AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

In your shoes, I would get a job, OP. It sounds like you're actually very vulnerable and have got so used to going along with his ways, there will be fireworks when you don't. I actually find it astonishing that it's a shock to both of you that you have different views on boarding! His wish to live elsewhere doesn't trump yours to stay put. I know he's been the main breadwinner, but NONE of that would have been possible without you - he wouldn't have had a family and home to come back to if it hadn't been for you! Yes, he might have earned the cash but you've been working behind the scenes for years. At best, I'd go for a compromise like a holiday home. At worst, I'd be wondering if there was a future for you together. I also sincerely hope that he's been paying into a pension for you during all the years you've been a trailing spouse...

I've just been through and read the thread; from about halfway I've been intending to post along the lines of "you need to start with a conversation about senior schools and work backwards from there". So no I'm not surprised to read your post about the discussion with their prep school head.

If as I'm guessing your eldest is perhaps 8 or 9, you have a little time but less than you might think, to really work through in discussion with your husband and then the school head again, what options exist and would be suitable or practical for senior school. And whether you are likely to end up with them in the same or different schools, and how much you wish to prioritise that. Whether or not the conclusion includes boarding of any sort or none! A number of senior schools pre-test in various ways; I'm not in London but get the impression that London school entry is scary!

If you want your sons in day school for senior school you need to be very clear about this and make sure everyone is on board, and find out where the realistic schools are. I would recommend you agree to visit at least one boarding option on condition that you properly visit the relevant day schools.

Don't rule out boarding for senior school completely though I understand where you are coming from. I would strongly agree that if their prep is good you shouldn't be moving away anywhere until the youngest goes to senior school. We've stayed put for sort-of that reason despite my husband having a difficult commute.

If you want to discuss boarding feel free to message me - we are a family that did not expect to send children to boarding school. Our eldest ended up in a boarding prep despite this and has just started senior school (requested to continue boarding) - the process contrasts with your husband's approach quite starkly. I was prompted to consider looking at a school due to our daughter's continued interest in something she couldn't do locally; I visited on my own, then took her on a visit day with strict instructions that this was for the one-off activity experience not somewhere we could consider sending her; my husband's attitude was transformed on the parents' tour and it was only after that that we started seriously thinking boarding might be right for her. (I well remember a conversation when our children were very small along the lines of "no child of mine will ever go to boarding school"). Having gone down the boarding route we are now looking at boarding school being right for the younger one as well, but it is incredibly important that everyone in the family feels it is the right option.

Good luck getting yourself heard and I hope you can find a way back into meaningful employment soon, I understand how you feel on that!

What Stormtreader said.

You do not need to engage with him while he waits (patiently) for you to blow up (if you are Italian I know this can happen pretty quickly lol). Just stick to your guns. Wishing you lots of luck!

OP be careful.

My mum was the trailing spouse. She did the big house in the country thing. And then they got divorced and it got nasty. She is okay now but there was a time when she had nothing in her name and had to live as a lodger in someone else's house for a couple of hundred pounds a month. Awful reversal for an independent woman in her 50s used to running her own house.

What saved my mum was a combination of a good lawyer and the fact that she has always run her own small business on the side. Just a sole trader, taking in maybe £1200 a month. But that was enough to rent somewhere independently and her savings from her business paid her lawyer fees.

She will never be as well off as my dad but today she owns a nice detached house and has her own money.

I grew up watching all this and determined never to be the second earner or sahm. It is my career we follow - which funnily enough led us to Devon! But I didn't expect dh to follow me down till he had found a job of his own down here. I would never expect him to uproot himself to a place where he had nothing on my say so.

So you seem vulnerable financially. Are you? And what lessons are your ds learning as they watch this play out?

re the boarding thing, watch out.

Secondary school applications in London are hugely competitive. Many "end up" boarding as it is far easier to get a place in a good boarding school than in a good day school.

Obviously Eton et al are very academic and very hard to get into before i get pounced on. However I know many families who "ended up" going down the boarding route as their dcs could get into more prestigious boarding schools but not into the prestigious popular London day schools. Just a heads up!

We moved to London for our children to have a better life and more opportunities - and they did (and still do!)! Both are very very grateful to us!

Yes, I grew up in a semi rural idyll cough. The place was riddled with drugs and so much small c conservatism that having two ear piercings in one ear was considered the mark of failed parenting and a life of loose morals.

I ran far far away to the big smoke as soon as I could and got everything pierced.

Grass and nocamping - that's exactly the issues we have. DS1 is the more academic one and they say he will do the pretests for St Paul's etc. DS2 is less likely to get in to that type of school though, though he's very good at sports. Boarding schools are generally less competitive, yes. Even Eton take a more rounded view of a candidate than just the academics alone. So do we look for a school that would fit them all, or end up with them potentially in different schools?

Sptinkle andJohnny - I don't think I'm too financially vulnerable due to assets which I assume would be split if we ever separated? I don't know how much he earns, which probably sounds crazy, but there it is. I do know he makes a lot more than his salary on positions on the financial markets and he's always had a portfolio and all sorts of "spread bets". He has money invested in various companies and funds, but I've no idea what all of them are. He bought a flat in my name and he lets some other flats and has some properties overseas. I admit I don't know how much he's "worth" or how I would access all this. I probably should, but it's always changing anyway. He does have a will which explains the procedures and where everything is. I suppose he could hide money, but I can't imagine he eould do that. He has put money in trust for the boys. I don't think I need to worry, but I don't know the full extent of what I would be entitled to, I admit. Hopefully, it will never come to that.

