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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

436 replies

canoso77 · 08/05/2017 10:03

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

OP posts:
Zhan · 08/05/2017 10:07

YABU. His idea sounds much better for the family.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/05/2017 10:08

A bigger house will keep you busy?? How condescending!! That alone would make me dig my heels in.

Kokusai · 08/05/2017 10:08

Wow I am 100% with you here.

The realities of sailing every weekend (summer holiday) versus the reality of winter are quite different.

I think you can make a stand - you have prioritized him for so long, now it is time for you and the children to have some stability. I think you are perfectly entitled to say you can't face moving again. It is so much easier for the working spouse on all these moves, being the trailing one with no work structure is way harder :-(

Can a comprise be worked out like getting a holiday home there?

strawberrypenguin · 08/05/2017 10:10

I think it is a family discussion which means if you don't want to move to Devon your feelings should be considered too.
If you can afford London and the boys are happy there then it would be selfish of DH to uproot you all again just for him. It sounds like you've given him a lot of support over the years and now it's your turn to choose for a bit.

Kokusai · 08/05/2017 10:10

YABU. His idea sounds much better for the family.

Really? What is better about it?

DeadGood · 08/05/2017 10:10

Nope, YANBU. He's had his turn to frolic, now you are happy and can start living your life again.

How dare he try to placate you with "don't worry love, you'll have more housework where we're going"

HeyCat · 08/05/2017 10:10

Yanbu at all.

You've moved around repeatedly for his career? And you're finally settled somewhere you're happy.

Your happiness is just as important as his.

I'd make a show of considering it - perhaps suggest going on some holidays there so you can see the area and know better what it would be like. You might even decide you want to move, but even if not it will prob be a nice holiday.

Kokusai · 08/05/2017 10:11

By 'chill as a family' does he really mean him going out sailing and you looking after the children?

There is plenty of time for sailing on holiday and when he retires...!

Trills · 08/05/2017 10:11

YANBU

It sounds like he has got used to the idea that he decides where you live and when you move, and he's not willing to give that up.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/05/2017 10:12

NEither of you abu.
He wants to live one place and you another.
Neither of you should get to make the decision without decent discussion and consideration.
Do what's best for your family as a whole.
Could you afford to do a decent compromise - buy a holiday house in Devon and go frequently?

Writerwannabe83 · 08/05/2017 10:13

YANBU

I can't believe he said that about you being busy because there will be a bigger house to run!!! What a real arse hole thing to say.

I'm 100% with you OP!

FanaticalFox · 08/05/2017 10:13

You're "European"? What I'm getting from your post is that your nationality makes you feel comfortable in multi cultural London but you would feel alienated in Devon for example. I get the sesne from your post this is your real underlying objection as well as the fact you're just fed up moving around on your husband's whim. I understand however personally after living in both London and Hampshire by the coast and near rural areas I much prefer this life for my family particularly my DC than London.

ChasedByBees · 08/05/2017 10:13

YANBU. The importance of local friends shouldn't be underestimated and he's asking you to give that up and start again.

I can imagine that the quieter areas he wants you all to move to are also harder to integrate into than London.

Your future career will also have better chances in London. I'm with you on this.

user1491572121 · 08/05/2017 10:16

Someone has to compromise. To be honest, a school that's great but is only till they are 13 isn't ideal anyway.

London is a wonderful city but Devon and Dorset are beautiful too.

The thing you might need to consider is getting older. Where would be better to age?

Original poster
canoso77 · 08/05/2017 10:16

On the one hand I'm pleased he's starting to think beyond work a bit, but thinking about it this morning, I actually think he wants us all to uproot so he can do his hobbies! He says it would be better for the boys and he might be right in some ways, I suppose, but I am the one who will be stuck in while they're all off doing whatever.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2017 10:18

"He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!"

How patronising of him. And in the meantime he gets to mess around on his boat. No, just no. He is mainly thinking of his own self here.
YANBU to say no to his idea.

