AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

Yanbu.
I live in Devon, and it feels like a long way from anywhere, and it is not cosmopolitan at all.

He does have a mentality of doing what he wants when he wants though. I think a lot of men are like this actually.

This is absolutely not true.

I cannot believe you don't know what he earns and blithely sign tax returns with no understanding of their underlying preparation. Come on. You're a grown woman.

No wonder he thinks he'll talk you round. It's time to be an equal partner in your marriage.

We just see everything as joint anyway.

Then you have equal responsibility. You're letting him treat you as a child

Well you will see how much your interests count when you tell him you want to stay put!!

But honestly, be very careful about the finances - it is important you know what is in your name

YANBU

I live in Devon and I worry all the time about our two boys not being exposed to any diversity etc plus good schools aren't by he coast on the whole so you'd be quite limited in regards to area if he wants to sail every weekend!

I have no reason to think he would be acting in anything other than my best interests

well he's continuously been using his diplomatic training to manipulate you into acquiescing re everything.....
Playing disney dad to the kids isn't in your 'best interests' is it?

Why would he not be 'pleased' at you asking to see financial records?
They belong to you as much as they do to him, your name is on them, they will have tax/NI implications for you - so if you're thinking about returning to work then you need to get familiar with them.
You don't want to open your 1st paycheck and find you're in a completely different tax band.

If he dropped dead today or left you - how would you deal with the financial side if you don't even know where to look?
Even so, i think you're being incredibly naive/silly choosing to stay ignorant of your own finances, you're putting yourself in a very vulnerable position.

He is inherently selfish and extremely self centred - everything has always revolved around him and that's his norm.
It's been your norm too, until now.
it's YOUR turn to be the priority.

Also if he's bought a flat (or more than one!) in your name then if it's let out as another pp has said you're responsible for all the health and safety stuff, right to rent checks etc. Is there a managing agent doing all that?

I admit I am very naive about the financial side of things. It's hard to describe without going into specifics. I don't know the details of where everything is because he has an asset manager (I think that's what they're called) who handles the bulk of our finances. I do know that I would be ok financially if things went wrong. He probably would sit down and explain things, but in general, I suppose he feels I don't need to know the details of everything. He never asks me to justify any money I spend and I don't give him every detail of what I do with the boys or their school stuff either.

(Ignoring the financial issues and general concerns about the DH's relationship style)

"It's your decision"

"Great, I've made my decision. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, you will prize the greatest city in the world only from my cold dead hands."

I have friends who are very gung ho outdoor types and spend most weekends at the sailing club with their three boys. They manage this perfectly happily from a house in a leafy Surrey suburb within the M25 served by a variety of red buses and with three Overground train stations within walking distance.

To be fair DH has only the vaguest sense of where our money lives. Occasionally I give him things to sign and he just asks me to point his pen in the right place.

Go and see the asset manager.

The greener grass can often be astro turf.

"It's your decision"

"Great, I've made my decision. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, you will prize the greatest city in the world only from my cold dead hands."

Absolutely. Common sense 1: passive aggressive manipulative bullshit 0

What a condescending git. He gets everything he wants and you'll be too busy playing housemate to have time to care. How about you stay in London and he gets a pad in Devon by his boat?

*housemaid

I suppose he feels I don't need to know the details of everything
That is an extremely presumptuous attitude. What if he has an accident, can't deal with any of the assets/contact the manager but you need MONEY (for you, your dcs, him)??
I'm talking from experience with my own parents there and my dad was only in hospital for a week..... (and yes my mum thenfor more involved with all the financial stuff)

Besides, if he has stuff abroad and you have no idea of how much he has, you do realise that, if you split up, you have no idea of he has declared all the assets or not? So you might be OK but you might well also only get 25% of the overall assets rather than 50%.... and still be none of the wiser.

