AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

Oops, sorry for double post.

Weekly boarding? Ok, that really is all you need to hear.

Give his head a serious wobble.

You're not moving out of London and neither are the boys. Yes, that's more than fair - you've had years of compromising on location for his career. Is he trying to say that compromises are only for you to make? Because if that's the case, then maybe the conversation you need to have is that he clearly doesn't see you as a partnership. Which is a problem.

The fact that he's gone from saying the children would have a wonderful life out of the city to suggesting weekly boarding is even worse. Clearly, he isn't thinking one bit about what would actually be best for them. Or you. Cut to the chase - this is all about him, and he's clearly selfish enough to be perfectly prepared to put himself first in absolutely everything because he honestly thinks his wellbeing and wants are the only important issues.

I'd be tearing a strip off him for that and making it clear that the only dilemma in my mind right now was not whether I'd be moving to Devon, but whether I even wanted to stay with someone whose attitude to family and partnership was like this.

Wow - what an eye-opener.

No. You two need to have a conversation about what each of you want and how to both get something you're happy with - frankly that may mean staying in London and buying a beach hut in Dorset for summer weekends, or moving to Brighton, or staying put altogether, or something entirely different, and there needs to be lots of weight placed on the fact that you've trailed him for so long, to the detriment of your work and maybe friendships.

You have my sympathies OP - we're an international couple settled in London and every other month DH makes noises about moving to Austria. It's unsettling.

Your DH's comment about you being kept busy running a bigger house and looking after the boys made me laugh.

Is your role in life to support the men of the family and ensure the household is run smoothly for them?

What about you?

Who says the boys will be happier in the country? They're used to London, seeing friends easily after school and at weekends. Whilst going sailing sounds fun, will they really want to spend every weekend doing it? I'm pretty sure most teenagers would rather hang out with friends than their mum and dad every weekend.

I agree with PP - go and relax on holidays, stay in London during term time.

By chilling as a family, I really think your DH means HE wants to chill out messing around on his boat.

most kids in those areas do weekly boarding

So he'll be working in London, the kids will be boarding, and you'll be alone in a place you didn't choose and where you don't know anyone?

Nope.

It really isn;t difficult to get to Dorset for at weekends if you want to sail or DS sails at Queen Mary Reservoir (Sunbury).

I grew up in small town rural setting and the lack of public transport was a nightmare for a teenager and the lack of facilities.

I have no idea why people who like a relaxed semi-rural lifestyle think it's best for everyone. It really isn;t. Been in London for 30 years now and raising my child here, happily do holidays in the countryside but live there? Not me!

And I really think you've done your share of moving.

I have some issues with the way he is dealing with the situation and in particular the 'it's up to you' OR talking to the dcs about it when you haven't agreed in anything yet.
He is pushing for something to happen whilst making it all your responsibility (which means he can have a go if you say No or say 'but you chose to come' if you say yes but end up not enjoying it)

I think he is alsovery much used to you just following wo any input.

The only way, IMO, to so,love such an issue is to sit down and write down what each of you would think is positive and negative in the move. Try and imagine what life will REALLY be there and you would be looking forward to and not enjoying at all.
E.g. No friend for you, little social life. How are you going to fill that gap? Is he happy to look after the dcs whilst you go to London to see friends for a few days t the time?
Ability to have a job (and No it's NOT the same than cleaning a big house...) and do something you really enjoy.
Children? What sort of schools are there there? Is the best form the dcs compare to what they have atm?
Him commuting? At what time will he have to get up and come back home, implication for the dcs (ie they might not see him a few days a week if he leaves very early and come back very late). What about travelling? Easy or hard work to get to the right airport (plus impact on the family).
Access to all the facilities available in London. Access to all the facilities available in Devon etc etc

In effect, the decision needs to be one that you are both happy with after taking into account each other wishes. It will mean some concession on both sides (very probably).
So his 'well it's up to you' really doesn't cut it.

He's had his turn to frolic? He was working wasn't he, you know earning a living?

OP Devon really isn't the end of the world, I don't suppose Dorset is either. We moved her when our youngest two were 6 and 8. It is a lovely life, their school overlooks a local beauty spot on one side and a beach on the other. At CCF they sailed, as teenagers they partied on "their" beach. Someone said something about summers being good but not winters, can't remember the actual wording, actually we all prefer the winter, no traffic jams, beaches to ourselves and a mild climate so enjoyable all year round.

Lots of Europeans down here, don't know where you come from but I have made friends/had colleagues from France, Germany, Poland, Italy.

But of course London has loads to offer as well, concerts, museums, galleries. We ended up taking our kids to London to enjoy the things they couldn't do down here. Of course it depends on what everyone likes doing, if no one likes sailing, swimming, walking the moors then London would win every time.

It was only when they went off to university that my kids realised what a wonderful time they had growing up down here.

Don't feel one of you has to be right and one wrong, you both have dreams. You all know what London is like so maybe spend a bit of time in Dorset/Devon and see what you think. Dorset is obviously going to be loads better for getting back to London to see friends.

