AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

Trills his job required the moving about in the past which is now being referred to as him having a frolic.

Of course there are cities in Devon and Dorset, but it wouldn't make sense if he wants the country/outdoors lifestyle to move to one, as lovely though they are, they are not in any shape or form London.

It doesn't even matter if he lived in Devon and wanted to move to London. It's not about the places, it's about the fact that he doesn't value the OP's happiness and doesn't even seem to have considered the disruption to his children's education and friendship groups, after years of them all following him around.

I guess he earns big and has conflated this with being the most important person in the household. Time for a re-balance, I think.

What activities does he think the boys can do in Devon that aren't available in London or the near surrounds?

Ok, surfing.

But climbing? Loads of great climbing centres in London. Watersports? Can sail, kayak, paddle board, row etc in various places in London.

Football/team sports? Again a zillion places to do it on London.

Some sort of bucolic idea that the boys go off and play in the woods on their own?
How likely is that to happen in practice?
How do they get to the woods? Walk along roads with no pavements? Or you drive them?

Teenagers in a city have way more independence and ability to follow their interests than in the countryside where you will be a taxi service and it sounds like he will be doing his hobbies.so he is correct that you will be busy.

Sounds like your kids are in private school if they are in one until 13 so don't think you need to worry about schools in London.

Friends are important and you are important. Don't feel guilty tripped into it. Test the waters if you want to, rent a place, go there for a wet cold week in January and see how fun it is then.

A massive move like that has to work for everyone. Everyone in the family has to agree.

Maybe your husband doesn't like living in London though? In which case you need to look at some compromises which you are both happy with.

Is there any way you could buy a small holiday home by the sea? You could spend weekends and holidays there. Not necessarily as far as Devon. Lymington, or Ferring maybe?

Or, consider a move out of London but not so far. I live in the countryside, but only 35 minutes on the train in to London, and very close to Gatwick.. So best of both worlds (which is why it's so expensive!)

My DH's job takes him all over the place. For the first 20 years or so we chose for me and the children to trail him around, or for him to commute or take jobs based nearby but with a lot of overseas travel. Then we tried a year together in the countryside, with him in a good job with little travel nearby. The job fell through, he was back to world traveling for work and the kids hated the rural life, and didn't fit in.
So now we are in a town where we are settled, good schools, DH works abroad and comes home weekends. For a time, he rented a nice flat in Devon and we visited him weekends , but I was not going to uproot the children to move there, and I'm very glad I didn't.
I'd say you stay in London and your DH gets work and a rents a place in Devon until the children are old enough for secondary school, then think about moving. It gives you a chance to put a few roots down in Devon without the full commitment.

Well my kids played in the woods, camped in them as well. They got to them by walking on the pavements, we do have pavements in Devon.

OP you aren't being unreasonable to want to stay in London, your husband isn't being unreasonable to want to move. Having done similar, not London but another big city, and living between Exeter and the beach I can assure you that how people are portraying Devon is ridiculous. Come and have a look and then make your mind up.

Before you all gnash your teeth at the boarding comment, just think a bit. If he's FCO and may get another foreign posting at an inconvenient time for exams for example, (and it does happen), then options to deal with that need to be considered.

For me, I would leave London, but then, I loathe cities, (and home is Cornwall), but there would be a very strict agreement on how much sailing could be done in either case. My dh went from knowing nothing about yachts (he's a submariner), to being an Offshore Yachtmaster in 18 months....I never saw him at weekends or on some evenings during the week, because he was always sailing. It is an all consuming hobby, and it wasn't cheap, even with the Navy providing the yachts.

To me a compromise would be (if it was affordable to you) a second home in Hampshire/Dorset. 2 hours by train from London so he can easily go down with the kids on a Friday evening to do outdoorsy things with them or by himself. If it wasn't affordable than he could still go down for the day. Devon I'd agree to go down for a week holiday in November to see what it's like in the winter. But I know Id hate living there so it would really only be to show that I'd tried.

