AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

[FizzyGreenWater]

It's not about city to country and what is better.

It's about one person thinking they get to dictate.

OP could be settled in lovely rural school with great friends and H decides he wants to be in London just because he fancies it and the answers would be the same.

She has compromised and so have the children, all along.

Now he wants her to do it again, but this time not because of his career, but simply his personal preference.

It's selfish and shows how little he values his family as equally important people with equally important needs. That's a huge worry.

Nothing to do with which place is 'better' to live. FWIW I've done both and neither is objectively better. It depends on a huge range of needs and preferences which are different for everyone. Saying 'but the kids will have this great lifestyle' is massively missing the point.

[GwenStaceyRocks]

Gosh, it's not really about moving though, is it? It's fundamental questions about family life eg are you going back to your career? do you want your DCs in boarding school? is your idyll the country or the city?
You need a big serious conversation about all those points. If you are planning to go back to your career then it's time to pull dates and plans together.
I have no opinion on whether Dorset is better than London. I'm also not assuming that because you don't want to move and feel your DCs are settled, that they feel the same. My DB moved a lot. His DCs never really felt settled anywhere because they were so used to moving. They weren't unhappy but they weren't as wedded to the idea of 'being settled' as you are.
I think both you and your DH have to stop using your DCs as excuses and be open about your own needs and desires first. Then you can talk to the DCs and factor in their opinions too.

[nocampinghere]

tell him he can go sailing on the reservoir in staines

his life would be idyllic: a nice big rural house, trips to London for work/seeing friends carefree, overseas travel. I can see the attraction, for HIM.

but it's not just up to him.

[silkpyjamasallday]

YANBU it sounds as if you and the DCs lives have always revolved around your DHs job, he has got used to this so has assumed that moving somewhere that he wants to live will be done in the same way as when you needed to move for his job. We moved out of London just before we had DD, which wasn't planned, and while it is nice being near family we both miss our friends in London and the opportunities it provides. DP had been talking about moving somewhere near our current town but rurally and I have put my foot down and said no. I want to move back to London so I can have a career, jobs around here in the arts are few and far between. I don't drive so I would be trapped in a boring village all day everyday, not for me thanks. It wouldn't suit us all as a family to live in the middle of nowhere and I would be the most affected by it so it isn't happening. Have you explained to your DH that you would like to remain in London where you feel happiest, and your dc are settled, you could always retire somewhere near his boat, but currently if you move you will be isolated and probably spend your life being a taxi service for your dc as it won't be a case of walking or getting public transport to play dates or sleepovers.

[ThatsNotMyMummy]

I think its hugely underestimated feeling "home" and you feel at home. Having local friends who can help in an emergency is a god send.

We've looked at a cornwall relocate (we are south east not london), whilst the kids are young you picture aimless days spent on the beach, building sandcastles and a lovely quality of life. But after talking to people who've done it when they become teenagers theres little to do, and opportunities are more limited than in london Ok he can negate that with his boarding school argument, and i know it works for a lot of people but i think if someone suggested it as an idea now most people would go "what????"


Get a holiday home there, don't move. Also why the hell should you all give up your lives on his whim, yet again??

[CherryMintVanilla]

I wonder if he really intends to take 3 under 13 year olds sailing and rock climbing every weekend, or is he thinking more about himself doing those activities and letting the boys tag along once every few months?

That kind of thing can be indulged in the school holidays, surely? I'm sure you can even accommodate those hobbies around London. There are definitely climbing walls all over the place, and lots of lakes. If he doesn't take them out regularly to do activities now, he won't do it just because the sea is 10 minutes away. Especially once he meets climbing/sailing friends out there. Be very cautious about this "wonderful" idea OP!

[StoatofDisarray]

YANBU. Your kids can do rock climbing and sailing on the weekends. It's not worth giving up London just for outdoor activities and a bigger house. I grew up in the country and it's not all it's cracked up to be.

[Mix56]

The compromise, is sailing holidays in the Seychelles....
or he can moor his boat in Brighton. & he can sail there. or you can holiday in the W Country when the sun shines.
Your answer.
You do not envisage sitting in the big house alone Mon to Fri with boys at boarding school, (& probably more as there will be school sport activity at the w/e).
He will waft back home when his work allows & go off on his boat..
You want a network of like minded friends, & the possibility of work. stay put.

[ThatsNotMyMummy]

nocamping Staines upon thames now

[gillybeanz]

Christ almighty, he's stuck in the 1950's this man.
Tell him to take the boys sailing and climbing during the holidays and that as far as running a home goes you've done your 12 years, it's his turn now.
so if he wants a bigger home, he can run it.
Cheeky fucker.
YANBU, but YWBU letting it get to the stage where he thinks it's your job to run the home.
You stand more chance of getting a good job to suit in London than you do in Devon.

