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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

436 replies

canoso77 · 08/05/2017 10:03

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 11/05/2017 09:33

I'm sure it's all legitimate but you need to be a lot less blasé about this. Having a company and properties in your name is a serious matter which you should understand

Dozer · 11/05/2017 09:36

A company "in your name" Shock

Dozer · 11/05/2017 09:42

It's not just illegal activities that are restricted for civil servants.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/05/2017 09:50

canoso
A company in your name is not a good thing unless you know about it. Are you just a shareholder or a director. If you are a director then there are quite a few obligations and duties that come with that and the consequences of not meeting them can be serious.

I would suggest you deal with the London issue first. The final submission date for online Tax Returns is end of Jan so around September you can tell him that you want to be fully involved in the preparation of your Tax Return this time as you don't like signing an official document when you don't know exactly what it says and why.

Original poster
canoso77 · 11/05/2017 09:58

I will find out. I'm fairly sure there's some company, but no idea what or why. I need to know where I stand.
Dozer - he really wouldn't do anything that risked investigation.

OP posts:
Apairofsparklingeyes · 11/05/2017 10:03

Also, you've mentioned that DH has a will. Do you have one too? A will isn't just about money it's where you state your wishes about who looks after your children if you or you and DH are no longer around.

Original poster
canoso77 · 11/05/2017 10:07

Yes Sparkling, I do at least have that covered.

OP posts:
aginghippy · 11/05/2017 10:18

If there is a company in your name, you can search for yourself on the Companies House web site. It's publicly available information.

hopsalong · 11/05/2017 10:22

YANBU. Don't do it. He's being selfish: end of. And with a husband who is so inconsiderate (and ungrateful!) after his wife has repeatedly make sacrifices and adjustments for his career, I would take the point about going back to work very seriously.

What if you move to rural Dorset, are bored and miserable with no friends for five years, and then the marriage breaks up anyway?

I would feel very insecure about making the move. (I would also hate to live in a remote rural location -- after many years of living in Europe and the US I too value London for its cosmopolitanism. Post-Brexit, even more so.)

TheAntiBoop · 11/05/2017 10:24

I'm sure he isn't doing anything illegal (not so sure about ethical) but you need to be aware of everything in your name and also make sure you are happy for it to be in your name.

London is easily resolved. Just be broken record and he has nowhere to go.

Original poster
canoso77 · 11/05/2017 10:33

Aginghippy - thankyou for that. It looks like I was a company director for 4 years, but am now "resigned". Confused Nothing is "active" at the moment.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2017 10:38

The more I read, the more I think that your DH definitely sees you as a useful adjunct to his career, not a partner at all. I think you really do need to reassess things.

JigglyTuff · 11/05/2017 10:44

I suspect it's illegal to make someone a company director without their knowledge OP

BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2017 10:51

The op will have sighed something, presumably not knowing what it entails. Surprisingly common

aginghippy · 11/05/2017 10:54

Yes but she did know about it Jiggly, otherwise she would not have even asked the question. She did not know that she has stopped being a director.

I hope this thread has been a bit of wake up call canoso and in future you will not sign any tax returns or other legal documents until you have read and understood them.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 11/05/2017 11:08

I'm glad to hear that you have a will in place.

Original poster
canoso77 · 11/05/2017 11:09

I remember him telling me he needed me to be a director of something or other. Without wanting to make myself sound totally stupid (I've already done enough of that), I must have signed paperwork with no understanding of what it was. I don't remember "resigning" though. In future, I'll take more responsibility. Thankyou.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 11/05/2017 11:09

Honestly OP - have a read of this: www.icaew.com/en/technical/business-resources/legal-regulatory-tax-governance/directors-duties/the-icaew-guide-to-the-duties-and-responsibilities-of-directors

Those are your legal responsibilities as a director. If anything had gone wrong, you would have been responsible. It would not have been an adequate response to say that you didn't realise.

You've been lucky but you really do need to open your eyes a bit. And don't move out of London!

BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2017 11:47

I do know that I would be ok financially if things went wrong.

No you don't. You don't know anything. You didn't even know you were a company director. You need to wise up OP. Big time

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/05/2017 13:39

Company directors can end up personally financially liable if things go tits-up or even in jail - rare but it happens.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/05/2017 13:58

We could buy a holiday home yes, but he says the locals hate London families doing that as it destroys communities.

So he is more concerned about his image to a bunch of people he has never met than his wife?

OP you have had a lot of good advice here. I've worked with many men like your DH - they are of a type, not horrible but ruthlessly entitled and convinced they are right. I feel for their wives frankly - being a trailing or corporate wife is a tough gig and rarely gets much empathy because it can look pretty comfy from the outside.

Stay in London. There are plenty of school in London which can satisfy different needs (including the desire for a big name place).

Jackiebrambles · 11/05/2017 14:31

Fucking hell at the directorship.

A relative of my friend was a company director through her husband. Really in name only as she didn't have anything to do with the running of the business, just took a very small salary, signed some stuff that she was asked to sign.

She spent time in prison when the company went tits up. Director responsibilities are serious.

Take this as a wake up call - trust no-one!!

SapphireStrange · 11/05/2017 14:40

Fucking hell at the directorship.

yeah.

Like I wasn't pissed off enough when I thought the DH was 'just' a bit of an entitled male chauvinist.

timeisnotaline · 11/05/2017 15:09

Holy crap. I was all for 'of course you're financially ok etc' but you can't not know you're a director! And by not know I mean not have a clue about fulfilling your responsibilities- you were in complete breach the whole 4 years because you are obligated to know about it. I take care of our finances, I would tear strips off my dh for not making sure he was on top of this stuff if I made him a director of something. Good thing you resigned Grin

strugglinghuman · 11/05/2017 15:17

It seems a bit like you're blowing the lid on things you probably did know about and understand on an MN thread OP, and I'd be careful of implying otherwise if you might have broken the law Confused