AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

[Deven7]

Only skim read the thread but it looks as if the OP has been given some very sound advice.

The thing is, it's impossible to know what she is actually dealing with here. It's possible that she is actually no more naive than the next person, but if the H has multi-millions, a large shares portfolio, trades on the City Index, plus other business interests, their financial situation would be very difficult for anyone to keep up with, even an accountant, as it's likely to be very complex and continually fluctuating. She probably has an idea of the amount of wealth overall and this may be why she doesn't stress over the details.

The H could be a manipulative bastard.
On the other hand, he could be doing his best in the interests of his family and knows his wife trusts him to get on with it.

Nevertheless, knowledge is power. OP, I'm not sure why you feel your H "probably wouldn't appreciate" being asked about his finances? What's that about - you're his wife?

[supermoon100]

Sapphire I have a great deal of experience of living in both cities and countryside. And there are pros and cons to each. I was merely pointing out that there is a massive pollution problem in london at the moment. That is a fact you can't really argue with.

[SapphireStrange]

Wouldn't dream of arguing with that, supermoon. But you gave that as one of your arguments for the OP to move to the country; I was pointing out a counter-view.

[nocampinghere]

There's really little point in your working OP because you're clearly part of his tax affairs. You're probably a higher rate tax payer already so unless you're going to get a very well paid job, you'll take home very little straight in at at least 40% tax.

It's not that unusual a position in wealthy families to maximise everyone's tax allowances etc. Your kids are probably being paid somehow too (in a trust? i don't know the ins and outs of it) to use up their tax allowance.
It's not illegal. But you really should know what's going on especially with regards to your own tax affairs.

[Mix56]

The point of OP working can also be for her self esteem, intellectu,al stimulation mental health ......using your brain, interacting with other intelligent adults. safety net.......I could go on.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

No camping

I don't think that's factually correct tax wise ??

[I17neednumbers]

It could be stop, if op is receiving income from property - if there are a number of flats in her name total rent may take her into higher rate tax bracket. But I agree that there are many other reasons to work if op would like to.

[canoso77]

Thanks. He's home now but very tired.

Regardless of the tax situation, if I returned to work it would be for the stimulation etc. The money would be negligible really.

Deven - the reason I said, he wouldn't appreciate being asked about his finances is because he has that kind of 'British' thing about not liking to talk about money or how much things cost, etc. He's always been like that for some reason, but it's not because he's trying to fool me. I think I would know if I was married to someone dodgy. I can't think of a time when I've felt he was lying to me or I needed to second guess him. It's more the case that he's very direct and straightforward - sometimes to the point where he presumes to go over my head and that's more where the problem lies.

Anyway, the main thing for now is I'm staying put in London come hell in high water!

Thankyou again!

[Naicehamshop]

That is nonsense about it being a "British" thing not wanting to talk about money. Not want to talk about it to complete strangers - maybe. Not be prepared to talk to your own wife/husband about it, and go over their heads in a totally high-handed way....that's just an entitled arse thing. Nothing at all to do with being British.

[Naicehamshop]

In the nicest possible way op, you need to grow up a bit, become an adult and start to take control of your own life. At the moment you are just a child being looked after and humoured by "daddy".

[Beebeeeight]

Don't move!

[Pallisers]

A friend of my MIL used to tell an amusing story about how when he went out with his now wife (they would now be married 50 years and more so this was the 1950s), she would prettily excuse herself when the bill arrived for dinner. The first dinner they had together on their honeymoon, she reached over and said "let me check that to make sure it is accurate". It was their money now.

It isn't British to keep your finances to yourself when you are married. To be honest, most married people like the fact that they can share everything with a spouse, including the fact that their investment went down or up or whatever. He is very compartmentalised (boarding school right?) but that doesn't mean you have to be the same - it is ok for you to refuse to accept the compartments he is imposing on your life.

[Dozer]

"When I was in OP's situation saying no to big opportunities felt like clipping his wings and I loved him too much to do that".

Did he love YOU (and any DC) enough to give equal consideration to your needs and wishes?

[Orangetoffee]

Maybe not a child but this is an hugely inequal relationship with the husband pulling all the strings. Is that really what they want to model to the children, the man earns the money so get to do what he wants when he wants whilst the woman picks up the slack.

As said before on this kind of threads, a gilded cage is still a cage.

[nauticant]

I don't think the OP is acting as if she was "just a child" unless you are implying that every SAHM is so.

