AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

[Trills]

It's not about whether Devon is nicer than London. It's about whether the OP has equal rights in her marriage, or is expected to be a chattel to be moved around at her husband's whim, whatever her own wishes.

I agree.

[Apairofsparklingeyes]

He sounds so selfish that I suspect that he won't listen to you even when you tell him how upset and angry you are. I think it's important that you try to return to work and have friends around you for support in case the marriage doesn't last in the long term.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Think it's time to stop 'mentioning about possibly' returning to work and look him in the eye and say 'No, sorry. Devon won't work. My plan is to stay in London because in a couple of years I'm going to be looking at going back to work, so intend to stay here. Your career has taken precedence for years so if there's any discussion we should be having right now it's about how YOU'LL be starting to cut back to support ME when it's my turn to start career building. I really don't think moving out of London is gonig to make it easier for you when you have to start making sure you're home for the boys on the days I can't be...

[canoso77]

What he also glosses over is that I grew up near to the sea in a supposedly warmer climate, but even there, the winters were still windy, wet and boring. It would be fine for him as he wouldn't be there 24/7. I don't think I could cope with it.
My worry now is that he will blame his stress levels on the fact he can't get out to do his hobbies as much as he would like, this kind of thing.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

You have every right to feel furious because he's acting like a patronising, dickish fucking bellend.

Do not move.

If you need more 'reasons' to feel confident in thus decision, then I'll list at east 10 more for you, but the two top ones foe me would be 1). you don't want to move AGAIN' & 2) you NEED* to get back into paid employment so that Captain Dickhead doesn't hold all the cards & play them like a complete knob.

How dare he treat you like that and what an utter, utter jackass to sell it to the kids like that. Wanker.

I'm steaming mad on your behalf, it's just as well he didn't say that crap to me directly, as I'm guessing he prefers his ear drums in tact and his tack in tack

[SarahMused]

We moved about quite a bit when our four kids were young for my husband's work but once the eldest reached secondary age I put my foot down and we have now been in the same place for 15 years. He worked away in the week for several years and still travels a lot now. I think once children reach a certain age it becomes much harder to relocate as their ties to their friends become stronger and their lives are organised around where they are living.
Surely it would be better to stay put if you are happy and have no pressing reason to move. Go sailing in the holidays - the novelty of living in a tourist destination soon wears off when you are there full time.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Poor didums, can't go sailing as often as he'd like, so wifey should relocate again, kids should be uprooted again, wifey should be content to be in the arse end of nowhere to facilitate his hobbies and should be happy as she has a bigger house to clean.

You need a job, and fast.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

So basically you are not as important as him.

It's really that simple.

I think a frank talk (or more than one) is in order.

[ParadiseCity]

He is a selfish idiot who sounds like he wants to move to 1950

[welovepancakes]

I strongly recommend, if you can afford it, renting a property for 6 months, with part of it falling over the winter, and spending as much time there as you can in that period (i.e. not just weekends but all school hols etc).

I think this is really good advice

[Carolinethebrave]

I know a few diplomats socially and there is sometimes a huge sense of entitlement about them. You shouldn't have to move again, no.

[FizzyGreenWater]

He's sounding more and more like an arse...

Funny how one bumbles along not realising that until something pops up and one's partner's attitude towards it is literally like a veil lifting.

Blame his stress levels on it-?

Let me guess, next post is going to outline how he works so hard and needs to de-stress on the weekends so you basically never get downtime from the kids and any suggestion that he spend actual quality time with them without you being in the role of organiser and bottle-washer tends to go down badly? And not surprisingly, he was keen for you to give up work and very un-keen at the thought that you might want more out of life than raising his kids, cleaning his house and helping make sure all his hobbies and plans can go without a hitch?

It might be time for some serious thinking OP.