Faithless12 · 08/05/2017 10:18

Yanbu. Done both and London is better if you're not 'local'. DS has told me he doesn't want to leave London now.

krustykittens · 08/05/2017 10:19

Unless it is something you all want, YANBU. We made a move from a city to the country about 2 years ago. Myself and the kids wanted it, DH not so much, but he moved as he was no longer particularly happy where we were living before. Now he loves it, despite us now living in a very rural area, and you couldn't move him back to the city with a rocket. It was a gamble though, even though three out of the four of us really wanted the move to the country and the other one was just ambivalent. You sound dead set against it and you haven't said how your kids feel. It's not unreasonable to want to work outside the home either, especially as it sounds like you have given up a lot to facilitate his career. He needs to stop talking to the children about the move until you and he have made a decision together. I think a winter trip to Devon will be in order so he and the children can see what it is like all year round, not just in the summer!

Kwoggers · 08/05/2017 10:19

The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration?

What a bastard! Surely that's some form of abuse?

Or maybe, just maybe, he thinks he has a wonderful idea which would be better for everyone including you, put his point across, gave you a veto (for want of a better word) and asked you to think about it...

I understand why you may not want to but he doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. I grew up in the SW and it was wonderful. My father commuted to London a night or two every fortnight but it gave our family an amazing lifestyle. No rock climbing but plenty of sailing, surfing, camping, walking, horses and other things you struggle to do in the city. You'd be very foolish not to give it serious consideration. I'd move back in a heartbeat if it was practically possible for us.

Regressionconfession · 08/05/2017 10:20

By 'chill as a family' does he really mean him going out sailing and you looking after the children?

This ^

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2017 10:20

"London is a wonderful city but Devon and Dorset are beautiful too".

Indeed they are but a nice view in itself cannot sustain a person indefinitely. If it is not right for the OP then it is not right, she also needs to be considered here.

TheFaerieQueene · 08/05/2017 10:21

Will your DH still stay in his job? I can't for the life of me think of any diplomatic roles in Dorset. I'm guessing he will stay in London during the week and travel down at the weekend.

theredjellybean · 08/05/2017 10:22

I think his expectations of the move maybe very unrealistic, but can appreciate that maybe he sees it as 'better' for your sons to grow up in a more rural and relaxed enviroment.
However there are many anecdotes of people who move to the country to give the children the idyll and buccolic chidlhood who find it actually very restrictive , you have less public transport, less cultural opportunities, friendship pools can be smaller and often it is quite cliquey.

If your boys are going to go to state school, these can be very small in rural areas which on one hand is lovely but again limits social connections and opportunites for team sports etc.
If they are going to go to a private school you maybe in for a lot of driving ( I did this ...45 mins each way !) and friends are scattered oftne over wide distances.

You say your husband is going to be travelling a lot for his job, so basically you would or could be looking at being left in his rural idyll perhaps your rural hell for periods on your own...if rural life was never your thing or dream or aim i would say dont do it.

but second the suggestion of a little holiday house to trial it....and find out how committed your dh is to the idea when it is middle of winter, too cold/dark etc to go sailing /beach etc...your boys are all bored and fed up , there is no friends nearby to play with and nothing like a cinema or bowling to go to within an hours drive !!!

I dont want to come over very negative, country living is great and i do still live in a very rural place , but i also have crash pad in london and my dp and i split our time...older children so not an issue.

when i was married and my dds were younger we lived in rural village...dds loved it, had dogs and ponies and messed about in local woods etc...but i hated it , suffocating, middle class mummies, no one had a clue what was going outside of their little rural bubble, stifling dinner parties talking about pony club and nannies....etc etc...when dds became teenagers it was nightmare of endless ferrying around .so maybe i an biased .

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 08/05/2017 10:23

I love Devon and Dorset, but I do think for you, if you can afford it, London has a lot going for it, good schools (I'm guessing you are paying), cosmopolitan lifestyle, and having friends must be really nice after being shunted around.

Your husband seems to think as he works, he's the chief in the household and you all just trail behind him. I don't think it would be 'better' for the kids, because they can do rock climbing and sailing in the extremely generous private school holidays- as someone else said, is a holiday home an option?

Your happiness is as important as his and I don't agree the boys will benefit automatically- I would put my foot down this time (and have done so in a similar situation about a move and now I'm very glad I did).

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/05/2017 10:23

so for 19 years you have trailed him, and now when you are finally happy and settled, he wants to uproot? fuck that OP

He sounds quite selfish and a bit old fashioned

I also prefer the mix of London that somewhere that all white, one flavour and probably very friendly if you are local, but less so...plus there is NO fucking transport and you have to drive everywhere, fuck that