) but that doesn't mean you have to be the same - it is ok for you to refuse to accept the compartments he is imposing on your life.