AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

[1bighappyfamily]

Better for the boys if they have a Mum who's miserable with an unfulfilling life? I don't think so.

Devon & Dorset may be beautiful, and I'm sure are great for some but they're not for us all. Also, in my experience, the wonderful "we'll do this that and the other with the children" ideas, when uttered from the mouth of a career focussed, long hours working parent NEVER get followed up. DH has all sorts of wonderful ideas, which he generally tries to execute last minute with no planning as to the consequences.

You'll have to pick up the fallout. And what, pray tell, are you supposed to be doing in this rural idyll where you don't know anyone when he's off on his travels?

Don't do it OP. He's living in fantasy land.

[Regressionconfession]

And congratulations on being so settled after moving around so much, it sounds lovely.

[liquidrevolution]

Fuck that for a barrel of laughs. I would stay put.

I moved rurally to be with my DH and still havent settled and made friends 6 years later. I really do feel like a square peg in a round hole 90% of the time.

[TurnipCake]

Yanbu

I moved from London to an isolated part of Devon and stayed there for 3 years for work. Three first year was nice with the novelty of beaches and the stunning landscapes but by the end of the second year I was going back to the capital whenever I had any free time.

[gleam]

London sounds much better for you now and especially for the boys when they are teenage

[gleam]

teenagers.

[Happyfeet1972]

I don't think YABU but neither is he. Without knowing more information it's unfair for pp to say he's had his turn to frolic /he's been prioritised as presumably it was his career that decided where you lived rather than him and that was I presume, to the benefit of the family rather than just him (I don't think working is normally considered frolic).

I've just gone through similar with my DP only I'm the one wanting to move elsewhere only it's very different in that we haven't moved around a lot. It does sound like you'd be better suited to a life in London and completey agree he's got a nerve to make the comment about the bigger house.

If you can, I think are there has the best solution. It's probably the best way to make sure one of you isn't left unhappy.However if you can't afford a compromise then I think London sounds like it would be better overall. He can still get down to the sea occasionally but I think Devon or Dorset would be miserable for someone who wanted to be in London.

[Armadillostoes]

OP YANBU. I sorry that you received such a thoughtless and patronising first response. This has to be a family decision.

How on earth can randoms on the Internet assert what is better for your children? Whether an individual child is better in London or the coast will depend upon their personality, school, friendship group etc etc. And having a contented parent is not insignificant to their happiness. If you are going to be miserable in a new place then that makes a difference to them.

It worries me that their father would have even mentioned this to the kids before it was agreed, much less presented it as a dream lifestyle. Did you challenge him about that and the pressure it has put you under?

[nagsandovalballs]

He should have his boat in lyminton or similar. My family friends did that and it was great - London in the week, house down in lymington - sailing every weekend in the Summer. Perfect! No issues with long miserable winters - didn't have to go.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I would refuse. Point out to him that his choice of job has controlled where you lived for more than a decade. Now its your turn.

How often will he be travelling? I could see that you could end up very isolated with him out on his boat or away with work and you with little to do.

[CruCru]

The thing is, you are going to get quite a few people on here telling you that they couldn't possibly imagine bringing children up in London and that almost anywhere else would be better. They don't like London and that is their point of view.

I love London, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else.

If you love London then stay in London. Your needs and happiness are as important as your husband's.

[Traalaa]

London's a fab place to bring up boys! YANBU at all, but I'm guessing you need to handle this carefully to avoid long term divisions. Why not tell him that yes you'll consider it, but as everyone's happy (including you!) you're not convinced atm. To show willing, could you spend a year doing holidays/ weekends down there so you can all see how it feels in reality? That way he might get bored of it, or equally you might fall in love with it!

[MackerelOfFact]

There is a huge scope for compromise between London and Dorset/Devon! Presumably this boat is mobile and could be moored or stored near any body of water?!

I would suggest that he moves the boat somewhere closer to where you are currently, and see how often he realistically uses it before making any other plans. Likewise, there are indoor climbing centres all over London - does he currently make use of those? If he doesn't currently make the effort to do these things, why would he change if you lived elsewhere?!

Also, simply preferring London is a perfectly valid reason for wanting to stay put.

[canoso77]

He's talking about commuting in to London a couple of days a week. He goes overseas regularly anyway.
I know it's beautiful down there, but I think I will feel too isolated. The area where we live now is very multicultural and there is a lot to be said for having everything in your doorstep.
The other thing I'm very upset about is that I put a lot of effort into settling the boys into this school and his attitude says to me that he has no understanding of this. I have no idea what the school options are down there and I will likely end up a taxi service, driving down lanes, etc. He said it's fine because most kids in those areas do weekly boarding! I'm so upset about that as well because I don't want them to board. What is the point of moving for that?

[squoosh]

YANBU

Stay in London and find a weekend rental where you can do boat stuff once a month. Norfolk maybe.

[CruCru]

Also, before you move, rent a house for a fortnight in the middle of January. After Christmas but before all the tourists start coming. Preferably in the rain.