[canoso77]

Whenever I've mentioned about possibly returning to work in the future I feel like he doesn't take it seriously at all. He says things like, "Haven't you got enough on as it is?" I haven't even really thought about it recently because I've been focusing on settling the boys and adjusting myself, but some of the statements he's come out with this weekend have really wound me up. It's as if he thinks he knows what's best for us and that's it, I should just go along with it. All the while making out as if everything is my decision because I can choose the house etc. He even suggested a renovation project. That's the last thing I need right now! This morning he was asking me why I was being quiet, but I don't think he realises I am actually furious with him.

[chocorabbit]

As you know, practically it will not be possible to go sailing, climbing etc. every weekend. Also, I am guessing that now you live near shops and supermarkets or can easily commute. There you might to drive to many different locations and THIS now would make it a lot harder than "running a big house".

IF you are well off, why can't you buy a holiday house somewhere that you like?

[pamplemoussed]

have pm'd you OP

[ShoesHaveSouls]

I'm with you OP - stay where you are happy and settled, and where your DC are settled in a school. I think you've earned the right to stay put after being a trailing spouse.

Honestly - you can still do the weekends in Devon/on the boat too!

I don't know why, but I think the thing that would annoy me most is that he'd still be spending a couple of days up in London, whilst plonking you in the middle of Devon (wonderful if you want that lifestyle - not great if you don't) to keep house.

[AntiHop]

London is a great place to raise kids. Stand your ground.

[HotelEuphoria]

I can see absolutely no benefit to you, the boys or the family in moving. I can see very benefit to your DH.

He is expecting to sign up for a life of boredom and loneliness to make him happier.

He is being unbelievably selfish.

[Hastalapasta]

I feel for you. We have moved 6 times in 7 years because of DH's job (and needing a larger property after DC were born).
I chose our current location, beautiful beach, walking distance to good school, shops, dr's etc.
I am also refusing to move again, DH agrees that he will attempt to become self employed if the company moves him again.
Stay put, you sound happy and settled where you are.
Good luck.

[eddielizzard]

no no no no no. no.

you've given up everything for your family so far, why should you continue to do so? yes, for work. ok that's keeping you alive. but so he can pursue his hobbies????

what work are you interested in doing? i'd start looking around now tbh. and having friends and a community where you feel at home is incredibly important. i wouldn't give that up easily.

[BlurryFace]

He sounds like a cunt to be honest. "Haven't you got enough on" well honey, when I return to work guess who's going to be helping out more? A bigger house to keep you busy, maybe even a nice renovation project for you to sort out while he goes sailing? Christ he is selfish.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

I live in the SouthWest and no-one I know goes rock climbing and sailing on the weekends- they all go to the cinema, round each other's houses or to the climbing wall (which is in most major cities)!

Most people in these places do not sail, it's a great hobby for those that do, but it really is a myth that everyone sails, they don't!

[GwenStaceyRocks]

He's not taking your plan to return to work seriously because you're not taking it seriously. Until you start to flesh it out with dates, timelines, schedules, he can dismiss it as a pipedream that you're never going to pursue. You need to plan it. You need to be more proactive ...
...or you need to admit it is a fantasy and you just like city life.
Both are perfectly acceptable.

[VerySadInside]

I think Devon sounds much more fun for the family than London and I am from London. Sounds like you just don't want to leave all your friends.

[nocampinghere]

to be fair most people living in a small house in london with a tiny garden, traffic, plane noise etc at some point consider moving to beautiful Devon or Cornwall. To a lovely big house near the sea. Where their kids are free.

It's only their job location/demands that stops the dream in its tracks for most people.

The reality is very different though. It's not that sunny or warm 300 days of the year. The jobs are few. The schools are (mostly) not as good as London. I know some who have done it who have found it the best thing they ever did. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

But the point is you feel settled. The boys are settled. The school is great. You don't want to move right now. That's enough of a reason not to. Maybe your dh is just throwing it out there to discuss?

[ArcheryAnnie]

VerySadInside just because Devon sounds more fun for you doesn't mean it's right for the OP and her family. And what's wrong with not wanting to be uprooted from your whole social circle, yet again, because your husband says you must?

It's not about whether Devon is nicer than London. It's about whether the OP has equal rights in her marriage, or is expected to be a chattel to be moved around at her husband's whim, whatever her own wishes.

[Brittbugs80]

I moved to Devon and moved back after 6 years, the reality is very much different from the dream.

What I found from people who were born and grew up and worked there, their children were moving out of area, to bigger cities, for Uni then employment and never coming home, only for visits.

Depending on location too, it can be wonderful in the Summer and dead during the Winter which also affects public transport, buses run on a winter/summer timetable too.

Life won't be all rock climbing, sailing and relaxing on the beach. If you're anything like me, the tourists drive you scatty when you're trying to get on with everyday life!