He could hide money abroad in theory, yes. It's hard for me to envisage that kind of scenario though, because he's not the money-grabbing type. He'd rather the boys had the money than himself, even if we were separated. He may be many things but he wouldn't let me struggle in that way. Also, I'm really not thinking about wanting to separate from him. He does have issues but I love him and he's my husband. I can't believe he's been away and there's been this whole thread. I am clear that I'm not going to Devon now though. I was worried I was putting myself before the interests of the family the other day when I posted. I will suggest he can move his boat somewhere nearer and I won't stop him going as much as he likes and I'll make an effort to go on his trips as well. I would be too lonely and bored down there and it might affect my mental health which is no good for anyone. He doesn't see the point of me getting a job. I can see his logic that for us time is more valuable than money, I'm his wife and I have 3 boys and I'm needed more at home and so on, but it's still a bit patronising. Anyway, I'm in no massive rush right now but I do want to keep my options open. He is 8 years older than me. I'm 38 and who knows what I might do in the next 10 years? I've had some great advice about how to deal with him and I hope he'll be ok and not resentful.
Trouble - I like that, "the greener grass can be astro-turf"

Ok let's assume he's the nicest guy in the world and would never intentionally do you over.
What happens if he has a heart attack and drops dead? You must must must know the details of your joint assess. You must know the details of his.

I have read so many threads on the relationships board that start like this and every single one goes the same way:

Oh he's done x, I'm annoyed
Oh he's lovely, he even makes tea for the kids!
No I don't have a job
No I don't know about the finances but he'd never let me and the kids go without

Then six months down the line he's squirrelling money away in Andorra, and the wife is scrambling to scratch enough together to keep the kids in school or have a roof over their heads. Men like this get their own way - if they do, they're lovely and if they don't, god help you.

Just maybe be aware of what you have? You could broach it as 'so and sos brother died and wife is in a terrible mess, I know it's a bit morbid darling but let's sort out all the finances just in case something happens to one of us, it's preying on my mind...'

I think you are a lot clearer OP and it's been a pretty good thread overall . A success I would say !

It's going to look a bit wierd if all of a sudden you start asking for financial data - the main issue is the clearly state your intentions to stay in London and to start discussing secondary school . Given the type of man he is and his income he isn't going to want to settle for the local comp is he ? We all need to line our ducks up

I have the opposite issue in that I have to get my (european!) sahp partner back to work (in London !) as we don't have enough money 💰

It's always interesting to see that regardless of how much money you have the same problems prevail

Good luck to all of us !

Well it's great you are taking this on board. Take it one step at a time.
Eventually I would try to meet the asset manager/accountant also.
If, & I fear he will he gets bolshy about paperwork, savings, assets, then you have another whole bag of worms to unravel

Yanbu at all, as hopefully you realise now. Stand your ground - your feelings are just as valid as his.

I do think you ought to inform yourself a bit more about your finances though. You sound rather passive (in a nice way) and I don't think that's going to do you any favours in the long run.

Just gone back and read the full thread - god, he sounds annoying!

I agree with pp that you need to sort out the living in London situation before any financial issues. It will be a huge step forward for you to assert your wish not to move away and I hope he will listen to you.

If he's spread things to use your tax allowance to 'save' on the tax bill, you might find that he's using a lot of your allowance with his assets, so you could be worse off working, which is why he's happy with you staying at home.

Once you've sorted the Devon issue, find a time when you say, we're not getting any younger. I just wondered what exactly is in my name, what you've got on shore and off shore, just so I'm not completely clueless should anything happen. I understand you have a financial advisor that sorts all of this out. Maybe add in most of my friends know exactly what their partners have, I feel a bit silly and clueless not having an idea.

The whole point isn't you're going to leave him, but you say he's 46/47, you really want things in check in case the worst happens.

It does seem slightly odd he's got all this money he can afford to renovate 6 properties, he also plays with stocks and shares. He's got finances abroad and in the U.K. It is to protect yourself should anything happen be it divorce or death or they clamp down on off shore stuff, the HMRC might not buy that you don't have a clue, given you've signed documents, they'd assume you were fully aware.

Glad it's all sorted in your head.

There's also the non-Dom rules and the new tax rules on second homes. Hopefully the person who prepared your returns is au fait with all of these things but I wouldn't take it for granted.

Thankyou for all this. It has been a wake-up call . Anything to do with tax you can be sure he'll be aware of it. I think I may even have a company in my name? He definitely won't be doing anything illegal, he can't afford to. I am confident he's always acted in our best interests. We have no mortgage, I do know that and he constantly plans for the future. I will ask him to write everything down and hopefully it will make sense. He won't mind if he can see I'm worried.
Good luck Stopf, by the way!