By the way Devon and Dorset aren't all rural, we have cities, maybe not as much on offer as London but you don't have to move to a tiny village. We did consider that but moved to an area with easy access to beaches/moors but close to a city in a large town, best of both worlds we felt. My children went to a good grammar school and did very well academically.

Canoso, another FCO wifey here - put your foot down. Youve moved enough and you can't guarantee this will be the final place you live either - i got sick of moving post to post and we called it quits two years ago.

YANBU

As Squoosh said:

So his life would be a charming combo of overseas travel, London visits, and weekends in Devon.

How lovely for him

Seroiously, just put all the thoughts of driving down country lanes and finding friends and schools out of your head. Just say no. You don't want to for a whole heap of excellent reasons, but even if you had no good reasons then after 12 years of compromise that's enough. You don't want to and it's YOUR TURN TO SAY NO.

I'd be concentrating on the discussion you need to have about how he's managed to get so far away from understanding what marriage and partnership is that he's even saying these things.

Now he wants the kids to BOARD?! So you will sit all alone in your big house through the week, in an area you didn't want to move to, while he flits and this amazing lifestyle gets packed into the weekend, when he is home?! No way, no bloody way, it gets worse the more you write! We have an amazing swallows and amazons lifestyle (small herd of ponies, dogs, pet sheep, cats, chinchillas) but we live it every day, all of us, together. He wants you all to it in your boxes, wherever is most convenient for him and then take you all out like toys to play with at the weekend. Let him commute to the fucking boat!

He said it's fine because most kids in those areas do weekly boarding!

Sorry I miss that one!!
That would be resounding NOOOOO from me. Sorry. What is the point to move somewhere to be able to spend more time as a family if it's to send your dcs away boarding anyway

Kids weekly boarding and the DH commuting for days at a time to London/ often abroad?

Sounds like you could be stuck lonely and isolated somewhere beautiful that you don't feel you really fit it in. At best it means lots of effort resettling and working on building friendships.

I would refuse to move. If you can afford it lots of holidays and weekends away somewhere more rural.

So he'll be in London, the kids will be boarding Mon-Fri, presumably he thinks you'll be too busy dusting the big country house to feel lonely or bored.

Just read your update about weekly boarding. So this really is all about him. He gets a lovely home in the country which his wife keeps clean for him, international travel, overnights in London to get the buzz of being in the capital, and weekends focused on his hobbies.

None of that is for you.

granny I think the OP is right when she talks about 'having his frolic'.
This guy did a job he likes, he choose to go abroad, incl places where things were hard work for the OP and the dcs.
It's not just work, no where near. And it's not because it's work that she has to say Amen to it and accept it.

Also worth remembering that the OP didn't work by choice but because she had no choice about it (is impossible for her to work where they live, where HE decided to go for work because he wanted to....) So she enabled him to do what he wanted rather than her being dependant and therefore grateful he worked so hard.

Had to laugh at the assumption that kids in Devon and Dorset are all weekly boarders. I don't know about Dorset but in Devon we have some of the best grammar schools in the country with fantastic academic results, obviously private/public schools as well. When mine were school age I only knew family that chose boarding and that was in a specialist school for their children's SN.

Honestly we don't have country lanes in Exeter, Plymouth, Dorechester or Bournemouth. We have universities, hospitals, electricity, running water the lot.

Which actually mean he should be bloody grateful of all her inpy when they were abroad and therefore more willing to accept that she must have a say in where they live in the country (his job still being the same, at the same place)

The issue though is that he is ASSUMING they will be boarding whether this is the case or not doesn't quite matter TBH. Plus he might also well think that a grammar school isn't good enough and only a private school will do, and not any private. Hence the boarding.

This is an area that really need clarification.

He doesn't sound as if he has thought this through or considered what you want or what the children would like AT ALL.

He has only thought about himself and what he wants.

LostPeppers it was his job, presumably she knew that. If you marry an astronaut don't be surprised if he goes into space. The OP might prefer to live in London and that is fine but to use his job against him, to make out that there aren't any decent schools for her kids or that all of Devon and Dorset is small country villages just isn't fair or accurate.

YANBU. I moved out from London and it is totally different.

I think your fears are spot on for reality. There are a lot of holes in his plan.

What about getting a small flat/caravan for weekends/holidays? That sounds a good compromise to me, if it's affordable.

What are you talking about grannytomine ? His job does not require them to be in Devon.

He's making major decisions about your collective lives, and promised all kinds of things to your kids, without thoroughly discussing it with you and coming to a mutual agreement. He's completely in the wrong, and YANBU.

He gets extra points for being a bit of a dick for dismissing your desire to go back to work by telling you that you can be a housewife to his important hobbies instead. Fuck that.

Throughout your married life his career has come first. This projected move isn't about his career, it's about his hobby. It's time for your needs and desires to come first. (Several of the most high-powered men I know have earned my respect by doing this and treating their partners as actual human beings and equal people in their marriages, instead as chattels who are destines to scuttle around after the Great Man In Their Lives forever.)

LostPeppers he hasn't said she has no input. He is discussing it, otherwise she wouldn't know anything about it would she?