It's clear from the thread that the OP is very unlike most SAHM's in her circumstances. She has been passive for a long time, which is why she's struggling with the basic point of being able to say no to a suggestion of being relocated against her will. I think Naicehamshop makes a fair point in their being a bit of daddy and child in the relationship.

[QuietNinjaTardis]

It's not 'his' finances though. It's family finances. He shouldn't have any problems telling you about it all.
My husband keeps me in the loop with everything he does with our money. He does all the investing because I wouldn't have a clue but I always know what money is where and why.

[Jackiebrambles]

Agree with the others, it can be seen as a british trait to not want to talk about money, a bit vulgar maybe. But that is OUTSIDE the family. Within the family that does not apply I don't think.

[TheAntiBoop]

Another thing that concerns me is that he seems to be very busy - work, property developing, hobbies, share dealing etc etc

To me that suggests he is outsourcing a lot - sorry but he doesn't have the time to be totally on top of all the regulatory and tax changes that have been made in recent years. I really hope the people who are actually doing that for him are good because there are a lot of wide boys out there (xref half the entertainment industry being done over for 'tax avoidance')

[canoso77]

I'm not sure what to say to some of this really. I don't think money or the fact I don't earn any has much to do with anything. It's more about personalities. I suppose I have adapted to him over the years, but when you have children your whole mindset changes anyway. I wouldn't be with DH if I didn't love him and want to be with him, so I made my choices really as everyone does.

[JigglyTuff]

I can totally see how it's easy to get into your roles and, if you feel financially secure, that you don't feel you need to look very closely at what's happening.

I hope this thread has been helpful for you. I actually think you taking a bit more interest in your financial affairs will shift the dynamic in your relationship (as well as you putting your foot down about leaving London!). It seems like your responsibilities have become siloed over the years and your husband is used to making decisions for all of you. No more!

I think you're going to find a way through and your relationship will end up stronger as a result.

[nocampinghere]

I think you're getting a pretty rough ride on here. No one knows your relationship or how your dh treats you. They can only project based on other threads/their relationship.

If you don't want to leave London you're perfectly entitled to say so. Your happiness is important.
The tax efficiencies / avoidance (NOT evasion!) are pretty commonplace and your dh probably leaves it all up to his accountants to juggle. Going forward I would insist on being involved in these meetings particularly where you are being asked to sign papers.
Try and get some understanding of your household finances, if only because if something were to happen you don't want to be completely in the dark.
Good luck, it's not easy to change dynamics after many years.

[sunshinesupermum]

canoso no-one is querying that you love him and want to be with him. As some of us who speak from experience (in my case divorce after 30 years - my husband appeared to be a loving and caring man but it turned out that he'd been keeping secrets from me for our whole marriage!) sharing and being open with one another is a very important part of all relationships and this definitely includes finances.

You sound a thoughtful and loving person but please don't be misled into thinking that loving someone else is enough to secure a future. We all need to protect ourselves and this most definitely means knowledge of how you are involved in your husband's financial affairs.

You began this interesting thread by stating you were upset with your husband about his proposals to move the family out of London basically so he could pursue his own hobby without thought of the effect on you (and your sons). I quite understand (being a born and bred Londoner!) why you can't bear the thought of moving out!

I hope now

1. you've realised you are well able to stand up for yourself on not moving out (it sounds as if your husband has sufficient money to buy a weekend home and enjoy his sailing at the weekends, with or without his sons or you)
   
2. you start checking yourself for DS1's senior school options - he may well enjoy being a weekly boarder (many children do) even if you miss him it's what's best for him in the long run that you need to consider as I'm sure you will. It is certainly an option bearing in mind the huge competition there is for London day school places.
   
3. As for working - why not volunteer as you don't need the money yourself but you will gain so much by giving back to the community and I am sure you have much to offer)
   
   I wish you luck in tackling your husband as he certainly seems to know how to charm and get his own way!

[Orangetoffee]

Yes you made your choices but that doesn't mean you have to put up or shut up. It is fine to re evaluate your current set up and decide that you like to change certain things. It Doesn't mean that you don't love your husband or are unhappy, just that things change, evolve.

Staying in London is important to you, you shouldn't feel guilty about that, it is fine to be the selfish one for a change. (Not that I think you are selfish in this matter but I think you do) It is time for you to take back some of the power in your relationship.