AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

[canoso77]

Thankyou so much for the kind words. It's lovely to get some common sense and affirmation because I think I am going through a period of re-evaluation, yes. I'm very grateful, thanks again.

[MissEDashwood]

For me the main thing isn't knowing for any kind of gain, but if you've signed things, then from now on you want to know what you're signing, you want a copy if possible. For nothing more than you understand what you're putting your name to.

For all you know you could have signed in the event of us splitting I don't want anything. I know that's an extreme example, but if you look at high profile divorces, the women are doing quite well, getting allowances and so forth.

It's nice that you are so trusting, I'd hope with all my heart DH had your best intentions at heart. For me, you have lots of assets, lots of money, things are secured for the futures of your DC. Does DH need to keep pushing making so much, it sounds like you're very wealthy as a family, at what point do you say to DH, what are your retirement plans, are you planning on stopping work completely.

Also I understand wanting to be really wealthy, so when you hit one target it's about the next, but is it beneficial, would you benefit more if over a certain period things were wound down? So he can spend more time with DC before say, the youngest, goes into boarding? Or from his childhood does he have a different perspective on parenting to you? You're more hands on, he's in the background, but does like the sailing etc with them.

I think the biggest lesson, having hobbled up the path of parenting, is it goes so quick, if your DH wants to establish a mutual hobby, that's better sooner than later.

That could be a selling point for you staying in London, so they have boys time together. Does that sound like something that would benefit you both mutually? With you popping down the odd weekend.

Possibly speak to DC and get them to write a bucket list of say 20 things they want to do.

You've have the resources to allow them to do lots, build those memories, try and knit in DH as much as possible.

[canoso77]

MrsDash - I think he does have a different perspective on parenting to me, you're absolutely right. He can be quite hands on, but I think he feels like he needs to focus on their longer-term needs. He wants to give them opportunities for the future. Someone once told him that if he hasn't found a mutual "bonding" interest with the boys by the time they're teenagers, then he's basically lost them. He often mentions this. The way he interacts with them is through "doing stuff". He likes getting them outdoors etc. So maybe he feels there would be more opportunities for this outside London.
Great advice thanks. I will think of something they can all do together in London. The boys writing a list is a really good idea.

[TheAntiBoop]

Agree that getting the boys to drive it is probably the best (and quickest) way for him to find the mutual interest - he needs to beat in mind it may well be different for each though. You don't want one of the boys being dragged along just because the other two love it!!

I think it's important that dads show that they are carers as well though and I would also encourage him just doing the mundane every day with them too. Being close to his work should hopefully mean he can try and see them mornings/evenings which he would miss if you move

[Stormtreader]

"Mutual interest" isnt "heres the thing I like doing, and youre coming" though.

[expatinscotland]

Your husband is beyond selfish and entitled. But I'm glad you will not leave London.

[BitOutOfPractice]

It seems to me that he likes the idea of the kids much more than the reality. Some sort of Victorian idea that their day to day care should be palmed off on others (boarding school) but that their importance lies in the status and passing on of the name type stuff that they offer. How depressing.

[FizzyGreenWater]

So much of this is about boarding school and its effects.

He doesn't have a 'map' for family life in the same way you do... and now he's away a fair bit through their childhoods and you are the SAHM, that sense of distance, and of perhaps just not really getting it, is probably still in place in a way.

For example, that idea of needing a 'thing' to engage them through is nonsense. But he's bought it completely, it makes sense to him. He will not have spent formative years simply around his parents, simply being. He will have most memories mediated through events - holidays, reunions.

Anyway, that's kind of off the point of this thread in a way. OP, your situation really made me raise my eyebrows. I think this is your lighbulb moment when you realise that your H is a very, very smooth character who has played a blinder in making sure that your marriage and life is set up so that, effortlessly, he is the one in charge, holding the purse strings, and utterly convinced that he is the most important one in the family.

It will be very interesting for you to point out that it seems that the 'as long as we're all together as a family, nothing else matters, doesn't matter where we are' only seems to apply to you putting aside your preferences for his. I'd be quoting that line back at him. And telling him that if he's all for family and consolidating with the boys, then now's the perfect time for him to consider part-time work so that you can start your career back up, in London. What's that, he doesn't want to? But family is the most important thing, as long as you're all together!

He's had his way for your entire marriage, through a combination of low-level manipulation and your easy-going approach. This is the first time you've dug your heels in. Any reasonable person would conclude that you are long overdue to have a turn at making a family decision. And... he doesn't like it. Not Good At All.

[canoso77]

BitOut - he does have a nice way with the boys. He can be quite strict about manners and behaviour, but he knows how to have fun with them too. Sometimes I can feel a bit left out tbh. He's definitely a good influence on them in many ways and I wouldn't accept anything else. But no, having a weekly commuting dad would hardly be an improvement.

[canoso77]

FizzyGreen - he is much better than his own father who he never really had a relationship with. He went full-time boarding 2 days after his 7th birthday. He says this was normal in the 70s . It's anything but normal as far as I'm concerned and what was the point of that?
I've had the conversation with him loads of times that him just being there is enough for the boys - no need to be on a mission about something all the time. He's better than he was.
He is very very good to me in lots of ways and it's not as if he dragged me off with his work. I can't imagine him working part-time. He would probably go crazy and send me crazy as well.

[Deven7]

canoso - your thread resonates with me as my DH has some similarities. He's also a product of boarding school. I think it's because they're told from day one to "keep busy" so as not to get homesick. Keeping busy becomes a coping mechanism through life. As does "compartmentalising" as a PP put it earlier.
Sorry no real advice that hasn't already been given. If he loves you he won't want to make you unhappy, so stick to your guns!