Places like that are glorious in the summer but can be rather bleak in winter. No sailing if the sea is too rough either.

[squoosh]

He's talking about commuting in to London a couple of days a week. He goes overseas regularly anyway.

So his life would be a charming combo of overseas travel, London visits, and weekends in Devon.

How lovely for him.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Nope. You've compromised for years and what he's wanted has come first.

Now he wants not only you, but your happily settled children to compromise again, but this time to prioritise what he wants from his leisure time.

Nope.

His turn to compromise. What I'm astonished at is that he wants them to move schools again when they're happy and in good ones. No, getting to go sailing doesn't even half make up for that. It REALLY doesn't make up for having an unhappy and frustrated mum who is quite correctly beginning to realise that her H is actually a very selfish person.

Sounds like for the first time you're all in a fairly stable position and your prospects are good AS WELL as his. I can't for the life of me understand why he can't see that that's massively important for his happiness too.

A few years ago we relocated from city to country-ish for DH job. I had freelance work and kids were tiny. It's lovely here... but we're planning to move soon. He's doing great but if we stay here my career is soon going to be in a corner it's going to be hard to get out of. DH is sad to be looking for other jobs but he knows that staying here can't work for us as a family. Unlike your DH, he sees me as an equal partner and my prospects/happiness equally important to the overall happiness of the family.

Sounds like your DH has spent too long NOT seeing you like that- so time to remind him. No, you're not a chattel. You don't want to move to Dorset, uproot the kids for the sake of his hobbies and you don't think 'more housework' sounds wonderful at all. Does he want you all to be a happy family -or just him?

[hiveofactivity]

"Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options."

Its this that you need to really consider. Job opportunities are vastly different outside of London. Time to decide whether you're future is as a SAHM or not. No right or wrong answer but you do need to decide.

Second home is a nice idea but it isn't a short drive to Devon/Dorset (especially on a Friday night) and as the kids get older you may find the weekends are full of school sports activities or seeing their friends - they may be less keen to spend weekends away rock climbing than you'd think...

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

He seems to want to arrange life to suit him best. He is dressing it up as better environment for the boys then suggest weekly boarding might be the best option. So how is it leading to a better and closer family life if the children are boarding when they can stay in a day school in London. Even if the DC don't weekly board, if he is commuting to London a couple of days a week he won't be spending much time with the DC on those days will he.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Nope. You've compromised for years and what he's wanted has come first.

Now he wants not only you, but your happily settled children to compromise again, but this time to prioritise what he wants from his leisure time.

Nope.

His turn to compromise. What I'm astonished at is that he wants them to move schools again when they're happy and in good ones. No, getting to go sailing doesn't even half make up for that. It REALLY doesn't make up for having an unhappy and frustrated mum who is quite correctly beginning to realise that her H is actually a very selfish person.

Sounds like for the first time you're all in a fairly stable position and your prospects are good AS WELL as his. I can't for the life of me understand why he can't see that that's massively important for his happiness too.

A few years ago we relocated from city to country-ish for DH job. I had freelance work and kids were tiny. It's lovely here... but we're planning to move soon. He's doing great but if we stay here my career is soon going to be in a corner it's going to be hard to get out of. DH is sad to be looking for other jobs but he knows that staying here can't work for us as a family. Unlike your DH, he sees me as an equal partner and my prospects/happiness equally important to the overall happiness of the family.

Sounds like your DH has spent too long NOT seeing you like that- so time to remind him. No, you're not a chattel. You don't want to move to Dorset, uproot the kids for the sake of his hobbies and you don't think 'more housework' sounds wonderful at all. Does he want you all to be a happy family -or just him?

[AyeAmarok]

He sounds like he doesn't give either the boys or you a second thought. It's all about him, isn't it.

Suggested a holiday home there. Or spend all his holidays there for the next two years and then decide. That can be your "serious consideration".

[ExplodedCloud]

He's got some romantic nonsense in his head of some Swallows & Amazons style life. All out to the country for jolly times and fun. Totally impractical.
If he's prepared to commute up and down then could you have a flat or something near the Solent or Hamble (sp?) to have weeks or weekends away and continue to live in London.?

[RortyCrankle]

Put your foot down OP. You've willingly trailed after him for 12 years, now it's your turn to have the life you want, in London.

As for his comment 'he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!' it's bloody insulting.

NO is a complete sentence.

[Bear2014]

YANBU, I would not do this! It sounds like he will have the best of both worlds, commuting into London while you stay down there, getting to move around as he sees fit while you are left sorting out the kids.

It might sound like the kids will have this amazing outdoor lifestyle but the weather will be awful a lot of the time and once the novelty wears out for your OH spending time with the kids all the time he will be back to doing his work and hobbies while you become a glorified taxi service. You can still go out of London for weekends, staycations etc and expose them to these things. London has so many opportunities for young people to enjoy a massive range of activities on their doorstep and you can continue to have your own life. The school thing is important too.

Stand your ground, OP!