He wants the kind of old fashioned life (that seems to work for some people in Britain) where the family home is in the country and the wife stays at home with the children running the household. The husband has the perfect balance of working from home/commuting to London/travelling on business and then on the weekends he gets to enjoy the tranquility of his country abode.

I know lots of people like that at work. Their life only works because the wife doesn't work and never will. It's very 1950s.

From my perspective, I moved from Glasgow (very similar to London in that there is so much going on, very multicultural and I had loads of friends) with my dc to Dorset.

The first year was hard, really hard. And I grew up here! But honestly, I don't regret the move at all. We have been here five years now and my girls are now 18 and 11. Oldest has gone off to uni but they have spent the last five years on the beach, kayaking, swimming, sailing and generally being outside all the time.

My oldest in particular, who was 13 when we moved and not happy about it, really has grown so much. She knuckled down at school and has made friends really quickly. Looking at what her peers are doing back where we lived, I am so glad we moved. None of her old friends are at uni, most are working dead end jobs and I am glad that she has seen there is more to life than hair, make up and going out. Yes, she does these things but she has been involved in so much here that opened her eyes to a wider world.

I sometimes miss city living. Yes, public transport was awesome but I have a car here and my youngest walks to school. We live in a village just outside a main town (10 mins drive). Schools are brilliant and youngest has made loads of friends too.

It's a healthier lifestyle for us all. There just seems to be more of an outside living culture here and most families are out doing something like sailing, cycling etc together at the weekends.

I have made a few friends and I'm quite happy being involved with the dc school and helping out with things which lets me meet more people.

Don't say never. Why not book a holiday down here and come and see for yourself what's available.

It's not the arse end of nowhere here, there is lots going on and yes, you may need to drive more but there is a whole new world available to your family.

I know Devon and Dorset well. I grew up there. Fantasy and reality rarely match.
'Blow ins' as the permanent down from londoners are called.

There are few facilities apart from the beach, which unless you are very hardy, you will only be using for a few days during the summer, when it is also incredibly crowded.

There are eveb fewer facilities for teenagers there. Where I grew up there was no youth club, no cinemas, no theatre, no night clubs. And this was a town. Somerset towns have some of the worst teenage drug problems nationally.

The nearest cinema was an hour away. We couldn't get there by public transport at all.

The local bus services were awful. Pals in the south hams in Devon have one bus a week on a market day.

You will end up being a taxi service like all my pals with kids in Dorset and Devon.

He gets a lovely home in the country which his wife keeps clean for him, international travel, overnights in London to get the buzz of being in the capital, and weekends focused on his hobbies.

None of that is for you.

This x a million, especially the house bit. You'll 'be busy anyway with a larger house to run'? What an arsehole.

Your kids will be bored rigid as teenagers in the middle of nowhere. As will you, by the sounds of it. Housework notwithstanding.

Don't do it. London is brilliant for kids and they will love it when they reach the teenage years.
It sounds like he wants to dictate family life. I think you need to redress the balance of power in your relationship.
Devon is great for holidays but I wouldn't want to live there.

I'd never leave London with kids that age. Being in a major city provides so many advantages as they get older. They can volunteer and intern at any number of fantastic places. It really is a leg up. Plus there's so many more options when it comes to friends and hobbies and extra-curricular stuff. Whatever they're interested in, they'll find an outlet and like-minded people in London.

People like to talk a lot about how they'll move to the country and spend every weekend outdoors, but if you're not the type of people who already have every weekend packed full of activities in London that's not going to suddenly change because you're in different location. Especially not when your DH will have the extra stress of a commute.

"He said it's fine because most kids in those areas do weekly boarding!"

he is talking shite. I know these 2 areas and a lot of children in them. I don't know a single child that boards. Most kids in these areas certainly do NOT do weekly boarding. He really is talking out of his arse.