YANBU- and I say that as someone who adores Devon.

Just a word of warning. Spread betting is gambling, in the same way that betting on horses is gambling.

Just because it's betting on financial markets does not make it a financial investment, any more or less than betting on a poker game is.

So, the education question is paramount, and you shouldn't be doing anything until you have resolved the way forward on that. There's your line in the Devon sand.

re finances. I think you should ask to know more. You may not be 'vulnerable' as in, if you split up you'd get a court-ordered payout, but as a marriage of equals jointly responsible for the future of your DC, you should have more of an overall picture of the financial state of your joint affairs - and the decisions therefore that lead from that knowledge.

Knowledge is power.

God forbid you ever did split up, a Shit Hot Lawyer would be needed - and rest assured your DH would have one too. There are all sorts of ways for people to hide things; you'd want to start from a position of power, not ignorance and needing to beg for information that should be yours by right.

Do you have a will? (Asking as you mention your husband's will.)

I've only read half the thread but I just wonder why in 2017 so many intelligent woman are still in the position of having no more control of their lives than their children have?

please do something to change the incredibly vulnerable position you are in. If you don't even know where all the marital assets are how can you ever be in a strong position?

Sapphire, I had an amazing childhood in the country side. Walked most places. It really depends on how rural you are talking about. We absolutely did not depend on a car.

Ok, I really can't believe you're not more worried about this. He bought a flat in your name? Which you appear to know very little about? Do you know he provides adequately for the tenants there? Is everything safe and legal? You're either so well off between you that there really isn't anything to worry about moneywise, or you're so far into denial it's scary. I don't mean to sound rude, but how can you have followed your husband around the world for work and never known how much he earns? You must have some idea, surely? It all sounds so cloak and dagger. There are many opportunities for your other half to deceive you here. Maybe he won't, but you need to protect yourself in case things take a turn for the worse.

Nothing wrong with Devon and nothing wrong with moving outside London. But the OP has clearly had enough of trailing around after her husband and wants to be able to feel settled and hopefully return to her own work in the future.

I notice she mentions that she is not British. As an immigrant spouse (I live outside the UK) I tend to be much happier in big cities where it is more cosmopolitan and diverse--you can speak a minority language to your kids without getting weird/hostile reactions, that kind of thing.

How can you not know your household income, assets etc.?

Do you not sign off on a tax return every year?

You are presuming that your dh is investing wisely and your family has substantial assets. But the truth is he could be pissing it all against a wall and you would know no better.

Seriously OP. You are an adult. You have children. wise up and start expecting to see bank statements and investment statements regularly so you know where you all are.

You need to wake up asap.

I would not be at all happy with the gambling. Some kinds of financial activity might also be a disciplinary issue for civil servants.

Get up to speed with your financial affairs and responsibilities (eg the property).

On schools, London private secondary schools tests/admissions are hardcore and you will need to swot up, eg private schools section of the 11 plus forum website. Yes, your DSs will very likely go to different schools. Lots of secondary DC in London commute to school. If boarding is ruled out, make sure DSs' school know that: they will suggest day school options.

His best bet is just buying a wooden chalet in the south west so that he can get his swallows and amazons fix.

People do radically change their lives for the better/worse but both partners need to be on board for it to happen.

I adore the south west and dislike London but feel he's being selfish

I can imagine the position you are in. The guy is a diplomat, he probably hasn't wanted to bother you pretty head you with anything like finance.
It is not necessary, you have your rôle. He has advisors, an accountant.
You keep everyone healthy & happy. It ends there.

But how do you break through scenario this without friction ?
Can you say,
"I've been thinking about my situation, whether I go back to work & what happens when the boys are older. I need to know our financial situation to make some life choices".... will he laugh it off & say, "Oh no need to worry, we are very comfortably off"
You can then say, "I am not a child, I am your wife & partner & would like to know the finances, for example, could I start my own business ? could I open a nursery, cup cake shop, international language school (whatever). You are projecting & talking about moving to the SW & boarding schools, neither of which I am validating, where do I fit in ?"

As you say, you have several properties & a boat, He makes all the decisions & you know absolutely no details.
This is going to be an upheaval....

sorry, should read: how do you break through this scenario without friction ?

He is totally unilaterally moving the goal posts isn't he, to suit him and only him. I wonder if he would ever really be happy anywhere?

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

Thanks. He's definitely not doing anything illegal. He's been trading on the City Index since he was at uni. He had some losses, but it pays off overall. He has shares in various things which have paid off as well.
It's not that he wouldn't tell me his income, but I don't think he'd particularly appreciate the question, if that makes sense. Also, he would need to work it out himself. I do sign a tax return, but he just kind of tells me where to sign. He has no need to hide money and I just don't think he has it in him to do that. I suppose if I was worried, things would be different?

Thanks for the schools advice. DS1 is doing pre-tests for CE next year. DS2 is only one year behind him. I know it's hardcore!

We've always had a joint current account and I just use that day to day for everything. He's not strange or controlling about money at all.

My dh deals with our finances and I trust him. But I would never sign a formal document without checking it and understanding it first. You are leaving yourself very vulnerable and ignorance is no defence!

If he makes any sort of mistake or error it is your neck on the line and easily avoided by you just double checking your return etc.