[HazelBite]

My extended family live in Devon. I grew up and lived in London. I love the diversity of London and to be quite honest find attitudes often very narrow in the South West.
The long and the short of it is that while your children are young you will be their driver and will spend hours taking them here and there to maintain their social contacts. When they are old enough they will all want their own cars, and once they go to uni they will never come home as there are less jobs and opportunities in the South West.
None of my cousins (of my generation) have any of their adult children living nearby, they have followed the employment!
It very much depends whether or not this move is for the short term only.
I am of retirement age and relatives have been asking if In retirement I will move down to join the wider family in the South west.
Its not happening, I like the convenience of good transport links and the facilities in the South east.
I go every year for a holiday, but to live there I personally couldn't.

[Trills]

Fizzy I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

[Lalalandfill]

I think Devon sounds much more fun for the family than London and I am from London.

I am from London, think Devon is lovely for a visit, would hate to live there. It is a personal preference. OP, don't go. I've so many unhappy friends whose dhs dragged them out of London because it suited THEM. Your dh can still pursue many of his hobbies at weekends. If he won't see your POV I would have counselling over this.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

YANBU for all the reasons you and other posters have mentioned.

if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options
^this is a very important consideration. Be careful of putting yourself in the situation where you've been a SAHM for so long that it's hard to get back into your career, or where you've moved somewhere that's limited your options. Many marriages fail despite people going into them thinking it'll never happen to theirs, so hope for the best, prepare for the worst IMHO.

[canoso77]

Thsnkyou for all the support and I am feeling much more resolved about confronting him as unreasonable. He should be happy we have all settled and that should be enough for him. I have lived in a place where we had to have security even to go out and I have not returned to the UK to be abandoned in Devon without even my DS' company during the week. I can't believe he would even be throwing this into the mix. I will talk to him about everything.

[NancyWake]

One of my bfs moved to Devon with her family and she deeply regrets it. She grew up in London, finds the people around her very narrow and closed-minded, and hasn't found any PLUs.

If DH wants to go sailing he can nip down to Bosham/Chichester/Solent etc, it's not far.

DH needs to stop thinking about himself, his career, and his desires and consider you and the boys.

[NancyWake]

Xpost - good for you OP. Good luck.

[GretchenFranklin]

You must stay in London. Although you could move near the Thames and get a boat, that would be amazing.

[NancyWake]

The Thames floods and is pretty stinky.

[Pallisers]

OP. you'll be waiting a long time for him to turn around to you and say "you know I think I'm being a bit selfish here. You have built a great network and have the kids settled in a great school and why would you want to uproot again especially since you could get back to work here in London very easily".

That isn't going to happen. 12 years of coming first means he thinks it is ok for him to simply express what he wants and get it.

So make up your mind based on what suits you best. Your boys are happy where they are so the idea that they might be happier in Devon or Dorset is moot - they might or they might not be but you know they are happy in London and you know that you will not be happier in Devon so stay put. Tell your husband "I've given it a lot of consideration and decided that I don't want us to move". If he argues say
I don't want to move anywhere it possible - already did enough of that for your job
I don't want to leave all my friends
I don't want to uproot the boys when they are just settled and happy
I don't want to live in a rural area
I don't want to have to consider weekly boarding
I will want to get back to work soon and London is better for that.

And don't for a minute think you are "selfish" for putting your own needs first - that is a line fed to women. never to men.

Because he is suggesting this move entirely to suit himself - mentioning the sailing with the boys etc is pure distraction.

[GretchenFranklin]

No it isn't don't be such a misery! There's Twickenham for example, very fragrant there.

[tabbymog]

You sound like you're a city-loving person, OP, and need all the activities that go with that. I know that feeling so well, although I prefer not to live in it full time, at least, not in London. Berlin, oh yes. Paris, Amsterdam or Vienna too.

As others have said, this should be your choice.Your DCs are settled. If you can afford it a holiday home in Devon or Dorset might give you a better feel for what kind of life you can expect. What you won't get are museums, galleries, music and theatre on anything more than a local scale, or even such a diverse variety of friends. Can you live without all that on your doorstep? Your DH has had a fulfilling life, and you haven't. Your needs and happiness matter, too.

[Xmasbaby11]

As many others have said - not fair to force a move on you now. Be firm. Good luck.