Don't do it. It can feel like you are in the arse end of nowhere and there is much more to do in London. Your DCs will have so many more opportunities where they are. Are they interested in going bloody sailing?

If he wants them to board then surely staying where they are for prep is the best thing, as the school will be geared to entrance exams, references etc.
I understand you don't want them to board, but he needs to think through his plan properly and he isn't. It's a whim he is expecting you to facilitate.

Yanbu: you have compromised hugely already. Work opportunities for you will be far better in London, and the DC have schools sorted.

Nothing stopping him/you doing those outdoorsy things at weekends and in holidays, if DC are up for it and their schedule allows (eg school sports, homework).

What will happen in future with his job? More international travel? If so then sorting out education for the DC is of paramount importance IMO. Was his plan for you and DC to stay in the country while he works abroad, or for DC to board?

It all sounds idilic on paper doesn't it.

However the reality of it panning out as he imagines is highly unlikely. After 6 months it won't feel like an eternal holiday.

It's a beautiful part of the county, but I can fully understand why you don't want to move having just felt settled.

Given you have put aside your "wants" for so long in support of his career, I think you are entitled to stand your ground at this point.

The kids are settled in school. You have a social network. You may well wish to return to work. These are all good reasons to stay where you are.

The alternative is him commuting to London, leaving you alone with the boys during the week and presumably alone again whilst he enjoys sailing at the weekends. Umm

As per previous posts I'd think about the option of renting a holiday home for the summer school break. Let the reality sink in.

In 6 weeks I think you'd both learn a lot - as will the children - about what such a move would mean. I'll bet good money that after a month the kids will want to go back to be with friends, the novelty of sailing will have worn off and the commute will be hell for your DH.

Thankyou for all hour thoughts.
Yes I am finding his attitude very patronising actually because it's suggesting that I am going to be happy to wait at home for him for the rest of my life, "keeping busy". I'm not sure I could cope with the dark winters in a rural location. In terms of the boat, I can take it or leave it.
It's true the boys are very "active" and I do spend a lot of time ferrying them to and from matches as it is. I do sometimes moan about this, but now I think he's using it against me. But this is not a reason to weekly board fgs. You only need one pitch to play rugby, not endless rolling fields! He thinks it's normal because he boarded from a young age, but my boys will not be doing this and it's not something any of us would want. I just feel as if he's guilt tripping me.

OP, just out your foot down. I am NOT doing a LTB, but your updates make him sounds like a selfish rather upper MC English type. I have friends married to them and they have very very rigid views.

boarding? fuck that.

stay in London OP, and whatever happens you have a base

tell him to get a static caravan , buit he wont will he?

Is he still going to be working in London so he gets the best of both worlds?

There's no diplomatic service in Devon is there?

Don't move. I wouldn't.

If DC have moved a lot and you're planning on private secondary (common entrance etc), stability seems important for the moment.

Why doesn't he buy a holiday cottage near his boat? It sounds like he has a fantasy which is based on him and not his family

I strongly recommend, if you can afford it, renting a property for 6 months, with part of it falling over the winter, and spending as much time there as you can in that period (i.e. not just weekends but all school hols etc). I have 2 lots of friends who did this in advance of considering a move out of London. 1 lot decided country life was just not for them after the initial novelty wore off and are very happily still in London (and particularly pleased with the decision now their DC are teens). The other lot made the move, but having had the experience of renting for 6 months, it did impact the type of place they bought. If they had bought straight from London they would have gone really rurual (which is the type of place they rented), but they ended up buying at the edge of a decent size town with facilities in walking distance. Of course it does not give you the complete picture because you are unlikely to make local friends as easily etc, but it will give you more of an idea than a straight move.

My ILs live Devon/Dorset borders and I love visting the area, but would hate to live there.

No need to feel guilty. If you don't want them to board, that's not U.

Sounds like you have some issues to resolve re the future of your relationship and family life if your H plans to work abroad again.

There are loads of civil service jobs in London.